Friday, February 29, 2008

I have a hard time understanding Social Dynamics, and it fucks me up

Today i made a decision to talk to that mixed girl after class even if i have a thousand panic attacks and i can hardly breathe with my mouth being all dry. I came to a point where i realized i HAVE TO talk to women. If i dont talk to them nothing will ever happen, i will never get good at being social, and ill be all alone when i turn 50 writing on this blog crying like a little bitch that my life is not going where i want it to go.

So i was just like ok fuck it, ill act the same way i act when i give presentations in class. I have fear doing them, i used to be all shacking and trembling before but now i just get out there and put in 100% into that speech, i dont hold back one bit, my intensity is so strong when i present that fear gets shut the fuck down every second i speak; by the end of my presentation im like TJ Mackey, shit is amazing!

and i know thats how ill feel when i start talking to women, talking to people, but i hold back A LOT, and on top of that i avoid and leave certain social situations because i dont wanna appear socially awkward.

So today i set a goal to talk to that mixed girl, and were working in 2 separate groups. The class is over and our group scatters, but her and her group still talking and discussing. I talked to the girl in my group and exchanged #'s with her, cuz i really wanted to do it with someone just in case i dont show up or if they dont show they can call me but i let fear stop me. So after that she leaves and the mixed girl is still in her group talking. Im like maaaan wtf!? one day i really decide to go 100% at it to talk to her and its just some other bullshit Matrix moment in which im completely lost in and dont know what to do. Im thinking "should i wait for her? but isnt that kinda creepy?", so im like ok ill go in the bathroom and then by the time i come out shell be somewhere around so ill catch up with her. I come out the bathroom and shes nowhere to be seen.

This is so frustrating, i feel like even when i put all my energy into something im still confused cuz of something else happening that i havent planned. Im mad as hell right now, but at least i got somebody's # from that class so i can call and work on the project with her, or whatever i need.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

this is the most Universal Song i ever heard

i bet any person from any walks of life can listen to this and interpret it in their own way. amazing...

Fake Love Sucks

I was waiting for a bus this morning, and some black dude rolled down his window & yelled out my name telling me to come to the youth center. you know what that is? fake love, and it sucks! It's the same type of love some guys pretend to give to women acting friendly, all smiling and shit, when all they want is some pussy. I dont know nothing about that cuz im not a chick but either way fake love sucks!

Going to that youth center was cool, i enjoyed it, but it was also nerve wrecking. I was the ONLY white person there, and you know i like black people. and one universal thing about liking someone or something, is that you really care about it. So i'm all self conscious when im at that youth center, its like a very hard place for me to be myself. Sort of how many men act around fine ass women that they really like, they freeze up and dont know what to do or say.

but about this fake love. i know that guy, hes cool and everything, but he never called me for any other reason then to ask me for a favor. and when i didnt show up at the center after that i saw him within a few weeks and he was all acting like hes trying to get a hold of me, but i didnt say anything cuz i was like well what does he want? i know he wants me to do him that favor, but i barely know him and on top of that he doesn't verbalizes it, probably cuz hes ashamed and doesnt want to make it look like thats ALL he wants so he got all quiet and shit. And that whole 'come to the youth' may be a warm and friendly love, but its all fake.

Its very hard for me to connect with people so when something like this happens it feels as if somebody reaches out to me to show love, but its not love its fake love. I dont ever want to confuse the two, i did in the past and people played me like their stereo.

Some kids like me there though, one saw me on a bus and was wondering why im not showing up anymore. I didnt wanna tell him my reasons but damn, im too embarrassed to show my face there. oh well, it was fun while it lasted...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I'm going insane in the brain

shit man, islolation... loneliness... this is my day to day reality right now. go to school, sit in class, day dream 80% of the time, go to work maybe if i have to (thank God its on campus!), go to library, read, do homework, surf the web, then go home and play WoW. i am seriously going crazy, im in my room talking to myself and shit doing push ups, getting high playing the stupid game that i am bored of already. i mean its like there is a million things to do and i can play it 24/7 but whats the point? leveling up, doing quests, getting killed, blah blah blah, who cares!!! seriously, i think if i have to quit something i just do it. thats why i wasnt scared to get into this game, cuz i knew its not that hard to get out of. i have discipline.

