Wednesday, December 31, 2008


i couldn't sleep 2 nights ago at all. i meditated last night and barely fell asleep and had like 6 or 7 hours. from now on i'm gonna really try hard to meditate every night before i go to sleep.

i just bought this Angel Love. $2 baby! can't beat that. and it's perfect especially track 2 cuz its 20 mins long and has bells at start and end so i know when meditation starts and ends.. ahhh yeahhhh! meditation here i come!

all this stuff i'm trying to master with OBEs and other spiritual journeys i'm so interested in. the more a person have mastered meditation, the easier it is.

and insomnia is kicking my ass so hard. i have such an irregular pattern of going to bed. and when i go to bed i think about so much shit it's like an excuse for me to not sleep and just day dream at night.

i don't know if i can pull through cuz i always give up everything i ever start but i hope i keep up with this till death because this is the only thing i can take with me after i die. none of the money, sex, glamor or whatever the fuck most people are after will matter when death comes. and meditation could be the only thing that i can take with me and beyond.

done with night 2... going on night 3 tomorrow

Monday, December 29, 2008

I protect women from myself

i turn on the news and so much craziness is happening right now. all the violence in the Middle East. the fucking savages wouldn't rest until Israel is nuked 10 times. the world we live in is truly disgusting. and even though i really don't have it bad compared to all that i got something i wanna get off my chest.

long story short. girl at my internship likes me, she gives me signals, i never send signals back because sending out messages into the universe that reveals my feelings is THE SCARIEST SHIT FOR ME IN THIS WORLD! girl keeps approaching me and talking to me, i talk back. i dodge her and try not to appear there the last minute when we all leave. girl gets tired of all this bullshit and calls it quits.

the last part happened today if i'm not completely mistaken. 1) she wasn't there, 2) she wasn't at the info desk with me when she's scheduled to be there, 3) i saw her leave from a previous department she worked in and she probably transferred back and didn't even say hi when i wasn't looking.

but... despite all this depressing stuff... this is good. how? well, it was just my way of protecting her from me. i protect women from myself and why wouldn't i? i am 29, i live with my mama, i got no self esteem, no confidence, i never had a girl, i have a lot of hate and heavy emotional negative feelings towards women, i dont understand life, i don't understand women, i don't have any friends, i am lonely, i am socially awkward, i am scared of life, i am scared of people, i am a scary person. and there is a lot more. so when i ask myself "if i were a woman, would i want to be with someone like me?" and the answer is HELL NO! seriously speaking.. nobody would want a guy like me. i am a little boy stuck inside a man's body. and the older i get without experiencing anything in life, the more awkward it gets because when it comes time talking to people i have nothing to say. i mean i could've gotten with her and had sex but when? where? how? it's like i'm leading a woman into a blind path that i don't even know myself where it leads.

but it's over i hope. i feel sort of down but i guess i'm destined to sacrifice myself for other people. i push people away from me like this because deep down in my heart i feel that sooner or later when they find out the truth about me they'll leave me. so why not just do them a favor and save them the trouble? i am gonna do what they'd do eventually, and that is make them leave me before they leave me themselves.

right now though i kinda feel motivated to get my ass and look for a job. because i do believe living at home and not working is a big problem for somebody my age.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Spiritual Chants... this stuff is no joke

to the reply to paz i was always interested in Chinese astrology, philosophy, and religion. all the beliefs Chinese believe in i strongly believe in too and was always fascinated with that aspect of their culture (maybe Buddha is for me). i even took Kung Fu for a couple of years cuz i wanted to master myself but quit cuz i figured im wasting time since ill never be that tough stand-up guy i was so desperate to be long time ago. anyway as i bought that album off amazon it was some real powerful songs. i was high and stuff but they really put me in a trans. like i listen to it every day going to my internship and back and i feel so fucking relaxed its almost as if i sink into the music and forget about lots of stress and all this poison in every one of us that dwells in every city of America. so anyway, then i researched this guy and turns out he has a lot of CDs out. one CD named "Holy Harmony" i downloaded because i didn't wanna buy a CD that has one song played on it. literally it's one song with the same chant over and over but it sounds real beautiful. now when at first it freaked me out because i was high and it sounded kind of religious. but then i started to read on what the chant meant it just brings me closer to it like i wanna connect to it. the sample could be heard here...

The chant is... Yod, Hey, Shin, Vav and Hey

what it means

'Every time you see the phrase "The LORD" in all capital letters in the Bible, especially in the Hebrew Bible, The "Old Testament" (though we hate that term), it is referring to God's name, YHWH, Yahweh.' but if you add S in between it becomes YHSWH which stands for Yod (Y), Hey (H), Shin (S), Vav (W) and Hey (H), are the exact words chanted in the Holy Harmony video linked above. those same words is the name of the Son of God. and then i look at the CD reviews and everybody is saying some deep stuff about this chant and album but yet i dont know much about religion and not really a religious freak but believe in supernatural. and you know i totally believe that there is music that heals us and helps us and there is music of the devil that curses us and poisons us. and think many of that poison is contained in a big portion of hip hop. all the ignorance, racism, and sexist is fucking poison to the people who keep producing that and portray that image for something to hold onto (people who listen to it are fucked as well) when it's just a form of a tool to poison human beings, their bodies, mind and spirit.

and this guys' records really relax me and put me in a moment of peace. it's not like i wanna dance, kick someones ass, get depressed or cry or nothing like other songs may make me feel but i just feel real relaxed and stress free. but when i hear some drum music it makes me feel the millions of years of evolution and kinda makes me feel like im back in the tribal times. its like my spirit is soul traveling or something but i cant literally see it myself with my own eyes.

but anyway this chant "Yod, Hey, Shin, Vav and Hey" is talked about in this link

"In the beginning, mankind was created in the image of Yod Hey Vav Hey, .

Adam perfectly reflected God's nature and attributes. That is the proclamation of the book of Genesis. Through the fall, man stopped recognizing this, stopped properly reflecting YHWH's nature and attributes, and through sin and the fall, we became darkened creatures. We lost the ability to reflect God's Holy Name.

and was another part where it said how in Hebrew the words are spelled backwards and God's name is spelled Yod Hey Vav Hey. but if you flip it then it spelled Jesus if you add an s or something it was a bit confusing.

"This is a direct connection of YHSWH to YHWH. He [Jesus] is claiming God's name for His own. Yod Hey Shin Vav Hey is claiming Yod Hey Vav Hey's name as His own.
is claiming 's Name as His own!

is the words of Jesus flipped from vertical to perpendicular position. that little letter in the middle representing a heart and its meaning is the son of God and is the words for God.

it also says this..

' YHWH is the non-manifested, hidden, transcendent God. YHSWH is the visible, manifest, present God.

You could say that YHWH is potential and YHSWH is kinetic.

Hidden and revealed, spirit and flesh, transcendent and present. These two beings, God the Father, God the Son are united. And, they're united in the name.

It is clear that YHWH and YHSWH are one being united by the invisible spirit, who is also sent in the name of YHSWH.

and it goes even deeper when he gives a couple of examples. but to make a long story short. there are many chants in religion like Budha and many others, and if you keep chanting the same phrase over and over it will connect you to different kinds of spiritual worlds depending on the chant and what it means. and i'm really interested and fascinated with this stuff. this is why i never got into that OBE because it was western based. i don't like western based theories and philosophies on soul travel, they are very... um.... like you know... technical and biological or whatever. it doesn't even sound spiritual. i don't know. it just feels very dry to me and maybe i didn't get into it or got frustrated with all the instructions and no meaning behind them.

maybe i'll get into chanting i don't know. i'll just keep researching and buying some of this spiritual music and look up different chants. i already have 2 albums and want more. and i just got a $40 amazon gift card from my mom so i'm gonna try to get some more stuff for now.

Monday, December 22, 2008


I wanna go here

here is some of the info i found on sound...

Sound is among the most transformative and healing energies on the planet. It can relax us and make us calm, or move us to great heights of emotion. Sound can restore balance and harmony to our lives and make us healthy and well. Conversely, sound also has the ability to adversely affect us and bring our already stressed-out vibratory rates to new levels of imbalance and disharmony. Why and how? What is the difference in the sounds that make us healthy and those that distress us?

Sound can affect us on all levels - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Beneficial sounds for us are often sounds that we consider "sacred." These sounds seem to have the ability to charge and harmonize us. There are reasons for this.

Knowledge of sound as a therapeutic and transformative force is very old. The Ancient Mystery Schools of Greece, Rome, Egypt, Tibet, and India had great knowledge of sound as being the primary creative force in the universe. The ancients knew what the modern physicists now understand, that all is in a state of vibration. "The World is Sound!" these ancient mystics proclaimed, and indeed it seems to be so.

If we examine the basic tenants of many of the spiritual paths of the world, we find a commonality in them. They all share the belief that the world was created through sound.

and here they are talking about the experiments they done and how different shapes of invisible waves look like.

this is some crazy stuff, i dont know whether to believe in in and be an awe or say its just a marketing way to make money. i do hope its not the latter though..

