Sunday, August 31, 2008

I don't trust Obama

one thing that really pisses me off about this upcoming election is how people buy into this whole Obama hype. and that's all it is, hype. people nowadays will vote for anybody who either looks like them them or says what they wanna hear. like Obama for example. when i listen to him talk, he sounds so inexperienced, so new, and naive. when i listen to him talk all i can think is "is this guy really ready to be our next president? does he even realize how much of a responsibility it is to have such a title?" and i really dont think he does. just listen to this shit

people will support Obama for the dumbest reasons. people will support him because he's black and they're black, they will support him because "he's a black man and i like black people, therefore i'm voting for a black person!" or it could be that "i'm black and we never had a black president, therefore we need a brother in the office," or that because he's a democrat and they only support democrats. forget about how much difference he can or can't make, or anything else that could be crucial, theyll vote for the reasons that have nothing to do with anything other then the title or the race or the empty words that he spews that were written by some professional guy who knows how to write manipulating speeches. it makes me sad seeing all this hype and people who buy into it. even reading trojanma's blog, somebody who doesnt necessarily know that much about politics, and seeing him blindly supporting Obama and hating on Mccain makes me confused. are people that gullible? and the sad truth is yes they are.

Obama is like any other guy that came before him, he aint special. he has people training him how to speak, what to say, and how to say it. he has vocal couches, and public speaking couches. when i was seeing that Obama/Mccain talk (when Obama went first and then Mccain came out, and shook Obama's hand), Obama wouldn't even give a direct answer to most of the questions because he was afraid to lose votes. he didn't wanna co-side with this group and he didn't wanna co-side with that group, so in the end he wins because both groups will say "wow, what a great guy! im gonna vote for him!" you may fool all these other people, but you not fooling me. what a bunch of horse shit. This is why if i vote, which i most likely won't because i myself just got into watching news and following politics this summer, i will vote for Mccain. and i don't care if he's a conservative. to me that has nothing to do with anything. when i heard him talk, he really understands and knows about so many problems of the world instead of trying to sound like he's some know-it-all and "im gonna make a difference and be the superman that this country needs" brainwashing speeches like Obama gives. seriously, do people really believe Obama when he says shit like hes gonna cut 95% of taxes? or that hes gonna do this and that and the other? i'm willing to bet he's not the first to be speaking all these fairy tales like he's gonna save this nation. i don't trust you or Mccain but at least Mccain has experience. dude been PoW and really sounds like he can lead a nation.

and it really makes me mad that most black people will vote for whoever is black only because he's black. and if a black person really looks into it and votes for who he thinks is the best choice for our president, and if that person happens to be white who is running against somebody black, then the black community will tear that brother apart. and i'm willing to bet that most sheep in the hip hop community will go out and vote for Obama not knowing a thing about politics just because they wanna support the underdog, or they don't wanna look uneducated and uninformed. it's sad and reminds me of the same brainwashed women who do nothing but support women rights and were the first in line to support Hillary based on the fact that she's a woman.

even at this campaign i been volunteering at. the guy is a democrat and he supports Obama. i have not heard 1 good reason why he supports him. and why should i trust these politicians whether they are republicans or democrats? in the end they fuck us over like anybody else, and spend out tax money on the things they never said theyd spend our money on. people really need to wake up, and educate themselves before they start voting and start having real opinions on who they really wanna support. cuz i'm starting to realize most people are clueless and blindly vote because of their family, friends, or community influences.

i do respect Obama after i saw how many things he have accomplished though. i just think he is not anywhere near ready to lead the world's most powerful nation. a guy who is so against war is not somebody who we need right now when tomorrow we would have to go to war and this guy turns soft and lets another nation attack us first. war sucks but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do if you don't wanna crumble as a nation. and that Kerry speech at the Democrat convention was some scary shit. i was watching it and another tv was on in another room. and i swear i felt like its the devil himself talking to the people trying to hypnotize them.