damn... i love being alone and all and i even wrote a paper on being a loner, my teacher loved it and turns out hes a loner too but he has an outgoing personality so i had no idea, but this loneliness is just too redundant. i dont think too much of it is very healthy for anyone. i seriously need some friends, i just dont know what to do or where to go. its like i dont even care... but i do... common interest brings people together, but i dont have any interest that i can think of. anything im into could be random. like this game im playing, so many nerds into this shit its pathetic! i talked to the game club in my college and its a nerd fest! they play magic cards and shit, board games, video games too. martial arts, so many crazy mother fuckers, i swear when i was training Kung Fu i didnt even realize i was around a bunch of weirdos. sports i was never good at, thats why i quit that martial arts im just not a fighter or a tough guy whats the point of trying to be one, im just trying to be something im not.

this is some depressing shit i feel like i cant stick with anything. visualizations-do it for a day or 2, quit, meditation-did it for like a year or so, quit, mantras-did it a few days, quit, anything in life i start i quit, its like i hate schedules and calendars. its weird, i dont know what it is. i like doing things spontaneously or something, i dont know. im 28, and im still at the same place where i was 10 years ago. i think im a little better but overall, in life... yep, same place. i dont know nothing else comes to mind its 4 am and i gotta go wash my face and sleep. fuck this whole blog and the last dumb ass that put that comment up, ill delete that bullshit every time. at least have the balls to say who you are instead of hiding like a little bitch pretending to be other people.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Boom box in my English class made me Reminisce

My english class teacher had a boom box on the floor and that thing took me all the way back home, back where i came from, at about the age of 10 or even younger.

This was a trip. I remember when i was a kid i never had any sort of negative or uncomfortable feelings being at parties. Now i never gone to parties back then, maybe a few but mostly it was just school, home, hang out with friends, etc.. One time there was like an after class party. This man came to my class and he brought an electronic Yamaha piano with him, and some other equipment. I remember i was sitting there looking at him playing and singing like "wow, when i grow up i wanna be that", i came up to him asked him some stuff. It was amazing, i never had any sort of negative talk, i just did what i wanted, i was curious, so i came up and asked him how the stuff works, talked to him a little, he even gave me his phone # and told me if i'm interested he could teach me (I wanted to ask my mom to pay for the lessons but i never did). Now if i go to an event or to a party, which i never do, id be sitting there thinking real negative things like "what if people are watching me? what are they thinking? what if this what if that" instead of just having my mind blank and following my feelings. I miss those days man, i feel like all the people that ever fucked with me and pushed me around have really made a difference the way i feel inside and it makes me really mad that i let them.

I think its also the transition moving to America. It made me feel totally different. Back home id feel like everybody is the same, i knew everybody in my classes and everybody knew me. When i looked at Americans on tv id be like "wow, theyre so cool". Then i came here and felt like everybody was better then me. Damn that inferiority complex is lame but ive had it for the longest, still do subconsciously in certain situations. I miss being a kid, not having a care in the world, being real fun and cracking jokes. I was really something back then, people thought i was funny and i was because i was just being myself.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Black Student Union, and my White Ass in it...

today was a hell of a day, i had a few things happening. first that mixed girl in my class. we ended up being in groups and started talking and both of my partners all talking about fraternities and sororities and how its like, and then it shifted to student union clubs and i was like man.... "i joined a Black Student Union but i never go there cuz im white and its weird as hell, but im really interested", told them a story about me, and how some black students who saw me sign up probably think im a spy or something. then i said how i talked to some buddies about it and they were like "ohhhh maaan i feel you on that, you need somebody to go with you, that is just too out there". and that mixed girl was like... "im in the Black Student Union, ill come with you", i was like oh man oh man... i dont know, you gonna be embarrassing me.

she got my # and told me shell call me when the next event comes. i am sooooooooooo nervous, i was even talking to my shrink about it how id get high before i go to ease the stress and my social awkwardness because i almost never go to events. and he was like "its better you dont get high, because some people may ask you what you doing here? and they wont take you seriously when you tell them you really interested in the black community if they spot that you high." i was like shit man hes right, either way this is nerve wracking. i just wish i wasnt so damn nervous meeting people but i am, thats something ill have to deal with for the rest of my life.

man... im really really nervous about this but i dont think its that bad, this other black girl i know told me people of other races attend the BSU events. im just so damn insecured and it pisses me off cuz some people see me when looking in my eyes. ah whatever, ill have to wait and see what happens...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I am Officially addicted to M.I.A.

this is a trip. my roomate friend was using my PC to put his music on his HD but when he left, there were a few albums in my documents folder cuz he set the directory to the wrong place. M.I.A. album was in there, i start listening to it and im hooked. I cant get enough of this stuff.. 2 songs that i been playing non stop yesterday

I'm gonna check out their other album, this shit is dope!!! I need to find out where these guys are from. I dont know anything about them...