A concept of disease, observed by the ancients, and now speculated by certain scientists such as Itzhak Bentov in his book Stalking The Wild Pendulum is that illness is an out of tune behavior of the body. When something becomes diseased, it frequency changes and it begins to vibrate differently than it once did. Through sound, it may be possible to apply harmonizing vibrations which will cause the body to become in tune again.

In a healthy body, every organ, bone, tissue, and other part is producing balanced frequencies that create a healthy harmonic of the entire body. A healthy body is like an orchestra playing a marvelous and natural symphony, the "Suite of the Self." But what happens if the third violin player from the end looses their sheet music? They begin to play the wrong notes in the wrong rhythm. The "Suite of the Self" begins to sour and this is what we call disease.

Continuing with this image, we find that traditional allopathic medicine would probably cut off the head of this violin player in order to alleviate the problem. But what would happen if we could somehow give this violin player back the sheet music? What if we could project the correct resonant frequency back into the imbalanced organ and allow it to vibrate to its normal healthy frequency again?

Sacred Sounds

Sacred sounds from different traditions can vary extremely in their use of frequencies. These traditions will often use very different tonal scales and rhythms than we are accustomed to here in the West and we may find these sounds extremely bizarre, out of tune, and quite disharmonious. That is, until we truly open our ears and our hearts to what is really going on. Remember that when Westerners first visited Africa, they reported that the Africans loved to sing and dance, but unfortunately the Africans were totally unmusical with no sense of rhythm. Nowadays, we may hear Hindu Ragas, Tibetan Chanting, or Balinese Gamelon music for the first time and feel very similar reactions perceiving these sounds as totally unmusical. However, once we get past this initial response, we may find that these sacred sounds have extremely transformational effects.

Dr. Alfred Tomatis, a French doctor, has spent many years researching the sacred sounds of the world. In particular, he has examined much sacred chanting, including Gregorian and Tibetan. Dr. Tomatis has found that many of the sacred sounds on the planet are rich in high frequency sounds, called harmonics or overtones. He believes that these sounds charge the cortex of the brain and stimulate health and wellness.

Harmonics, or overtones, are geometrically related sounds that occur whenever a natural sound is created. Harmonics are the sounds within all sounds, responsible for the tone color or "timbre" of an instrument and our voices. The mathematics of harmonics display universal principles corresponding to an underlying framework found in chemistry, astronomy, physics, botany, and the study of other sciences. Knowledge and understanding of these sounds seems to be quite ancient, dating back to at least Pythagoras if not before.

The use of harmonics as sacred sounds may be found in many Shamanic and mystical traditions, particularly Tibetan Buddhism and Mongolian Shamanism. Here the sacred sound practitioner developed the ability of creating multiple overtones or "Vocal Harmonics" and singing two or more notes simultaneously. These sounds were used by chanters as a means of invoking different deities and energy forces and for balancing the etheric centers called "chakras."

Listening to recordings of Tibetan Monks chanting in this "One Voice Chord" can itself be a transformational experience. The monks utilize a fundamental frequency that is so deep, it seems to be almost inhuman, like the growl of some wild animal. Coupled with this tone is a much higher voice which sounds like the voice of an angel singing in harmony. These two sounds come from the same being, a Tibetan Monk, and they are the result of sacred sound practices.

The creation of harmonics is based upon vowel sounds. The singing and elongation of these vowel sounds is found in most of the major chanting in the world, from Hindu and Tibetan mantras, To Sufi and Kaballistic practices. For example we have "Oooooommm" and "Aaaaameen," Aaaaallaaah," and "Yaaaah Waaaay." Through this form of "toning," extraordinary resonance of the physical body and the brain occurs. When the reciter of these sounds focuses an intention of becoming one with the sacred sound, the results are extraordinary.

i just bought this CD in mp3s... gonna listen to it after take a few hits. ahhhhhh...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Dark Night was horrible

just seen this boring ass movie. omggggggg it suuuxxxxxxxxxxxxx beyond belief. it took me 3 nights to watch it cuz i couldnt watch through the whole thing but i had to just to know how much it fully sucks.

they seriously need to stop making batman movies cuz they are worse and worse with every new one. the only thing that was good about it is the jokeman and the robbery part. it felt real fucking real. other then that the movie is a flop in my eyes.

so much violence and for what? they just instill this garbage culture into little kids to make them numb to all the chaos they showing them. fucking idiots. none of the new batman movies would ever ever EVER come close to the first 2 which are fucking CLASSIC!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I just destoyed the living shit ouf my keyboard!!!!!!!!!!

fucking old raggedy ass piece of non-working shit i destroyed it into little pieces so it will never see the light again. laying in my recycled bin all broken the fuck up.. FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU YA PIECE OF PILE OF SHIT!!!!! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY YA FUCKING BITCH!!!

oh man that felt good. i took a few hits and a couple of buttons fell out. then i really took a couple of hits then the fucking 10 or 15 of them fell the fuck out. this old ass computer man. my first pc i ever built and i guess its true that in the Universe you get what you pay for. old ass ghetto ass shit i paid about a g for it. bought a few cheap ass $6 fans and shit and one on top always be making noise like EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STFU!!!!!!!!!!!! i had to put a fucking paper clip in that bitch for it to SHUT THE FUKKKKK UP! man... i swear to GOD i will destroy... no.. i cant.. i need it.. its my baby. it really is. but that keyboard was asking for it.

funny my pc is old but its good but when i set all the settings on full in outlands on WoW omgggggg it lags like a slow ass piece of turtle shit. so bad i walk around and there are 20-30 sec freezes then the next thing i know BAM im dead. fucking shit i just lost it and i knew i could destroy that pile of piece of trifling shit cuz i just got a brand new one ordered by mail. its fucking beautiful. matches my mouse and my LCD screen. also matches my speakers all black.

ill never settle for cheap piece of shit computer parts. once i get my degree im investing a fucking megaton into a new pc believe that!!!

that felt really good.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

my Computer is my one and only Child

and probably will remain that way for the rest of my life. Without my PC im nothing. Without my PC i got nowhere to go, and no one to talk or connect to. It is real and as long as heart is pumping through my PC's electro veins i'm gonna be alright.

When i graduate and get my Bachelors i'm saving up and building my 2nd PC. I'm gonna get the latest speed, nice ram sticks, bad ass video card with an HDTV monitor. It's gonna be one bad ass power tank. I never really give a fuck about the future and what's in it because i know my life is a waste but when i think about computers that's when i want to live a little longer. I can't wait when it's 10 years from now and if i'm still alive i can't imagine how powerful computers will be. Hopefully they'll have some virtual reality so we can buy pornos and fuck the shit out of virtual bitches like there is no tomorrow. That would be great. No worries about pregnancies or getting AIDS/HIV/STDs. And i can't wait to play them virtual reality video games like we can be inside the game itself and everything would react to us like it's the real world. These are the only times when i actually care about the future.. my future at least because nothing else matters to me.

I just want to dedicate this post to a wise man who once said this quote right here...

"i remember when [my computer] gave out. i felt like somebody in my family died... shit fucked me up. i wanted to do surgery to this bitch to bring it back to life. this computer is my life. it saved me. it saves me. it will saves me."

realest shit i ever read..

Sunday, December 7, 2008

this is some serious message right here

just watched this episode of Boondocks and it was basically this guy supposedly Martin Luther King Jr. who is still alive is trying to get in the club/church/black america room. The intro is funny as hell cuz in this he was really Martin Luther King, and that white Jesus part roofllll real and heavy shit.. the speech is some serious stuff. I can see the real Martin saying this..

Friday, December 5, 2008

I got nowhere to go and nothing to do

So i just got out of my class that ended 30 mins after it started (thats 3 hours and 30 mins early) and after i walked out the classroom all i could think was "where do i go, and what do i do?" That's how it's been since high school. I remember when i first got into 9th grade in high school i'd be going through the same bullshit during lunch hours cuz i had no friends or anybody to hang out with. So every lunch break i'd just think to myself "where do i go?" So id just spend my lunch hours going to a cafeteria, eating there, and then just wandering around school alone. It was some depressing shit and it carried itself all the way to college. Seeing all these people around me living the "College life" makes me really envious like i wish i was them. I got nowhere to go and no people to see. It's like that before class, it's like that after class, and it's like that any time of any day. Same old bullshit program that's been running inside of me and i dont know how to change it. I mean like.. i seriously dont know where to go and what to do. Joining the black student union? forget that shit. i dont want it to be another youth center which is exactly what it was going to be. Everybody was there black and i was the only pale ass there all self-concious. Everybody looking at me like "who the fuck is this?" and i didn't know what to say most of the times so i was a mystery. Joining any other club? ehh.. not interested in anything else.

Waking up in the morning is some depressing shit too cuz i keep going to sleep wanting to get away from this shitty reality. That's why i always run to the bus stop every morning always late and shit. I'm a true loner. In fact, i am the loneliest loner possibly on this entire fucking college campus. And it's funny because i am not a nerd or anything, but just alone. So alone i dont even wanna bring anybody into my life cuz once i tell them the real truth about me they all leave and stay away from me. Any part of the truth i tell people about me that's personal they distance themselves so i don't say nothing to anyone. And people wondering why im so weird and quiet.

