this Music feeds my Soul

the amount of suffering a certain tribe put German people through, who soon will become minority in their own land... is beyond some peoples' comprehension. once you see this truth, your life will never be the same. I don't know why, but that's all I keep thinking about when listening to this song.

why isn't there more masterpieces like this?




Paganism for life! I was always a pagan, but more of a mutt. I got my Goddess from Egypt. she's been with me for quiet some time. I think it's obvious who she is when looking at my blog... I really need more help, but I feel like I need to take action. She's waiting for me to do this. But it's so hard, especially when you're conditioned to be a certain way. anyway, this song is amazing. even if you don't care about what I just said. there needs to be more traditional music like this of all people. everyone should get in touch with their roots. and white people shouldn't be demonized because they're trying to do it, like everyone else.

my first Ayahuasca experience

I have been wanting to drink ayahuasca for years. but after seeing Metamorphosis, I didn't want to go near that brew with a 10 feet pole. It was hands down the scariest documentary I have ever seen. and believe me, I have seen them all. It was like watching the Exorcist happen in real life. that film completely made me abandon and forget this tea for over a year. I had so much fear just thinking about sipping a cup, it was like my 2012 doomsday scenario all over again.

The hardest part of the experience was the waiting time after singing up for the ceremony, and the counting down of days to the last minute of me drinking that first cup. It was as if time slowed down, and I was being tortured by my own ego with fear and paranoia. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and then being frightened to go back to sleep, thinking about how my first experience was going to be. The entire reason why I really wanted to do this, was because I needed healing. I felt like I needed to suck it up, and go through with it. Because if I didn't, I may be fucked up for the rest of my life. And my entire goal in life, is to grow as much as possible before I leave this place.

I drove quiet a bit to get to the location, and once there I was the scariest person in the room. There was only one other person at the circle who was drinking it for the first time-a lady a little older than me. Everyone else seemed calm, including the lady herself, and relaxed. I was talking about my fears and concerns with everyone I met. What really made me just a tiny bit less scared, was the fact that this wasn't a traditional Peruvian ceremony-which is done in the dark. it was a Brazilian circle instead, with lights on and constant singing. I am very sensitive and was really freaking out by all the crazy visuals I may have been experiencing. That was my biggest fear-going to hell and stuff like that.

1st Night

One guy was assigned to me to be my guide, just in case I get freaked out. And I was freaking out quiet a bit. I was actually quiet calm until it was time to drink the first cup. Then I was getting more and more scared. When it came time to actually drink it, I was frozen, scared like a little girl. I asked for half a cup, and even then it took me about 5 minutes to drink the entire thing, sipping little by little. The taste was bitter and unpleasant, but not as awful as all those people described when going to Peru. I didn't feel anything until I drank the 2nd cup an hour later. 30 mins into the 2nd cup, it really hit me. My first thoughts were "I will never do this again". I felt this sudden rush with ayahuasca going from my hands to my head, until I started to get really woozy and drunk.

I wanted to throw up right away, but it was really hard so could not. I started to moan while suffering. I laid down and started seeing a dark field, with green molecules everywhere with eyes closed. Got really scared of seeing freaky things, and opened eyes. I did not witness anything after that, as we were in a circle singing songs with bright lights on. It was impossible to have visualizations with bright lights, even with my eyes closed. Part of the reason was because I did not purge. The 3rd glass was only half full (not by choice), and I didn't feel much. Music at the end was too loud; impossible to sleep or relax.


2nd Night

The second night was way easier to experience ayahuasca, as I didn't have as much fear but was a little nervous. I realized that I was freaking out for no reason. My fear was of all the crazy stuff I thought would happen to me, but none of it ever did. I just did what my guide, who was absent this time around, told me-"whatever you experience, go through with it."

I was nervous and afraid a little, but drank my first cup without a problem straight away. About 30 minutes later, I could feel ayahuasca flow through my arms, body, and brain. A little further into the ceremony, I got drunk on this vine; it was hard to focus on singing or even seeing and reading the lyrics. I laid down & eventually left the room to get away from everybody and especially lights.

I vaguely saw patterns, but no memorable visualizations. I didn't want to purge at all this time, but cried a little while was in the room with everyone. I gotta say that on ayahuasca, time doesn't exist. At some point, I got lost in the inner world; was laying there for 40 minutes or so without realizing about my body. I was going back and forth like this, escaping into myself having no clue on where exactly I was upon coming back into my body. Just laying there on the couch, with pain and suffering escaping me with each breath I exhaled.

I received the biggest dose on my 3rd cup, and at some point my vision got blurry when I left the room to lay on the couch with dimmed lights. It was hard to see, so I closed my eyes and was just trying to have visuals. But they never came. Once ayahuasca gets into your blood stream, and into your brain, you get intoxicated, and it becomes really hard to focus. All you want to do is lay down.


