Craigslist personals get shut down

"What happened to Craigslist personals?" is probably what a lot of people will be wondering. Due to congress passing a law, H.R.1865, cl simply took them down...

https://www.congress.gov/bill/115th-congress/house-bill/1865

I do wonder where a lot of the "working girls" are going to go. Some used cl to survive, just like redpage or whatever that website was called. But can't say I'll miss craiglist personals. I've met a few women from there, one flaked on me in Oakland. She drove by in a car covering her face in a passenger seat while I was waiting for her. The last woman I "met" off of there looked so different from her pictures, I drove off when she didn't recognize my car (THANK GOD!) And by the time she noticed me, I was already too far around the corner for her to do anything. She looked like a crack whore, and I'm not even over-exagarating.

And something tells me I didn't even have it that bad. I read stories of guys getting robbed by crazy women who brought their boyfriend/pimp/etc.. hiding in a bathroom, or others where women get in your car acting crazy and won't let you go unless you give them money. This is why I was very cautious when meeting people. 99% of the time, it was just trolls, hookers, or my messages simply got ignored. Cl personals was like a place for all the girls who were too ugly to get attention irl, men who can't get laid, working girls, or crazies. You'd find a decent woman there every now and then, but due to the amount of men flooding that site, chances of that happening was almost none.

I do wonder what website all these people will migrate to, though.

I am fucked up

so today is my birthday, and I am at the lowest mental state I have been in a long time. listening to this song to keep my spirits up. it's helping a little, but not much




I can barely type, because tendons in my hands are fucked up. I am too insecure to speak words into my computer because I don't want no one hearing what I have to share here at work or even at home-all paranoid that my roommate or my landlord/his fam hears me upstairs. I have such low self-esteem. it's truly disgusting. there is a new girl at work that sits in my cube, and she is real pretty. she is portuguese, spanish, and mexican. I am too fucking nervous to talk to her, and tbh i dont want to. i done it once and dont wanna do it again. i am sick of women and especially the whole game of men needing to be the conversation starters, leaders, and closers-bringing these bitches out of their shell. fuck that bullshit! i have a hard time bringing myself out of MY shell. what makes these hoes so different?

I am paranoid that they see everything I type here at work, but I keep blogging here regardless. I am not sure if this will be my last blog for a while, but I really am exhausted from life. I feel so overwhelmed, i cannot even put it into words. was just watching people dance at raves on youtube. and i feel so fucking shameful, and self-pittied. i can barely dance in front of myself sometimes, feeling all self-concious thinking some spirits are watching me. it's hard to dance in front of people. i am a paranoid fuck. i was thinking on why i am an outcast, and so weird. and one thing comes to mind-my Jewish ancestry. even with me being tuned into this Alt-Right movement, white nationalism, and the understanding the struggle of whites being genocided by psycho Jews, I can sort of see why Jews want them destroyed. many of these parasitic Jews feel like me. they are outcasts living in a foreign land without a country. they dont fit in with the natives, and they want to hurt them to make them feel their pain. exactly why these sociopaths go on shooting sprees. but then again, this is just my theory. who knows the real answer.

even my Russian European side doesn't really come through much. my Russian grandfather was a gangster, and a leader of some gang in Russia. he had 17 knife wounds on his body from fighting people with knives. and I am like the complete opposite of that. never even met the guy. he passed I think 10 days after I was born. I never met any of my grandfathers. never had any male role models of close relatives. so no wonder i never developed a strong confidence and the understanding of what it's like to be a man. even with all the martial arts I am doing, it doesn't really help me to gain any confidence. I think I need to get back into Pick-up and take action. but i barely wanna leave my room, which is my comfort zone. every time i think to self "i wanna go out tonight by myself". i just end up googling different spots, and abandoning the mission. my PTSD is out of control. i was even thinking of doing some ecstasy because I heard it helps people like me, but dont even know any people who i can get it from.

I hung out with one tranny last Friday, and i really like her. but the tranny community is weird. if you wanna be with a tranny, chances are you gotta pay. not gonna go into the whole story of what happened, but I have a feeling she likes me. or maybe it's just my naivety speaking. and even with her I am scared. she is a party girl-likes to go out drinking, different clubs, feels like she has a strong character. and i can't stop thinking of people messing with me the second my foot hits the ground after i park my car, with fear running through my veins like electric waves traveling throughout my body. I am a mess, but I think this trans community was meant for me. so many weirdos in it, oh man... they make me look sort of normal haha. so out of all the creeps and old men these trannies meet, i am the guy they actually want to get to know. i cant even imagine how turned off most women would be once they find out about me, my skeletons, including my attraction for transsexuals. but i dont need to imagine it. most women are very cold to me. they probably pickup on my vibe of chaos and fear.

most days I just stay home or hang out with my ts friend thinking to myself 'what do i do with my life?' because in the end, I just don't know. I find myself giving up, starting back up, but giving up more often. I just dont know what to do. but in the end, happy birthday to me!

last week I ate Meat

so my lazy ass been meaning to blog about this, and I finally got around to do it.

I have been having sexual problems where I am completely impotent, and not care about sex whatsoever. The irony is, my incel ass can't get laid for shit, but at least I wanted to feel good I still have a sex drive. I tried many things like taking ginseng herb, drinking pomegranate juice, and eating figs, and nothing worked. So, I thought maybe it's because I haven't eaten meat for so long. Being a pesciterian and only eating fish every now and then could take its toll on you.

