Huge Panic Attack

so yesterday after I trained my Kung Fu, I left and approached this girl outside. Afterwards, I felt this fear running through my body. And when I got home, I felt weak because I didn't eat for 7 hours. So, finally I ate my frozen burrito, thinking it will make me feel better. I still felt weak and like I was going to faint. my plans were to go out, drink 4 shots of vodka before I get to the club. And then talk to girls there while drunk. But I didn't go. I was worried that if I already feel like passing out, vodka may just do that.

Today I thought fuck it, no work tomorrow and I will go out tonight instead. It's Sunday so it would be slow, so no drinking. But I still feel weak like yesterday.

So  I am watching this funny ass movie, Dinner for Schmucks, because I thought I need to watch something funny when I feel shitty rather than browse toxic pol on the weekend. And I had this HUGE panic attack. This is why I stopped smoking weed, cuz i'd get these all the time. But now I am sober and I felt like kms. Called my tranny friend, literally the only one i have, and she calmed me down and told me to take the pill my doc subscribed to me. I ended up in ER last year cuz had a panic attack just like this. they told me it's from stress and nothing is wrong with me.

I feel better now, but still weak. I just feel like it's too heavy to be in this body with all my problems. And I am so lonely. it's too much sometimes to handle. I am also doing No Fap and on it for a while. Feel a lot better mentally and physically, but sometimes I need to release. But soon I'm going to Europe to do some self improvement for myself, and I hope it helps.

I haven't been blogging at all, because I guess I am just really private and stopped caring about my blog lately. So, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe not. it's kinda random, not like I used to post all the time. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm trying to improve myself in my love life and my social life, but it's so fucking hard. sometimes I just wanna get drunk and numb my feelings down, so that I don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and worthlessness. Because everywhere I go, all I see is couples everywhere. Feels like I'm disconnected from humanity and everything else in the universe.

Forever sexually frustrated

that's how I feel right now.

I'm back on my No Fap, No Porn program. I think I blogged about this yeeaaaaaars ago. but it is really helpful this time, because I have really stuck with it. I got to a point where my dick was lifeless. NOTHING turned me on. I only got off and had erections through porn. I came like 1x per 3 weeks at least to release, but that would still be me fapping and watching porn, the most damaging thing to men and their erectile dysfunction in our age. this was me, but after No Fap since August 1st, which is almost 3 months now, I actually wake up with hard boners. I get real erections when talking to or even looking at women!! I can't believe it. I actually FEEL something in my pants, and get arousals.

I just don't know how long I'll be able to hold off. I need a release, and me not being that great with girls really makes it extremely difficult. I wanna get better but feel so alone. no friends, no wingmen, and think I need to create a 30 day program of me pushing my boundaries socially every day, until I start to actually approach and talk to women I am attracted to. otherwise, going out to the beach every once in a while to talk to strangers won't change shit. it may get me laid one day if I'm lucky and grow enough courage to start approaching girls, but in the end I'll still remain the same.

fuck life is hard. sometimes I have not even an outlet sexually. Sometimes I wish I lived in a state or a country where prostitution was legal. because my dick feels like it is going to explode some days, along with my balls.

I asked an Indian Girl out at work...

I know, I know... after getting red-pilled, I am 100% against race-mixing. But I am not planning on having children, so I think I am good.

I did not think I was going to do this. I haven't asked a woman out in a loooooooong ass time. And frankly, I am frightened to show any woman my lonely world. Which is why I don't ask any women out. But today at work I was helping this girl out, and she is so my type. Big girl, curvy, BBW kind. I am in IT so I was setting up her laptop. There wasn't any social pressure since we were in a private room. Then I lead the conversation to eventually bringing out the part that she is from India (took me like 3x ffs). Then it was Bollywood > Padmavatti (my favorite movie of 2018) > Shiva Goddess, etc.. and from there she was very cool. Showed me I.O.I.'s and everything. She was very surprised about my knowledge of Indian culture.