Ayahuasca was definitely not what I expected. The best way I could describe it, is a warm blanket. It feels hard at times, but cozy in the end. I did not go very deep, but feel like I really needed this. I asked the brew to go easy on me, and it did. A month later, I felt like it cleansed my brain of all the chaos. I was feeling a little crazy at around the summer, like I was on the verge of going insane. Ayahuasca took that away from me completely. After this ceremony, I now understand why Shamans in the Amazon drink it in the dark. It's not because of how some may think that the Shamanic world is "dark" and "evil". But it's mostly because in complete darkness, you could go far more deeper into the experience, and into yourself. I just wish the people at this Brazilian ceremony explained some things to me, like to close your eyes and try to visualize and then hold onto your visualizations. Because if you don't, you won't have any, which was my case. It was as if you were on your own, unless you got assigned a helper like in my case. But it was good for my first time, and I am proud of myself for facing my biggest fears, doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Trippy Tunnels & Spirals

I'm gonna check these out after smoking some when I get home. Terrance McKenna was talking about these when he took 2 really strong hits of DMT, going through a tunnel, thinking that he died.

I feel like I am Alone again...

Here we go again...  somehow, someway... I make a friend. The friendship lasts a little bit, and then it happens... we get further and further until I am alone again. story of my life.

So it's about that tranny "friend" again. I don't even know where to start. But I'll start when we were in a hotel last. I told her that I will always love her, and she was real excited that night when I was dropping her home. She even told me "let's keep in touch! but if I don't answer texts that means I don't wanna look at my phone". Even called me the same night when I got home. I told her she could use me for rides since I love driving. So... she would call me frequently about helping her. It got so crazy that when I'd call her to say hi, she'd be shopping with her mom asking me to give her a ride back home. I didn't do it, but thought wow... she's abusing me. she stopped calling about this and maybe realized it or maybe... she found another guy to give her rides.

So not even a month ago I didn't hear from her for a while. And I thought 'let me not call her till she calls me'. And this was during the New Years Eve, and beyond. I literally had NO ONE to call, spend time with, and even talk to. I was going crazy, mentally I mean. No job at that time, no social interaction, and my mom was away on vacation. I was locked up in my house all day every day. A week goes by and I cave in, I call her... She of course was busy being out with her mom and her "friend" who bought them dinner. She said she'll call me back. When she called me the next day, she was very distant that day. Right then and there I realized that she doesn't care. And that's when I stopped caring.

I spend money on her, and I did it because I want to. Life is very different for transsexuals, and I really care about them for some reason. But it's like... she treats me like shit. I told her that I will buy the plane ticket for her mom to fly back to Mexico. She told me she'll do research and let me know details. I was like cool... so then she tells me when I was visiting her "my mom is leaving on the 20th". So, I'm thinking "oh, wow she must've bought a ticket". Then I texted her on the 18th asking about her mom's departure and she goes "my mom is ready. are you ready?" I thought "is she asking me to buy her a ticket this way?" I mean, she doesn't even have enough courtesy to CALL ME and ASK ME like a human being? She waits until I bring it up and then she indirectly indicates it. So, I am not even worth a phone call and you want me to pay for your shit? FUCK YOU!!! I don't know... am I wrong here? Am I over-exagerating? I texted her back "Am I ready for what?" Because honestly, I feel if you want my help you should ASK me, in person or on the phone. She read my message and never texted me since. Probably found another guy to buy her ticket.

And another thing I realized; she only calls me when she needs me. I haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks. Last time we hung out, was when I drove her to go shopping. We didn't end up going shopping so we hung out at her place. And this time... I am not calling her. I am tired of this. I told her before "why you treat me so bad?" and she didn't get it, and even told me "i treat my other male friends 10x worse". So, I guess us men are all replaceable species. We are so easily disposable, it's pathetic! I don't spend money on her, so she finds someone who will.

And she has other friends. One guy pays for everything for her. She calls him "my angel". He bought her a $4,000 bed, spent $8,000 on her buying her 2 purses, and some other shit, and is paying rent for her for the next 3 months because of her surgery. And god knows on what else he spends on her. Thinking about that makes me think. Who am I to her? I am not rich, I don't even have enough money to get my own place. Is money all she cares about? If yes, then I know where I stand.

Either way, I grew more distant from her. She has her brother, her best friend back in Mexico. her other Tranny friends on Facebook, other guys like me trying to call her either to fuck or to pay her for sex, and then... there is me. huh... I feel like I am one of the many, and she is the one. That's some bullshit. Why are men so fucking easy to replace in our society, and women are held on a fucking silver platter like trophies? You know it's funny, I always complain about women treating me badly, but she is a good example. She is a transsexual, which I am sure now she'll disagree since she has a pussy, but even then she treats me like a cash machine, or a yellow cab. If I have no more funds, or gas, she would pick up the phone, and call another cash machine, or dial another yellow cab that is available. And she could get it all for free. Fuck me. Fuck my life.