And funny how when i was seeing my last shrink i told him i'm gonna try to be closer with the 2 friends i have. One friend is really violent, and i dont feel safe around him. I was talking to him on the phone and had a difference of opinion so dude screamed at me and hung up 3 times after which i was like fuck him im not calling him back. And he still owes me a great deal of money which he said hed pay within months and it's been over a year. And this female friend i have it's like she dont give a fuck about me. I do everything for her but she dont do shit for me. I tried getting together with her cuz i wanted to see her place and she just said she needs to get her stuff together. I asked when is that and that's the last i heard of her. It's like a one way street. I helped her buy weed, paid for the movie tickets once, took her with me to get her a pipe, and she hasn't done shit for me. I mean she dont even pick up her phone or return messages. And it really confuses me cuz i havent seen her for the whole summer when she was in LA and when she came back she lost my #. So when i saw her in our school library i yelled out her name, and she got so excited came over and kept hugging me saying how much she missed me. It really felt genuine. But then after we took a bus home and i walked her to her new place she went inside and i was like... there she goes back inside her place hiding from everybody cuz everyone always trying to call her or contact her. I guess i'm just one of those people and she kinda want to be left alone. Funny she's exactly like me only i'm the opposite where no one ever calls me or tries to contact me.

Well, i got finals so i better go study. As fucked up and as lonely as my life is i gotta take care of myself and school is my #1 priority right now. I dont give a fuck about anything else even though deep inside i do. I just try not to think about it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i got a feeling David Alan Grier's show is gonna flop

every time i really like a comedian and want his new show to do well it just sucks until it's canceled. but ironically every time i dont like a show it just ends up becoming a hit (fuck Chappelle!) so i watch chocolate news tonight and it was ok, some of it was funny other parts were not.. stuff like this is cool

but then stuff like this is just retarded

seems like he's trying way too hard to be funny. this shit reminds me of my crime procedure teacher, and that dude is horrible. always trying to crack a joke and trying his hardest to get the laughs out of people. in living color was flawless because he didn't try to be funny he WAS funny. dang i really hope he stops doing this "im trying to be funny now and be real loud too so you can find me funnier!" and just be him. otherwise this show is gonna be another flop of a great comedian.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


...again. story of my fucking life.

i dont even try talking to women, but i got into a group of 2 with this chick from Check republic. we talked about class stuff-cultures. i shared her my experiences and she shared hers. i was like i like your eyes (she had cool make up that i never seen any girl wear) and then i was like "this is perfect, and nobody even is paying any attention to us cuz they all talking amongst themselves" so i was like hey how about you and me hang out sometimes... and she made that 'eee' expression with her mouth (like omg i hate to reject someone but im about to do it now) and was like 'i dont know... im really busy.' i was like im really busy too blah blah. and i was like how about we exchange #'s and she agreed but then focus just went back to class subject.

so i was like fuck that im not even gonna try to follow up w/ her after class. ill just let her go and leave her 100% alone. so yeah, i think she wasn't interested. i need to become more in tuned with peoples' body language so i can read people while talking to them cuz my intuition sucks.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

why are women so mean?

i mean why are so many of these bitches look down on people right to their face and get away with it? like just about 10 minutes ago im leaving my class all stressed out not knowing how i did on my test. so i get on the 3rd floor and as i turn i see this one skinny ass trick who looks like she's anorexic, and she automatically rolls her eyes. i was like wtfff? bitch do i even know you? i mean i haven't even "looked" at your bitch ass to a point where you could find it annoying, i just just happened to see you as i would see anybody turning right into the hallway. why are you so fucking mean you stank ass piece of shit ass bitch? shit!!!

see this is why i think rapes, beatings, and other violence towards women is necessary. it's not something i would condone but for every bitch like this there is a man who would beat the shit out of her and/or rape her. ying and yang in its purest form. and some of that violence changes these bitches for the better actually. it puts them in their place and brings them down to earth. just cuz you got pussy between your legs dont mean you gotta treat other human beings who have dicks like shit. dumb ass fucking slut you should be giving a beating for disrespecting strangers that you don't even know.

i guess that's why i never got in the habit of talking to women cuz since negative outweighs the positive or at least it's most rememberable. i get nothing but strange women i haven't even talked to treat me like shit non-verbally. i mean damn, no wonder there are men raping some of these hoes cuz they probably feel this way too. not only do these hoes not understand the struggle of men, but they diss us right to our face and want us to "go away." i will never beat nor rape a woman but like i said, it's ying and yang. the more women do this sort of thing, the more this anger builds up. and i may be one of the guys with morals who knows it's fucked up to do all that sort of violence towards females but guess what a lot of men aren't like me. this shit really makes me angry to the point of feeling like knocking a bitch out. i mean damn bitch wtf is wrong with you? why you treating me like i'm the scum of this earth when i haven't even tried talking or even staring at your skinny anorexic looking ass. just cuz you pretty you think you can treat me this bad and still have men kiss your ass. and i was just thinking too, is this a karma trigger? do women have bad karma come back to them by putting out so much negative energy towards strangers? i hope so cuz i'm sick of being treated like shit by women i haven't even spoken to.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

the Election...

is right around the corner.

im gonna go to city hall tomorrow and vote. btw, the piece of shit democrat i volunteered for had his people calling me till the last minute, even when i specifically said last time "stop calling me!" pathetic desperate loser, he been calling my cell and my home #. and last time was yesterday when my mom picked up and they tried to convince her.. again... when she said "i already voted and it wasn't for him" haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhahahahahaahhhaahhahaaaahhhaha now what bitch!???! i saw his ass at a bart station around 8am when i was going to my internship and he was there solo with his sign in his hand. i almost felt sorry for that loser haha

i haven't been following anything in hip hop lately and i already guarantee that 99% of the people in the public eye support obama and the rest of the sheep follow blindly. i'm not fooled though. i don't buy into this hype of "hope" and "change." fuck outta here... dude can't even tell me what his stand is on an issue cuz he doesn't wanna lose votes and is imo not a good leader..

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

my shrink just became history

so after my last semester's session ended i wasn't even gonna get therapy anymore until my mom's b/f found out about this other department. it's basically a bunch of students training to become shrinks and i said sure why not. then it turns out the guy is quiet when i started seeing him and makes me uncomfortable. he'd repeat the same shit over and over like "how did that make you feel" and fills in empty awkward silences with weird shit that he already said. i was like ok but then i was like i dont even need therapy. aint no way this guy can help me seems like im teaching him more then hes teaching me and i dont wanna use therapy as a crutch. so last time i was like ok dude i'm not feeling this and i dont think i need therapy he kept pressing it how he wanna help me to go through this and blah blah. i told him i got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and he cant help with with it, but only i can help myself. maybe meditation will help me but that takes years and i gotta stand on my own two feet and get settled with my life before i get therapy. so he was like ok im gonna research PTSD and see you next week.

so today he got me some info and i was like thanks. this was the last session, but he still told me he'll leave the spot open for me for the remainder of the semester and hopefully he'll see me next week.

i'm just gonna try to be more closer to the 2 friends i got cuz i barely call them or make plans with them. i really feel like that's the best therapy i can get as of now.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Joe Bidden

kinda funny too my black friend 100% agrees with me and not like it matters but i was real surprised cuz i thought he'd co-side with Obama because he knows a lot about politics and to me all of this is new. i was like what about those people in the black community where everybody is voting for the sole reason that Obama is black, wouldn't you say they are sheep? he was like 'they are worse then sheep cuz then if our first black president fucks up then he'll make black people in America look even worse and it's racist' and i agree with him. that's like black judges watching Olympics and picking a black runner based on his race and not on his skill. people don't even realize they doing that shit in this election, but that's exactly what they're doing. he told me how Joe Bidden is even more of a retard then Palin so i looked it up and found this.

what did he say about Obama before the VP pick?

and what did he say about McCain before the VP pick?


and i thought Palin was bad with her fundamentalist religious views and being part of some nut organization that tries to convert homosexuals. but now i'm beginning to believe Bidden is 10x worse as a VP. i can't imagine this Obama/Bidden combo with Obama being a puss and never taking a stand and Bidden talking shit about his own partner and even accepting his proposal when he clearly stated Obama has little experience and not ready for the big leagues. who will win? time will tell. but i was really i mean really thinking of switching sides cuz of Palin but now i'm starting to believe i was right all along.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Kimbo's loss

if you ask me the guy just got lucky. if they let him fight again Kimbo would destroy this dude. i think only a rematch would confirm it though..