I really felt the tension, and was thinking about asking her out but hesitated 2x. Then finally I ask "Would you like to have lunch sometime?" She paused for 2 seconds...... then said yes. Then before leaving, she said "yeah, email me so we can have lunch". I guess she really likes me. She is kinda short, though. I think 5'2", or even shorter. But DAMN she is thick!

I don't know. I am really afraid about race-mixing, but not like we're going to have sex next time. It may not even work out. I just hope she won't try to use me to get a green card cuz her VISA expires in 2020. Will post more details soon...

Pick-Up Journal Entry

so I am following this guy on youtube The Fearless Man. he gives lots of good advice, one of which is keep a journal. I am just sharing one event from last night here publicly.

I got really drunk. Drank 4 shots before taking Uber, and when got to the club was all buzzed. Then when I go inside... it is a gay night!! I was like... WTF!?!?! NOT AGAIN! I just remembered now that the website said "pansexual night". I googled it, but didnt really understand it correctly. I only went cuz they played House.

When I'm in I approach this group of 1 guy and 1 girl. I ask what is this? and the guy says "it's mostly bi people here. you can find some girls, but mostly it's bi guys." his friend was cute and I asked them where can I find regular clubs. she started giving me advice on clubs I already been to, and they were kinda far. she was from New York and really cute, down to earth, and talkative. she talked more than me. I offered her a drink. she said sure. then when I got drinks, I took mine, and walked off. I forgot to 1) ask her about her outfit (just realized it this morning). she was wearing some weird costume with her toes showing, and her friend was too. probably characters from a video game, and 2) ask for her number. One other thing I forgot to do was actually GIVE HER THE DRINK. I just left it at the bar. Small things like this really matter.

What I learned: I never really ask girls out. I talk, I am NOT GROUNDED AT ALL, I dont know what to say, and dont even notice things due to me not being grounded.

Goals: I will focus on these things from now. Go out, talk to girls, get their #, get dates. rinse and repeat. I just dont do the last 2 things, hence I never have any connections with girls or anything outside of a conversation. I expect some sort of magic to happen where I develop amazing game, and I sweep these women off their feet. But I need experience to do that. Plus, I watch keys to the VIP and most men simply suck and get #s doing much worse conversationally than me. So again, 1) Talk to girls, 2) get #s, 3) set dates.

Will update this later if I need to change things around, but this is it for now.

p.s. I puked in the club bathroom a little after my 5th drink, and then after taking Uber home outside of my place next to a tree REALLY BADLY. man... I woke up all fucked up with a hang over, but feel much better now.

Weird Dream about a Girl

so last night I had the weirdest dream. I am at some party or some social gathering or maybe some sort of vacation getaway? I don't remember the whole thing. Then I talk to one blonde white girl at some point, and she's not feeling me. Then I just brush her off, and she walks away. Then there is this other brunette girl (at first I thought she was Indian, but I think she was white with dark features with tanned skin. maybe Sicilian) that sits with me and falls into my arms. I start talking with her. The 1st girl notices this. After a few moments I tell her..

Me: Hey, maybe we should get something to eat. I wanna take you out sometime.
Her: Really??

and then I don't remember the rest of the convo. but then she gets up and stands in front of me a few feet away where I can have a good look at her fully (torso to face), and then she says "and you waited for me all your life" while she throws her naked arms to her sides. Then I woke up shortly.

I had 2 small cluster headaches, though. 1 at 4:19am that woke me up. It was getting worse, so I drank some water, opened my window and breathed deeply for a while. Went away after 15 mins. Went back to sleep. The second was at 6ish am, but I went back to sleep. Did the same thing, and it seemed to help. My alarm rang at 6:36am so I had some sleep. I think it was sinus, though. I felt it dripping inside my head a little.

Looks, Money, Status

some parts of this video had me laughing for a good minute. reminds me back in my PUAHate posting days. The guys there were doing these Male Model experiments, and those were the funniest threads I read in my life. Girls would reply to craziest shit the more gl the guy was. I left 6-12 months before Elliot Rogers went on his killing spree cuz it was so toxic, but I don't remember him posting there. Maybe cuz he was just another screen name to me, or he wasn't posting back then..

