Huge Panic Attack

so yesterday after I trained my Kung Fu, I left and approached this girl outside. Afterwards, I felt this fear running through my body. And when I got home, I felt weak because I didn't eat for 7 hours. So, finally I ate my frozen burrito, thinking it will make me feel better. I still felt weak and like I was going to faint. my plans were to go out, drink 4 shots of vodka before I get to the club. And then talk to girls there while drunk. But I didn't go. I was worried that if I already feel like passing out, vodka may just do that.

Today I thought fuck it, no work tomorrow and I will go out tonight instead. It's Sunday so it would be slow, so no drinking. But I still feel weak like yesterday.

So  I am watching this funny ass movie, Dinner for Schmucks, because I thought I need to watch something funny when I feel shitty rather than browse toxic pol on the weekend. And I had this HUGE panic attack. This is why I stopped smoking weed, cuz i'd get these all the time. But now I am sober and I felt like kms. Called my tranny friend, literally the only one i have, and she calmed me down and told me to take the pill my doc subscribed to me. I ended up in ER last year cuz had a panic attack just like this. they told me it's from stress and nothing is wrong with me.

I feel better now, but still weak. I just feel like it's too heavy to be in this body with all my problems. And I am so lonely. it's too much sometimes to handle. I am also doing No Fap and on it for a while. Feel a lot better mentally and physically, but sometimes I need to release. But soon I'm going to Europe to do some self improvement for myself, and I hope it helps.

I haven't been blogging at all, because I guess I am just really private and stopped caring about my blog lately. So, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe not. it's kinda random, not like I used to post all the time. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm trying to improve myself in my love life and my social life, but it's so fucking hard. sometimes I just wanna get drunk and numb my feelings down, so that I don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and worthlessness. Because everywhere I go, all I see is couples everywhere. Feels like I'm disconnected from humanity and everything else in the universe.

Forever sexually frustrated

that's how I feel right now.

I'm back on my No Fap, No Porn program. I think I blogged about this yeeaaaaaars ago. but it is really helpful this time, because I have really stuck with it. I got to a point where my dick was lifeless. NOTHING turned me on. I only got off and had erections through porn. I came like 1x per 3 weeks at least to release, but that would still be me fapping and watching porn, the most damaging thing to men and their erectile dysfunction in our age. this was me, but after No Fap since August 1st, which is almost 3 months now, I actually wake up with hard boners. I get real erections when talking to or even looking at women!! I can't believe it. I actually FEEL something in my pants, and get arousals.

I just don't know how long I'll be able to hold off. I need a release, and me not being that great with girls really makes it extremely difficult. I wanna get better but feel so alone. no friends, no wingmen, and think I need to create a 30 day program of me pushing my boundaries socially every day, until I start to actually approach and talk to women I am attracted to. otherwise, going out to the beach every once in a while to talk to strangers won't change shit. it may get me laid one day if I'm lucky and grow enough courage to start approaching girls, but in the end I'll still remain the same.

fuck life is hard. sometimes I have not even an outlet sexually. Sometimes I wish I lived in a state or a country where prostitution was legal. because my dick feels like it is going to explode some days, along with my balls.

My Date with an Indian Girl

so today, I had a date with the Indian girl I last blogged about. I thought she was gonna flake and not respond, like most of my female interactions, but she didn't. We met up at our work's cafeteria. I was really busy, and had another appointment with a user at 1pm. She wanted to meet at 12:30, so I was in a rush.

I had doubts about asking her out over the weekend. I didn't really take a good look at her, and kept wondering if she's my type. But when I got there I was like damn she's pretty! But again, I still don't know. I am a Libra and we are picky af! Anyway, I got my food already, found a seat, and told her where it is while she stood in line.

As she joined me, we chit chatted and then it happened. Me being me-inexperienced, and haven't had a date in close to 5 years (if not longer). We had awkward moments but they didn't last that long. She filled them up with movies she watched, and I filled them in with some other crap I don't remember. All in all, I don't know. I think she likes me but you can never be too sure. Girls are weird. They act interested and flake, or not call back, and all just to be nice and not make you feel rejected. Even though that is exactly what they are doing.