when November comes, i may not be voting altogether, but if i do vote it will not be for Obama i know that much.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

thoughts of hurting others and calling people names

i've been dealing with these thoughts ever since high school. i remember back when we first came here, me, my uncle, my grandma and my step grandpa (RIP to both) were all staying together in a 2 bedroom apartment. my uncle would stay in the living room, grandparents had their own room, and i stayed in the room with my mom (it was a shit hole beyond anything imaginable.) but anyway, when i would walk past my uncle i had thoughts of hurting him. i believe part of it was because i always had very little to no interactions outside of my house. i was always missing the social interactions that most people have on a day to day basis. now i had 1 friend that i always talked to on the phone but he eventually turned out to be a user after he got a new set of friends. and he was just treating me like i'm some accessory he can take and use, and then when he's finished put it back away. so after i didn't wanna be friends with him no more i had no one.

then i remember my mom got me a shrink cuz one time i was so sick (fever), it felt like i was gonna die and i told her it would be good if i died right there. because my life was never shit, and i felt like it would be great if it ended cuz i had nothing and nobody to even talk to. and after i was seeing the shrink she put me on Prozac.

back then i would play b-ball by myself sometimes on the playground not too far away from my house. and this was after i graduated high school and i spent 1 year staying inside my room doing nothing but going to AOL chatrooms and meeting strangers cuz that was my only output with the world. so one time when i was on the playground playing b-ball by myself, there were about 6 black guys playing each other. 2 of them got into a fight and after the dude lost he just wouldnt accept his loss and kept trying to fight the other one. one light skinned guy was like "dude, you lost! you lost! let it go!" but he wouldn't. so anyway, when i was there i kept hearing the word "nigger." nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.. over and over again. i think that partially it was the withdrawal from Prozac because when i'd stop taking the pills i would have weird mental stages like im high on drugs and it feels like im about to spaz out on somebody or scream something out that i dont wanna say. and i think it was also my isolation that got me to that stage. so when i was on the court with black guys i just couldnt shut that voice off. and it's funny because once you experience this stage of hearing voices, it will be the voices that you DO NOT want to say, and that you WILL NEVER say because you're not that type of person to be saying it in the first place. it felt like i had to struggle to keep myself from saying it out loud. i was so scared that i was gonna say it and luckily i didn't.

i have always been drawn to the African American culture, and i've always looked up to these thugs and gang bangers because they know how to live and shit. now of course it's a stupid place to look for roll models but any male who dont got no one will look for them anywhere. so it was like.. of all the people on earth, why the fuck would i be the one saying some racist shit i don't even feel in my heart. and when i heard the Kramer tape, i didn't react to it the same way most people have. a lot of black people probably wanted to hang that dude by the neck. but i was just like whoa... this could be the stage that i've experienced. only this guy has actually went through it and said what he would himself never say. and that saying that goes something like "inactive mind is the devil's tool." that is the realest shit i ever heard. i never read books, never watched news, never knew or try to know what's going on outside of my life. so that combination of isolation and loneliness was slowly driving my mind insane.

but nowadays, i don't have much thoughts of hurting people (i do, but it's mostly fantasies opposed to thoughts i don't wanna have) but i still have the racist thoughts coming in and out. like i got off the bus today, and there was a black elderly couple. and the first word that popped in my head was "nigger." and i'm like wtf!!! i don't wanna say it but it just pops up. i don't know how to stop this poison and i also don't want it to get worse. like i don't want to hear voices telling me to do shit, and i've heard of cases with people like that following whatever the fuck they heard a voice tells them to do. it's some scary shit, but it is real.