So, as I was hanging around my tranny friend on weekends I ate cheese because of her. She eats dairy products sometimes, and meat as well. Then about 2 weeks ago I said fuck it, let me experiment. I did the whole ritual of praying over the dead animal I was about to eat, apologizing for all the pain the humans have caused it, then consumed it like there was no tomorrow. I ate beef a total of 5 times. But my sex drives hasn't really improved. I mean, it did but only because I been practicing tantra by myself spanking my monkey without cumming for days at a time. It sort of builds up and it feels like it's the best nut ever that you never really bust. Sexually energy comes in waves. The high when you feel amazing and horny, and low when you don't even have any sort of pleasure doing the act. I guess that's how it works when you get old.

Either way, life goes on. I am stopping eating meat again. I really need to detox and get rid all the poison in my body and especially my mind. Eating meat is not my primary problem, even though it could be a part of it.

why do friends always let you down?

or maybe it's just the friends that I make... I have two stories that I will share. the second one is more serious. here is the first.

it's about my tranny friend. last time I blogged about her was when I didn't give her $400 for her mom's ticket back to Mexico, when I said I would. we ended up hanging out because I called her, and she told me she's 'old school' and doesn't call guys. so I realized that I am supposed to call her. fast forward to a Thursday from last week, this was 2/5. I get a text from her...

Her: are you ready?
Me: for what?
Her: for something!!!
Her: did you cash ur check already?

okay, at this point I knew she needed money. this was my first check that I still didn't cash at the time with my new job. she told me she needs a $300 loan that she'll pay me back in 2 weeks. I ask if I could give her the money the next day, and she said "no, I need the money now!" I hate this, always have. when people push me to give them my money right away. feeling rushed like this, I know something is not right. so I had all my cases at work done, so I take a break and drive to my bank, get $300, and head back. I tell her that I'll bring the money in a few hours after the traffic dies down. Then she texts me...

Her: hey you want to eat burritos. I am at the best burrito place in the world

(this was the place I've been trying to make her go for months, but she refused every time)

Me: No I just ate
Her: I'm not at home but thanks anyway I'll C U other day :)
Me: What?
Her: I don't need the money. I'm not at home. I'll C U other day. Thanks :)

(at this point I get really mad and realize she called some other sucker to give her the money)

Me: Wth? you treat  me like crap. Have me running around town doing things for u n then u say "never mind"
Her: I'm sorry

At this point, I was like FUCK THIS BITCH!!!!!!!! I do so much for her, but she treats me like SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tried telling this to her in the past, but she just wouldn't listen. We make plans, and she'd just break them like it's nothing.

When I told her I'll buy her mom's ticket, she was acting weird. She said "my mom leaves on the 21st". So, in my mind, I'm thinking "oh, she already got the ticket if she knows the date". but it was her way of telling me to give her the money. Then afterwards when I ended up calling her, she was giving me a lecture on how "if you say you'll do something, you should do it". But when I was helping her grocery shop, she said the following, "when my mom leaves, I'll invite you over, and teach you how to cook". So recently I brought that up, and she said "I never said that! I was high or I was drunk". I was thinking WOW! so when she says things, and never does them, that's okay? She does this all the fucking time! But when I do it once, and all because of her ass backwards, confusing ass communication, then I get to hear a lecture from her? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I been really distant lately, not wanting to talk to her. I actually got a "Happy Valentines" text from her, and was surprised. She never texts me on holidays, not even on the new years! I definitely think she knows what's up. And I was actually looking to move in with her to help pay her rent. Living in her living would be a nightmare. I'd be seeing different men come in and out of her room to pay her money for her time (no sex, since she just had her pussy done 2 months ago). But yeah, it would be a nightmare. Plus, her fucking dogs barking, and I'd be in the middle of this freak show. I was going to tell her that if she wants me there, I'd have to take her room, but doesn't look like this will happen. I'm tired of going out of my way to help other people, when I don't even take the steps to help me first. On one hand, this girl acts like we're good friends, and the next moment she acts like we just met and I'm a nobody or isn't important to her. fuckouttahere!!!!!!!!! you can keep your other drone bees who work for you, bringing you money. I am not the one! I won't be calling her for a while, at least until I get better with what happened to me down below.



The 2nd story is much worse, much worse!

My old Macy's co-worker whom flaked on me on the New Years invited me to snowboard with her and our other co-worker. Neither of us work at Macy's any longer, but I thought yeah, let's do this. I never snowboarded before. So, the guy would ski, and me and her would snowboard. I am going to skip the first part, but will get back to it later.

We get to Tahoe, spend the night there at a motel, get our rented gear, go up the mountain, and since I am new I wanna take a snowboarding class. So my female friend says "oh, man, it's expensive. don't take it. I'll come with you and teach you." So, we take a slide up to the basic mountain that's for beginners. get off the seats that bring us there, and her glove ripped from the inside. so, I am sitting there in the snow waiting for her. She keeps talking about it, and lagging. "oh man, it ripped, I have to go get another one". 5 mins go by, still there sitting in snow, 10 mins, still there. I am thinking WTF!?!?!?!? I WANNA SNOWBOARD!!! but I'm sitting there waiting for this friend playing with her glove. I tell her look I wanna snowboard, give me some tips. she says "go slow, and if anything, fall on your butt." So, I say okay, and off I go. I have no clue how to snowboard and have never done it before in my life. I start going fast and straight down the mountain. I panic and what do I do? what my teacher told me to, fall on my butt. I feel pain and like I hurt myself. I get up but feel this buzz up in my ass, like a nerve. I sit a little bit. Then manage to get on my feet. a guy near by teaches me this technique of banana slide where you go side to side and not directly down the mountain. She still hasn't come down. I wait for her 5 more mins. Then do the banana slide, which works amazingly btw, I go slow and learn to snowboard a little. sit down and wait, she still hasn't come down. calls me on the phone and I tell her i'm injured, she acts weird and I still don't see her. I eventually came down seeing my male friend.