How do I feel about this whole thing? Like I feel about everything in my life. Ashamed. Ashamed of not having experience with women, ashamed of not being exciting and fun to be around, ashamed of revealing this side of me to her. But I can't say it was that bad. I think I am just too hard on myself. I was doing what I usually do on dates, hiding. I am afraid what people around may hear when I speak, so I don't speak loud enough. It's really bad, but I guess it comes from feeling shame about everything in my life. I used to be a lot worse, though. I would be this way ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE, WITH EVERYBODY! I have at least improved a lot when it comes to people, and improved a little bit when it comes to women where I managed to ask this girl out. 99% of the times I don't, even though there could be all these signs of interest. I am too afraid of what others around will think, and I prevent myself from living my life.

Towards the end I said "We should do this again sometimes" before leaving. She said sure. I added "outside of this place[work]"... If anything comes out of it, I'll blog about it. If not, then even better. So that I don't have to deal with this shit. I feel like I am a 16 year old stuck in a 38 year old body. Can't even imagine how bad I will be at sex, if it ever gets to that...

I asked an Indian Girl out at work...

I know, I know... after getting red-pilled, I am 100% against race-mixing. But I am not planning on having children, so I think I am good.

I did not think I was going to do this. I haven't asked a woman out in a loooooooong ass time. And frankly, I am frightened to show any woman my lonely world. Which is why I don't ask any women out. But today at work I was helping this girl out, and she is so my type. Big girl, curvy, BBW kind. I am in IT so I was setting up her laptop. There wasn't any social pressure since we were in a private room. Then I lead the conversation to eventually bringing out the part that she is from India (took me like 3x ffs). Then it was Bollywood > Padmavatti (my favorite movie of 2018) > Shiva Goddess, etc.. and from there she was very cool. Showed me I.O.I.'s and everything. She was very surprised about my knowledge of Indian culture.

I really felt the tension, and was thinking about asking her out but hesitated 2x. Then finally I ask "Would you like to have lunch sometime?" She paused for 2 seconds...... then said yes. Then before leaving, she said "yeah, email me so we can have lunch". I guess she really likes me. She is kinda short, though. I think 5'2", or even shorter. But DAMN she is thick!

I don't know. I am really afraid about race-mixing, but not like we're going to have sex next time. It may not even work out. I just hope she won't try to use me to get a green card cuz her VISA expires in 2020. Will post more details soon...

I am ACMT 2017 Certified!

On 5/31/2018 I passed my 2nd test for ACMT 2017. 2 Months ago I passed the Fundamentals, which is required to pass ACMT. I am so proud of myself. Been studying for almost a year! Not non-stop, as I took 3 breaks. The last break I almost didn't get back into studying. Got really lazy and was just doing nothing for months! Finally, I said OK I gotta get back into it and pass it before they release 2018 version. So finally, after all the hard work, I PASSED.

My Score:

ACMT 2017 - 87/100%
Fundamentals 2017 - 94/100%

The main reason why I chose this cert is because I am now with a company that has access to GSX, which is required to pass this exam. You cannot do this on your own. Plus, I am using my company's laptop-Macbook Pro. So, I thought "I'll never waste my $$$ on a greedy and backwards company like Apple. I will take advantage of both of these elements, and study for ACMT".

My plan now is break for a month, then study for Network+, which I heard includes A+. Then once I pass that, I'll start looking for a better job.

I felt SO PROUD OF MYSELF when I passed this test. I really understand how people make more money and become rich. They study ALL-THE-TIME. Studying every day, always reading new things, get new certs, degrees, learn new languages, etc.. (THANK YOU Brian Tracy!) It's anything but easy. But that's how you get ahead in life, especially nowadays. The boomers could just get a College degree, get a good job, buy a house, and then have kids. Nowadays things are different. You can't do that anymore. We can't even afford to have our own place, so we resort to living with roommates. Want a full time job? Forget it! Half the people nowadays are contracted, and I'm being generous. Everybody is trying to save as much money as possible, companies and corporations included.

I am now just relaxing. Smoking weed a little bit here and there, and just wasting my life until July. I deserve it. Feels like I'm on vacation. Like I'm free from all the pressure of studying. It was the first time I pushed MYSELF without the help of others like my mom or anyone else to achieve my education/career goals. I felt amazing, but the feeling faded. Now I just feel neutral. Currently focusing on self-improvement.

Pick-Up Journal Entry

so I am following this guy on youtube The Fearless Man. he gives lots of good advice, one of which is keep a journal. I am just sharing one event from last night here publicly.

