Monday, August 31, 2009


Me and my friend who came to visit me from NorCal just came home from this comedy place at Hollywood. It was so bad, that it was good. The jokes were so fucking bad, we were cracking up at the comedians and their pathetic attempts at being funny.

One guy was going *joke* Caboom! *joke* caboom! for the entire stand up.. haaaaaaaaaaahahhaahhhahahah omfg I swear I almost crashed driving on the way back home. This was my first time at a comedy club and the best one. So many miserably comedians who suck ass at doing what they attempt to do. Oh shit.. laughing so hard it was hard for us to breath..


Friday, August 28, 2009

chasing flies in my room

fucking shit this is really pissing me off. this place is a NUT HOUSE! i told my cousin "do you wanna get rid of flies?" she said... "yeah, somehow.." so i said you can't have any garbage out in the open in paper boxes. if you wanna put recycling there then do it, but don't mix it with garbage. i told her that 2x and STILL she does that same shit. flies all over the fucking kitchen cuz the stupid bitch doesnt listen and worst of all she DOESNT CARE!

she ran outta some dishwashing detergent and im thinking BITCH FUCK YOU BUY IT YOURSELF! not because i cant buy it for her, but because she dont appreciate anything people do for her. she dont even say thank you when i buy stuff.

now flies get in my room if i leave curtains open or window open and if balcony window open too. cuz flies are attracted to winds and light. fucking shit i was chasing this fly for like 20 mins! and still didnt get it.. i dont know what heppened to it or if i somehow got it, or it flew out of my room.

wholy shit i gotta move out. but i gotta find a job first. fuck this place and my cousin who dont even give a rats ass about her own child! she leaves him behind while she goes hanging out with her girlfriends or whatever dirty business she is involved in. and thats another reason why he cries, aside form the fact that hes spoiled beyond belief. he dont feel enough attention from her.

fuck i dont care. i just wanna be out. shes the mother and i cant tell her how to raise her children. im gonna go light some incents and hopefully get some sleep. shit.. somebody just came home.. if its the roomate or her my meditation goes rigght down the toilet. wait... i think it was just the outside door. im gonna go meditate real quick i hope i have enough time before someone comes home. fucking nut house i tell ya. A NUT HOUSE!

Mysteries of the Sacred Universe

One word.. Meditation

Monday, August 24, 2009

Wisin Y Yandel

These guys rule! I LOVE their music and thinking of buying their new album.

Hollywood Blvd.

I had an interview today right there on Hollywood. paid $8 for parking which is all day and was like FUCK THAT! may as well check out the spot.

its about 10-15 blocks of stores, theaters, and shops that all focus on celebrities and movie stars, singers, and famous people. so many stars embedded in the side walk it's not even worth looking at them cuz youll miss everything else around you.

I saw the famous Chinese theater. The sidewalk for it was blocked. It's weird because this dude told me all the stars come to the premier at around 6 or 7 but it's blocked at like 4... it makes no sense but i guess it does. it's Hollywood, and they treat that sidewalk like it's sacred or something.

then when I walked all the way through it and started to walk back on the other side of the street, this homeless lady was like "sir, do you feel like you're part of the human race today?" and i was like... "not really..." I never feel like i'm part of the human race. should have told her that but I didn't wanna stand there and talking to her. She could've been a potential nut. Maybe she was knowingly from another planet. Who knows.. who cares...

Then this black guy Chuck was asking me for donations and I was like sorry dude I'm just here trying to find a job. Then turns out he is a truck driver and drives between NY and LA. after he found out where I was from he started to talk about diff neighborhoods there. Then I find out he knows all the hoods in NY (and everywhere I assume) and said Hunter's Point is like Beverly Hills compared to Hunt's Point in NY. I laughed and he went back to selling his donations.

It's a trip how some people like Chuck live this life and go everywhere in the World or at least the U.S., then they talk about their experiences. But people like me read, hear, or listen to life around them but never get involved in it. Like I've always been interested in hoods all across the World but America especially. I read about it, hear about it, watch movies, documentaries, SMACK DVD's and all that other shit i used to watch, but i never actually go there. Never experience it. I just observe and get immersed in it from the entertainment point of view. It's like a huge interest of mine that doesn't go beyond fantasy. It's all there, and I'm here wishing I was somehow connected to these areas in some sort of way. But I'm not. I'm just observing. Chuck though... that dude lives it, sees it, and then talks about it. It's crazy, but that's life for you. Life over there is like this and life over here is the total opposite. Sort of like the duality in this 3-Dimensional world. There is no good without bad, and so on and so forth...