I told him the story, and man... headache hits me... it hits me hard. I am fucked up for good 50 mins sitting there with him waiting for me. Afterwards I tell him, let's go ski! We get up to slides, but the nerve in my back hits me hard. holy fuck!!!!! it hurts really bad, so I say "i don't think i'll be able to do this". So I say just go ski, I'll just wait for you. then eventually they were both done, and she wasn't too concerned. I could still walk, so they don't even bring it up again. We give our rented gear back and, driving back home. on the way, she was having fun talking, and laughing in the car, without a worry in the world, not concerned and almost forgot about my injury.

Long story short, I was in such a pain, I knew I wasn't gonna be able to work on Monday. I went to ER, and turns out I broke my pelvic bone. I was thinking about it, and I could've been in a wheel chair right now! And all because my friend didn't care enough about helping me snowboard, because she was too busy adjusting her ripped glove on her hand. so now, I can't work, I don't get paid since I am a contractor and contractors don't get PTO, and I just stay home all day waiting for my body to be healed.

looking back, the whole trip was a disaster. she didn't let me know the details until I called the male friend. she said we'd leave around 6, but it was around 8:30pm. Tbh, I thought she flaked on me again. We got there at around 9pm, and she still made us wait for her because she had to 'help her co-workers' when we already made plans. wtf!?!?!?! I mean, what type of friend is this? she cares more about her co-workers, than her friends she makes plans with? she cares more about her fucking glove than her friend going down the mountain BY HIMSELF WITHOUT EVER SNOWBOARDING BEFORE? I will never go snowboarding with her again. She is selfish, and doesn't care about other people. it's always about her. I should've just not went, but oh well. I did, and paid the price for it.

I already said this before, but I'll say it again. Good friends are hard to find. That's why I remain alone, and prefer it that way. Fuck people! They will always let you down, or find ways to take advantage of you.


2/27/15

just came across this pic, and it resonates with me perfectly at this point of my life. when this realization sinks in, it really hurts. but it is the truth! when people don't care, there is not much you could do but just let them go... I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't feel like being bothered right now. story of my life-being alone, and not wanting to go out to face the world. the less I see of it, the better I feel about myself, and about my life.

I feel like I am Alone again...

Here we go again...  somehow, someway... I make a friend. The friendship lasts a little bit, and then it happens... we get further and further until I am alone again. story of my life.

So it's about that tranny "friend" again. I don't even know where to start. But I'll start when we were in a hotel last. I told her that I will always love her, and she was real excited that night when I was dropping her home. She even told me "let's keep in touch! but if I don't answer texts that means I don't wanna look at my phone". Even called me the same night when I got home. I told her she could use me for rides since I love driving. So... she would call me frequently about helping her. It got so crazy that when I'd call her to say hi, she'd be shopping with her mom asking me to give her a ride back home. I didn't do it, but thought wow... she's abusing me. she stopped calling about this and maybe realized it or maybe... she found another guy to give her rides.

So not even a month ago I didn't hear from her for a while. And I thought 'let me not call her till she calls me'. And this was during the New Years Eve, and beyond. I literally had NO ONE to call, spend time with, and even talk to. I was going crazy, mentally I mean. No job at that time, no social interaction, and my mom was away on vacation. I was locked up in my house all day every day. A week goes by and I cave in, I call her... She of course was busy being out with her mom and her "friend" who bought them dinner. She said she'll call me back. When she called me the next day, she was very distant that day. Right then and there I realized that she doesn't care. And that's when I stopped caring.

I spend money on her, and I did it because I want to. Life is very different for transsexuals, and I really care about them for some reason. But it's like... she treats me like shit. I told her that I will buy the plane ticket for her mom to fly back to Mexico. She told me she'll do research and let me know details. I was like cool... so then she tells me when I was visiting her "my mom is leaving on the 20th". So, I'm thinking "oh, wow she must've bought a ticket". Then I texted her on the 18th asking about her mom's departure and she goes "my mom is ready. are you ready?" I thought "is she asking me to buy her a ticket this way?" I mean, she doesn't even have enough courtesy to CALL ME and ASK ME like a human being? She waits until I bring it up and then she indirectly indicates it. So, I am not even worth a phone call and you want me to pay for your shit? FUCK YOU!!! I don't know... am I wrong here? Am I over-exagerating? I texted her back "Am I ready for what?" Because honestly, I feel if you want my help you should ASK me, in person or on the phone. She read my message and never texted me since. Probably found another guy to buy her ticket.

And another thing I realized; she only calls me when she needs me. I haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks. Last time we hung out, was when I drove her to go shopping. We didn't end up going shopping so we hung out at her place. And this time... I am not calling her. I am tired of this. I told her before "why you treat me so bad?" and she didn't get it, and even told me "i treat my other male friends 10x worse". So, I guess us men are all replaceable species. We are so easily disposable, it's pathetic! I don't spend money on her, so she finds someone who will.

And she has other friends. One guy pays for everything for her. She calls him "my angel". He bought her a $4,000 bed, spent $8,000 on her buying her 2 purses, and some other shit, and is paying rent for her for the next 3 months because of her surgery. And god knows on what else he spends on her. Thinking about that makes me think. Who am I to her? I am not rich, I don't even have enough money to get my own place. Is money all she cares about? If yes, then I know where I stand.