I got really drunk. Drank 4 shots before taking Uber, and when got to the club was all buzzed. Then when I go inside... it is a gay night!! I was like... WTF!?!?! NOT AGAIN! I just remembered now that the website said "pansexual night". I googled it, but didnt really understand it correctly. I only went cuz they played House.

When I'm in I approach this group of 1 guy and 1 girl. I ask what is this? and the guy says "it's mostly bi people here. you can find some girls, but mostly it's bi guys." his friend was cute and I asked them where can I find regular clubs. she started giving me advice on clubs I already been to, and they were kinda far. she was from New York and really cute, down to earth, and talkative. she talked more than me. I offered her a drink. she said sure. then when I got drinks, I took mine, and walked off. I forgot to 1) ask her about her outfit (just realized it this morning). she was wearing some weird costume with her toes showing, and her friend was too. probably characters from a video game, and 2) ask for her number. One other thing I forgot to do was actually GIVE HER THE DRINK. I just left it at the bar. Small things like this really matter.

What I learned: I never really ask girls out. I talk, I am NOT GROUNDED AT ALL, I dont know what to say, and dont even notice things due to me not being grounded.

Goals: I will focus on these things from now. Go out, talk to girls, get their #, get dates. rinse and repeat. I just dont do the last 2 things, hence I never have any connections with girls or anything outside of a conversation. I expect some sort of magic to happen where I develop amazing game, and I sweep these women off their feet. But I need experience to do that. Plus, I watch keys to the VIP and most men simply suck and get #s doing much worse conversationally than me. So again, 1) Talk to girls, 2) get #s, 3) set dates.

Will update this later if I need to change things around, but this is it for now.

p.s. I puked in the club bathroom a little after my 5th drink, and then after taking Uber home outside of my place next to a tree REALLY BADLY. man... I woke up all fucked up with a hang over, but feel much better now.

Looks, Money, Status

some parts of this video had me laughing for a good minute. reminds me back in my PUAHate posting days. The guys there were doing these Male Model experiments, and those were the funniest threads I read in my life. Girls would reply to craziest shit the more gl the guy was. I left 6-12 months before Elliot Rogers went on his killing spree cuz it was so toxic, but I don't remember him posting there. Maybe cuz he was just another screen name to me, or he wasn't posting back then..

Steve Jabba is awesome

Pick-up is like meditation. but let's be real here. Jabba is a good looking guy. that helps a lot. looks DOES matter. anyone tells you it doesn't is full of shit...

when will I start living?

I am 37 years old, soon to be 38, and I have never lived my life. I've always just existed, like a leaf floating in mid air, going towards any direction the wind blows.

I haven't been blogging lately due to several reasons, but this is one of them. when will I start living? will I go through life until it's my time to leave being miserable and lonely? I am just tired of blogging about the same shit, complaining about the same thing. and I give up so much. I really want to to get back into pickup but feel like I cant do this alone. its so efing hard. plus i really wanna move outta Cali. people here are so passive aggresive, its like they dont wanna be talked to. but i need 2 travel first to see the rest of US but im scared.

anyway. just wanted 2 let that off my chest. its hot af today. gonna go finish exercising and shower. maybe go to the beach..

No Porn No Fap

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FUCK PRIDE!!

so last night I was planning on going to this upscale bar. my friend calls me and says "hey, there is this club and I read in a newspaper that they'll have a good DJ. check the site and call me." So I did and texted her that there will be multiple DJs, but it's a pride weekend and they rented the entire place (this club usually has 2 events so one club split in half). So she says let's do this! I get ready and pick her up.

We park a block away, and as we get there, LITERALLY 98% OF THE CROWD IS GAY! I WAS LIKE WTF!?!?! AM I IN A TWILIGHT ZONE? THIS ISN'T EVEN A GAY CLUB! so we wait a long ass time in line cuz I guess it was full. I tell her "let's go to a bar next door". She goes NOOOOOOOOOOO! we're almost in blah blah blah. We eventually get in, the cover is $40 EACH!! even though it says 20-30 on the website. now I know you're probably thinking, this can't get any worse, right? IT DOES! AT LEAST 60% OF THE MEN ARE HALF NAKED IN SHORTS WITH SHIRTS OFF!!