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

this is why I DON'T TRUST ANYONE!

my mom's boyfriend is keeping tabs on me and he always tries to impress me. how does he do that? yesterday was my birthday and while i was eating with my fam he goes... "you must have ate moche ice cream because you had the munchies." i was like wtf? why does he always say shit like that??? he would say something that would lead me to wonder how does he know what he knows and why does he always try to impress me by implying that he knows it?

he obviously is going through my shit. i am not home half the time because i'm either in school, work, or at my internship. so he checks my drawers, tv stand (that just stands there with almost nothing on it or in it but i keep my self-made bong inside), and anything that i have in my room. so if i buy weed he checks my drawer and goes "hmmm, he just got some weed," if i threw away my old bong and made a new one he goes "hmmm, he just made a new bong... interesting." basically this guy is nothing more then a sneaky asshole who thinks he is impressing me and the more i find out about his dirty tricks the more i don't like him. funny thing is he wants me to like him and respect him when he goes behind my back looking through my drawers.

who knows maybe he even checks my computer files, e-mail, or even browser history and maybe he's here on my shit reading it! the only reason that just may not be the case is cuz hes not computer savvy and behind technology. but i dont give a rats ass im creating a password for my computer once i get home. i've had enough of this shit. i'm paranoid as it is now i gotta worry about making a blog entry of getting high then knowing that he probably already knows that i'm about to do it today. so if he wants to have his little power trip by threating to kick me out the house he can just read my blog and then come in to "surprise" me and impress me at the same time that he knows what i'm doing and when i'm doing it.

some family i have. i can't trust my own mother with information because she will most likely sell me out, and i can't trust my father-wannabe because he will go through all my shit then make a subliminal comment on how he knows me, acting like we're buddies and that supposedly i tell him shit i do in private when i don't. and he always does this btw. i remember one time coming from school and he looked outside the window seeing i was coming from the west part of the block and then he'd mention it at the dinner table indicating "i know what way you're coming from school because i'm smart and it's obvious."

he been making so many of these sort of comments that i been real paranoid staying in that house thinking he got psychics telling him my person stuff (and i wouldn't be surprised if he does btw cuz there is a high possibility he goes that far if he goes through all my shit not feeling guilty.) reason why i think he may have hired psychics is cuz i know he has a shrink he talks to, and he'd bring up random shit that would make me think "how does he know all this stuff about me when i don't tell him anything related to any of the things he brings up?" it's truly disgusting and i feel violated. not only do i not have any privacy other then staying in my room, my room itself has no privacy cuz he searches through every area i put my personal belongings in. shit really pisses me off but i'm not gonna be this naive ever again. cuz i always thought "he is a cool guy, he wouldn't do that." yet time and time again he proved me wrong, and yesterday he just confirmed it.

the only thing i don't understand is, how can a person with such fucked up beliefs and values wants to be a father of someone who is the complete opposite? if i was in his situation i would never go through my g/f's son's shit unless it was a matter of life or death. but that's where me and him are different. he was the one who told me to not lock my room when i leave 'in case of emergency or fire' yeah, no wonder. you going through all my personal belongings supposed to be some emergency huh?

and that is somebody who wants to hang out with me and teach me about life... in his world... yet he doesn't even understand me by what i mean "his" world and all he ever says is "it's 1 world and we all live in it." typical baby boomer mentality. and i would always wonder why he can never look me in my eyes for more then a few seconds. this right here could just be it. dang, maybe i was always destined to have such a fucked up and dysfunctional family in this lifetime. can't wait to get out of this shit hole.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's my birthday

and i'm doing the same shit i do every year-NOTHING!

nobody is calling me, nobody is e-mailing me, nobody even remembers that it's my birthday other then my mom and her b/f, and i just came from school tired as fuck. i got a burrito for my birthday cuz i asked and it was one hell of a burrito! also got a computer chair and it's the best pc chair i ever seen or sat in (and why wouldn't it be? i picked it!) probably the most meaningful gift i got from my mom, considering i'm always on my computer if i'm not doing my homework.

happy birthday to me, and shout out to trojanman. i hope you enjoy your playstation. oh yeah and i'm thinking of reviewing my book and my audio lecture and then blazing the fuck out for a few before i go to bed. it's my fucking day, might as well do what i want.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


I just caught a glimpse of Apocalypto and it was scary as fuck! it felt like the real tribal times people going back and forth killing each other and cutting the guts out of the stomachs. So i googled it and this came up..

this is interesting as fuck! i remember i used to go to a bible study cuz my Samoan friend i tried to get with ended up being my buddy at school when iD see her at work cuz she worked close by. one time walking home from school we saw each other and she was like you wanna come with me to this place? its where i chill at im like cool.. i kept walking with her to this house and it turned out to be a bible study right. but it turned out to be nothing but fundamentalists.. a bunch of Jesus freaks. so then there was this gay guy who was openly gay and had a boyfriend. so then these Jesus freaks had a bible night and im there right. and this dude Paul i think was the "Preacher" or whatever, the man in charge. so he was reading the passage from his Bible, and at some point came to the part... "and if you are a homosexual, you are going to Hell!" the gay guy got all emotional got up and rushed out the door. my Samoan friend went after him and shit was crazy. then his mom was like "he knows, he knows this but he refuses to acknowledge it! blah blah" i was like dang this dude is trapped in this shit nut house with a bunch of Jesus fundamentalist freaks. hes doomed until the day he moves out. i ran as far as possible from those freaks and same with this democrat politician guy, his guy keeps calling me and shit stalking me im like dude fuck off already!! so after 4 calls i call him back and like 'im real busy lately man, and blah blah blah and yeah i dont support Josh Fag anymore' and hung up. so the dude tried to call me again after that a few days ago im like dude leave me alone ya stalking ass bitch!!! i'm a little high but not too much just a little piece of weed i smoked through my bong. dang its good weed but i need to go to bed now cuz dont wanna stay up on saturday i gotta a monday 8am class gotta go to bed on sunday at least at 12 *crosses fingers i'll be able to do that this sunday*

oh yeah, and about the bible study right. there was this one fat guy and he was real cool. i dont know why but we got along and talked about some deep shit about spritual worlds and stuff (no homo! i know its gay as fuck and this phrase is retarded that wwaas made up probably by some real major fags but i just had to cuz its getting way too gay by the European society's standards.) and then we start talking about why you here and hes on that jesus shit. im like ok and then the convo went somewhere to how "if you get beat up just pray and God will help you." so im like dude you cant be serious if that happens you just take martial arts and thats the only way. so he was like "I knocked a guy out and put him a hospital for 2 weeks. i realized that what gave me that power to do that to another human being?" and i was like thats cool man but not everybody can do shit like that so they gotta take martial arts to get confidence, etc.. so he was like what is martial arts? what do they teach you there? i said something like "inner power" and he was like 'exactly! so i dont wanna mess with that at all. i dont worship idols like in Budha and all that type of stuff is EVIL!" i was like what about psychics? .... "EVIL!" i was like what about soul travel? "EVIL! all you gotta do is pray to God and he will help you." so i was like wtf!? blah blah blah.. blah blah blah blah?? so he went... "I don't care about this life here on earth. i care about what happens after wards" or something. so i went whoa..... same exact line from Autobiography of Malcolm X where he said something like... "The white man told the slaves not to worry about life here on earth, and that he will reward them in the afterlife." some shit like that. and i froze the fuck up like "this is crazy how much the European colonization has effected the society through all the rapes, tortures and the killings of the indigenous tribal people, the enslavement of the Africans, and the forcing their religion practices on the enslaved is still in full effect on the people of today (the fat guy was white btw, there was only one black person in that place-a black elderly woman that came every now and then. and i saw one black dude there he just came and went. never seen him again. sad shit on the fat guy's part and his failure to not get brainwashed.) shit is crazy as fuck and right before i left that paul or whatever the fuck his dumb ass name was said something like "and if you are not a Christian and dont accept Jesus as your savior, you are going to Hell!" and on other nights he would say shit like "can you imagine all those people who didn't accept Jesus?" and people would be shaking their heads like "omg! tragedy!!!!!" so he'd continue.. "they're lost" and shake his head.. after that 'if you not Christian you'll be chilling with Devil' part though i broke the fuck out!! oh man it was crazy. i tried to tell my Samoan friend all this shit of how they enforced religion and all that shit but she wouldn't listen. she still kept going but i dont know what happened after that maybe she stopped im not sure cuz she never told me nothing. we were friends for a while but then her celly got disconnected and thats the last i heard from that girl. she was a cool ass girl though she was big boned and fine.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I got the greatest job in the world but...

it got as much bad as it has its good. i work on campus driving a kart, and it is by far the greatest job i ever had. i get paid to drive! omg, its heaven!! i love driving and even though im quiet and don't talk to too many people i give rides to, i get some joy out of it. so this is the first job i actually get some joy out of, but some people at the office already labeled me a weirdo.

i been working there for a while and basically once people saw how im to myself and quiet, they keep their distance. it's the same "happy" people who always have a nice and fun life. they find other people who are happy, always smile, feel good inside, know what to say, how to joke, and tease others, and become friends with them. now when i come in im on that social awkward shit where i don't even get some of their sarcasm or their teases and take everything literally. other times i just don't know what to say or barely smile cuz i got nothing to smile about so i'm labeled a weirdo.