Either way, I grew more distant from her. She has her brother, her best friend back in Mexico. her other Tranny friends on Facebook, other guys like me trying to call her either to fuck or to pay her for sex, and then... there is me. huh... I feel like I am one of the many, and she is the one. That's some bullshit. Why are men so fucking easy to replace in our society, and women are held on a fucking silver platter like trophies? You know it's funny, I always complain about women treating me badly, but she is a good example. She is a transsexual, which I am sure now she'll disagree since she has a pussy, but even then she treats me like a cash machine, or a yellow cab. If I have no more funds, or gas, she would pick up the phone, and call another cash machine, or dial another yellow cab that is available. And she could get it all for free. Fuck me. Fuck my life.

Just thinking about this... Last time she asked me to come over to hang out... was so that I could bring some weed, hahahahaha. So if I don't have money, rides to provide, or weed, there is absolutely no reason for her phone call. Lol... I don't know what else to do but laugh, but this is life of a beautiful woman, or transsexual in this case. Either way, men bend backwards just to be with her or around her. And one time, ONE TIME I was late, okay twice... and she tells me "you shouldn't have the barbie wait". But she made me wait almost every time we were going to hang out for 30+ minutes! That's okay right? She said "yeah, but I'm a woman. that's okay." I think I just gave up on her. I tried teaching her that that sort of thing is not right, but it feels like it's no use. She just...... doesn't..... care.... unless I have some money I guess.

I am gonna go smoke some herb. I need it. I been smoking lightly every day to build high tolerance. Don't have bad trips anymore. I still wanna do some DMT & Ayahuasca, but weed is all I got for now...

p.s. I just remembered that the last time we were smoking in my car and talking she told me "you get on my nerves sometimes". I said "I'm surprised you're still around. most people leave me cuz I get on their nerves." The same exact thing I was told to by my other friend I hung out with and blogged about. "you get on my nerves sometimes"... People won't even give me a chance to improve. I told her that I am an only child so I am still learning social skills 3x, but she just said "stop using it as an excuse". Guess it's true what they say... Some men are meant to walk a lonely road

update

so a lot of things happened since I blogged last time about self-esteem issues and the Colombian Tranny.

I really thought she left me, and was ignoring me, due to all of the people from my past always leaving me. But not long after, I get a text from her... "Hola"... I was like WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!! this was a huge shock because 1) she was very distant, and didn't return my text a few times, and 2) I called and left her a voice mail asking her why she so distant. is it something I did? is it something I said? she did NOT call me back.

turns out, she was just exhausted from her surgery, and didn't even set up her voice mail. lol!!! this really shows me how much chaos I have in my mind, and all of us really. I had so many people in my life leave me, I thought it happened again. but it was all in my mind. crazy thing is, it made me stronger. I literally felt like I fell in love, and the girl broke my heart. it was the worst feeling in the world! It was so bad, I wanted to die. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't do homework, I couldn't watch any movies, I couldn't do anything but think about this girl ALL DAY! And in the end, I just shut her off, and realized that I have to move on and love myself unconditionally. without doing that, I'll always be fucked up with people not wanting to do with me.

it's been really hard, though, since she has her mother visiting her, and I live with mine. so getting together was a challenge. we had sex unexpectedly after we went shopping on black Friday. her mother was sleeping in the bedroom while we were fucking in the middle room. you know, the old me would've never did this. but I thought that I gotta take more risks.

the thing is, she flaked on me the next day when we were supposed to meet in a hotel again. she spent all her money on clothes, and had to "work" again. I was really mad and disappointed, but she has to work and make money like all of us. her life is very unpredictable, and I learned to accept that. another thing I learned is that she doesn't even have sex most of the time with her clients, which was a real shock to me. many guys who like trannies are into weird stuff that I won't even get into.

I don't have a lot of time and I gotta get ready for work. But the biggest news right now is that she is going to get her full sex reassignment surgery. I just dropped her off at the hospital, and the surgery will take place in about an hour. it's a real disappointment for me because you know... I prefer pre-op trannies, and it hurts me whenever they do this sort of thing. but she wants to be best friends with me because we are so much alike, and thinks it's better that way. I tried real hard to change her mind, but it's her body and she is real set on doing this. I told her that I will always love her, and not sure if she feels the same way about me. But I don't care. I don't wanna pressure her or make her love me the same way. it is what it is.

I just realize that this is where I belong, the trans community. I went out with her to a bar last week to see her 'work'. it was an interesting experience, and she knows all the trannies at the bar. I learned a whole lot being around her about the people in the community, and what is really going on opposed to me always going out alone.

the irony about today is, it's my last day of work with the current company. and so is her last day of being a pre-op transsexual. in a few hours she'll be a woman with a pussy. I won't have a laptop anymore, and she won't have a dick. bummer. no homo and all. yes tranny.

I just had the Biggest Shock of my Life

so after making my last blog entry about me being in Love with the Colombian Tranny, I kept thinking about her. and I kept thinking about why does everyone always leave me? WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!?!?!?! I am 35 years old, just lost my virginity with this girl, and yes she is a girl in my eyes, and I have no friends. This was always the biggest question in my life, why does everyone always leave me?

so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.

so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!

All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.

Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.

I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.

I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.

So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?

Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.

About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.

When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.

So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.

Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.

Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.

And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.

Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.

Am I in Love?

so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?

I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.

One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.

In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.

So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.

Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.

I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?

I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.

This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.

My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.