I'm like let's get drinks, so I lead her upstairs and buy 2. SHE DISAPPEARS WITHOUT TELLING ME ANYTHING. I just moved a little bit to the wall to stand on top of the stands because it was so crowded, I was spilling drinks as people were bumping into me. so I wasn't going to go chase her, looking for her all over the club. I drink mine, and eventually start to drink hers. after finishing about 35% of her drink, she shows up " I was in a bathroom!"

I chit chatted some people to warm up (NO HOMO), and eventually spot this room where they did Tarot readings and VR. I bring her in there. she reluctantly follows. I tell her WTF ELSE U GONNA DO HERE?? plus these are FREE so who cares. We waited for our reading forever, cuz it took 10-15mins for each person, and there were 4 -5 people ahead of us with only 2 readers at the desk.

After we are done with Tarot she starts complaining "let's go to another club!" I tell her "look! it's almost 2am, and by the time we get there, they'll be closed. but this place closes at 4." then as I'm waiting to try the VR mask, she just leaves.

Then I get a text from her "Ur gay". I'm like WTF!!!?!?!?! she drags me to this PRIDE BULLSHIT, it ends up being nothing but homos, I pay for entrance and drinks, spending $120, AND NOW SHE IS CALLING ME GAY!??!?!? I tell her LOOK, I wasn't even going to come here, and only came because of u. I pay for everything, you leave me here, and now you insult me. that's fuked up. she texts me "come over". I tell her no. I'm gonna stay here a little more. I was a little tipsy with 3.5 drinks in my system, so I wanted to sober up a little before I drove home. I only met 2 girls that SEEMED they were straight. everybody else were lesbians (mostly couples.) some smelled really bad of sweat. I was one of the only straight looking guys there with normal going out clothes.

SO FUCK PRIDE! I learned that when I see the word "Pride" in an event, to steer clear of it. I mean I did meet a cool photographer, and chit chatted with some nice people, but overall this was NOT worth it. THE worst experience of 2017 going out so far.

I am going out to that upscale bar tonight. and if it turns out to be like this, I'll simply leave. At least it's free, unless they throw a special event for a party like they did last weekend. Will do some warm ups and approach some girls. I'm serious about improving my social skills, and life. It will just take a long time. But I don't care. I'm committed.

And in case you are wondering what that place looked here. here you go...

a Girl Asked me out...

this just happened a few hours ago. I am a floating tech going building to building working with computers, and I was helping this new girl a few months back. So today I ended up in her building again cus I get sent there a lot. She's always been nice to me, and recognizes me, which is strange cuz most women in the corporate world environment are different and aloof. so today I see her in an elevator, and I say hello. she asks me some computer question and we just chit chatted. then as we get off I ask her where she's going for lunch. she says here to get something real quick. and then she goes "we should have lunch sometime so you can teach me about IT stuff". I said sure but since we were walking separate ways and she got me so off guard (this never happened before in my life!), I didn't know what to do. I thought about giving her my #, but we just parted ways with her going left and me going straight. not sure where this is going to go, and since I got red-pilled I am 100% against race-mixing (she looks Japanese and you know how Asians love white guys). but I don't want kids; still it could happen. either way. I'll post the update here if anything comes out of it.

Tom Torero-the best Pick-Up teacher I found

after meeting all the disgusting douchbags like Tyler Durden and his RSD crew, I have been turned off by most of the "PUAs" in the community and took a long break. I really want to get back into pick-up, but finding an instructor that matches your style is no easy task. So far, this is the best guy I found, even though I haven't seen him in-field yet. but if you can find a better teacher, let me know.

I am doing a lot of studying, getting back into reading books, and setting goals. And once I'm ready, I'm going to start doing Pick-up. I don't want to be a miserable and lonely old man thinking about what I could've done in life. And if I let life pass me by, I may just end up that way...

my first Ayahuasca experience

I have been wanting to drink ayahuasca for years. but after seeing Metamorphosis, I didn't want to go near that brew with a 10 feet pole. It was hands down the scariest documentary I have ever seen. and believe me, I have seen them all. It was like watching the Exorcist happen in real life. that film completely made me abandon and forget this tea for over a year. I had so much fear just thinking about sipping a cup, it was like my 2012 doomsday scenario all over again.