so yeah, i hope this semester is gonna keep me busy with work and i'll read more to keep my mind occupied. i just wish i had some circle of friends to hang out with. but one thing for sure though-no more weed! i been smoking almost every day for the last 1 to 2 weeks cuz i knew it was my last days of freedom (had to hide it and shit cuz my folks found out so i had to smoke at night when they sleeping blowing the smoke out of my window.) but from now on i'll do it maybe once or week or even a month. i did my fingerprints today for my internship and i don't even know maybe they'll have drug tests then i'll have to quit for sure. and on top of that my license expire next month so i'll just go buy a shit load of ganja and keep it just in case i get really depressed. that's it for now.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

one more

didnt even like this the first time i heard it.

new music

the more i listen to hip-hop, the less i care about the lyrics. that's why i'm beginning to like instrumentals more then i like the songs themselves..

but i love this song! them futuristic, modern, techno beats are the shit!!!!!! this is the type of music that makes me wanna get up and dance my ass off. and i rarely feel that way. listening to this makes me see how much some people really love to dance. maybe they feel that way about every song they like..

i wonder which hoods they were showing in this video..


Thursday, August 21, 2008

i may move to China

today i had to work and there was a new guy. he is from China and told me about the culture there. he said the rent there is mad cheap and racism is almost non-existent. so if i make $1500 a month i can get a great 1 bedroom for around 100 and everything is open almost 24/7.

i may get a job there after i'm done with my internship, and move there. i know this sounds crazy but maybe this is exactly what i need-to get away from everybody and everything. also, he said that unlike here in America, in China they love foreigners. so i'll be living like a king who is treated like a movie star. it's definitely something to think about and i got almost a whole year ahead of me. who knows maybe this will be not such a bad idea after all. he was mainly talking about Beijing, but if i decide to go i'd wanna go to Hong Kong.

craigslist woman

this shit is funny. i dont know why i find it funny but i do.



Single attractive employed black female seeks to start a relationship with a single attractive white male. I am a NON SMOKER and you must be the same. Not interested in those who are merely trying to satisfy some fantasy. I am turned off by tattoos and body piercings and those who live off others and still live with parents or have roommates. I do travel and love the outdoors. I enjoy jazz and blues but will listen to most music expect heavy metal and rap. I like professional sports football, basketball, golf, hockey etc............I am a social drinker and a non drug user. I would like to meet someone between the ages of 40 and 50 only. IMPORTANT NOTE: IF YOU ARE RESPONDING PLEASE PROVIDE A PHOTO FIRST by the way.................I do have two cats


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Internship Process

today i had an appointment at 10am to do the process for my internship. these guys are official! there is a court room in the building that they use from time to time, judges, lawyers, the whole 9. omg i didn't even realize it was this serious until i went there today. i am so excited about this internship and school starts next week! i better get my shit together before monday. i got room to organize, old files to go through and a bunch of other stuff to do.

and i haven't cut my hair for the entire summer! i look like Al Pacino in Serpico. I better do that this week too.

Monday, August 18, 2008

i feel like i just swallowed a spider

i dont know why i felt that way for the last 2 hours ever since it felt like something fell from my throat and i swallowed it.

maybe it's cuz im high but i was real freaked out ealier. felt like i swallowed some alien or some shit and it's eating itself through my organs.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

World of Warcraft Music

i had to record this right here. Blizzard is classic when it comes to games quality and this right here proves it.

this is some tribal shit right here. makes me feel like im still a mammal that lives in the cave like back in the old cave times and shit. like the Shamans practicing spiritual rituals or something. this right here spiritual, and i wish i could be more connected to it somehow.

Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away - pt. III

my uncle came to visit me today cuz he wanted my mom and a friend to come to the cemetery for my grandma. because she kept showing up in his dreams and he wouldnt visit her before she died so he felt guilty. but anyway he showed up and i showed him all the pics of our neighborhood. that was the 2nd house he grew up in until he moved out after graduating college i think. he told me a lot shit about our neighborhood and i want to write it down.