Where do I go from here?

so about a week ago I took the last 4 to 5 hits from the joint that the tranny I was with left me. I texted her a few times, considering I get really social after I smoke. she ended up calling me and we talked for a while. This was on Tuesday, I think. And she said that she was going to So Cal to get her breast surgery done. I thought okay, that's cool. Then she said that she re-scheduled her sex reassignment surgery, and I was the first person she told this to. I guess I felt honored, but surprised since she was so sure on doing it. Maybe I talked her out of it, at least for now?

Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.

Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.

Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.

Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.

It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?

Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.

Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?

Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.

Up All Night in a Hotel Room

So I just woke a few hours ago, at around 4pm. Me and my new Tranny friend decided to get away in a hotel for the night.

The first plan was to get away for the whole weekend to Half Moon Bay. She never been there, and said she was open. But then when she never got back to me by Thursday, I started to feel like she is too busy doing her escort job than wanting to hang out. I started thinking about all of my past experiences, and that she is probably like everyone else. Then I thought it’s over between us, as people tend to leave me over time. So, I didn’t text her until I heard from her on Friday. She said she’s free that night, but the next day she was going to be busy.

I wanted to get together with her and tell her that this isn’t working out, and that I don’t feel safe doing stuff like rimming her when she escorts for a living. But when we met up, her vibe was just amazing! I completely forgot that she is such a good person.

I decided to get us a local hotel room near the beach.

Hanging out with her was possibly one of the greatest nights of my life. At first, we were like ‘okay, we’ll stay up till 2, or 3’. Then before we knew it, we’re up till 5 am. Just laying there holding each other, watching videos, movies, etc.. talking about all sorts of things most people would find weird, and outrageous.

We talked about names and how both of us changed ours, and how much of your personality could change due to you changing your name. I am actually looking to change mine again after having this conversation. I told her about my Egyptian Goddess, and she told me about her Aztec God. Spirit Animals, ayahuasca, etc.. just a lot of unconventional stuff.

I realized how challenging her life is. She has to pay rent, health insurance, and also work her regular job outside of doing her escort services. She is not like a street hooker at all, takes great care of herself, eats healthy, and even meditates. I kinda regretted taking a few hits from her joint after getting nervous. I realize more and more that weed is just not for me, or at least I need to learn how to be calm when I smoke it.

The whole night was just amazing. I realized that I made a real friend this time. She is a loner, like me, and is very open. I mean, I meet some open-minded people. But she is just unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and has a completely non-judgmental personality about life, sex, etc.. It’s rare I meet someone like her. She wants to do a full surgery and get a pussy. I said that everything about her is beautiful, and she shouldn’t change a thing. It’s amazing how some people just have body features that aren’t of their gender. Her ass has this natural, feminine, and curvy shape. Even she has ass implants, she told me that she has always had the curves. It’s just unbelievable. If you’d see her walking around half naked, you’d think she’s a girl. I was surprised to hear that when she was a stripper in Tijuana, she was making a $1,000 per night with men thinking she's a real woman.

Everything about that night was showing me good signs, including numerology. We’re walking past hotel rooms, and see room 222, going to a gas station to get some water; the gas price says 3.33. Looking at her phone clock and it shows 4:44. Then we walking back to our hotel room, and see triple numbers AGAIN. She says to me, “something is happening right now”… This wasn’t like any other night. We want to get together again soon. Not sure when that will be, but hopefully soon.

I just had sex

This happened on Sunday, November 2, 2014. So technically, I am not a virgin anymore. But I feel like I still am. Nothing magical happened. Nothing spectacular. I didn’t transform into some experienced guy who is now mature, and is good with women. I’m still the same old nervous, shy, and sensitive guy that I was before sex. But am I still really a virgin?

Okay, so if you remember my I like Trannies blog, the story doesn’t end there. But it continues with this post. I saw this same girl on cl (recognized her body as there was no face pic), and e-mailed her saying what’s up. She was wondering who knows her by name and we connected. After sending her a few pics, she remembered me. We decided to hook up, and went to a place with hot tubs. It’s sort of like a hotel room, but with a little bed and a hot tub. My first time there, but I remember seeing them from porn.

So I get real nervous meeting her for some reason. I’m not sure if maybe we have no connection, or there is such a huge cultural barrier between us, that it’s hard to find a common language. Maybe we just don’t vibe? I don’t know. But the whole time I was nervous, and this isn’t like me usually. I used to be this way before, but nowadays I am more relaxed around people. Was it because she was a woman? Well, technically a Tranny, but a woman in my eyes.

We get to a hot tub, I pay for our private room. And we undress, touching each other. We talk a little bit, and then get in the tub. It was so hot at first, but took me awhile to get used to it. I took a hit from her blunt, so that got me sort of acting weird, and nervous. I freaked her out a little bit when she was touching my cock and I pulled away. Like I was afraid of her having STDs, etc.. Then She says ‘you wanna fuck me?’ I say yeah. I put on a condom, get some lubricant, and she guides my cock into her ass. 3 Strokes and I pulled out because I felt like I was about to cum. That KILLED THE WHOLE VIBE! This girl is fucking BEAUTIFUL, and I’m guessing she isn’t used to guys pulling out so quickly. She sort of got weirded out, asking me why I’m so weird. After talking for a few minutes, she felt bad, and we just got back into it. I was really cautious, and I told her that it’s my problem. I am overly cautious, and she technically is an escort. But she is upscale. Has her website, doesn’t post on cl for her services (outside of hooking up I guess). Her clients are very well off, and not bums off the street. She told me she doesn’t do it that often, and only once a month. I killed the vibe again because I was reluctant to lick her ass. Then she says “how do I know you’re clean?” And even though I told her I NEVER had unprotected sex, she still was technically right, and told me she never had either. How do we both know we’re clean?