The hardest part of the experience was the waiting time after singing up for the ceremony, and the counting down of days to the last minute of me drinking that first cup. It was as if time slowed down, and I was being tortured by my own ego with fear and paranoia. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and then being frightened to go back to sleep, thinking about how my first experience was going to be. The entire reason why I really wanted to do this, was because I needed healing. I felt like I needed to suck it up, and go through with it. Because if I didn't, I may be fucked up for the rest of my life. And my entire goal in life, is to grow as much as possible before I leave this place.

I drove quiet a bit to get to the location, and once there I was the scariest person in the room. There was only one other person at the circle who was drinking it for the first time-a lady a little older than me. Everyone else seemed calm, including the lady herself, and relaxed. I was talking about my fears and concerns with everyone I met. What really made me just a tiny bit less scared, was the fact that this wasn't a traditional Peruvian ceremony-which is done in the dark. it was a Brazilian circle instead, with lights on and constant singing. I am very sensitive and was really freaking out by all the crazy visuals I may have been experiencing. That was my biggest fear-going to hell and stuff like that.

1st Night

One guy was assigned to me to be my guide, just in case I get freaked out. And I was freaking out quiet a bit. I was actually quiet calm until it was time to drink the first cup. Then I was getting more and more scared. When it came time to actually drink it, I was frozen, scared like a little girl. I asked for half a cup, and even then it took me about 5 minutes to drink the entire thing, sipping little by little. The taste was bitter and unpleasant, but not as awful as all those people described when going to Peru. I didn't feel anything until I drank the 2nd cup an hour later. 30 mins into the 2nd cup, it really hit me. My first thoughts were "I will never do this again". I felt this sudden rush with ayahuasca going from my hands to my head, until I started to get really woozy and drunk.

I wanted to throw up right away, but it was really hard so could not. I started to moan while suffering. I laid down and started seeing a dark field, with green molecules everywhere with eyes closed. Got really scared of seeing freaky things, and opened eyes. I did not witness anything after that, as we were in a circle singing songs with bright lights on. It was impossible to have visualizations with bright lights, even with my eyes closed. Part of the reason was because I did not purge. The 3rd glass was only half full (not by choice), and I didn't feel much. Music at the end was too loud; impossible to sleep or relax.


2nd Night

The second night was way easier to experience ayahuasca, as I didn't have as much fear but was a little nervous. I realized that I was freaking out for no reason. My fear was of all the crazy stuff I thought would happen to me, but none of it ever did. I just did what my guide, who was absent this time around, told me-"whatever you experience, go through with it."

I was nervous and afraid a little, but drank my first cup without a problem straight away. About 30 minutes later, I could feel ayahuasca flow through my arms, body, and brain. A little further into the ceremony, I got drunk on this vine; it was hard to focus on singing or even seeing and reading the lyrics. I laid down & eventually left the room to get away from everybody and especially lights.

I vaguely saw patterns, but no memorable visualizations. I didn't want to purge at all this time, but cried a little while was in the room with everyone. I gotta say that on ayahuasca, time doesn't exist. At some point, I got lost in the inner world; was laying there for 40 minutes or so without realizing about my body. I was going back and forth like this, escaping into myself having no clue on where exactly I was upon coming back into my body. Just laying there on the couch, with pain and suffering escaping me with each breath I exhaled.

I received the biggest dose on my 3rd cup, and at some point my vision got blurry when I left the room to lay on the couch with dimmed lights. It was hard to see, so I closed my eyes and was just trying to have visuals. But they never came. Once ayahuasca gets into your blood stream, and into your brain, you get intoxicated, and it becomes really hard to focus. All you want to do is lay down.


Ayahuasca was definitely not what I expected. The best way I could describe it, is a warm blanket. It feels hard at times, but cozy in the end. I did not go very deep, but feel like I really needed this. I asked the brew to go easy on me, and it did. A month later, I felt like it cleansed my brain of all the chaos. I was feeling a little crazy at around the summer, like I was on the verge of going insane. Ayahuasca took that away from me completely. After this ceremony, I now understand why Shamans in the Amazon drink it in the dark. It's not because of how some may think that the Shamanic world is "dark" and "evil". But it's mostly because in complete darkness, you could go far more deeper into the experience, and into yourself. I just wish the people at this Brazilian ceremony explained some things to me, like to close your eyes and try to visualize and then hold onto your visualizations. Because if you don't, you won't have any, which was my case. It was as if you were on your own, unless you got assigned a helper like in my case. But it was good for my first time, and I am proud of myself for facing my biggest fears, doing exactly what I wanted to do.