Steve Jabba is awesome

Pick-up is like meditation. but let's be real here. Jabba is a good looking guy. that helps a lot. looks DOES matter. anyone tells you it doesn't is full of shit...

when will I start living?

I am 37 years old, soon to be 38, and I have never lived my life. I've always just existed, like a leaf floating in mid air, going towards any direction the wind blows.

I haven't been blogging lately due to several reasons, but this is one of them. when will I start living? will I go through life until it's my time to leave being miserable and lonely? I am just tired of blogging about the same shit, complaining about the same thing. and I give up so much. I really want to to get back into pickup but feel like I cant do this alone. its so efing hard. plus i really wanna move outta Cali. people here are so passive aggresive, its like they dont wanna be talked to. but i need 2 travel first to see the rest of US but im scared.

anyway. just wanted 2 let that off my chest. its hot af today. gonna go finish exercising and shower. maybe go to the beach..

a Girl Asked me out...

this just happened a few hours ago. I am a floating tech going building to building working with computers, and I was helping this new girl a few months back. So today I ended up in her building again cus I get sent there a lot. She's always been nice to me, and recognizes me, which is strange cuz most women in the corporate world environment are different and aloof. so today I see her in an elevator, and I say hello. she asks me some computer question and we just chit chatted. then as we get off I ask her where she's going for lunch. she says here to get something real quick. and then she goes "we should have lunch sometime so you can teach me about IT stuff". I said sure but since we were walking separate ways and she got me so off guard (this never happened before in my life!), I didn't know what to do. I thought about giving her my #, but we just parted ways with her going left and me going straight. not sure where this is going to go, and since I got red-pilled I am 100% against race-mixing (she looks Japanese and you know how Asians love white guys). but I don't want kids; still it could happen. either way. I'll post the update here if anything comes out of it.

Tom Torero-the best Pick-Up teacher I found

after meeting all the disgusting douchbags like Tyler Durden and his RSD crew, I have been turned off by most of the "PUAs" in the community and took a long break. I really want to get back into pick-up, but finding an instructor that matches your style is no easy task. So far, this is the best guy I found, even though I haven't seen him in-field yet. but if you can find a better teacher, let me know.

I am doing a lot of studying, getting back into reading books, and setting goals. And once I'm ready, I'm going to start doing Pick-up. I don't want to be a miserable and lonely old man thinking about what I could've done in life. And if I let life pass me by, I may just end up that way...

I am fucked up

so today is my birthday, and I am at the lowest mental state I have been in a long time. listening to this song to keep my spirits up. it's helping a little, but not much




I can barely type, because tendons in my hands are fucked up. I am too insecure to speak words into my computer because I don't want no one hearing what I have to share here at work or even at home-all paranoid that my roommate or my landlord/his fam hears me upstairs. I have such low self-esteem. it's truly disgusting. there is a new girl at work that sits in my cube, and she is real pretty. she is portuguese, spanish, and mexican. I am too fucking nervous to talk to her, and tbh i dont want to. i done it once and dont wanna do it again. i am sick of women and especially the whole game of men needing to be the conversation starters, leaders, and closers-bringing these bitches out of their shell. fuck that bullshit! i have a hard time bringing myself out of MY shell. what makes these hoes so different?

