Thursday, September 30, 2010

Today I'm 31

I do feel like I just hit 21 or so as far as my life experiences, or lack of.

I took the day off today, talked to my employment agent for future opportunities, got me some snickers, white ts, and goodies from whole foods. I got me some expensive organic stuff. gotta treat myself once in a while.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Will I always be alone?

I can't sleep... again... even thought I had 3 consecutive nights of sleep, and was just thinking about quitting my job. In this messed up economy I wanna quit my job. Can you believe that? They use me, abuse me.. I'm the "data entry guy". We got people who came there months after me and they already doing some advanced stuff, when I am the copy/paste guy. I understand I'm the fastest with typing but.. WTF!?!?!

but the point of this blog is... I got no girl, no friends, and not even a soul to call to and be like... "yo... my day went like this.. this that and the other happened... what about you?" not even a miserable fuck like myself to call. Jesus Christ, what will happen to me? Will I die alone?

I have had worst luck with things ever since I moved to LA. My health is going down hill. As a result of my job and doing data entry 8 hours a day, and I mean INTENSE data entry. They want things done quick and I am the guy for the job, I have a bone that grew on my wrist, my hands hurt on top and I feel bad in my bones. I turn 31 in a few days, so will I have fucked up hands with arthritis by the time I'm 35???

Moving sucks.. really badly. It is by far the hardest thing I ever done in life.. one of anyway. Not the moving itself, but finding a place. I haven't really taken it seriously cuz I am using tools provided by this Shaman I saw and see if things get better which they have a lil, but she never even called me back. I hope she is busy and not just leaving me hanging like every other person in my life.

You know.. I have come far. Being negative to being positive, and accepting myself maybe not 100% fully but more than I ever had. But I am still in a rut and it is HARD AS HELL to get out of it. It's like being in a ghetto. It takes an ENORMOUS amount of will power, and intensity to get out when every single force in the Universe is doing everything to keep you there.

I don't even use my PC most of the time at home. I want my hands rested cuz they hurt. 2 of my teeth are fucked up cuz this dentist screwed me up. I can't chew on them and couldn't since like March. Already spent 1g on fixing teeth, now I probably will have to spend more than that getting them repaired. ahh.. there goes my savings money I saved up. if I listed all my problems... I wouldn't even want to actually. too much stuff going on, and not a soul to tell about it. Mom pops lives right here in same city, and he doesn't even know what is going on with me. Fuck my life. BUT.... I will think positive and look for solutions to fix all this craziness. I have to, or things will get even worse.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Just as I thought

so I sneaked in last night to that 'potential' apartment I was thinking of moving. at first it was kinda quiet, that I got nervous on some 'this is weird.. it's too quiet for me. will it always be like this?' then i thought "bring the noise" kinda jokingly. then eventually fell asleep on the floor at 1:30amsh... time goes by.... 3:30am......... BAAAAAH WWAAAAAH *LOUD NOISE COMING FROM THE WALL* what do you know... it's the neighbors watching their tv. 3:30 in the morning. LOUD AS FIZUK. so loud I thought to myself "i better put my earplugs on". Then the second later I realized they were on, lol...

I was like okay... technically I am not here so I can't do nothing. 10 mins.. 20 mins.. same thing... I started banging on the wall at the bottom to make it look like im banging from the floor below. nothing... did it again.. they bang back... then like 10 mins later people started hitting their ceiling from below. over and over and over... i was like wow... this is life...

the second this happened i was like.... wow.... is there no decent human beings in this apartment complex? these are an OLD.. keyword... 'old' Korean couple. They wouldn't even open their door for me when i wanted to talk to them that day earlier about if there is any noise in the area. "who is this?" "what you want?"... so eventually someone started to BANG on their door and they cut the tv off. from 3 to 4 am they wouldnt budge. probably watching their show.

i dont know what im gonna do.. i really dont know. my only options are going there tonight if this neighbor of mine won't let me sleep and do test #2. if that doesnt work start looking for a place ASAP, and i already have last night a little bit. get a lawyer to write a letter to break the lease.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I am outta Here!!!