so the same people who been keeping their distance i just mirror their response and ignore them. they dont acknowledge my presence i do the same shit back. to some of them i dont even say hi to cuz im sick and tired of being treated like shit cuz i grew up different. its funny though cuz some of them already trying to be nice to me cuz they feel guilty or whatever but i dont give a fuck. i've always considered myself a cool guy, i'm cool with everybody but i guess the way i act is abnormal to society's standards so i'm never considered part of the "in" crowd and always on the sidelines somewhere. this is why after i joined the black student union i didn't feel like going there. it would've been the same shit there as it is anywhere i go, only about 100 times more awkward since im white, everybody there is black, and i don't know anybody. i bring that negative, pessimistic, and socially awkward atmosphere everywhere i go. i can't help it cuz it's part of who i am, and i'm not even stressing about it anymore like i used to. my #1 goal is to focus on school and getting my ass outta my mama's house. that's it. fuck those people at my job who think im weird, fuck whoever bases their negative opinion about me without even talking to me and finding out anything about me. i dont give a rats ass as long as i can get an education and get my own money so i can support myself. nothing else matters to me at this point.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Entertainer sonning the shit outta Hoopz

i really hate that bitch. shes a phony ass bitch like she was down with flav she probably thought he was ugly the whole time spending in that house. fake ass phony ass slut got sonned. and entertainer is funny as hell. i really feel his pain talking about living with his parents. shit is straight up hell and im 28 too dang, will be 29 in like 2 weeks. good thing i wasnt on the show for the exposure though..

and new york is another dumb ass bitch

Friday, September 12, 2008

oh shit, i found it!

what video was this???

if anybody reading this i need help. i just saw this video on bet's blast and i dont know the name of it cuz im high as fuck i forgot to look!!!

a few brothers are at a black college dressed in some fraternity gear, and one of them is singing. before he starts the hook keeps going like "dont you say no... dont you say no... etc.." i think he was asking her to marry him and he was saying how "dont you reject me" or "your rejection something" i forgot

what song is this???????????

Monday, September 8, 2008

i got an 8am monday class and im still staying up

shit i just can't stop going to bed late. i thought i was gonna switch up and clear up my act with going to bed late but i was wrong. sunday come and i was just getting blown and staying up again. went to bed at 2:20 when i had to wake up at 6:30.

i think people like me are missing love, cuz i don't know what else it could be. why else would i be staying up trying to fill in that empty feeling inside? it's fucked up because my mom is trying to provide "love" but she does it in all the wrong ways.

LL Cool J said it best and he was right all along. all these thugs fronting like they dont want love in their life are playing themselves. i dont know where to get it or how to get it, thats the thing. shit is hard for a loner. most people just don't know...

Sunday, September 7, 2008

nose bleed and testing that ganja

i was testing that reefer i bought yesterday and it's some strong shit. its mostly sativa cuz i wanted to get a mind high. it will probably last me for a good 6 months or maybe a year. plus i got some left of 1/4th that i bought on July 10th. dang i smoke slow!!

and i woke up at like 5 am with my nose bleeding like crazy. i thought i may die cuz it wouldn't stop even when i put a whole bunch of bathroom tissues in it. it kept bleeding for a good 15 minutes.

deleted my Myspace and bought some ganja

just deleted that garbage ass myspace of mine with nothing on it, and only friends dissipating from it. and bought my first quarter (1/4) dang that shit is big!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Rudy Giuliani sonned the living shit out of Obama!!!

first part of it is Giuliani talking about McCain's experience in Vietnam as PoW. but then at about 5:40 the sonning starts

Part 2

Part 3 - this is what i was talking about when Obama tries to co-side both sides. he just wants votes. how can anybody trust him when he doesn't even co-side with Georgia, a small democratic country under attack? here it is... the "Ether" as you faggots call it in the Spot:

after listening to Palin's speech at the RNC i have gained so much respect for her. she got so many kids and yet her 19 year old son is gonna be going to Iraq soon to fight in this war. WoW! while most politicians are so focused on keeping their kids safe and preventing them from making their own life decisions she's like "if that's what you want, to go to Iraq and fight for your country, then that's your choice."

then i was watching an hour special on Obama on Glen Beck today and it was some heavy stuff. there was this guy David Freddoso on the show who wrote a book about Obama, and a few other people. there is so many fucked up things about Obama's background that most people don't even know because the media loves him, it is truly some scary shit. they mentioned Obama's friends like Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, and how Obama's was not fighting any corruption in Chicago but endorsing some people who were behind it or some shit, i dont remember exactly. but dang, seems like there is just way too many things about this dude to grasp right now. he has no experience in leading anything, and his campaign is all hype. now i admit, most of the things these guys were talking about i didn't understand because it was real deep politics. but they were saying that all these "ill cut 95% of taxes" talks Obama gives and everything else he says is just ridiculous and people must be stupid to believe such things because if he becomes elected it isn't any way possible to do all that fairy tale bullshit he been saying.

so yeah, im gonna leave it at that. the media loves Obama and excludes anything and everything that has negative attached to his name. but then i'll just have to educate myself and find out what's really going on with this guy and McCain, but so far i'm leaning towards McCain, no contest! democrat, republican, we need a leader! not some rookie who needs a week to make the right decision with the help of 20 other politicians to guide him through the process.

and on another hand. i took down that piece of shit Democrat's (the one whose campaign i was volunteering for) sign off the living room window and now use it as my doormat. it feels nice to put my feet on every time i wake up. that is the only place it belongs and i'll make sure to vote for somebody else when November comes. and he had already the guy call me yesterday asking me to call back. haaaaa!! yeah the fuck right. find another sucker to do your dirty work while you exclude him from everything fun and treat him like a slave.

so I passed up free Pussy... again!

today there was this Chinese chick on the bus stop all throwing her hair left and right and to the side... o...m...g!!! i was like fuck!! what do i say and how do i say it? and most of all, all i could think was "i'm 28 and still live with my mama. what if she lives with her family?" i wanted to fuck her so bad and i knew she wanted me just as bad. she was 30ish and i had a boner, and i didn't know where to take it. should i have started talking to her all the way to the Bart station? and then get on Bart, sit next to her, give her compliments and then get her # when she got off? or should i have straight away gave her a compliment or just asked if she wanted to go get a cup of coffee? dang, im just wondering if it's gonna be the same thing when i move out on my own and finally have my own shit, my own car, crib, and life together. will i still make excuses or man the fuck up and talk my way through these reluctant feelings?

and one thing i don't understand is, are girls like her whores??? do they do this shit to every guy they attracted to? or is she just into white guys? and A LOT of Asian chicks are. it's fucked because i have no experience and not even one soul to talk to about this.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

and fuck that piece of shit Democrat politician i was volunterring for!

so as i mentioned i was volunteering for this guy who is running for the district i live in. so i went out to pass fliers, and collect signatures. after he got an office set up i came in to go out knock on peoples' doors, and then came in the office to do phone banking or whatever the fuck it's called. and this idiot was straight cock blocking me!!

there was this one girl that liked me there and i was just chit chatting with her about nothing. and this piece of shit politician was looking at me all serious (while im talking to her) and wouldnt look away. im like why is he straight staring at me while im talking to her, acting like hes part of our conversation when hes not? fucking dumb ass cock blocking piece of shit! how you gonna cock block somebody who helps your stupid ass campaign? you should be kissing my feet and ass you punk ass bitch! then he has people calling me cuz he needs more help. get real! and the only reason why i came there again for phone banking was cuz the guy who calls for help has been really cool with me. dude treats me with respect and even gave me a ride home one time. thats the only reason why i went there. but i'll play his game. ill leave his poster in my mom's living room window, and make him think im still contributing. but next time somebody calls ill be like sorry dude im busy. punk ass cock blocking ungrateful piece of shit ass bitch. die a slow death and ill make sure ill vote for the other candidate when the elections come in november. i dont even know you or what you saying you gonna do. stupid ass.

and another thing that was pissing me off is that i never got an invitation to any of his parties untill the last time i came in there all pissed to do phone banking not even looking at that piece of shit in the eye. then the next day i get an e-mail to some party. fuck you and your party bitch! i was there 2 weeks prior to that and his friend guy was talking to a girl that came in to volunteer about the parties they be putting together. and i was sitting there thinking.. 'shit! why dont i ever get invited and most of all i never even hear about these house parties? wtf!!!' and one time i was talking to him i was asking him about the pics they got on the windows and he was all saying how they all smiling in the pics (when they werent) subliminally implying that i need to smile more. i was just like dang wtf?! so yeah, that's how some people are i guess. they see somebody like me and they label me a future serial killer or whatever the fuck they think, and exclude me from everything. yet when they need something they're the first ones to call me for help. "help me with this, and help me with that" FUCK YOU BITCH! from now on im busy doing my own shit. fuck you and your campaign!

the Republican convention

so i peeped it last night and it was even scarier then the Democratic convention. it looked like a bunch of red necks piled up toghether in the same place. never seen so many red neck looking politicians in my life! dang.. didn't know so many republicans look like that, but now i know. i just wish i could've watched it for a little longer but i had to go to bed cuz i had an 8am class this morning.

and my teacher is pissing me off. he got these topics that he calls the students on, and if you don't know it too bad. i was sitting there all scared and shit cuz im like "i only know what one of those terms mean and it was due process." why do teachers do that shit? why do they feel the need to embarrass their students? i dont get that at all. i feel like im one of the most uneducated, most uninformed people who wouldn't even know the basic terms in the CJ system. so why would you want to embarrass me by having me say "i dont know what that means". shit.. leave me alone you dumb cunt why you feel the need to call on random people when they just beginning to learn the basics and half the class are already on that advanced shit? makes me feel so small like im a baby just learning to walk. every person he called on knew the answer but me. thank God my name wasn't called cuz people in the class probably would be like 'wtf is this idiot doing in a class like this?' i kept his class cuz it's interesting but this is the thing i hate about it.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