So I said fuck it. I am taking a business class right now. And it talks about how if you want to become an entrepreneur at some point in your life, you gotta take risks. There is no way around that. I started jerking her off, playing with her breasts, and the whole time we making out in between talking, and playing around. I told her to get out of the tub and sit on the edge. She was SO FUCKING SEXY! Cinnamon complexion that gets darker around her ass and privates, super clean, smells good, good girl, very cautious around the type of people she is friends with. I think to myself “this isn’t a girl who’d be dirty”. So, I just went with my feeling.

I start licking her ass, and her balls. Then eventually make my way to her asshole and OMFGGGGGGG…. THIS WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SEX! I didn’t even cum because my boner lost Its power when I killed the mood by pulling out. when she started calling me weird, I just couldn’t be that horny anymore. But licking her brown, clean, fresh, soft, tender, juicy ass was the ultimate fantasy I’ve had with Trannies. THIS WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! She came in like 3 minutes cuz she said she was really horny. She liked me fingering her ass while I rim it, but that was kinda hard. My tongue was also sore cuz HOT DAYMN IT’S HARD WORK AND WORKS YOUR TONGUE MUSCLES! I thought it was easy from watching it in pornos.

I don’t know, but there is a lot more details I’m leaving out because there is just too much to include. She is looking for a guy to be fwb with, and I’m so open to that. But I just don’t know if we have any connection. It was amazing just holding her and kissing her. My first technical “girlfriend” experience I’ve had with any girl.

The thing that made me think I’m still a virgin, was how short it was. She even let me fuck her hard afterwards but stopped me 30 secs in; said I was hurting her. I don’t know but seems like Trannies are sensitive. But I fucking love them. I don’t think I’d have the same attraction towards women. Too much bad experience, and I feel like there is a block in my mind, or In between me and the female species. Ehhh… who cares. This whole experience was just amazing. Better than the last 2, but so far I’ve yet to enjoy sex by cumming. It’s not the same. It’s not like holding your dick in your hand and squeezing it at the time of the orgasm. When you cum in a girl’s mouth, or her ass-pussy in this case (no homo of course, yes Tranny), it feels weird… It’s like I have no control over how good I feel at the time of the nut.

We’ll see what happens with this girl. But I’m gonna ask her if she wanna get a hotel room next week and spend the entire weekend fooling around together. I really like her. She is honest, even about her being materialistic. But that’s what I like, honesty. And I told her that I’m the same.

Hopefully, there is a part 3 coming soon to this chapter. Stay tuned…


p.s. I kinda feel special, because I taught her what French kiss means. She is taking ESL classes, and so was I when I came to US. Also, she asked me for some help with learning about indigenous cultures, and I was like are you fucking serious? That’s all I fucking know, and study on my own time. Shamanism is the TRUTH that lives in the heart of the Amazon. So, technically I taught her 2 things. The second about ayahuasca, and she already said she wants to drink it. I think we can learn a lot from each other. So, I’m hoping for the best. But you never know. Shit falls apart when you least suspect it to. I digress.

I had Oral Sex with a Tranny, Pt. 2

So I just got home about 40 minutes ago, and this was my second sexual experience in my life.

You can read about Part 1 here.

found another Tranny on craigslist, but it was tricky. You see, I wouldn't even have this expereince if I didn't start trolling. I got fucking tired of all the trannies asking for "hot guys" who are "hung" and "good looking" and basically they want everything in one package. these Trannies want the whole fantasy out of a porn movie. I understand they can't get off with guys even with medium sized dicks but HOT DAYMN!!! WTF!?!?!? what do I gotta do to get a tranny around here?

So, I found a good looking guy's pic on tumblr with a huge dick. No homo and all, but I gotta say that trolling craigslist has been THE FUNNEST EXPERIENCE I EVER HAD! I may make a post about it later. Anyway, I got this one Tranny's pics with this good looking guy. I sent her my real pics but did not get a reply. Then the next day I sent her another message with an extra pic of mine. She sent a few pics back, and it was on from there.

The thing is, she was responsive until earlier today. I got a second response at around 10am, and that was that. She told me what time she gets home and to let her know when I wanna come by. So, I sent her one e-mail. Nothing for 3 hours. I followed up and asked if she's still interested, and still nothing. I am thinking, "okay, she most likely flaked" as I had most of my experiences like this. I even had one Tranny sent me her pics, give me her #, get my #, and then act weird as shit in the past. So, I'm like whatever. I don't even prepare for this. At around 8pm, she e-mails me something like "hey, baby. I'm home now. tell me when you wanna come by." I was like WTF!?!?! So, I call her and talk, and she's walking home with a friend. So it took me longer to get ready, since I wasn't prepared.

1st bad sign right there. Then I go to the store to get some lube, thinking I may need it, and drive my ass to Oakland, where she lives. She never texts me back after I told her to get into something sexy. I am thinking, okay... bad sign #2. I was sort of confident but nervous, not like my first time where I thought the worst of the worst. Now, I am on my no fap no porn challenge again, and it's week 5 so I feel like I am going to explode browsing cl ads every day. As I get to her neighborhood, I park, call her as I am walking up to her building. She tells me her apt # but takes a few minutes buzzing me in.

As I get in, she is sort of aloof, and I'm thinking "nice". She got titties sticking out and a nice curvy ass. As she turns around she rolls eyes and I'm thinking, okay she got attitude. Now, as I get into her bedroom, she sits her ass on her bed and starts talking on the phone. I'm thinking WTF!?! bad sign #3. So, I take my jacket off as I stand there looking at her as she's speaking some other language with whomever on the other side. I'm like 'brb, bathroom'.