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Fucked up Haircut and a weird Dream

I just came back from this salon with a fucked up hair cut. I miss my barber, that guy hooked me up! But i moved out of that neighborhood and will never, ever, EVER go back there ever again! So that was out of the question, plus he charges like $20, and id have to tip him so thats 24 for a hair cut.

So i go a few blocks down from where i stay and the place where the Filipino ladies is closed, im thinking damn guess ill come back next week till i see this sign "$8 for a haircut". Thing about me is that im not very observative, so i walk in and its some Asian woman. Then the lady who cuts hair is this old vietnamese lady telling me to sit down in the chair. If i was smart id be like nah im cool and walk out, but i dont think about stuff like that i just go along for the ride. So shes like "what do you want?" im like you know what a shadow fade is? and she goes ".........", im like uh... shadow fade is this and blah blah, and shes like ok. I say "i dont want you to mess it up" cuz i realize this could be a reality for me today. She goes "i dont mess up honey". I tell her #4 on the sides and she starts trimming but it looks like shes almost shaving me its so short im like "HOLD UP! do #5 instead". Long story short, she barely cut the top off, i told her make it 1 inch short, but instead she took off 1 inch, and i havent had a hair cut since November 15th of last year! So my shit was long as hell. im looking at the sides right now... i can see the hair sticking out over my ears, when it should be perfectly trimmed. Stupid bitch, she was even talking in vietnamese, pulling my hair so hard like she was about to tear em out. Then i give the other lady $8 she looks at me with "no tip?" look... Bitch! you both need to learn manners and not speak in your language when you have a custumer, and your whore of a friend needs to learn how to CUT HAIR! And i need to be more observative so i dont get into these stupid predicaments like i always do.

I used to have a life coach that was more of a therapist that my mom's b/f put me with. And recently i wrote this guy an e-mail saying everything i wanted to say, how he never really saw me and couldnt help me as a result, how he lies through his ass and never follows through with his words, even though he preaches the opposite. I was trying sooo hard to meet with him in person to tell him this but he just kept flaking and lying "yeah, well get together next month, next week, in october, blah blah blah" or "ill call you next week, ill call you next month". So i was like fuck it! im writing him an e-mail cuz im sick of this dude always leaving me hanging. He got offended with my e-mail but i never replied to his response. Today i have this dream about him, very short cuz all i remember is the part with him in it.

I leave this room with my mom and her man in it, and right in the next room there is some lady, and him, this guy the therapist. He looks old and miserable as shit! He looks at me with this "i hate you" look and asks me "can i help you?". He must've looked 10 years older then he is. So I call him by his name and say... "never mind", go back in the room tell my mom something, come back out and leave the place. Dreams are weird, they never make sense.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Insomnia & Having a Hard Time Getting Up - Dream

I been suffering with Insomnia since High School because i don't have a regular schedule. I go to bed late, and i wake up late. Other days i go to bed early, and i still wake up late. Lately though it's been good because i moved back to my mom and she got a real nice bed to sleep on. I was sleeping on a piece of shit air bed when i had roomates, and the last month i was sleeping on the floor so i had a really hard time falling asleep.

But getting up in the morning is the toughest part for me. I'd lay there for 2 hours if i have time wasting it because i don't wanna get up, its ridiculous. I feel like nothing matters and i wish i could just sleep my whole life away. That's why every morning comes i'm like "ehhh, i wish i didnt have to get up". It's weird, i even have something to look forward to for once, playing WoW. Already got a 51 level Warlock in less then a week... fun server rules! and even then i dont care, id rather lay in bed for 2 extra hours i have before school.

I had a dream today about the PSI girl, its weird ive lost interest in her, we completely don't click, and she's like the quietest girl i ever met, but i keep thinking about her and having dreams about her. The dream went something like, i saw her and said something. Usually she says "yes, no" and nothing else, in the dream though she said something back then leaned over and gave me a kiss. I mean the kiss was so intense, i FELT it like it was REAL! Her tongue was all up in my mouth, it was HOT! Literally, i felt the heat from it not just in my mouth but in my chest and my body, it was really weird. I think she was laying on top of me with us touching each other. Next time I have a dream I'm gonna blog right after i wake up or at least after my class, damn its already time to go to bed... oh well...

