Saturday, February 28, 2015

so I found a few of my old pics...

from back when I was going to college. this was about 10 years ago. it's basically pics of me sitting at my computer desk.

NOTHING has changed. I am still sitting at home nearly EVERY weekend, doing NOTHING with my life. I have no friends, I have no future plans or any sort of future prospect on life. I don't even make goals anymore and try to accomplish them. Just staying home feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how no one cares about me. no one calls me, no one even texts me. I am just here all alone without a soul in the world reaching out to me. fuck my life. how many more lifetimes will it take for me to wake up? to see that this will never change. I will never get anything out of life if I keep doing what I'm doing. it's almost as if I gave up again, as I did many times in the past.

I was helping my mom donating stuff to Goodwill today, and realized something. doing things with another person, even if it's my mom whom I don't even wanna be around most of the times, makes things pleasant. if I were to go to Goodwill by myself to donate stuff, it would have been so depressing, so lonely, so miserable. But driving there with someone, ANYONE, made it actually pretty cool.

But I can't stop thinking about them selfies from college. I had my first cell phone on my desk, my computer hiding underneath, with my monitor on top of the desk, and my miserable ass staring at the camera.

I am trying to meet someone, but internet dating is the most depressing thing I ever experienced. I get almost NO REPLIES. and I refuse to go out since 1) i don't drink, and 2) i am ashamed of my circumstance with my living situation, financial situation, and friend situation. too ashamed to put myself out there, let alone talk about these things with a new stranger. 3) i have so much FEAR every time I hit the club or any public gathering where people are out having fun, thinking someone will try to hurt me there, I can't even put it into words.

I will never change, and my life will never improve if I don't do something NOW. But i don't know why I don't. I know this, yet I don't act on it. I am like Jeffrey Dahmer who never made any decisions of his own growing up. and now that I'm all grown up, it's hard to even leave the house, go to a store, and say to self "I want to buy this today". I'm at the store, and I don't even know what I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my mom makes all the decisions for me. she buys food, groceries, fruits, sweets, etc.. it's really terrible, this life. no wonder women treat me like a serial killer. no one wants to be around this much misery and burden. they want happy, and positive folks, and I am far from that. I am 10x more positive than before, but even then, it's never enough for women.

and with trannies it's all about money. if you don't have money, forget even THINKING about dating a beautiful transsexual. that 'friend' of mine is a good example. she said "i need a rich husband, for real". no wonder she never calls me or texts me anymore. I am a mama's boy who doesn't even make enough to have his own place. she complains that "you don't ever buy anything for me", when she wants me to buy her $800 pair of shoes for her. right... I'm gonna save up my money that I make in 2 weeks, to buy you shoes. She has this Asian friend who helps her. he pays her bills sometimes, and even rent when she is short. buys her other stuff, and she is so "happy" with him. He is her "Angel". She meets him every weekend, and even calls him on the phone. I guess I gotta be loaded in order to get any sort of love from her, or most trannies.

I think I'm gonna go back to watching prison documentaries, as they are the only things that I could relate to. people just dump you in a hole, and no one in the world knows nor cares that you even exist. that's how I feel about my life. I had this therapist once who told me this terminology "a living ghost", someone who just observes life passively without ever participating in it. that's me, and always have been. My father thought that if he has a son, his life would be great and he would be happy. but what he got was a replica of himself with all of his burdens that he passed onto me. this is why I will NEVER have children. I would rather be alone all my life and miserable hating myself and the world. until I tackle my issues and get myself outta this shithole, I may as well just stick it out until I am outta here.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Isis destroying Ancient Artifacts in Mosul museum

I am so angered and disturbed by this, I cannot even express it into words. cutting peoples heads off, burning people alive, all of that is not enough. now these low life pieces of shits are destroying artifacts that are thousands of years, and are part of our history. this is the most disgusting thing I have seen in 2015. If you are not familiar with what these artifacts actually mean, they are the equivalent to Ancient Egyptian statues, which were worshipped by the cultures thousands of years ago. How can you have absolutely no respect for other cultures, and other religions than your own?

