Cluster Headache pt. 2

here we go again...

couldn't sleep from 12:30 till about 1:11am when i looked at the clock. i felt headache coming on... but it was mild 1, then 2... drank some water, but i felt it more in my sinus. then at 1:46am it hit me at 7.. then 8, and 9 and shit i wanted to die.

i think it's the food, though. i wanted to puke at certain times. i ate frozen burrito and something in it probably triggered it. i'll have to look at the wrapper tomorrow. lasted until 2:26am. 40 mins of hell. i really need to start eating healthier.

i jump started my MA again, and my sifu is still alive thank god, but i still eat like shit. i mean it isn't the worst. but i guess that's the price for not having a woman in my life. always eating whatever i could find or whatever doesn't look like poison (i dont eat junk food or any shit tier food).

anyway, i'll try to get some sleep. maybe take a sleeping pill. gotta wake up for work in 4 hours. fuck my life... these headaches drain all my energy

Cluster Headache

woke up at 5:47am with a Cluster Headache at about a 6 > drank some water > it kept going > in about 10 mins it went up to a 7. then it just kept rising and it hit like a 9 where I wanted to straight kms. lasted until 6:30am and then started coming down to 8, 7, 6, and eventually faded.

Huge Panic Attack

so yesterday after I trained my Kung Fu, I left and approached this girl outside. Afterwards, I felt this fear running through my body. And when I got home, I felt weak because I didn't eat for 7 hours. So, finally I ate my frozen burrito, thinking it will make me feel better. I still felt weak and like I was going to faint. my plans were to go out, drink 4 shots of vodka before I get to the club. And then talk to girls there while drunk. But I didn't go. I was worried that if I already feel like passing out, vodka may just do that.

Today I thought fuck it, no work tomorrow and I will go out tonight instead. It's Sunday so it would be slow, so no drinking. But I still feel weak like yesterday.

So  I am watching this funny ass movie, Dinner for Schmucks, because I thought I need to watch something funny when I feel shitty rather than browse toxic pol on the weekend. And I had this HUGE panic attack. This is why I stopped smoking weed, cuz i'd get these all the time. But now I am sober and I felt like kms. Called my tranny friend, literally the only one i have, and she calmed me down and told me to take the pill my doc subscribed to me. I ended up in ER last year cuz had a panic attack just like this. they told me it's from stress and nothing is wrong with me.

I feel better now, but still weak. I just feel like it's too heavy to be in this body with all my problems. And I am so lonely. it's too much sometimes to handle. I am also doing No Fap and on it for a while. Feel a lot better mentally and physically, but sometimes I need to release. But soon I'm going to Europe to do some self improvement for myself, and I hope it helps.

I haven't been blogging at all, because I guess I am just really private and stopped caring about my blog lately. So, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe not. it's kinda random, not like I used to post all the time. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm trying to improve myself in my love life and my social life, but it's so fucking hard. sometimes I just wanna get drunk and numb my feelings down, so that I don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and worthlessness. Because everywhere I go, all I see is couples everywhere. Feels like I'm disconnected from humanity and everything else in the universe.

Wheat Starch and Corn Starch trigger Cluster Headaches

So about a year ago, I found these Hi-Chew bites. I love Hi-Chews, and Mango flavor is my favorite. So, I bought 2 of these and ate them. Then without me being aware, I started having cluster headaches each time I ate these. Lasting for around 50 mins, it was really intense. I wanted to die it hurt so bad. Finally, one day after purchasing and eating these, I put 2 and 2 together and realized they were the cause of my headaches. The main ingredient that caused them was Wheat Starch

I am finally going through my closet cleaning all my crap, and throwing away stuff I never use. And I found this sitting there for me to research. So, I am finally blogging this out because I am really working hard cleaning my soul and all the clutter that it accumulated.