I lost my virginity

Technically, I already did with a tranny when I blogged about it. But since some people say that the only way you can truly lose your virginity is with an opposite sex. Today was that day. October 30, 2016. I was jerking off all day practicing my "tantra", and was so horny I busted within a few strokes.

Not gonna go into details, but let's just say that... there was a "price" to pay for the pussy. There is always price you pay for the pussy, cuz pussy is in high demand. Men start wars over this shit, and some men go out and blow themselves up and take 100 people with them. Because in the end, they believe in their mind that will get pussy. Crazy. Well, on a good note, I am not one of those psychopaths or lost souls willing to hurt and murder people. Thank god. It could've technically be me. Anyone lost and needing purpose in life could get brainwashed enough to do the craziest shit... for pussy.

Anyway, I'm smoking weed tonight for the last time in a while. Damn I talk a lot when I smoke. It's good therapy. I don't talk enough. I need to smoke some and go out every week. Soon... I'm working on a plan to turn my life around, get money, pussy, and grow as much as possible before I go.

But I'm thinking of moving. My landlord and his fam really walk a lot and that shit cuts deep and get on my nerves. We'll see. I'll talk to him tomorrow when I pay my rent. Maybe they can tone it down, or if not I'm outta here. fuck that shit. I don't need stress. When I don't nap, I hear them stumping for HOURS. I already talked to him, it got better but still it's really bad some nights. One of my goals is to go out after work and find a good vibe coffee shop. Study on my A+ and a Mac certificate. And come home at around 10pm. maybe do that 3x a week. Plus, finish another Seth book I am ready. I been reading it for like 6 months. So yeah, going out of my basement could really help me and no more naps so much. I take naps cuz I try to have Out-of-Body Experiences, when I completely forget and abondon my In-Body Experiences.

Anyway, I am out for now. Gonna go eat, shower, and get ready for work tomorrow. I really need sleep.

I am fucked up

so today is my birthday, and I am at the lowest mental state I have been in a long time. listening to this song to keep my spirits up. it's helping a little, but not much




I can barely type, because tendons in my hands are fucked up. I am too insecure to speak words into my computer because I don't want no one hearing what I have to share here at work or even at home-all paranoid that my roommate or my landlord/his fam hears me upstairs. I have such low self-esteem. it's truly disgusting. there is a new girl at work that sits in my cube, and she is real pretty. she is portuguese, spanish, and mexican. I am too fucking nervous to talk to her, and tbh i dont want to. i done it once and dont wanna do it again. i am sick of women and especially the whole game of men needing to be the conversation starters, leaders, and closers-bringing these bitches out of their shell. fuck that bullshit! i have a hard time bringing myself out of MY shell. what makes these hoes so different?

I am paranoid that they see everything I type here at work, but I keep blogging here regardless. I am not sure if this will be my last blog for a while, but I really am exhausted from life. I feel so overwhelmed, i cannot even put it into words. was just watching people dance at raves on youtube. and i feel so fucking shameful, and self-pittied. i can barely dance in front of myself sometimes, feeling all self-concious thinking some spirits are watching me. it's hard to dance in front of people. i am a paranoid fuck. i was thinking on why i am an outcast, and so weird. and one thing comes to mind-my Jewish ancestry. even with me being tuned into this Alt-Right movement, white nationalism, and the understanding the struggle of whites being genocided by psycho Jews, I can sort of see why Jews want them destroyed. many of these parasitic Jews feel like me. they are outcasts living in a foreign land without a country. they dont fit in with the natives, and they want to hurt them to make them feel their pain. exactly why these sociopaths go on shooting sprees. but then again, this is just my theory. who knows the real answer.

even my Russian European side doesn't really come through much. my Russian grandfather was a gangster, and a leader of some gang in Russia. he had 17 knife wounds on his body from fighting people with knives. and I am like the complete opposite of that. never even met the guy. he passed I think 10 days after I was born. I never met any of my grandfathers. never had any male role models of close relatives. so no wonder i never developed a strong confidence and the understanding of what it's like to be a man. even with all the martial arts I am doing, it doesn't really help me to gain any confidence. I think I need to get back into Pick-up and take action. but i barely wanna leave my room, which is my comfort zone. every time i think to self "i wanna go out tonight by myself". i just end up googling different spots, and abandoning the mission. my PTSD is out of control. i was even thinking of doing some ecstasy because I heard it helps people like me, but dont even know any people who i can get it from.