I hate to say this, but Islam is the plague to our planet. it has created the biggest filth out of human beings I have ever witnessed. I remember the destruction of Buddha statues by the same kind of pieces of shits in Afghanistan, and now this? these creatures working for the devil himself are not even aware of what they are doing. they conciseness is so low, it could hardly understand of who they themselves are, let alone about the world around them. I am deeply saddened, and appalled by this video. I am seeing our human history being destroyed before my eyes, and I just wish I could do something about it. I really hope one day there will be an end to Islamic religion, and all the low life forms it creates

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Dredd, and Stardust=Great Movies

especially Dredd. that movie was fucking bad ass!!! action packed like no other I've seen in a while. smoking some weed to it makes it trippy especially with those slow mo scenes where people shoot up drugs. DAMN this movie was good. reminded me of Burn Notice, which I stopped watching after Season 2 cuz of annoying ass Fiona ruining the whole show for me.

My favorite part was this psychic Judge that has her first training day with Dredd, and come to think of it... this was like Training Day in a way. But it was more of a Sci-Fi future film. LOVED this movie!


Stardust is more of a fantasy film, which was good - 4/5 stars

Dredd is more of an action pack, go in, come out dead or alive, live in the moment film - 5/5 stars!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

why do friends always let you down?

or maybe it's just the friends that I make... I have two stories that I will share. the second one is more serious. here is the first.

it's about my tranny friend. last time I blogged about her was when I didn't give her $400 for her mom's ticket back to Mexico, when I said I would. we ended up hanging out because I called her, and she told me she's 'old school' and doesn't call guys. so I realized that I am supposed to call her. fast forward to a Thursday from last week, this was 2/5. I get a text from her...

Her: are you ready?
Me: for what?
Her: for something!!!
Her: did you cash ur check already?

okay, at this point I knew she needed money. this was my first check that I still didn't cash at the time with my new job. she told me she needs a $300 loan that she'll pay me back in 2 weeks. I ask if I could give her the money the next day, and she said "no, I need the money now!" I hate this, always have. when people push me to give them my money right away. feeling rushed like this, I know something is not right. so I had all my cases at work done, so I take a break and drive to my bank, get $300, and head back. I tell her that I'll bring the money in a few hours after the traffic dies down. Then she texts me...

Her: hey you want to eat burritos. I am at the best burrito place in the world

(this was the place I've been trying to make her go for months, but she refused every time)

Me: No I just ate
Her: I'm not at home but thanks anyway I'll C U other day :)
Me: What?
Her: I don't need the money. I'm not at home. I'll C U other day. Thanks :)

(at this point I get really mad and realize she called some other sucker to give her the money)

Me: Wth? you treat  me like crap. Have me running around town doing things for u n then u say "never mind"
Her: I'm sorry

At this point, I was like FUCK THIS BITCH!!!!!!!! I do so much for her, but she treats me like SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tried telling this to her in the past, but she just wouldn't listen. We make plans, and she'd just break them like it's nothing.

When I told her I'll buy her mom's ticket, she was acting weird. She said "my mom leaves on the 21st". So, in my mind, I'm thinking "oh, she already got the ticket if she knows the date". but it was her way of telling me to give her the money. Then afterwards when I ended up calling her, she was giving me a lecture on how "if you say you'll do something, you should do it". But when I was helping her grocery shop, she said the following, "when my mom leaves, I'll invite you over, and teach you how to cook". So recently I brought that up, and she said "I never said that! I was high or I was drunk". I was thinking WOW! so when she says things, and never does them, that's okay? She does this all the fucking time! But when I do it once, and all because of her ass backwards, confusing ass communication, then I get to hear a lecture from her? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I been really distant lately, not wanting to talk to her. I actually got a "Happy Valentines" text from her, and was surprised. She never texts me on holidays, not even on the new years! I definitely think she knows what's up. And I was actually looking to move in with her to help pay her rent. Living in her living would be a nightmare. I'd be seeing different men come in and out of her room to pay her money for her time (no sex, since she just had her pussy done 2 months ago). But yeah, it would be a nightmare. Plus, her fucking dogs barking, and I'd be in the middle of this freak show. I was going to tell her that if she wants me there, I'd have to take her room, but doesn't look like this will happen. I'm tired of going out of my way to help other people, when I don't even take the steps to help me first. On one hand, this girl acts like we're good friends, and the next moment she acts like we just met and I'm a nobody or isn't important to her. fuckouttahere!!!!!!!!! you can keep your other drone bees who work for you, bringing you money. I am not the one! I won't be calling her for a while, at least until I get better with what happened to me down below.