I am paranoid that they see everything I type here at work, but I keep blogging here regardless. I am not sure if this will be my last blog for a while, but I really am exhausted from life. I feel so overwhelmed, i cannot even put it into words. was just watching people dance at raves on youtube. and i feel so fucking shameful, and self-pittied. i can barely dance in front of myself sometimes, feeling all self-concious thinking some spirits are watching me. it's hard to dance in front of people. i am a paranoid fuck. i was thinking on why i am an outcast, and so weird. and one thing comes to mind-my Jewish ancestry. even with me being tuned into this Alt-Right movement, white nationalism, and the understanding the struggle of whites being genocided by psycho Jews, I can sort of see why Jews want them destroyed. many of these parasitic Jews feel like me. they are outcasts living in a foreign land without a country. they dont fit in with the natives, and they want to hurt them to make them feel their pain. exactly why these sociopaths go on shooting sprees. but then again, this is just my theory. who knows the real answer.

even my Russian European side doesn't really come through much. my Russian grandfather was a gangster, and a leader of some gang in Russia. he had 17 knife wounds on his body from fighting people with knives. and I am like the complete opposite of that. never even met the guy. he passed I think 10 days after I was born. I never met any of my grandfathers. never had any male role models of close relatives. so no wonder i never developed a strong confidence and the understanding of what it's like to be a man. even with all the martial arts I am doing, it doesn't really help me to gain any confidence. I think I need to get back into Pick-up and take action. but i barely wanna leave my room, which is my comfort zone. every time i think to self "i wanna go out tonight by myself". i just end up googling different spots, and abandoning the mission. my PTSD is out of control. i was even thinking of doing some ecstasy because I heard it helps people like me, but dont even know any people who i can get it from.

I hung out with one tranny last Friday, and i really like her. but the tranny community is weird. if you wanna be with a tranny, chances are you gotta pay. not gonna go into the whole story of what happened, but I have a feeling she likes me. or maybe it's just my naivety speaking. and even with her I am scared. she is a party girl-likes to go out drinking, different clubs, feels like she has a strong character. and i can't stop thinking of people messing with me the second my foot hits the ground after i park my car, with fear running through my veins like electric waves traveling throughout my body. I am a mess, but I think this trans community was meant for me. so many weirdos in it, oh man... they make me look sort of normal haha. so out of all the creeps and old men these trannies meet, i am the guy they actually want to get to know. i cant even imagine how turned off most women would be once they find out about me, my skeletons, including my attraction for transsexuals. but i dont need to imagine it. most women are very cold to me. they probably pickup on my vibe of chaos and fear.

most days I just stay home or hang out with my ts friend thinking to myself 'what do i do with my life?' because in the end, I just don't know. I find myself giving up, starting back up, but giving up more often. I just dont know what to do. but in the end, happy birthday to me!

I wonder if you can do pickup in..

Second Life. I wanna get back into pickup. but scared and dunno if im ready. but then again, i dont no if ill ever b ready...

Meditation and Music helps

I really need to get back into pick-up. I haven't done any approaches in so long, I feel like I lost all my power. I need to keep approaching women. It gives me energy, and makes me feel alive. It's really weird. Approaching women to get with makes me feel confident and amazing as a man.

But anyway, meditation helps to clear the mind. I have been doing it daily for about 2 weeks, and can actually remember my dreams every time I wake up, at least some of them. Even after I stopped smoking weed, I couldn't remember 90% of my dreams anymore. It's like I didn't care. I stopped reading my Seth book, and forgot all about that 2nd life. I also read that people who meditate every day, have Lucid Dreams on the regular basis. I remember back when I was trying to Astral Project, but didn't realize it's a constant work. Working on yourself as a person. Meditation is like food, spiritual food. Just like music

I found a place!!

I realized that I hate blogging. I really don't like it. it takes my time and i'd rather do shit 24/7 and be a bum, than blogging. it's fucking boring as shit. i just like it because it helps me to get bad stuff out of me, and also keeps a record of my life. it's almost as if 'hey, what was that really good movie I saw the other day?' hang on, let me check my blog. but I digress.