I got me a lemonade there and some incents that I'm gonna burn tonight and hopefully meditate in this nut-house when things calm down. hopefully...

Monday, August 10, 2009

George Sodini and me

it really tripped me out when Trojanman linked me that blog. First of all, I was reading it not knowing who the dude is or what he done. So I was reading it with a complete open mind compared to most people who already placed him in a box after hearing the news. Second, I'm not defending his actions or taking his side, but was so surprised at how similar we are in life. We are so similar it is scary.

The media is really funny btw. I googled him after reading his blog not fully understanding what exactly he is talking about, and one news station did a report on him saying how he made racist remarks towards black men in his first entries. Racist remakes? WHERE?!?!?! Some of these morons need to be dumped on an island somewhere far away from our society for always twisting the truth and lying out of their asses.

It's a fucked up thing he did and I don't support his way of going out with guns blazing, but here is how George Sodini is me and I am George Sodini. People like us exist everywhere in the world, and the most fucked up thing is... it takes one extreme case like this one to wake the public up and make them see that we are out there just living out our (I wouldn't even call it life) existence. We are deprived of the most basic things in life that every human being desires especially men. I am talking about things like meaningful relationships with friends, sex, love, and just someone to care about who also cares for us. Many of these politicians, cops, etc.. the so called "normal people" all have these basic human needs so they move onto bigger, and more advanced things to acquire in life.

Our parents are fucked up. There is no nicer way of saying this but our parents have issues. They, however, do not take care of their issues before deciding on having children. And then the next thing you know "we" come out. We are raised into dysfunctional families with our fathers never talking to us directly or teaching us anything about life. Hell, they don't even tell us anything about themselves. So we grow up learning this same behavior and mirror it when interacting with other people. You know, the "son to father talk"? I am 29 years old now and I have never had one of those.

This isn't going to come out the way I planned but who cares.. if you're interested, keep reading.

Women problems. I have had women problems all my life. A big portion of women have treated me like shit for whatever reason. I have never understood women or their games, and there wasn't anyone I could talk to about this or get any feedback from. So I have always been clueless on the subject. I am not ugly and actually think I'm good looking but just don't know how to talk to women. This is another common issue we, the George Sodinis, have.

Our life never goes the way we want it to. We just suck at creating our realities. We don't know a single thing about life, and we have no idea on how to set goals and follow them. This creates a lot of anger, and resentment towards the people who have it good, especially women. Now for me personally, I get REALLY angry when seeing some dude with finest girls by his side and then he gives me this "fuck you! you have it better then me" look when HE is the one who is actually a thousand steps beyond me, but too blind to realize it. Even though I'm kinda like a pussy and don't really know how to fight, it makes me want to fuck him up really badly and embarrass him in front of everybody. Whooping that arrogant prick's ass is like an automatic fantasy that puts a smile on my face. But it's all just a fantasy like all of my life dreams.

Our dads are clueless fucks who have not a single clue on how to raise young boys into healthy minded men. Our dads always shove us aside when it's time to sit down and have a serious talk, or have any sort of life lessons, or even opening up chit chatting about each others experiences. They have no clue that this is something you MUST do in order to teach a kid about relationships, healthy relationships that is. It all starts with your father I believe, and it ends with the people you interact with. My father was pretty much the same way Sodini describes his. A useless sperm donor? Yep, pretty much. He'd just sit there watching tv laughing out loud at his favorite shows. We never got personal, we never talked about anything outside of what cartoon is funny and what movie is good to watch. Until this day I don't even know my dad, who he is, or what he is really like. Same goes for him not knowing a single thing about me.

We learn basic shit at an older age. You know, the things that some people learn in diapers? George said it best "I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discuragement. Seems odd, but thats true." Yep. This man speaks the truth.

We have a really hard time forming meaningful relationships. Let's take a look at my family.

Mother - worked 2 jobs when I was a kid trying to put food on the table.. put me in an after school program (I was raised in a single mother household with no siblings).