I don't trust Obama

one thing that really pisses me off about this upcoming election is how people buy into this whole Obama hype. and that's all it is, hype. people nowadays will vote for anybody who either looks like them them or says what they wanna hear. like Obama for example. when i listen to him talk, he sounds so inexperienced, so new, and naive. when i listen to him talk all i can think is "is this guy really ready to be our next president? does he even realize how much of a responsibility it is to have such a title?" and i really dont think he does. just listen to this shit

people will support Obama for the dumbest reasons. people will support him because he's black and they're black, they will support him because "he's a black man and i like black people, therefore i'm voting for a black person!" or it could be that "i'm black and we never had a black president, therefore we need a brother in the office," or that because he's a democrat and they only support democrats. forget about how much difference he can or can't make, or anything else that could be crucial, theyll vote for the reasons that have nothing to do with anything other then the title or the race or the empty words that he spews that were written by some professional guy who knows how to write manipulating speeches. it makes me sad seeing all this hype and people who buy into it. even reading trojanma's blog, somebody who doesnt necessarily know that much about politics, and seeing him blindly supporting Obama and hating on Mccain makes me confused. are people that gullible? and the sad truth is yes they are.

Obama is like any other guy that came before him, he aint special. he has people training him how to speak, what to say, and how to say it. he has vocal couches, and public speaking couches. when i was seeing that Obama/Mccain talk (when Obama went first and then Mccain came out, and shook Obama's hand), Obama wouldn't even give a direct answer to most of the questions because he was afraid to lose votes. he didn't wanna co-side with this group and he didn't wanna co-side with that group, so in the end he wins because both groups will say "wow, what a great guy! im gonna vote for him!" you may fool all these other people, but you not fooling me. what a bunch of horse shit. This is why if i vote, which i most likely won't because i myself just got into watching news and following politics this summer, i will vote for Mccain. and i don't care if he's a conservative. to me that has nothing to do with anything. when i heard him talk, he really understands and knows about so many problems of the world instead of trying to sound like he's some know-it-all and "im gonna make a difference and be the superman that this country needs" brainwashing speeches like Obama gives. seriously, do people really believe Obama when he says shit like hes gonna cut 95% of taxes? or that hes gonna do this and that and the other? i'm willing to bet he's not the first to be speaking all these fairy tales like he's gonna save this nation. i don't trust you or Mccain but at least Mccain has experience. dude been PoW and really sounds like he can lead a nation.

and it really makes me mad that most black people will vote for whoever is black only because he's black. and if a black person really looks into it and votes for who he thinks is the best choice for our president, and if that person happens to be white who is running against somebody black, then the black community will tear that brother apart. and i'm willing to bet that most sheep in the hip hop community will go out and vote for Obama not knowing a thing about politics just because they wanna support the underdog, or they don't wanna look uneducated and uninformed. it's sad and reminds me of the same brainwashed women who do nothing but support women rights and were the first in line to support Hillary based on the fact that she's a woman.

even at this campaign i been volunteering at. the guy is a democrat and he supports Obama. i have not heard 1 good reason why he supports him. and why should i trust these politicians whether they are republicans or democrats? in the end they fuck us over like anybody else, and spend out tax money on the things they never said theyd spend our money on. people really need to wake up, and educate themselves before they start voting and start having real opinions on who they really wanna support. cuz i'm starting to realize most people are clueless and blindly vote because of their family, friends, or community influences.

i do respect Obama after i saw how many things he have accomplished though. i just think he is not anywhere near ready to lead the world's most powerful nation. a guy who is so against war is not somebody who we need right now when tomorrow we would have to go to war and this guy turns soft and lets another nation attack us first. war sucks but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do if you don't wanna crumble as a nation. and that Kerry speech at the Democrat convention was some scary shit. i was watching it and another tv was on in another room. and i swear i felt like its the devil himself talking to the people trying to hypnotize them.

when November comes, i may not be voting altogether, but if i do vote it will not be for Obama i know that much.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

thoughts of hurting others and calling people names

i've been dealing with these thoughts ever since high school. i remember back when we first came here, me, my uncle, my grandma and my step grandpa (RIP to both) were all staying together in a 2 bedroom apartment. my uncle would stay in the living room, grandparents had their own room, and i stayed in the room with my mom (it was a shit hole beyond anything imaginable.) but anyway, when i would walk past my uncle i had thoughts of hurting him. i believe part of it was because i always had very little to no interactions outside of my house. i was always missing the social interactions that most people have on a day to day basis. now i had 1 friend that i always talked to on the phone but he eventually turned out to be a user after he got a new set of friends. and he was just treating me like i'm some accessory he can take and use, and then when he's finished put it back away. so after i didn't wanna be friends with him no more i had no one.

then i remember my mom got me a shrink cuz one time i was so sick (fever), it felt like i was gonna die and i told her it would be good if i died right there. because my life was never shit, and i felt like it would be great if it ended cuz i had nothing and nobody to even talk to. and after i was seeing the shrink she put me on Prozac.

back then i would play b-ball by myself sometimes on the playground not too far away from my house. and this was after i graduated high school and i spent 1 year staying inside my room doing nothing but going to AOL chatrooms and meeting strangers cuz that was my only output with the world. so one time when i was on the playground playing b-ball by myself, there were about 6 black guys playing each other. 2 of them got into a fight and after the dude lost he just wouldnt accept his loss and kept trying to fight the other one. one light skinned guy was like "dude, you lost! you lost! let it go!" but he wouldn't. so anyway, when i was there i kept hearing the word "nigger." nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.. over and over again. i think that partially it was the withdrawal from Prozac because when i'd stop taking the pills i would have weird mental stages like im high on drugs and it feels like im about to spaz out on somebody or scream something out that i dont wanna say. and i think it was also my isolation that got me to that stage. so when i was on the court with black guys i just couldnt shut that voice off. and it's funny because once you experience this stage of hearing voices, it will be the voices that you DO NOT want to say, and that you WILL NEVER say because you're not that type of person to be saying it in the first place. it felt like i had to struggle to keep myself from saying it out loud. i was so scared that i was gonna say it and luckily i didn't.

i have always been drawn to the African American culture, and i've always looked up to these thugs and gang bangers because they know how to live and shit. now of course it's a stupid place to look for roll models but any male who dont got no one will look for them anywhere. so it was like.. of all the people on earth, why the fuck would i be the one saying some racist shit i don't even feel in my heart. and when i heard the Kramer tape, i didn't react to it the same way most people have. a lot of black people probably wanted to hang that dude by the neck. but i was just like whoa... this could be the stage that i've experienced. only this guy has actually went through it and said what he would himself never say. and that saying that goes something like "inactive mind is the devil's tool." that is the realest shit i ever heard. i never read books, never watched news, never knew or try to know what's going on outside of my life. so that combination of isolation and loneliness was slowly driving my mind insane.

but nowadays, i don't have much thoughts of hurting people (i do, but it's mostly fantasies opposed to thoughts i don't wanna have) but i still have the racist thoughts coming in and out. like i got off the bus today, and there was a black elderly couple. and the first word that popped in my head was "nigger." and i'm like wtf!!! i don't wanna say it but it just pops up. i don't know how to stop this poison and i also don't want it to get worse. like i don't want to hear voices telling me to do shit, and i've heard of cases with people like that following whatever the fuck they heard a voice tells them to do. it's some scary shit, but it is real.

so yeah, i hope this semester is gonna keep me busy with work and i'll read more to keep my mind occupied. i just wish i had some circle of friends to hang out with. but one thing for sure though-no more weed! i been smoking almost every day for the last 1 to 2 weeks cuz i knew it was my last days of freedom (had to hide it and shit cuz my folks found out so i had to smoke at night when they sleeping blowing the smoke out of my window.) but from now on i'll do it maybe once or week or even a month. i did my fingerprints today for my internship and i don't even know maybe they'll have drug tests then i'll have to quit for sure. and on top of that my license expire next month so i'll just go buy a shit load of ganja and keep it just in case i get really depressed. that's it for now.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

one more

didnt even like this the first time i heard it.

new music

the more i listen to hip-hop, the less i care about the lyrics. that's why i'm beginning to like instrumentals more then i like the songs themselves..

but i love this song! them futuristic, modern, techno beats are the shit!!!!!! this is the type of music that makes me wanna get up and dance my ass off. and i rarely feel that way. listening to this makes me see how much some people really love to dance. maybe they feel that way about every song they like..

i wonder which hoods they were showing in this video..