this right here was our storages. each family in our apartment building had 1 storage. so when my uncle was a kid he'd climb up on the roof of the storages and go inside the school building that had a whole bunch of supplies like wood and stuff. he'd steal whatever he needed and climb back out on the weekend. he said that they moved in our house back in 1957 (will edit after confirm with my mom.) when he was around 10, he'd go out hanging out with his friends all day until like 11pm. and one time his mom, my grandma (R.I.P.) was waiting for him at the door when he came home late and was all screaming and yelling. then took the radio he put together himself, and threw it at him.

across the street from our building there was a house that Greeks lived in. one time a little girl from that house went missing. and later on somebody found her dead in this park not too far away called "The Botanic Garden" (will confirm with my mom about the name.) they found her raped and stabbed about 20 times, so ever since then all the kids' moms wouldn't let their children out on the street. and my uncle told me they were all scared to go anywhere, especially near that house, because they thought it could be them next. but after a few days everything went back to normal. and when i was living there, i remember one time we had a cannibal that ate some woman in an elevator on another side of the city. the police were looking for him, and we were all shook going out at night. i was even scared to cross the street when visiting my dad after dark. i'd sneak in slowly to our gate, and then when there were no cars on the street i'd cross as fast as i could.

another thing he told me was that we had this neighbor that had cats. dude would have so many cats that whenever he'd feed them in his storage, there were like 20 cats all over mewawing. it was crazy, and also he said that at night cats would make noise, they would have sex and cry like babies do. and i personally remember this. we were so tired of cats making noise at night that when i had a dog, one time he wouldn't come home and ran outside chasing and barking at the cats so the neighbors got even more pissed. but anyway when my uncle was growing up he said that they'd complain to the government about the problem with cats but no one gave a fuck. so him and his friends would throw big rocks at cats whenever seeing them trying to kill them. then at the end that old man took all the cats to some animal control shelter or whatever it was called back there, put them all to sleep and made hats out of them.

and it's funny because i asked him if he remembers Uzbeks coming around trying to mess with young guys in our building, he said he doesn't remember that. and that it was "probably" like that when i was growing up there. i guess when the government converted the school we stayed next to, things changed for the worst. i still feel like i live there sometimes because no matter where i go, at some point i wanna go somewhere new and forget everything and everybody from the past. it's like i wanna start my life fresh but when i go somewhere new, my old ways of doing things get the best of me.

Friday, August 8, 2008

3 hours of sleep & this song rocks

couldnt sleep again as always. 7 hours of sleep within the last 2 days, but this song is classic

Thursday, August 7, 2008


i stayed up all night as i planned on doing and fell asleep a 1pm. then at around 5 somebody called me on the phone, and it pissed me off because people dont usually call me ever since i got a new #. i tried to go back to sleep but couldnt. just laid there in bed for 1 hour.

falling asleep for me is really hard, i mean really hard. i think it's because i cant stop thinking and also because of my irregular schedule, as well as not caring about staying up since i got no life. like id say i go to bed at 12, and then once its 12 ill break the rules and say 1. then 1 turns into 2 and i end up going to bed at 3. then lay there in bed until 5 and miraculously falling asleep close to 6. thats how it was last night, minus the sleep.

ok im really gonna try my best to go to bed 12-1 every night and wake up at 8 or 9 am. that is my goal because once school starts with me having this internship coming up in the fall, it's gonna be intense and ill need a regular schedule. i must do this because i'm tired of treating my body like shit. and also if i have my shit together then this could be my last semester in college.

24 Hour Cycle, part IV

its 5:45am right now and im doing the cycle again. i gotta work friday morning and if i sleep tonight there is no way im waking up tomorrow earlier then 1. and if that happens id probably go to bed at like 3 or 4 and fall asleep at 7 or 8 cuz id be all worrying about falling asleep knowing i gotta work in the morning. so id get 3 hours of sleep and be miserable and like a zombie at work. no thank you. id rather stay up and level up my Druid. he's 57 now, im gonna push it and hopefully get him to 70 in 2 days. Druid is the funnest and best class i ever played.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