Father - has an IQ of a toothpaste. I drove 8 hours to tell him he was a shitty dad and he didn't even understand me or what I was trying to say. He thought it was my "opinion". Dude kind of disappeared when we moved to a different city for about 15 years, and now he wants to be my father. So wait.. you ignore me for all this time not having a clue on how to even talk to me over the phone and now you want us to be a happy family? Yep. That's my father.

Cousins - not even worth mentioning but here it goes. They all say how much they want to be close to me, but those are just words. Their actions speak a different language. They say one thing, but do another.

There is a lot more but ehh.. who cares... Long story short, we have been conditioned not to have any sort of meaningful relationships within our families, and then it just unfolds that way when we go out into the real world. When it's time to make friends, get a girlfriend, etc.. we are as clueless as our parents or as our families made us out to be.

I totally agree with Sodini about today's religion. It is mostly bullshit. It is used to manipulate people and instill fear into them. Some of these fundamentalist Christians today will make you believe that doing anything spiritual that is non-Christian is a sin, and you are going to hell and will burn there for eternity unless you follow their path. The path that has been forced down the throats of the African slaves. It's really sad. But that's why I don't get involved with all them nuts. I find my own path. I don't want to hear a Christian tell me because I do Martial Arts or practice Meditation I am going to hell or doing something "evil". Muslims execute their women because they raise their hand against their husbands. when in actuality they stand up for themselves when are being beaten and/or raped. They make their women wear veils and treat them like they are slaves. Fucking idiots. They should really be smacked the fuck up a few times. Maybe they'll come to their senses and realize just how brainwashed they are by their religion. But I doubt it. They're too brainwashed to function on their own.

What I find interesting though is how so many criminals, some of which have killed many people in their life, either become Christian or Muslim. And I mean ESPECIALLY Muslim. So wait... you get to kill some people and then convert to Islam or confess your sins as a Christian and then you get to go to Heaven and I get to go to hell because I didn't do that last part? Hmmm... I don't know. Sounds like some bullshit to me.

Seeing couples everywhere I go makes me envious inside. When I see young couples in public it makes me so envious to the point where I don't even want to go outside of my room. I just want to sit here all my life sticking my face into my computer. The less I see the world outside of my room the better I feel about my existence. I guess it's a reality check each time. They are there living, fucking, laughing, enjoying themselves, and I am here and have been here alone, by myself, without anyone to love, hold, or even talk to. This is why I like being alone. No one is there to remind me of how fucked up my life is, so I don't think about it when I'm by myself 99% of the time.

Dating situation. Sad as hell. I don't even want to date. Once women would find out I got no friends, no life, and nothing going on who would stick around? Hopeless.

Most of us aren't really the violent type. George Sodinis are a minority. They are like the messengers; because they wake some people up about what is happening with people like us. I guess you can call them heroes since it is through them that others get educated about us instead of always pushing us aside or not even seeing we exist. Now the FBI is onto this guy. HA! This only shows that they only give a fuck about you if you did some crazy, or outrageous shit. Before his death he was a NOBODY! Now me, personally, I would never do what he did. And what he did was his own personal choice. But he mentioned that his blog could maybe benefit others. I believe it will. It will show some men they aren't alone. It will make them see there are others like them. I just hope they won't go out the way he did.

Many people will argue and call him a ruthless killer, a psycho, or whatever. And I mean I somewhat agree. What he did was wrong. But many times real change comes from pain, suffering, and death. All of those idiots who are protesting against the war no matter where, when, and for what reason, make me laugh. The war sucks but how many men died in the Revolutionary War, which helped to form the United States of America that you all love and cherish? 25,000. And this dude George Sodini offs 3. I bet the entire news media went nuts wanting to hang him or fry his nuts. That stupid bitch Nancy Grace is probably running the updates on Sodini daily. "Today on Nancy Grace. What underwear George Sodini was wearing while he was committing his gruesome, and bloody murders". What a sad, psychotic slut. I don't even watch the news but I bet that's what she airs every day. I heard one woman killed herself because Grace talked down on her or said she was a bad mother or something stupid like that. She really should be taken off the air.


Things that are missing in most of the George Sodinis' lives is spirituality. This is a big problem in my opinion. We are spiritual beings and if we don't find something to keep us growing and evolving spiritually, we become lost.