Thursday, August 21, 2008

i may move to China

today i had to work and there was a new guy. he is from China and told me about the culture there. he said the rent there is mad cheap and racism is almost non-existent. so if i make $1500 a month i can get a great 1 bedroom for around 100 and everything is open almost 24/7.

i may get a job there after i'm done with my internship, and move there. i know this sounds crazy but maybe this is exactly what i need-to get away from everybody and everything. also, he said that unlike here in America, in China they love foreigners. so i'll be living like a king who is treated like a movie star. it's definitely something to think about and i got almost a whole year ahead of me. who knows maybe this will be not such a bad idea after all. he was mainly talking about Beijing, but if i decide to go i'd wanna go to Hong Kong.

craigslist woman

this shit is funny. i dont know why i find it funny but i do.



Single attractive employed black female seeks to start a relationship with a single attractive white male. I am a NON SMOKER and you must be the same. Not interested in those who are merely trying to satisfy some fantasy. I am turned off by tattoos and body piercings and those who live off others and still live with parents or have roommates. I do travel and love the outdoors. I enjoy jazz and blues but will listen to most music expect heavy metal and rap. I like professional sports football, basketball, golf, hockey etc............I am a social drinker and a non drug user. I would like to meet someone between the ages of 40 and 50 only. IMPORTANT NOTE: IF YOU ARE RESPONDING PLEASE PROVIDE A PHOTO FIRST by the way.................I do have two cats


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Internship Process

today i had an appointment at 10am to do the process for my internship. these guys are official! there is a court room in the building that they use from time to time, judges, lawyers, the whole 9. omg i didn't even realize it was this serious until i went there today. i am so excited about this internship and school starts next week! i better get my shit together before monday. i got room to organize, old files to go through and a bunch of other stuff to do.

and i haven't cut my hair for the entire summer! i look like Al Pacino in Serpico. I better do that this week too.

Monday, August 18, 2008

i feel like i just swallowed a spider

i dont know why i felt that way for the last 2 hours ever since it felt like something fell from my throat and i swallowed it.

maybe it's cuz im high but i was real freaked out ealier. felt like i swallowed some alien or some shit and it's eating itself through my organs.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

World of Warcraft Music

i had to record this right here. Blizzard is classic when it comes to games quality and this right here proves it.

this is some tribal shit right here. makes me feel like im still a mammal that lives in the cave like back in the old cave times and shit. like the Shamans practicing spiritual rituals or something. this right here spiritual, and i wish i could be more connected to it somehow.

Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away - pt. III

my uncle came to visit me today cuz he wanted my mom and a friend to come to the cemetery for my grandma. because she kept showing up in his dreams and he wouldnt visit her before she died so he felt guilty. but anyway he showed up and i showed him all the pics of our neighborhood. that was the 2nd house he grew up in until he moved out after graduating college i think. he told me a lot shit about our neighborhood and i want to write it down.

this right here was our storages. each family in our apartment building had 1 storage. so when my uncle was a kid he'd climb up on the roof of the storages and go inside the school building that had a whole bunch of supplies like wood and stuff. he'd steal whatever he needed and climb back out on the weekend. he said that they moved in our house back in 1957 (will edit after confirm with my mom.) when he was around 10, he'd go out hanging out with his friends all day until like 11pm. and one time his mom, my grandma (R.I.P.) was waiting for him at the door when he came home late and was all screaming and yelling. then took the radio he put together himself, and threw it at him.

across the street from our building there was a house that Greeks lived in. one time a little girl from that house went missing. and later on somebody found her dead in this park not too far away called "The Botanic Garden" (will confirm with my mom about the name.) they found her raped and stabbed about 20 times, so ever since then all the kids' moms wouldn't let their children out on the street. and my uncle told me they were all scared to go anywhere, especially near that house, because they thought it could be them next. but after a few days everything went back to normal. and when i was living there, i remember one time we had a cannibal that ate some woman in an elevator on another side of the city. the police were looking for him, and we were all shook going out at night. i was even scared to cross the street when visiting my dad after dark. i'd sneak in slowly to our gate, and then when there were no cars on the street i'd cross as fast as i could.

another thing he told me was that we had this neighbor that had cats. dude would have so many cats that whenever he'd feed them in his storage, there were like 20 cats all over mewawing. it was crazy, and also he said that at night cats would make noise, they would have sex and cry like babies do. and i personally remember this. we were so tired of cats making noise at night that when i had a dog, one time he wouldn't come home and ran outside chasing and barking at the cats so the neighbors got even more pissed. but anyway when my uncle was growing up he said that they'd complain to the government about the problem with cats but no one gave a fuck. so him and his friends would throw big rocks at cats whenever seeing them trying to kill them. then at the end that old man took all the cats to some animal control shelter or whatever it was called back there, put them all to sleep and made hats out of them.

and it's funny because i asked him if he remembers Uzbeks coming around trying to mess with young guys in our building, he said he doesn't remember that. and that it was "probably" like that when i was growing up there. i guess when the government converted the school we stayed next to, things changed for the worst. i still feel like i live there sometimes because no matter where i go, at some point i wanna go somewhere new and forget everything and everybody from the past. it's like i wanna start my life fresh but when i go somewhere new, my old ways of doing things get the best of me.

Friday, August 8, 2008

3 hours of sleep & this song rocks

couldnt sleep again as always. 7 hours of sleep within the last 2 days, but this song is classic

Thursday, August 7, 2008


i stayed up all night as i planned on doing and fell asleep a 1pm. then at around 5 somebody called me on the phone, and it pissed me off because people dont usually call me ever since i got a new #. i tried to go back to sleep but couldnt. just laid there in bed for 1 hour.

falling asleep for me is really hard, i mean really hard. i think it's because i cant stop thinking and also because of my irregular schedule, as well as not caring about staying up since i got no life. like id say i go to bed at 12, and then once its 12 ill break the rules and say 1. then 1 turns into 2 and i end up going to bed at 3. then lay there in bed until 5 and miraculously falling asleep close to 6. thats how it was last night, minus the sleep.

ok im really gonna try my best to go to bed 12-1 every night and wake up at 8 or 9 am. that is my goal because once school starts with me having this internship coming up in the fall, it's gonna be intense and ill need a regular schedule. i must do this because i'm tired of treating my body like shit. and also if i have my shit together then this could be my last semester in college.

24 Hour Cycle, part IV

its 5:45am right now and im doing the cycle again. i gotta work friday morning and if i sleep tonight there is no way im waking up tomorrow earlier then 1. and if that happens id probably go to bed at like 3 or 4 and fall asleep at 7 or 8 cuz id be all worrying about falling asleep knowing i gotta work in the morning. so id get 3 hours of sleep and be miserable and like a zombie at work. no thank you. id rather stay up and level up my Druid. he's 57 now, im gonna push it and hopefully get him to 70 in 2 days. Druid is the funnest and best class i ever played.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

the funnest time i ever had playing a Video Game

ok so today i was on my Druid and im leveling him in this city right. and this city is infamous for people of the opposite fraction killing you on sight. i mean like you cant even walk inside peacefully, even if youre not bothering anyone, do what you need to do and leave. if you not sneaky and dont use stealth, good luck cuz youre fucked. and i got so frustrated i started cussing them all out and they all laughing at me as they kill me every time. so i go log onto my Night Elf Rogue and go to one of my main cities. I get about 20 guys with me (took a while cuz people kept leaving as i was inviting them) and we all go raid that town. OMG!!! it was the funnest time i ever had!

the town we raided is basically like this. for example, there are bloods (Alliance) and there are crips (Horde). the crips spend all their time staying in the town and waiting for bloods to come to chase them and kill them. so if youre a blood, leveling there or buying something in that town is impossible. so i take 20 bloods and go rape all the crips. it was hysterical. we are all there laughing and enjoying ourselves while these idiots complain in the general chat "noob allies blah blah blah" lmfao. i swear this was the funnest and funniest time i ever had in a video game. one guy was even filming it said hell put it on youtube lol!!!!!

so my plan is this. im gonna level my Druid to 70 and by the weekend hell be ready. then go raid some instances a few times, get all epic gear, and then once im geared up im gonna go do this again. and we left the town cuz some of our guys started crying "lets go raid a big city! lets go raid a big city", so after 30 mins i was like fuck it lets go. but raiding a big city is suicidal. there is 70s there in and out constantly. so that Hollywood moment of owning the place lasted for about 5 maybe 10 mins tops. but that one town is the greatest town of all to go to and do revenge in because we own that city for as long as we stay in it if we're 20 deep or even 15. and the funniest part is that the crips keep coming and keep coming and keep coming, and we keep killing and keep killing and keep killing. so once the weekend comes and my Druid is all ready and geared up, it's payback time! these idiots are gonna pay, run, and cry once again "waaaaaaaaah yo all are noobs waaaaaaah why you kill me?" hahahahahaha!!!!!!!! leveling different characters is fun and all but this is the greatest time i ever had playing a video game.. EVER!!!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Medellin case

this Jose Medellin is a real piece of shit. he's gonna get executed August 5th which is tomorrow. i was just thinking about how he feels right now. his insides are probably boiling, or maybe he's immune and doesn't care. either way guys like this deserve the worst punishment in the CJ system. after reading what him and his friends did to the 2 girls i can't even look at his pic without feeling utter disgust. and when it comes to capital punishment, Texas don't play.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