Just thinking about this... Last time she asked me to come over to hang out... was so that I could bring some weed, hahahahaha. So if I don't have money, rides to provide, or weed, there is absolutely no reason for her phone call. Lol... I don't know what else to do but laugh, but this is life of a beautiful woman, or transsexual in this case. Either way, men bend backwards just to be with her or around her. And one time, ONE TIME I was late, okay twice... and she tells me "you shouldn't have the barbie wait". But she made me wait almost every time we were going to hang out for 30+ minutes! That's okay right? She said "yeah, but I'm a woman. that's okay." I think I just gave up on her. I tried teaching her that that sort of thing is not right, but it feels like it's no use. She just...... doesn't..... care.... unless I have some money I guess.

I am gonna go smoke some herb. I need it. I been smoking lightly every day to build high tolerance. Don't have bad trips anymore. I still wanna do some DMT & Ayahuasca, but weed is all I got for now...

p.s. I just remembered that the last time we were smoking in my car and talking she told me "you get on my nerves sometimes". I said "I'm surprised you're still around. most people leave me cuz I get on their nerves." The same exact thing I was told to by my other friend I hung out with and blogged about. "you get on my nerves sometimes"... People won't even give me a chance to improve. I told her that I am an only child so I am still learning social skills 3x, but she just said "stop using it as an excuse". Guess it's true what they say... Some men are meant to walk a lonely road

is DMT the future?

so I been watching tons of movies on DMT and Ayahuasca and lately came across this article. it's about a guy like me with social phobia and social anxiety experiencing reality from a whole other dimension so to speak... I really think that in the future ayahuasca will be used to treat all humans of all of the insanity that dwells inside of each of our heads. each individual with its own fears and limits that he places on himself.

Like many people it seems, social anxiety struck me in my late teens; probably around 17. In the two years since then I have struggled heavily with connecting with others, been actively afraid of others, and as a result, avoided contact with others. 

I believe that to combat this malady, one must understand it fully. For me it revolved largely around a complete lack of self-confidence and hyper-sensitivity to criticism. I was constantly in fear of being criticised or mocked for various reasons (needless to say, this was completely in my mind, a delusion so to speak). I created an image of myself as a loser, and thus, became one. 

A few months ago something switched in my head. I attribute this to two interconnected experiences. The first was a consumption of the hallucinogenic, DMT (Dimethyltryptamine). Usually I would completely condone drug use. I have myself been reckless with recreational drugs and alcohol in the past, and I would not recommend it to anyone suffering from social anxiety. Cannabis especially seemed to worsen my chronic symptons. However, my experience with DMT was enlightening, to say the least. As I stated previously, it was almost like it triggered a switch in my head. 

In the past I had considered individuals purely as "others" and not as individuals. It would be interesting to know if anyone else groups other humans into one large category such as I did. DMT revealed to me the base form of life at an almost atomic level. Life is based on the "interaction of things", not matter how insignificant. This is fundamental. Thus, I began to consider others as people exactly like myself, with their flaws, faults and insecurities. Why should my insecuries be so special that I should disregard and avoid people as a result?

My DMT experience was combined, a few weeks later, with a solo trip to mainland Europe. In many ways, this exemplified what DMT had taught me. Solo travel taught me that my own problems are insignificant in the greater scheme of things and that obsessing over them is utterly pointless. I also met a lot of nice people and almost learnt all over again how to interact with people.

Since my return I have put myself out socially to absolute maximum. The Jim Carrey "Yes Man" is really great inspiration to someone suffering from social anxiety. Say yes, because why not? If you keep saying yes people will keep approaching you and inviting you to social events. Okay, it might be difficult to start and you might even consider it a disaster but it is still human interaction. The absolute worse thing to do is to pretend that being solitary is combating your illness. Whatever you may do or try to alleviate your symptoms the only real cure to this disorder is to be social. Nothing else will help in the long run. By being actively social for the first time in years I have rebuilt old, damaged friendships (damaged largely as a result of my seclusion and delusional attitude), began to enjoy a thriving social life, and even had my first sexual experience (which has rocketed my self-confidence so very much). I used to be almost scared of sexual relations, but it really is the most natural thing in the world, wonderfully fun, and I really hope I can build on that experience with other members of the opposite sex.

By no means am I saying that I am cured. There is still a long way to go. I may (god forbid) even lapse but I am intent not to let that happen. I have, for the first time in my life, grabbed life by the balls, so to speak. You must remember that enjoying life isn't a privilege for a select few. Anyone, and I mean anyone can have a fulfilling life. It is not shut off to you, you are shutting yourself off from it.

I just wanted to share this with you all, and I hope someone gets something out of it. 

Peace.

-Mysterious Dr D


http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/progress-in-battling-social-anxiety-573553/