But he said it best, "Some were meant to walk a lonely path in life".

I guess that's it. I think I haven't left anything out. If I did I'll edit this post later.

-The End.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

this place is a Nut House

it's almost 1 am. i went to bed at 11:50ish. my cousin's friend call her at 12am. she picks up starts talking like im not even there trying to sleep almost in the same room since there is no real wall. roommate comes in. she starts talking to him out lout like i dont exist. baby starts crying, again and again. her friend comes over at 12:30am talking blah blah im like BITCH ARE YOU SERIOUS!?? they go to the balcony and she starts talking with real loud ressonence in her voice. i mean they at the balcony with the door closed and i can hear her!!!

OMG!!! i... need... sleep! i cannot imagine if i land a job here in LA what ill have to go through.

from now on im gonna need to take naps. i usually dont do that because i cant sleep at night but ill have to learn. cuz i cant get more then 5 hours of sleep and that's if i'm lucky! the roomate starts clicking clicking clicking with his mouse playing counter-strike as i'm typing this. how can i sleep in this shit hole? arrghhhhh this sucks....

i'm gonna go play a lil bit of WoW. i stopped playing retail because it's just stupid. Lich King is just too much crap and Blizzard just made so many things to keep people occupied, that they don't even give us room to have fun! like the old times where you'd have huge wars and shit. i dont wanna sound like some old fart but it's true. they'd be 200 men raids to cities, arranged battles, etc.. now it's just gay. nobody wanna do nothing in world pvp. they all want to work on professions, raid dungeons, and play in battlegrounds. same old shit over and over again. that's why i'm back to private servers. unless Blizzard come up with something better, i am never again paying a dime for that game and playing it for free.

i really hope i get some sleep tonight. i am exhausted.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

My Family Situation

so i had about 3 hours of sleep tonight. i can't go to bed early because the roommate whose desk is right next to my plastic wall goes to bed late, and i cant wake up early because my cousin's baby starts yaaaaaaaaing ooooooooing eeeeeeeeeing at the fucking 6 or 7 in the morning. i don't know who my cousin is. she says one thing but does the other.

on the 27th i attended a funeral of my father's grandma's sister. i never really knew her but she was really cool every time i was around. i felt she meant well to me but we never really chatted like adults because i was too little. i saw my 4 cousins i havent seen for like 14 years. but anyway, as we were driving back my cousin is like i wanna be close to you, and we should go to the beach together and blah blah blah i just dont got time. i was like yeah after 2012 if we still alive we'll do all that haha. i mean i understand her situation. she has a baby, but man sometimes i dont even trust her. some days she talks to me like she wanna get out what's on her mind. other days she doesnt even look me in the eye.

like last night her friend came over. they go to the balcony to smoke some herbals and closed the door behind them to talk. then i come later and i hear them talking with the bathroom lights being on. i was like wtf? are they both in there? then i'm like are they having sex? i walked to the kitchen a couple of times to peep and no. seemed like they were just talking. is there some shit going on? is it a secret? why she's hiding stuff from me? her friend runs a business where he goes to factories, buys clothes of big names, and then sells them at higher prices. is that all he does? is he dirty? is my cousin dirty? i mean what the hell?

i feel like there is too much drama in this house and i dont even know about it. it's really weird and i wanna get outta here. just like i wanted to get out of my mom's and her man's crib. same shit, different story. i think i chose this life. to be distant from people and be so different from everybody that most of the world just wouldn't understand me. i mean why else does everyone around me keep acting this way? is it something i do? or is it just the way my path goes?

i got 2 female friends. one from Riverside, and the other from Compton. the Riverside chick been MIA and has hundreds of friends especially male friends because she had a dysfunctional relationship with her dad. so she makes male friends cuz she wanna be close to them i guess looking for a father in them. and all of them try to get with her. i guess im just one of the many in the pod and next weak shell be like "oh...! i forgot about that guy. let me text him. 'hi! how are you?'" fuck that! i kinda dont even wanna talk to her. flaked on me and havent even seen her once and i been in this area for a month!!! the Compton chick i e-mailed and she e-mailed me back 1 week later loool. at some point i didnt even wanna reply. took me like 5 days to reply to her reluctantly because i almost dont care anymore. i mean like... if other people don't care, why should i?