Is it something that I can prove, meaning Starch is the cause of my headaches? No. But it's the only ingredient that jumped out at me, when I was reading the ingredients list. Plus, I came across this article. So, apparently Starch also causes Migraine Headaches as well...

https://migraine.com/stories/wheat-will-trigger-a-migraine/

10/26/19 Edit

Corn Starch in Evol Organic frozen burrito

Again, going through my old stuff and finally got around to looking at the ingredients of this burrito that gave me a cluster headache. Lo and behold, it has Corn Starch! So, I'd say stay away from anything with starch in it to avoid cluster headaches or any headaches for that matter. I am no doctor but this is kind of a big coincidence

headache woke me

cluster headache woke me 50 mins ago at 2am. went up so severe to 8-9 that eventually my whole left sinus side was full. sometimes I wonder if headaches are caused due to so much energy of a person's soul it cant hold it within one body so it leaks out through headaches. just a thought not sure is based in reality. im just glad af its over, bit i still feel 2-3 scale remnants. this pain hurts so much omfg.. dun wish it on my worst enemy.

my first Ayahuasca experience

I have been wanting to drink ayahuasca for years. but after seeing Metamorphosis, I didn't want to go near that brew with a 10 feet pole. It was hands down the scariest documentary I have ever seen. and believe me, I have seen them all. It was like watching the Exorcist happen in real life. that film completely made me abandon and forget this tea for over a year. I had so much fear just thinking about sipping a cup, it was like my 2012 doomsday scenario all over again.

The hardest part of the experience was the waiting time after singing up for the ceremony, and the counting down of days to the last minute of me drinking that first cup. It was as if time slowed down, and I was being tortured by my own ego with fear and paranoia. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and then being frightened to go back to sleep, thinking about how my first experience was going to be. The entire reason why I really wanted to do this, was because I needed healing. I felt like I needed to suck it up, and go through with it. Because if I didn't, I may be fucked up for the rest of my life. And my entire goal in life, is to grow as much as possible before I leave this place.

I drove quiet a bit to get to the location, and once there I was the scariest person in the room. There was only one other person at the circle who was drinking it for the first time-a lady a little older than me. Everyone else seemed calm, including the lady herself, and relaxed. I was talking about my fears and concerns with everyone I met. What really made me just a tiny bit less scared, was the fact that this wasn't a traditional Peruvian ceremony-which is done in the dark. it was a Brazilian circle instead, with lights on and constant singing. I am very sensitive and was really freaking out by all the crazy visuals I may have been experiencing. That was my biggest fear-going to hell and stuff like that.

1st Night

One guy was assigned to me to be my guide, just in case I get freaked out. And I was freaking out quiet a bit. I was actually quiet calm until it was time to drink the first cup. Then I was getting more and more scared. When it came time to actually drink it, I was frozen, scared like a little girl. I asked for half a cup, and even then it took me about 5 minutes to drink the entire thing, sipping little by little. The taste was bitter and unpleasant, but not as awful as all those people described when going to Peru. I didn't feel anything until I drank the 2nd cup an hour later. 30 mins into the 2nd cup, it really hit me. My first thoughts were "I will never do this again". I felt this sudden rush with ayahuasca going from my hands to my head, until I started to get really woozy and drunk.

I wanted to throw up right away, but it was really hard so could not. I started to moan while suffering. I laid down and started seeing a dark field, with green molecules everywhere with eyes closed. Got really scared of seeing freaky things, and opened eyes. I did not witness anything after that, as we were in a circle singing songs with bright lights on. It was impossible to have visualizations with bright lights, even with my eyes closed. Part of the reason was because I did not purge. The 3rd glass was only half full (not by choice), and I didn't feel much. Music at the end was too loud; impossible to sleep or relax.


2nd Night

The second night was way easier to experience ayahuasca, as I didn't have as much fear but was a little nervous. I realized that I was freaking out for no reason. My fear was of all the crazy stuff I thought would happen to me, but none of it ever did. I just did what my guide, who was absent this time around, told me-"whatever you experience, go through with it."

I was nervous and afraid a little, but drank my first cup without a problem straight away. About 30 minutes later, I could feel ayahuasca flow through my arms, body, and brain. A little further into the ceremony, I got drunk on this vine; it was hard to focus on singing or even seeing and reading the lyrics. I laid down & eventually left the room to get away from everybody and especially lights.