I found a place! holy balls i haven't been this excited for the last 4 years. my excitement faded back when I had to move back in with my mom, and her boyfriend, now ex, living with her. it was a nightmare. but I believe this is fate. I created this moment by focusing on my independence that lead me to have a huge fight with my mom and then making a 100% decision that I'm moving.

the place is AMAZING! I cannot believe I found something like this so close to my job. I mean it's the same distance as I travel now, but it could've been much further. get this. I got:

my own bathroom

my own hallway

my own closet

and my own room... all in one place.

it's like I have my own place, with a shared kitchen.

and on top of that all, my room is not even connected to my "roommates". since my place is divided with another room by a hallway all around the corners of my room! I don't know how I found this. and the price is unbeatable! so yeah. at this point, I could actually go out there and talk to the ladies without a problem. I mean I still will have a looooooooong way to go to be considered 'good', but at least I will have a PLAN! a plan to bring the girl back TO MY CRIB!!!!! hahahahaha. wow. it's amazing how much money matters. if you don't have enough, you'll be a miserable fuck that's stuck with your parents for the rest of your life. you just gotta change the vibration you're on, and that's exactly what I've been doing for the last 6 months. and it's working!!! 

I already moved half of my stuff today, and my friend lend me her sleeping mattress. we'll see how it is, but she is upscale. everything she buys is expensive and man, i can't wait to test that bad boy out tomorrow. still sleeping back at home tonight.

my life is now all about money, learning, career, more learning, studying, reading, news, more learning. life is hard work. and those that don't understand this, always stay lazy and complain about it all the time to other people. sorry but to make it in this life and to get anywhere you want to be at, you gotta work... hard! there is no other way. and this is coming from one of the laziest people on the planet. at least I used to be. now I'm pushing myself to finish my projects I start on faster than before. it's hard but after I am finished with this move, I will get back into my goals and stay on top of them. that's why I stopped smoking marijuana regularly. it breaks my focus and makes me lazy, not wanting to do anything but play video games and looking at porn. weed is only good when you're hanging out with a bitch. doing it alone just makes you a pothead that plays video games all day. completely unproductive loser. something I will NEVER become. I refuse to.

My Latest Approach, pt. 2

so as I am leaving my class a few hours ago, I wait for the elevator. as I get in, guess who is there... it's my girl standing there in the corner. I eye her for a bit, only to realize there is a guy there standing next to her chatting her up. I'm like okay, cool... whatever. I feel like it wasn't a good time to approach.

I remember the second week after my initial approach I was really nervous. I was actually contemplating on waiting outside for her. at this point... I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! a man of my caliber with as many issues as I have, and with no independence or life of my own, I don't feel like I could contribute a whole lot to a woman's life. so I'm like... what the fuck ever. seeing her talking to that tall guy brought me back to all the times I'd be browsing ads on craigslist. seeing so many women make posts like "I want a guy who is at least 6'1"..." and mind you, some of these bitches are 5'2".... 5'2"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FUCK YOU WANT A GUY TO WHOM YOU COMPARE AS A MIDGET... YOU ARE 5'2"!!!!!!! MY GOD... SOMEONE NEEDS TO SLAP THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!!

internet dating is a fucking joke. but it makes me realize in how much of a high demand tall guys are for most women. is it their dick size? is that the whole fantasy women have in their minds when they see tall guys? arghhh... whatever. I don't care. if I see this chic alone next time, I'll say hi. if not, I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Latest Approach

I haven't done pick-up in a LONG ass time. I forgot what it's like to have that adrenaline, and the amazing feeling afterwards. In fact, I been dying slowly on the inside as a result feeling a complete loss of power. I just don't see myself chasing women in the streets being a 34 year old, who doesn't have his own place, and has nothing to show for. but I digress, today as I am coming out of my class that I am taking in the fall, the elevator is full. I am like fuck it, and take the stairs. As I get down to the first level, I see her. She is this white girl about my height, but her whole body is just..... so juicy. it is thick and voluptuous like Kelly Price, but not to such extreme. Her calves are so thick and sexy I was like HOLY BALLS I HAVEN'T SEEN A GIRL LIKE THAT IN A WHILE!