Monday, February 11, 2008

Flavor of Love 3, hahahahhahahahahahha

Ok, this post is a negative one even though im trying to be more positive but i have an excuse for i am high. But never again... just this once...

So im watching this show and its that same old bullshit. A bunch of fake ass bitches trying to get fame by going on one of the most popular shows on TV network to perform the attention whorism infront of everybody in this country.

HOLD THE FUCK UP! im about to take a huge hit out of my bong.....

ok im back, 3 big ass hits in 1. phewwww, shit it is official Bongs>>>>everything else. Smoking with a blunt is just fronting to look cool, smoking with a pipe you get a whole lot of crappy ash stuck in your throat, now a bong?? shit i just made my 2nd one and loving it! why do people even spend money on glass bongs? just make one with a fucking plastic can and a pen. Anyway, so back to the show...

Man... where do i start? I was so fucking mad watching that show i was laughing loud as shit knowing this is nothing more then a stage for these hoes and they just trying their best to act like they feeling the dude when they not. Stupid ass bitches i hate that bullshit man! So this one blonde chick talking about she's a radio personality and shes trying to sound like shes from the hood. you bum ass bitch stop trying to act. This other girl talking about "its all about the movement, i been down for this since i was in my mama's womb blah blah blah" bitch Shut the FUCK UP!!! you dont know wtf you talking about, then Flav asks her a question about what his clock means and the hoe is sitting there looking like somebody just hit her with a pipe and she doesnt know wtf is going on... haaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahha you dumb ass bitch you all talk, cant even act you should've at least practiced at home in front of your mirror before being this fake ass "down with the movement" tramp.

oh man, and that other girl, Shy, oh man... this is the most loudest obnoxious, and just like Flava said it himself "a shit starter" bitch is fake! stop with all that acting.

but I got to pay respect to Flava Flav, i really respect that dude. He is a cool ass guy who is real as fuck, you can never take that away from him. I hate it when fake ass bitches try to take advantage of good peoples like him all because their ass wanna get a modeling career and she needs a show to act on.

I like the twins though they seem like some cool ass girls. Oh and Flava Flav really knows what hes doing i respect that. Dude knows exactly what is going on and plays the game. HAHA, after he was done with the twins they said "OMG, i have never had that type of emotional moment" or something like that. He knows that women are very emotional so he just makes emotional moments, he controls all their feelings going up and down. Damn, if there is one thing ive learned from reading all that material about women and hanging out with guys who try to get their game together, is that women are VERY emotional, and if you know how to control her emotions you can make them go up and down like a roller coaster and she will love you for it. She doesn't want some boring ass guy who sits there being all shy and quiet, she wants a man who can make her emotions melt and then raise, then melt, then raise again. Flava Flav gets made fun of by dumb ass idiots who call him ugly, but that man knows women.......

Ok, im off to playing my fucking game. Level 27 in a few hours, how can you fuck with that?

Friday, February 8, 2008

Friday with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

i had a 2pm class as i do every MFW, and there is this fine ass mixed Puerto Rican/Asian/Black girl in it right. On wednesday i got put in a group with her and the other 2 girls. i like her so today before class i got high off 2 hits in a bathroom. and you know as i mentioned on sohh earlier i got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, its when i have a hard time controlling my fear and it just breaks free at weird moments that effect my psychological being, and i think there is some history behind these triggers but thats another story.

So right before class i was real nervous about going in, my heart is pounding, my hands shaking, fear is just running through me as im in a bathroom on the 5th floor of the building by myself. A few people come and go so i just wait till they all leave and i lit up. After this im still panacking, i know im gonna be in the class and that girl is gonna be there, its like a nightmare man. I could literally feel fear throughout every inch of my body like an electrical circus occupying every nerve that runs down my veins. Even after i lit up i still feel it and its not going away. So im like fuck it, i gotta go in cuz whether or not shes interested i gotta learn and pass this piece of shit class with a funny ass teacher. So i go in, im early, 3 seats in the back available so i choose the one in the middle just incase the seat next to me gets occupied. Im thinking damn will she sit next to me? Fear is running me like a bitch, im shacking on the inside, all i think is "what if this? what if that?", "what if she sits away from me? what if she ignores me? what if shes interested? what if she isnt? is she nice to everybody or shes nice to me because she likes me? was she shacking her foot nervously last class because she really likes me? or was it because she knows i like her and she doesnt wanna be a bitch by blowing me off? what if this what if that?" man at this point im like FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I NEED TO GO OUTSIDE! GET SOME FRESH AIR IM TIRED OF THIS NERVE WRACKING PIT OF HELL! so i go downstairs and pretend everything is ok when inside im boiling. I go back upstairs and everybody is in a group, the seats in the back are not occupied only my books are sitting on top of one chair. I get put into a group and then i just act like whatever, ask the teacher questions, talk a lil, laugh a lil, shit im thinking to myself "am i really saying all this stuff outloud or am i just thinking?" oh man, getting high sometimes could be frustrating...

