Friday, September 30, 2016

I am fucked up

so today is my birthday, and I am at the lowest mental state I have been in a long time. listening to this song to keep my spirits up. it's helping a little, but not much

I can barely type, because tendons in my hands are fucked up. I am too insecure to speak words into my computer because I don't want no one hearing what I have to share here at work or even at home-all paranoid that my roommate or my landlord/his fam hears me upstairs. I have such low self-esteem. it's truly disgusting. there is a new girl at work that sits in my cube, and she is real pretty. she is portuguese, spanish, and mexican. I am too fucking nervous to talk to her, and tbh i dont want to. i done it once and dont wanna do it again. i am sick of women and especially the whole game of men needing to be the conversation starters, leaders, and closers-bringing these bitches out of their shell. fuck that bullshit! i have a hard time bringing myself out of MY shell. what makes these hoes so different?

I am paranoid that they see everything I type here at work, but I keep blogging here regardless. I am not sure if this will be my last blog for a while, but I really am exhausted from life. I feel so overwhelmed, i cannot even put it into words. was just watching people dance at raves on youtube. and i feel so fucking shameful, and self-pittied. i can barely dance in front of myself sometimes, feeling all self-concious thinking some spirits are watching me. it's hard to dance in front of people. i am a paranoid fuck. i was thinking on why i am an outcast, and so weird. and one thing comes to mind-my Jewish ancestry. even with me being tuned into this Alt-Right movement, white nationalism, and the understanding the struggle of whites being genocided by psycho Jews, I can sort of see why Jews want them destroyed. many of these parasitic Jews feel like me. they are outcasts living in a foreign land without a country. they dont fit in with the natives, and they want to hurt them to make them feel their pain. exactly why these sociopaths go on shooting sprees. but then again, this is just my theory. who knows the real answer.

even my Russian European side doesn't really come through much. my Russian grandfather was a gangster, and a leader of some gang in Russia. he had 17 knife wounds on his body from fighting people with knives. and I am like the complete opposite of that. never even met the guy. he passed I think 10 days after I was born. I never met any of my grandfathers. never had any male role models of close relatives. so no wonder i never developed a strong confidence and the understanding of what it's like to be a man. even with all the martial arts I am doing, it doesn't really help me to gain any confidence. I think I need to get back into Pick-up and take action. but i barely wanna leave my room, which is my comfort zone. every time i think to self "i wanna go out tonight by myself". i just end up googling different spots, and abandoning the mission. my PTSD is out of control. i was even thinking of doing some ecstasy because I heard it helps people like me, but dont even know any people who i can get it from.

I hung out with one tranny last Friday, and i really like her. but the tranny community is weird. if you wanna be with a tranny, chances are you gotta pay. not gonna go into the whole story of what happened, but I have a feeling she likes me. or maybe it's just my naivety speaking. and even with her I am scared. she is a party girl-likes to go out drinking, different clubs, feels like she has a strong character. and i can't stop thinking of people messing with me the second my foot hits the ground after i park my car, with fear running through my veins like electric waves traveling throughout my body. I am a mess, but I think this trans community was meant for me. so many weirdos in it, oh man... they make me look sort of normal haha. so out of all the creeps and old men these trannies meet, i am the guy they actually want to get to know. i cant even imagine how turned off most women would be once they find out about me, my skeletons, including my attraction for transsexuals. but i dont need to imagine it. most women are very cold to me. they probably pickup on my vibe of chaos and fear.

most days I just stay home or hang out with my ts friend thinking to myself 'what do i do with my life?' because in the end, I just don't know. I find myself giving up, starting back up, but giving up more often. I just dont know what to do. but in the end, happy birthday to me!


Paz said...

happy birthday, space. stop being so hard on yourself.

Sp said...

thanks, Paz. I was gonna say what's up cuz i know your b/d was yesterday. but since you dont visit your blog anymore, i didnt think you'd see it. anyway, happy birthday!