So this past Saturday I saw a Shaman, and told her all my problems beneath my problems. She did the auric cleansing, and then told me to check back with her next week. From all the research I've been doing on all the Shamans, she was the only one who actually wanted to give me tools so I can use to help myself further. Others are just overpriced and they leave you hanging after-wards. Anyway, last night I had 3 hours of sleep because of this PIECE OF SHIT NEIGHBOR!!! OMFFFFFFFFGGGGGGG, he smokes cigarettes and COUGHS all fucking night!!! And as hard as it is for me to fall asleep, once I awoke last night I just knew that IM OUTTA HERE!!!!! Yes, I have a lease that is like for 5 more months, and yes there are clicking noises that are loud as hell. I looked them up and it seems like the way this cheap ass building was built. They are the nails popping on the roof, and I am on the highest floor. Quiet a few other people had these problems. It can be quiet scary, even with me wearing earplugs it gets extremely loud. I saw another place in this apartment complex but it's most likely the same. I will sleep there tomorrow and see how it goes (left it unlocked). So, if that doesn't work out, which it won't, I will have a lawyer write a letter to the manager to get me outta this lease.

It's 4am right now and this PIECE OF SHIT woke me up... AGAIN!!! Arghh I hate this cunt. I wish he would disappear form the face of the earth.

But last week I was seeing weird #s. Like I would see the # of my building, and then "For Rent" signs 3 or 4 times in a row. I was like "is that my guides trying to tell me to move"? Then after I said I'm moving last night I had 222 appear to me at work twice. I googled it and it said that it means that whatever thoughts you have, you are on the right path. And that it is my angels and/or guides communicating with me, or something I forget. Now I woke up just now, I went to the bathroom, come back and check the clock.... 333. Now as I am typing this blog and look at the clock at the bottom... 444 am.

I've been seeing a lot of these #s withing the last 6 months or so... 111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 777.. the other types too but not as frequent.

All I know is that I AM OUTTA HERE!!! I don't care what it takes. I will start looking tomorrow in north of L.A.. Hopefully close to nature, and I don't care if it's with roommates. I live in my own place and I feel like I'm living with roommates. I need to be around people with 9 to 5s that are quiet and respectful. Someone who understands my need for peace, and quiet when it's time to sleep. I got about 5 hours of sleep and I really hope I'm gonna sleep some more. My heart feels funny, and I'm really concerned for my health. How long will my body take this abuse until it gives out on me?

I took this abuse for 4 and a half months, and in my last place it was for 3 months before I made 100% decision to move. I am sick and tired of sacrificing myself and stay passive. HELL TO THE NO!!! I gotta take care of myself, because if I don't then who will? No one gives a crap.

So, yeah.. it's 5am now and I'll try to get some sleep...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lucid Dreaming

Okay, so I wasn't going to post this but I promised myself that if I have my 3rd lucid dream I will make a post. So here it is.

Lucid dreaming has got to be one of the funnest things you could do in your life outside of your every day reality. A lucid dream is basically you 'waking up' in a dream you are having. Ever since I started recording my dreams in a journal, I noticed that my dreams are miles upon miles away. It's as if I am so far away from my body that I don't even realize where I am and what I am doing. That's beside the fact that I don't even realize that I'm dreaming, which is the most important part about most of our dreams; we do not know we are dreaming until we wake up.

I haven't wrote down anything in my dream journal in the last few weeks for reasons I will not state, but my very first Lucid Dream happened exactly 15 days after doing the exercises and keeping track of all my dreams in my journal. The 2nd lucid dream happened 21 days after that, and the 3rd was this Saturday (now that I think about it, it happened on 9/11 around 3am pacific time). I wasn't trying to lucid dream for months now, but it just happened.

What you need to do to start inducing lucid dreaming:

1) Dream journal to write all your dreams in every morning/night you wake up. I would highly suggest writing them down the second you wake up. But if you have a really hard time going back to sleep like me, then record them when you wake up in the morning.

2) Doing reality checks "am I dreaming?" > look at the back of your hands (videos below)

3) Telling yourself "I will induce a lucid dream", "I will have the most vivid lucid dream tonight", or anything of that nature. Create your own affirmation, and say it out loud before going to bed.

Watch these videos. They are very helpful

Ironically, this last lucid dream I had was after watching this video

I have also heard that if you meditate for prolong periods of time (1, 2, 3 years), you will start naturally to lucid dream. So, meditation could also improve your chances on inducing lucid dreams.

I'm not trying to lucid dream at the moment. The last just happened I don't know why exactly. And it was cool as hell! I was lucid for about 5 seconds before waking up, lol.