my routine is usually wack. I usually just ignore, and walk past like I don't notice her. What can I say, the less you approach, the more you fall back into your old ways. But as I follow this girl from the back we almost get to the door and... she stops suddenly. Looks my way. I am not sure if it's towards me or just for any random reason. As I am walking past her right side I check if she has a wedding ring... didn't look like it but still was sort of vague and hard to see. I stop about a meter ahead of her and wait 2 secs. Turn to my right and she is walking back towards elevator. Then she gets there and checks her phone, and looks my way again. This was just weird cuz I'm thinking 'wtf? I don't wanna assume it's for me. but not sure what her problem is'. I don't want to look too much into like I always have in the past. Then she starts walking towards this secluded area and I was like 'MAN THIS IS PERFECT!' I come up to her from her right side and introduce myself, and chit chat with her a little. She started smiling knowing what time it is BOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! was sort of shocked, as nearly all white girls are when you go direct on them. I don't really give a rats ass at this point. I ask for us to hang out and she says 'If I see you again'. So I'm like coo... and bounce. I could've pushed it but at this point in my life, I am not exactly so enthusiastic going after women considering my living situation, etc..

Afterwards... I was like HELLLLLL YEAH!!!!! All the way home feeling good and thinking about getting back into pickup. my mind is just on a totally different thing right now. I am all about how to get that paper, and build my own life and career. Once I get that part of my life into place, I can worry about pick-up, women, and the rest of the stuff I want to do in life. I NEED my independence! I NEED IT!!!!!!!!

I am not exactly sure if I should wait for her outside after next class next week, or just stop worrying about it and go about my day. I am leaning towards the second because I have been doing the former for far too long.

I feel there will be a part 2 soon. Stay tuned...

This is why you should NEVER listen to a woman's advice...

...on how to pick her up. most girls are stuuuuupid and clueless about what they want, and then they think they have any single clue on teaching guys on how to seduce them. This is why I will never listen to what a woman tells me about how a guy should act, and talk to her. BITCH PLEASE!!! This video is the perfect example of why. It is sad and depressing, and funny as shit at the same time. apologies if I already have posted this

A Woman Approached me Today

Today, Friday, 9/20/13, I had a woman approach me for the first time in my life. in the 33 years of living on this planet, I have NEVER had a woman approach me, EVER!

What basically happened was this. On my way to work I get off the train and start walking upstairs to get to the street level. This blonde girl runs up beside me on the stairs, turns to her right and asks me "Excuse me, could you point me towards the direction of Target?" Before she asked me anything I thought "holy shit, is this what pick up is like for women?" I was watching the girl's body language from my peripheral, and thought "this looks like me approaching women but..." and boom she did it to me. Now at this point when she asks me this, I am so shocked I did not know what to do. In fact, I started to get really nervous as she opened me, possibly because she was nervous herself. I was so taken aback I did not know what to do or say so I just pointed towards where Target was. I could've said "where you from" or "what's your name?" or "you're cute" and she was cute btw. But she just caught me off guard.

I am still in shock that a woman would have the balls to approach a man in the street like that. Thank god they exist. I thought that all women are just a bunch of passive or passive aggressive little scary creatures. I guess that there are some out there that go after what they want. Glad to know...

got a # from this FINE ASS Black Girl

so, every Saturday me a bunch of guys get together and approach women. I did around 10+ approaches today.

but anyway, I come out of Macy's looking for my wing. he is nowhere to be seen. I walk down the main street downtown, look to my right and DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. this black girl's ass was so curvy, i honestly thought she is from ATL. At first I made an excuse NOT to approach, of course. The excuse was "she is with her family". She was with her cousin and her mom I think. Her mom had a baby in a baby carriege she was pushing. So, after I stepped away I thought "fuck it! I am going for it".

I come up to her, and she stops for me after I said hi. I was like okay, cool. Then she is so receptive and talkative. Long story short, we talked for not even 5 minutes and I got her digits. the funniest thing is, she is only 19!!!!! she don't look like it, though. [Nick West]But Shawty is FINE AS HELLLLLL![/Nick West]. will call her tomorrow.