I vaguely saw patterns, but no memorable visualizations. I didn't want to purge at all this time, but cried a little while was in the room with everyone. I gotta say that on ayahuasca, time doesn't exist. At some point, I got lost in the inner world; was laying there for 40 minutes or so without realizing about my body. I was going back and forth like this, escaping into myself having no clue on where exactly I was upon coming back into my body. Just laying there on the couch, with pain and suffering escaping me with each breath I exhaled.

I received the biggest dose on my 3rd cup, and at some point my vision got blurry when I left the room to lay on the couch with dimmed lights. It was hard to see, so I closed my eyes and was just trying to have visuals. But they never came. Once ayahuasca gets into your blood stream, and into your brain, you get intoxicated, and it becomes really hard to focus. All you want to do is lay down.


Ayahuasca was definitely not what I expected. The best way I could describe it, is a warm blanket. It feels hard at times, but cozy in the end. I did not go very deep, but feel like I really needed this. I asked the brew to go easy on me, and it did. A month later, I felt like it cleansed my brain of all the chaos. I was feeling a little crazy at around the summer, like I was on the verge of going insane. Ayahuasca took that away from me completely. After this ceremony, I now understand why Shamans in the Amazon drink it in the dark. It's not because of how some may think that the Shamanic world is "dark" and "evil". But it's mostly because in complete darkness, you could go far more deeper into the experience, and into yourself. I just wish the people at this Brazilian ceremony explained some things to me, like to close your eyes and try to visualize and then hold onto your visualizations. Because if you don't, you won't have any, which was my case. It was as if you were on your own, unless you got assigned a helper like in my case. But it was good for my first time, and I am proud of myself for facing my biggest fears, doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Inca Berries are the shit!

I love these things!! just discovered them since I am now on my own and gotta do my own shopping. LOVE IT! I feel good, more independent, more grounded every single day! Here is a pic. I polished it with my photoshop skills.

They are sour, which I LOVE LOVE LOVE! I am gonna do some more business here at the library, and then photoshop my friend's photos we took last week. Then I gotta do some shopping, cut my hair, and clean my bathroom. Man.. life has a meaning all of the sudden. It's like back when I was living on my own in LA, minus all the chaos and the life crisis I was going through. Gotta go...

Great music

just came across this by a coincidence. Downloaded the Wooden Sen'sey demo for my Wii U and on level 3 got stuck with my remote dying on me. Wow, this song is so great. I just let the game go listening to it. funny how such good music could be lost in some unknown video game. I don't even play video games, but this is the type of music that I miss. Where do I find something like this in the electronic world? most music just sucks!!

last week I ate Meat

so my lazy ass been meaning to blog about this, and I finally got around to do it.

I have been having sexual problems where I am completely impotent, and not care about sex whatsoever. The irony is, my incel ass can't get laid for shit, but at least I wanted to feel good I still have a sex drive. I tried many things like taking ginseng herb, drinking pomegranate juice, and eating figs, and nothing worked. So, I thought maybe it's because I haven't eaten meat for so long. Being a pesciterian and only eating fish every now and then could take its toll on you.

So, as I was hanging around my tranny friend on weekends I ate cheese because of her. She eats dairy products sometimes, and meat as well. Then about 2 weeks ago I said fuck it, let me experiment. I did the whole ritual of praying over the dead animal I was about to eat, apologizing for all the pain the humans have caused it, then consumed it like there was no tomorrow. I ate beef a total of 5 times. But my sex drives hasn't really improved. I mean, it did but only because I been practicing tantra by myself spanking my monkey without cumming for days at a time. It sort of builds up and it feels like it's the best nut ever that you never really bust. Sexually energy comes in waves. The high when you feel amazing and horny, and low when you don't even have any sort of pleasure doing the act. I guess that's how it works when you get old.

Either way, life goes on. I am stopping eating meat again. I really need to detox and get rid all the poison in my body and especially my mind. Eating meat is not my primary problem, even though it could be a part of it.