I piss and wash my hands, get out, and she is still talking on the phone. I sit down next to her trying to get her in the mood by touching her and asking her why she is being rude. She's like 'that's my moather and my sister' with an accent. I'm like can you talk to them later? She's like no cuz that's long distance. I say 'I'm your guest, you should talk to me.' So after going back and forth for like 5-10 mins she finally tells them off and hangs up. "You see what ju made me do, I hung up on my moather and my sister." She has so much attitude, I ask her about it. She also looks exhausted. I ask what I can do to make it better. "give me a masssage." So, I massage her really good but then she gets so relaxed she gets even lazier, not wanting to do nothing.

Anyway, the whole thing was weird because she wanted to fuck me after I got her hard. And I was like HEEEEEELLLLLLLL NO. I am a straight guy. The only one who will be doing the fucking around here is me. She gets irritated speaking her native language (she is from some tribe in Mexico). So, she's like "let me suck you. I put on a concom, but her teeth OMFGGGG. her teeth get in the way. It's like she's giving a blow job for the first time. I tell her that, she gets slightly better. I pull out every now and then and after 10 minutes or so she keeps going at it "I want make you cum. I wanna go to sleep." I'm like okay. I cum but instead of cumming in her mouth with a condom, I use my hand to hold my dick. Because I remember how disgusting I felt cumming in the last Tranny's mouth.

I felt so good afterwards, like I needed to release. 5 weeks of not masturbating and not watching porn. Now I am just gonna chill for a while. No craigslist, and no trying to get sex from anyone.

Sex is so different than jerking off, it's not even funny. It could feel like sex is the most disgusting thing in the world, because it feels so different. I always thought I'm some bad ass mother fucker and that I would fuck for hours because I jerk off for that long without nutting. But when I have my dick in a girl's mouth, it's like I can cum in 15 seconds. It's crazy, especially for me considering I am so behind in sexual experience among my pears, considering I am in my 30s, it's not even funny.

and come to think of, there was a bad sign #4-she didn't even shower! When I was giving her a message, I could feel tiny clumps of dead skin falling off her arms, back, etc.. and when I got to her feet, they were stinky. I did surprise her when I asked if she has silicon in her ass cheeks. My first time feeling silicon ass in my life! "Why didn't you showever before I came" > "I was talking to my mother"... ehhh... whatever.

But anyway, I surived, and tomorrow is another day. I feel more calm, though. Like I needed to get it out of my system. I'm just glad it was with another person and not with my hand. Sex is still not how I pictured it to be, but I am getting used to it. I wonder if I would enjoy it at all with a girl.

Until next time...

Ronaldo, Brazil's Eddie Murphy

I know this is old news, but one of my Brazilian customers told me about this scandal.

http://uk.reuters.com/article/2008/04/29/uk-ronaldo-transvestites-idUKN2820144020080429


So, I looked it up. Funny as hell. Ronaldo said that "after he found out they were men" he sent them away. YEAH THE FUCK RIGHT!! you just like trannies, Ronald. SAY IT AINT SO!!! Don't worry, though. I like trannies too. so, you're not all alone on this one. But apparently in Brazil, they look down on you if you are gay or have some sort of gay fetishes (i.e. into trannies) in sports. According to one Brazilian judge who straight up dissed Ronaldo, soccer is supposedly a 'virile' sport.

One thing I can't stand how misinformed the media is, who all think that Transvestites are the same as Transsexuals. let me school you on this real quick. Transvestites=men who dress as women. Transsexuals aka Trannies aka Shemales aka Chicks with Dicks=women who USED to be men but now take hormones, have boobs, ass, no body hair, and some of which you can't even tell if they are men any longer and can totally pass as women. Transvestites=men, Transsexuals=women with OR without dicks. see? TV=men, TS=women. men, women. male, female. pre-op, post-op. are we finally learning something? goooooooood. masculine, feminine. yin, yang. baby steps. baby steps.

I remember when Eddie Murphy got caught picking up a tranny hooker, I actually fell for him saying he just wanted to help and was looking out for her safety. looking back, damn I was gullible. Ain't no big star like Eddie would be picking up a random tranny hooker to tell her to be careful. GETTHEFUCKOUTTAHERE!!! you like chicks with dicks, Eddie. SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!!!

I wonder what the 3rd one looks like...

I had Oral Sex with a Tranny on my Birthday

I just had oral sex for the first time in my life!

I know I blogged about how I like Trannies earlier, but long story short. I been having a fucking OCD with craigslist casual encounters. and finally made a posting yesterday since today is my birthday looking for a Tranny. one replied but was very vague.

I thought to self 'go out today', or maybe it was just a thought come up on its own. It's my b/d, wtf am I gonna do? every year same shit. stay home, jerk off to porn, and uh... just feel like shit about my existence.

So the tranny told me where she stays and she has an amazing thick ass in the pics. I really thought she was a hooker so I thought fuck it, I'm going anyway. went out to my tranny bar and had a bad experience there. was talking to this dude next to me about the 3 trannies near us, and winked at one of them. She waived for me to come to her, and I did. I was sooooooooooooooo nervous the whole time. I haven't been out in a long ass time and my PTSD was through the roof. I came over there chit chatting and told her 'you're drunk. you're wasted'. She got really fucking mad. made a gesture to leave, and then started cussing me out "faggot" across the bar, then I sat behind her at the table she kept saying "pale white boy. look at you, you see a girl you run" I was like damn how she know my fear of women and I started to feel very bad. Like I am already having a really hard time accepting myself, and what I look like. now this bitch telling me how bad I look and how pale. That really made me feel horrible inside. I felt like I started to get red and wanted to get a tan ASAP! I just looked in the bathroom mirror and I'm white as a ghost. It really is disgusting. It's like I'm sick or something. fuck!!!