The 2nd story is much worse, much worse!

My old Macy's co-worker whom flaked on me on the New Years invited me to snowboard with her and our other co-worker. Neither of us work at Macy's any longer, but I thought yeah, let's do this. I never snowboarded before. So, the guy would ski, and me and her would snowboard. I am going to skip the first part, but will get back to it later.

We get to Tahoe, spend the night there at a motel, get our rented gear, go up the mountain, and since I am new I wanna take a snowboarding class. So my female friend says "oh, man, it's expensive. don't take it. I'll come with you and teach you." So, we take a slide up to the basic mountain that's for beginners. get off the seats that bring us there, and her glove ripped from the inside. so, I am sitting there in the snow waiting for her. She keeps talking about it, and lagging. "oh man, it ripped, I have to go get another one". 5 mins go by, still there sitting in snow, 10 mins, still there. I am thinking WTF!?!?!?!? I WANNA SNOWBOARD!!! but I'm sitting there waiting for this friend playing with her glove. I tell her look I wanna snowboard, give me some tips. she says "go slow, and if anything, fall on your butt." So, I say okay, and off I go. I have no clue how to snowboard and have never done it before in my life. I start going fast and straight down the mountain. I panic and what do I do? what my teacher told me to, fall on my butt. I feel pain and like I hurt myself. I get up but feel this buzz up in my ass, like a nerve. I sit a little bit. Then manage to get on my feet. a guy near by teaches me this technique of banana slide where you go side to side and not directly down the mountain. She still hasn't come down. I wait for her 5 more mins. Then do the banana slide, which works amazingly btw, I go slow and learn to snowboard a little. sit down and wait, she still hasn't come down. calls me on the phone and I tell her i'm injured, she acts weird and I still don't see her. I eventually came down seeing my male friend.

I told him the story, and man... headache hits me... it hits me hard. I am fucked up for good 50 mins sitting there with him waiting for me. Afterwards I tell him, let's go ski! We get up to slides, but the nerve in my back hits me hard. holy fuck!!!!! it hurts really bad, so I say "i don't think i'll be able to do this". So I say just go ski, I'll just wait for you. then eventually they were both done, and she wasn't too concerned. I could still walk, so they don't even bring it up again. We give our rented gear back and, driving back home. on the way, she was having fun talking, and laughing in the car, without a worry in the world, not concerned and almost forgot about my injury.

Long story short, I was in such a pain, I knew I wasn't gonna be able to work on Monday. I went to ER, and turns out I broke my pelvic bone. I was thinking about it, and I could've been in a wheel chair right now! And all because my friend didn't care enough about helping me snowboard, because she was too busy adjusting her ripped glove on her hand. so now, I can't work, I don't get paid since I am a contractor and contractors don't get PTO, and I just stay home all day waiting for my body to be healed.

looking back, the whole trip was a disaster. she didn't let me know the details until I called the male friend. she said we'd leave around 6, but it was around 8:30pm. Tbh, I thought she flaked on me again. We got there at around 9pm, and she still made us wait for her because she had to 'help her co-workers' when we already made plans. wtf!?!?!?! I mean, what type of friend is this? she cares more about her co-workers, than her friends she makes plans with? she cares more about her fucking glove than her friend going down the mountain BY HIMSELF WITHOUT EVER SNOWBOARDING BEFORE? I will never go snowboarding with her again. She is selfish, and doesn't care about other people. it's always about her. I should've just not went, but oh well. I did, and paid the price for it.

I already said this before, but I'll say it again. Good friends are hard to find. That's why I remain alone, and prefer it that way. Fuck people! They will always let you down, or find ways to take advantage of you.


just came across this pic, and it resonates with me perfectly at this point of my life. when this realization sinks in, it really hurts. but it is the truth! when people don't care, there is not much you could do but just let them go... I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't feel like being bothered right now. story of my life-being alone, and not wanting to go out to face the world. the less I see of it, the better I feel about myself, and about my life.

Friday, February 13, 2015

another headache coming on


another headache started at 9:10am. i took advil, and thought it would help me like it did last time. it worked about 20 mins in. but headache lasted until 9:47 so it didn't seem like advil did anything.