I hung out with one tranny last Friday, and i really like her. but the tranny community is weird. if you wanna be with a tranny, chances are you gotta pay. not gonna go into the whole story of what happened, but I have a feeling she likes me. or maybe it's just my naivety speaking. and even with her I am scared. she is a party girl-likes to go out drinking, different clubs, feels like she has a strong character. and i can't stop thinking of people messing with me the second my foot hits the ground after i park my car, with fear running through my veins like electric waves traveling throughout my body. I am a mess, but I think this trans community was meant for me. so many weirdos in it, oh man... they make me look sort of normal haha. so out of all the creeps and old men these trannies meet, i am the guy they actually want to get to know. i cant even imagine how turned off most women would be once they find out about me, my skeletons, including my attraction for transsexuals. but i dont need to imagine it. most women are very cold to me. they probably pickup on my vibe of chaos and fear.

most days I just stay home or hang out with my ts friend thinking to myself 'what do i do with my life?' because in the end, I just don't know. I find myself giving up, starting back up, but giving up more often. I just dont know what to do. but in the end, happy birthday to me!

I got an e-mail of this German girl

last time I had a date was over a year ago when I was still doing Pick-up in a mall. my social life is a joke!! but anyway, believe it or not, this was at work and just happened like 10 minutes ago.

She is from Germany and is going back by the end of the year. she is about a 6, 7 max. blonde hair, blue eyes. even though I am very picky, we had a really good conversation, and I just said I wanna continue it over coffee. she said yes. I was expecting a no, since I get that 99% of the time. but my guess is that Europeans are very different than Americans, especially Californians, who are indirect and fake as hell. I asked for her #, but she gave me her e-mail instead. no one was around, so I felt no social pressure. still got really nervous when I thought about asking her.

I'll blog about what happened. stay tuned.

I wonder if you can do pickup in..

Second Life. I wanna get back into pickup. but scared and dunno if im ready. but then again, i dont no if ill ever b ready...

Proverbs 22:6

This is the first Bible verse that actually made me say "wow!" this is so legit. every parent should follow this advice. I am the product of a child that was raised to be confused, uninformed with the world, and lack of self-esteem. parents need to do their job, and if they can't... they shouldn't have children. but that is why whites are fucked up these days. many of us don't want to have children. plus, having kids is expensive. and White Genocide just speeds up every generation. even Hitler try to stop it, and gave bonuses to Germans who had children. nowadays all the white German self hating cunts and cucks call this practice "racist". it's now "racist" to not want your own people to survive. this proposal was rejected because




I can't even watch this. it enrages me just thinking about it. women DON'T BELONG IN POLITICS!! THESE MORONS WILL DESTROY US AND OUR WESTERN WORLD SOON! GET THEM OUT OF POWER NOW BEFORE WE ALL PERISH! ITS NOW CONSIDERED "RACIST" TO NOT WANT GERMAN PEOPLE TO EXIST WITHIN 2 GENERATIONS!!! unbelievable. heh... at least I'm not uninformed anymore. I know more of what is going on than most of the world, and especially whites. but people are waking up. anyway, I digress...

Train up a child in the way he should go;
         even when he is old he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6

Brian Tracy

I like this guy. I remember when I was watching lots of Bob Proctor speeches. he was very well informed and had the right ideas. but I felt like he kept me in a loop of positive thinking, and coming back to view his material. this 1 video of Brian Tracy right here did more for me, than watching all those Bob Proctor lectures





I will start doing some of these things right away, others I would have to sit down and prepare to plan them. I am getting back into working on myself and really find ways to get more successful in life, and not just with women. I finally finished my Photoshop DVD, but I am so lazy that it took me nearly a year! A YEAR!! If I really sat down and planned it all out studying it every day, it could've taken me a few months tops!

Anyway, here is another good video I want to share. No more spending all my free time watching and reading news about the world blowing up. I'll keep that to a minimum, and will skip most of the stories. I invest so much time in this shit, that I simply don't have energy for self-improvement in my life anymore.