the funnest time i ever had playing a Video Game

ok so today i was on my Druid and im leveling him in this city right. and this city is infamous for people of the opposite fraction killing you on sight. i mean like you cant even walk inside peacefully, even if youre not bothering anyone, do what you need to do and leave. if you not sneaky and dont use stealth, good luck cuz youre fucked. and i got so frustrated i started cussing them all out and they all laughing at me as they kill me every time. so i go log onto my Night Elf Rogue and go to one of my main cities. I get about 20 guys with me (took a while cuz people kept leaving as i was inviting them) and we all go raid that town. OMG!!! it was the funnest time i ever had!

the town we raided is basically like this. for example, there are bloods (Alliance) and there are crips (Horde). the crips spend all their time staying in the town and waiting for bloods to come to chase them and kill them. so if youre a blood, leveling there or buying something in that town is impossible. so i take 20 bloods and go rape all the crips. it was hysterical. we are all there laughing and enjoying ourselves while these idiots complain in the general chat "noob allies blah blah blah" lmfao. i swear this was the funnest and funniest time i ever had in a video game. one guy was even filming it said hell put it on youtube lol!!!!!

so my plan is this. im gonna level my Druid to 70 and by the weekend hell be ready. then go raid some instances a few times, get all epic gear, and then once im geared up im gonna go do this again. and we left the town cuz some of our guys started crying "lets go raid a big city! lets go raid a big city", so after 30 mins i was like fuck it lets go. but raiding a big city is suicidal. there is 70s there in and out constantly. so that Hollywood moment of owning the place lasted for about 5 maybe 10 mins tops. but that one town is the greatest town of all to go to and do revenge in because we own that city for as long as we stay in it if we're 20 deep or even 15. and the funniest part is that the crips keep coming and keep coming and keep coming, and we keep killing and keep killing and keep killing. so once the weekend comes and my Druid is all ready and geared up, it's payback time! these idiots are gonna pay, run, and cry once again "waaaaaaaaah yo all are noobs waaaaaaah why you kill me?" hahahahahaha!!!!!!!! leveling different characters is fun and all but this is the greatest time i ever had playing a video game.. EVER!!!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Medellin case

this Jose Medellin is a real piece of shit. he's gonna get executed August 5th which is tomorrow. i was just thinking about how he feels right now. his insides are probably boiling, or maybe he's immune and doesn't care. either way guys like this deserve the worst punishment in the CJ system. after reading what him and his friends did to the 2 girls i can't even look at his pic without feeling utter disgust. and when it comes to capital punishment, Texas don't play.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

24 Hour Cycle, part III

so this week on Wednesday, July 30th, i stayed up all night again. my third time in like a few months and i have a feeling i may be doing it again. i got high as a kite too because i thought if i do this again may as well go all out and get fucked up. my first time getting high when not sleeping. so on thursday i was up the whole day until like 11:30pm or so.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Cops with Guns

so i was sitting here reading Jena 6 case on wikipedia then i decided to go in the kitchen and eat some fruits. then i come in the living room, with my folks being gone and all, and i see 3 cops with guns out going into this neighbors backyard across the street ready for action. then another cop car pulls up as backup, now it's 5 cops. the owner comes out and asks them what's going on and they tell her. even though i didn't hear em clearly, i think they were looking for somebody. then another cop car parks near by and there is 7 cops out on the street. now they all trying to investigate the same house and a few other houses next to it. they ring door bells and ask the neighbors about some info.

so then another car comes and there is like 9 cops, and 4 cop cars parked on the street. that's not to mention there was a 5th car driving by and didn't stop (i guess making sure everything was safe.)

this neighborhood is a trip. it is currently being gentrified. many Asians, as well as Whites and other backgrounds of different races, are moving in and buying houses. but the black youth is still going back and forth killing each other, having gang members hanging out at the park, and they are the only ones that are in some deep trouble. i really wanna know what happened though. because i know it must have been some serious shit.