24 Hour Cycle, part III

so this week on Wednesday, July 30th, i stayed up all night again. my third time in like a few months and i have a feeling i may be doing it again. i got high as a kite too because i thought if i do this again may as well go all out and get fucked up. my first time getting high when not sleeping. so on thursday i was up the whole day until like 11:30pm or so.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Cops with Guns

so i was sitting here reading Jena 6 case on wikipedia then i decided to go in the kitchen and eat some fruits. then i come in the living room, with my folks being gone and all, and i see 3 cops with guns out going into this neighbors backyard across the street ready for action. then another cop car pulls up as backup, now it's 5 cops. the owner comes out and asks them what's going on and they tell her. even though i didn't hear em clearly, i think they were looking for somebody. then another cop car parks near by and there is 7 cops out on the street. now they all trying to investigate the same house and a few other houses next to it. they ring door bells and ask the neighbors about some info.

so then another car comes and there is like 9 cops, and 4 cop cars parked on the street. that's not to mention there was a 5th car driving by and didn't stop (i guess making sure everything was safe.)

this neighborhood is a trip. it is currently being gentrified. many Asians, as well as Whites and other backgrounds of different races, are moving in and buying houses. but the black youth is still going back and forth killing each other, having gang members hanging out at the park, and they are the only ones that are in some deep trouble. i really wanna know what happened though. because i know it must have been some serious shit.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

a Nightmare and a Pleasent Dream

i had so many nightmares within the last week or two it's scary. didn't blog the dreams because i am so lazy. but last night i went to bed at 7:30ish am, and probably fell asleep at 8. and i had this horrible nightmare.


now i start thinking and the nightmare goes way back. it started out as me being in my old hood where i'd visit that youth center. so i was walking the streets at night looking for a bus. i don't know why or what i was doing there because it probably had to do with the dream going even further back but i don't remember. so i find this bus, get on it, and turns out my ticket has expired. so i start looking for money but i have none, and a stranger tells me to not say anything and i don't. so the bus driver didn't say nothing, and i got off at this stop near city college. then night turned into day. and i'm thinking i wanna go visit my old counselor who really helped me and even hired me at city. but then i'm like "she probably is gonna wanna hug and i haven't showered in a few days so forget it."

but then i'm like ill go visit my supervisor instead. she's at a different department. so i go visit her and i come upstairs and i see her leaving work. i say what's up and smile at her. and instead of her being all like heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey she's really nonchalant and acts like she gotta be somewhere. i was like ok that sux, but whatever. then i end up going to some room downstairs i never seen before. and feels like i'm in a different place and in a different building. there are 2 guys there and 1 of them acts really rude or just disrespectful. i had an empty beer bottle in my hand so i was like "whatever man, im outta here!" and i put that beer bottle on top of a microwave. it was like my way of saying "you disrespect me, i disrespect you. so you throw this shit out." so i left it there and he went after me. he took the bottle and then as we end up outside i don't know what went wrong. but either the 2nd guy or somebody else threw glass powder in his eyes. (when i did Kung Fu, my teacher told us that back in China when there were no guns, people would grind glass until it became powder. and when it was time for war with every man for himself, the person would put that glass powder in his pockets and when situation got hectic he'd throw it his enemies' eyes.) so that's what happened, somebody threw this powder in his eyes. then the other guy ended up getting that powder in his eyes too. maybe it was dust, i'm not sure. but they were both laying on the ground all knocked out with their eyes wide open and their eyes were brownish. it was scary as shit so i woke up around 1pm. i was thinking it could've been me and here i am sleeping and dreaming about stuff and what i see in my dream, then i could wake up with my eyes being all screwed up. i was a little sweaty when i woke up.

-Nice Dream-

then when i went back to sleep i started dreaming of being in a room with this mature Asian chick. she was this lady i worked with before. she had a Chinese accent and then after about 5 mins of talking to her she turned into this girl that looked like Tina Tequila from the mtv show. so she was explaining to me something and i look her up and down. and it's like i'm really clueless on all these signs and i was in my dream too. she looked at me and said "oh my God something something," and kept looking at me. then i leaned in a little bit and then it was obvious so i kissed her. then she made some positive comments like how she likes me, i don't remember. so i started caressing her all over her stomach, legs, ass (her body was unbelievable and perfect.) we were about to start having sex but her father was in the apartment so she was like "let's take a shower together." she walks in the shower but there is her dad having sex with a women on the toilet so she freaks out and goes to her room. then i saw her later on and she was dressed in a really sexy black dress and told me something like "ohhh.. we couldn't get together cuz of my dad" or something, i dont remember.

there was a continuation of my nice dream after i left the apartment but ehh, don't feel like typing it up and plus it had my user friend in it so fuck that i'm not blogging it.

Monday, July 28, 2008

the Psycho bitch is posting ads on cl.. lmao

that Psycho chick i talked about earlier has posted another ad on craigslist talking about shes looking for guys who are quite and like listening and shit. this bitch is psycho im telling you. if youre like me and dont say much youll just sit there and listen to this crazy bitch moan and whine and complain about her problems with other men shell love you. until youll just say ok bitch i had enough im leaving. and then the bitch will make it a psycho moment and youll feel real dark inside. then shell move onto the next guy.

i pray that the next guy who responds to this chubby pscyho bitch doesnt actually end up meeting her, lol.. poor guy. she reminds me of that psycho went out of the movie Misery, no joke. bitch is a pscyho. she told me she was a writer tool, lol.

Friday, July 25, 2008

reinstalling Windows

and on a side note, i just reinstalled my windows and had to put in my old 80 gig HD. i figured i'll put my old HD in and install XP on it and whenever i'm ready for Vista i'll format my other HD. took me all day so i'm all frustrated. its already 4am and i got a lot of other stuff to install tomorrow too.

my mother's boyfriend is a fucking idiot

so today was my mom's birthday, and her boyfriend knocks on my door asking me if i got a card to give her. i tell him no i don't and i'm not planning on writing one because i already bought her a water filter for $130. he tells me i must write her a card and i tell him i won't. so he says i have to and that if i don't ill hurt her feelings. then i tell him i don't need to because i rather give her the gift and do it my way. so he then argues with me and leaves saying that he'll bring me the card because he has 3 that i can choose from. so he brings the cards and im like look i dont wanna write no cards i don't have a problem with just telling her happy birthday and then he gets in my face and says "IF YOU DON'T WRITE A CARD THEN YOU ARE MOVING FUCKING OUTTA HERE!" then he's walking out of my room telling me that i "don't understand" and that "you can just sign it" and that i dont have to say anything. and the worst part of all he tells me "and you dont have to sign love because i know you dont have any."

so you know i had no choice because i keep thinking to myself just dont say nothing and put up with this bullshit till you out you almost got your degree but inside i can't stand him. i wrote "hope you enjoy your gift, happy birthday" then signed my name. wtf was the point of this? stupid fucking idiot. he wants to be my father so bad but the retard is not even my step father. he proposed to my mom yeaaaaaaaars ago but yet they still not married. i'm gonna go to my friend tomorrow and talk to him about it because he's really good at dealing with people and i hope he gives me a good advice. i'm thinking of telling him that if he keeps threatening me with kicking me out im outta here and that hes a fucking asshole who is nothing more then my mom's boyfriend.

he basically grew up good. his values are totally different then mine. yet he wants to teach me about the world through his eyes. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you grew up in ORANGE COUNTY! dont tell me about your fucking values and most importantly fuck you for trying to force your bullshit opinions on me. i will never be you or do things your way because I AM NOT YOU! you stupid fucking idiot. all that money you gave to my therapist, the same therapist who was trying to tell you all this but yet your stupid baby boomer's ass is too dumb to realize you keep doing the same shit and not LISTENING to anybody because you think you know everything. dumb ass. i cant wait to get outta here and this time it could be sooner then i expected. you lucky i never knew how to properly stand up for myself otherwise i would NOT PUT UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!

then this same fucking dumb ass wants to hang out with me. he wants to play tennis together. he wants to go to a bar with me and tell me things. show me about the world and shit. what the fuck are you kidding me??????????????????? look at your stupid ass and how much of an asshole you are. i have a really hard time expressing myself so why you gotta be a fucking asshole then tell me im wrong? FUCK YOU!!! just because i don't do things your way don't mean i'm wrong every time.

this guy probably had a heart attack when he saw the house we lived in when my mom showed him the pics my childhood friend sent me. growing up in Orange County mother fucker was used to having nice things and would probably freak out if his house wasn't neatly painted and taken care of. fuck you telling me about i dont understand. you don't understand a whole lot more shit then me. talking about "they're just gangs, let them kill each other." that's what this bitch told me when i asked him about what he thinks about the situation in this hood we live not too far from. and this is the guy that wants to be my father and wants us to hang out?????????????????????????????????? fuck that.

i can't wait to see my friend tomorrow i really wanna ask him for advice. i just never knew how to be on my own so it scares me when he threatens me with kicking me out. fuck him! and he never apologizes too, like hes always right and i'm always wrong. stupid fucking idiot. he's nothing more then my father wanna be. and after all of this this he wants my respect and asks my mom to ask me if i like him. yeah, you're doing all the right things in order for me to like you.