So I told the dude I was chit chatting with I'm out and left. the Tranny, and I really wanted to fuck her btw, kept looking at me as I was walking away. she had another dude there now who bought her beer and was gonna give her a ride home. damn, I really am new at this whole social game, especially in the night at bars and clubs. I feel like a little baby who gets eaten by lions every time something like this happens. this guy knows exactly what he's doing and I'm making mistakes left and right and pay real high prices for it.

then I leave and go to a pickup bar but it's dead! it's around 1:30am and most people left. I don't even go in and call the tranny from cl. She tells me cross streets where she's at and I go to my car, and drive there. I get there, park, and she doesn't pick up. the place looks ghetto. the streets are vacant. all sorts of shit going through my mind. I get nervous and think she is an undercover cop. I txt her and finally get a txt back. 5 mins of waiting outside near trees so I won't get spotted and she opens a door. I get inside and think she gonna murder me or some shit with some people upstairs. I ask if she wanna go outside and talk. she goes no its okay let's go to my room. We get to her room. she lives in an apt she shares with family. she looked meh when I first see her, but when I get into her room I see her thickness, her curves, tits, and damn I'm like niiiice! We talk a lil and I ask her about her. She just wanna have fun, and not a hooker. I'm surprised, and lil bit more talk we start making out. I touch her legs and ass. I tell her I wanna see her naked. so she takes her clothes off as I do too.

The thing that really made it all weird is the dim lighting. it was a green light and very dim. I asked her to turn the lights on. she says that's as bright as they go. WTF!?!?!?! the whole time from the get go since we emailing it was like she got something to hide and acting weird. she wouldn't even wanna tongue kiss. I caress her body and start licking her tits. not gonna go into more details but long story short. we put condoms on and did a 69. it was... weird. I sucked a tranny's dick... with a condom on... meh... she started sucking mine, and the whole time even before she went down on me I was like 'careful, you'll make me cum' every time she'd touch my cock. so, about 15 seconds into her sucking me off... cuz I was doing it kinda half assed and also she said she cannot cum since she been on hormones for so long. she gotta have someone fuck her for like 30 mins in order to cum... I cum... I was like fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!! nooooooooooooo! I told her 'I hate cummin'. But when I cum, I feel disgusted. I feel like 'wtf am I doing here? I don't wanna be here. this is weird'. I keep apologizing but she says 'it's okay, it's okay. I gotta sleep anyway and wake up at 6 in the morning for work.

I leave her place and tell her 'I'll call you', not knowing whether or not that will be the case... I get in my car and... the only thoughts I have are... SEX IS DUSGUSTING!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!! IT SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I drive home shocked and having different emotions run through me. on one hand this tranny cussing me out at a bar making me feel horrible about the whole experience, on the other hand this other tranny blew me and I came. that was my first sexual experience with ANYONE. she was still acting weird 'what type of things do you like to do with a guy?' her: ummm... everything... I'm like WTF!?!?!? what you mean? what do you want bitch!!!!????? she was vague the whole time like this.

I drove back home, parked, and spent 20 fucking minutes walking back and forth on my block. I couldn't believe it... THIS IS SEX!?!?!?!?!?!?? SICKENING!!!!!!!!!!!! DISGUSTING!!! I can't even imagine having sex with a woman and then impregnating her. wtf happened to all those years of me practicing Tantric sex. hours upon hours of masturbating sessions without me cumming and I cum in 15 seconds!?!?!? WTF!?!!?!!?!? I guess sex really is different then masturbation. my god. I couldn't think. I wanted to be outside... all the time. I couldn't come inside and kept thinking how disgusting sex is. I haven't even had sex technically, and still a virgin. but I bust my first nut inside a tranny's mouth with a condom, and had her cock inside my mouth with a condom as well. it was fucking bleeeeeeeehhhh. wtf? I don't get it. all those fantasies of watching tranny porn. I was so hard and turned on with that tranny, even though she was 15 years older than in her pics. her body was still banging though. AND THIS WAS SEX!?!?!?????

I just feel........ different. like something stroke a cord inside of me. why the fuck I chase or used to chase women in the streets? FOR THIS!?!!??!?! only to have sex and have some random bitch call me and tell me she's pregnant and to get my whole life of freedom ruined? FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even know if I want trannies anymore. sex is just DISGUSTING!!!!!!!! WTF!?!?!!?!?!??!!??? this is the strangest birthday I ever had, and ironically I have no one to share it with but my blog. I may share it with one dude at work who said he'll take me out and show me the ropes of the bar scene... he knows I like trannies too... he even knew I was a virgin too, but I had to lie. if we go hanging out tonight, I'll tell him everything.

but fuck me... SEX IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SICK, OVERRATED PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt as disgusted when I came as when I first came with semen. without semen nuts were amazing and fulfilling. once I came with cum for the first time, I felt disgusted and sick to my stomach. I didn't want to look at a woman or want to think about fucking her, and this was back before my tranny fetish when I was attracted to girls 100%. I felt the same way tonight.

I gotta wake up in 5 fucking hours and I had 3 fucking hours of sleep last night. But man this birthday I really went out with a bang. I just stopped giving a fuck anymore, so I went all out. I feel like I made progress, but not sure what to feel about this whole human experience any longer. I feel like this changed me somehow. I'm just not sure how, exactly. I guess I'll find that out tomorrow at work.

Peace