so um.... im still nervous, dont know what to do or say. scared that she will reject me if i talk to her, scared that she will diss me, and im tired of rejection, all my life i get rejected and i think that is the root of my fear-rejection. the more rejection i go through the weaker i feel, like im nothing, and everytime i stick around to find out the answer is usually no, and every other time i dont it is probably yes but im unwilling to stick around because i think that its probably no. so after class i just take my book and leave nervously hoping i would see her in a hall or out somewhere.

i get high in another building of my college and go to a mall thinking of flirting but i end up not opening my mouth the entire time. A fine ass bitch was walking next to me and i didnt even say how you doing? so i went home all disappointed beating myself up like i always do. got home and got high some more, played some WoW, wacked off a few times, i do that when im depressed, and now planning to go to sleep. Dont know whats gonna happen with that girl but ill talk to my shrink about it, im too scared to find out to be honest with you. Everytime im thinking the connection is real it turns out to be nothing but a fluke, and im frightened to be having this same moment in my life over and over and over again, so i run as far and as fast as i can not looking back hoping for a miracle.

man all the people making fun of PTSD need to die, this is some serious shit, i wish i could make them feel this mental and physical hell, they'd wish they were dead. fucking bitches!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Things to look forward to and Having Motivation

I've been thinking about this today. Many people have things to look forward to, and that gets them the motivation to get things done, like finishing their homework, or doing their job that they may not like. Some people have lots of friends so when they got a shit load of homework in school or a shit load of projects at work and they feel trapped, they just think about their friends and realize the sooner they finish whatever they supposed to the sooner they'll be able to go hang out with their friends and do whatever they'd like. Some guys have wives, and that is their motivation, they're like "oh man after i finish this, ill go home to my wife and fuck, hang out, watch movies, invite friends, and do whatever". For me, at the current moment that motivation is World of Warcraft. I think it's a good thing as sad as that may sound.

I mean what's the point of wasting my free time sitting at home being bored by myself, ok my mom and her man are there but they are boring!!! I got nothing to do there other then watch tv, and browse the internet, and that gets boring quick! Getting high is cool but honestly getting high by yourself gets boring fast. I don't have any siblings, my family is not big, me and my cousins are re-united and that's great but we still not that close. My guy cousin got his girlfriend and lives like an hour away, haven't spoken to him in weeks. Same for my girl cousin, she just had a baby so she gotta look after her. So yeah, an online video game is my motivation and you know what? i like it! I feel great!!! This is the feeling that I've been missing, motivation. Just having a thought and realizing "damn, if i finish this homework within an hour i can go home and play my game the rest of the day".

I'll make friends and get a girlfriend eventually, but until then this is a great hobby and I'm thinking of registering on the Blizzard's official server now that i been playing this game for free.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

So I moved back to my mom

This past Friday night i moved back home. Kinda feels DeJavu, i moved back home last year around the same time, life is crazy.

I got a cool ass therapist in school though, we set goals for me and talked about some deep stuff. I think that's what a lot of guys need, a role model, someone who can help work on the goals, and make progress. I got high my first time before class, took only 3 hits, was fun! I wanna really experiment with weed, it really sets me free, and lets me breathe a little. Talk a lil here lil there, then i open up and its like a momentum. To go to college and NOT smoke weed is missing out on a whole lot of experience, and i got a few more semesters to go so WHY NOT!?

I'm taking school seriously now cuz I'm on probation, gotta get the grades up or I get kicked out or get in some trouble, i still need to see my counselor i keep forgetting. Anyway, off to bed beeing on WoW all night, this game is addictive as fuck!