I woke up from a nap at 6:30am (from 12:30), and went back to sleep at 7:30. i think that i need to eat and drink after naps. my body needs food. i used to be able to prevent headaches by drinking water and stay eating (water especially). but now that doesn't work. ate cereal and drank water but didn't prevent the headache. upon wakening at 9am i felt a very mild headache and thought id get up and eat/drink. nothing. no result. thank god it's over now.

-Date of the time this post was made-

wow.. fuck my life. its getting more and more intense. i took a hit but actually it was a dud. i don't think weed will help me anyway. these headaches are inevitable and are all sinense based. fuck it hurts it hurts so bad i wanna off myself. i don't wanna exist feeling this. it is the most intense and severe pain. like someone is sliding a knife in your eye and your head.

Tinder is GARBAGE!

so I finally decided to give this app a try. i tried it before but didn't like it. it was all limited to my Facebook. i can't even create my own profile WITHOUT Facebook. so I MUST have Facebook in order to use this shitty app.

okay, i had one bad pic on Facebook before. now i got another, but i wanna add a few from my tablet. guess what? I CAN'T EVEN AD ANY PIC OFF OF MY DEVICE! IT HAS TO COME FROM FACEBOOK!!! WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK TINDER!!! PIECE OF GARBAGE SHIT!!! WHO MAKES APPS LIKE THIS??? whoever is behind tinder needs to get seriously shot. fucking idiot!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! GO BE MORE FAKE ON FACEBOOK YOU ATTENTION STARVING HO!!! FUCK FACEBOOK, FUCK TINDER, AND FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the ONLY thing that actually enjoy about Tinder, is the Male Model experiments some guys be running. "looks doesn't matter", yeah the fuck right! would she reply to me the same way, if reply to me at all? fuck no! being an average guy is like being a fucking ghost on the internet

not gonna post her pic, but all I'm gonna say is that she's pretty.



another one just passed, draining my sinus. lasted a good 50 mins. not as intense as last time, but still hurts like a bitch. i hate this season.

holy fuck. so 30 mins later... ANOTHER headache hits me. i was in the middle of eating, so i go in my room and lay yelling periodically holding my head in a pillow thinking 'i hate my life'. my mom comes in my room, sits next to me and tries taking it away with her hands. i was like ok whatever i really don't wanna be bothered right now, but i don't mind this.

then... she starts giving me a lecture about my diet. I was like wtf?! gtfo here!!!!! don't talk to me. stupid bitch. is she insane? does she not realize she is making my headache worse? who talks down on someone in pain!?!?? fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2015

woke up from another cluster headache

at 2:10, i wake up, mild headache. holy fuck then it got worse. i felt like i was being my ass kicked. my god it was painful. lasted until 2:50, then the after shocks were still kicking it till about 2:55. now it's calming down and almost 3 am. it could've been sinus this time cuz my nose is tripping, but i think i didn't drink enough water the whole day. i only drank one mug instead of 2. that's very little. will have to drink 2 per day minimum. i just got behind with my user having problem at work. my own fault.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

cluster headache at work

i slept about 3 hours last night, and think this could have been the cause. but today when I was doing a swap at my user's desk, I got hit with a headache bad. i went to the bathroom and suffered there in agony for about half an hour till it came down. i still was fucked up for the rest of the day. these things take all the energy out of me.

i swear, i wanna be dead when i feel this pain. it's like someone is stabbing me in my head. i think i am ready for ayahuasca. if i can take this much suffering, i can sure as hell take whatever aya can put me through. that's what i realized today. the fear will always be there. but I really wanna try magic mushrooms first. it's hard to find a ceremony, though, unless i wanna go to mexico.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

being sick sucks

so I have been smoking weed again almost every day. it got so bad, my body was rejecting it and i was coughing like crazy. i took a 2.5 day break and then smoked again with my tranny friend. next day i had a really bad runny nose. i thought its just allergies. but today i got so fucked up, i could not go to work. woke up with a fever. then after i slept really good my cluster headache began at around 11:30am. it lasted a whole 8 hours. i swear, i wanted to die it was so painful. i think it was my sinus dripping on the left side of my forehead. oh man... it took all my energy. even though it's mostly gone, i am drained... fuck. being sick sucks. i think i'm gonna stop smoking weed for a while. my body can't handle all that smoke every day. i need to start listening to it instead of ignoring what it's telling me. second time i got sick cuz of this. my own fault.