I just had oral sex for the first time in my life!
I know I blogged about how I like Trannies earlier, but long story short. I been having a fucking OCD with craigslist casual encounters. and finally made a posting yesterday since today is my birthday looking for a Tranny. one replied but was very vague.
I thought to self 'go out today', or maybe it was just a thought come up on its own. It's my b/d, wtf am I gonna do? every year same shit. stay home, jerk off to porn, and uh... just feel like shit about my existence.
So the tranny told me where she stays and she has an amazing thick ass in the pics. I really thought she was a hooker so I thought fuck it, I'm going anyway. went out to my tranny bar and had a bad experience there. was talking to this dude next to me about the 3 trannies near us, and winked at one of them. She waived for me to come to her, and I did. I was sooooooooooooooo nervous the whole time. I haven't been out in a long ass time and my PTSD was through the roof. I came over there chit chatting and told her 'you're drunk. you're wasted'. She got really fucking mad. made a gesture to leave, and then started cussing me out "faggot" across the bar, then I sat behind her at the table she kept saying "pale white boy. look at you, you see a girl you run" I was like damn how she know my fear of women and I started to feel very bad. Like I am already having a really hard time accepting myself, and what I look like. now this bitch telling me how bad I look and how pale. That really made me feel horrible inside. I felt like I started to get red and wanted to get a tan ASAP! I just looked in the bathroom mirror and I'm white as a ghost. It really is disgusting. It's like I'm sick or something. fuck!!!
So I told the dude I was chit chatting with I'm out and left. the Tranny, and I really wanted to fuck her btw, kept looking at me as I was walking away. she had another dude there now who bought her beer and was gonna give her a ride home. damn, I really am new at this whole social game, especially in the night at bars and clubs. I feel like a little baby who gets eaten by lions every time something like this happens. this guy knows exactly what he's doing and I'm making mistakes left and right and pay real high prices for it.
then I leave and go to a pickup bar but it's dead! it's around 1:30am and most people left. I don't even go in and call the tranny from cl. She tells me cross streets where she's at and I go to my car, and drive there. I get there, park, and she doesn't pick up. the place looks ghetto. the streets are vacant. all sorts of shit going through my mind. I get nervous and think she is an undercover cop. I txt her and finally get a txt back. 5 mins of waiting outside near trees so I won't get spotted and she opens a door. I get inside and think she gonna murder me or some shit with some people upstairs. I ask if she wanna go outside and talk. she goes no its okay let's go to my room. We get to her room. she lives in an apt she shares with family. she looked meh when I first see her, but when I get into her room I see her thickness, her curves, tits, and damn I'm like niiiice! We talk a lil and I ask her about her. She just wanna have fun, and not a hooker. I'm surprised, and lil bit more talk we start making out. I touch her legs and ass. I tell her I wanna see her naked. so she takes her clothes off as I do too.
The thing that really made it all weird is the dim lighting. it was a green light and very dim. I asked her to turn the lights on. she says that's as bright as they go. WTF!?!?!?! the whole time from the get go since we emailing it was like she got something to hide and acting weird. she wouldn't even wanna tongue kiss. I caress her body and start licking her tits. not gonna go into more details but long story short. we put condoms on and did a 69. it was... weird. I sucked a tranny's dick... with a condom on... meh... she started sucking mine, and the whole time even before she went down on me I was like 'careful, you'll make me cum' every time she'd touch my cock. so, about 15 seconds into her sucking me off... cuz I was doing it kinda half assed and also she said she cannot cum since she been on hormones for so long. she gotta have someone fuck her for like 30 mins in order to cum... I cum... I was like fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!! nooooooooooooo! I told her 'I hate cummin'. But when I cum, I feel disgusted. I feel like 'wtf am I doing here? I don't wanna be here. this is weird'. I keep apologizing but she says 'it's okay, it's okay. I gotta sleep anyway and wake up at 6 in the morning for work.
I leave her place and tell her 'I'll call you', not knowing whether or not that will be the case... I get in my car and... the only thoughts I have are... SEX IS DUSGUSTING!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!! IT SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I drive home shocked and having different emotions run through me. on one hand this tranny cussing me out at a bar making me feel horrible about the whole experience, on the other hand this other tranny blew me and I came. that was my first sexual experience with ANYONE. she was still acting weird 'what type of things do you like to do with a guy?' her: ummm... everything... I'm like WTF!?!?!? what you mean? what do you want bitch!!!!????? she was vague the whole time like this.
I drove back home, parked, and spent 20 fucking minutes walking back and forth on my block. I couldn't believe it... THIS IS SEX!?!?!?!?!?!?? SICKENING!!!!!!!!!!!! DISGUSTING!!! I can't even imagine having sex with a woman and then impregnating her. wtf happened to all those years of me practicing Tantric sex. hours upon hours of masturbating sessions without me cumming and I cum in 15 seconds!?!?!? WTF!?!!?!!?!? I guess sex really is different then masturbation. my god. I couldn't think. I wanted to be outside... all the time. I couldn't come inside and kept thinking how disgusting sex is. I haven't even had sex technically, and still a virgin. but I bust my first nut inside a tranny's mouth with a condom, and had her cock inside my mouth with a condom as well. it was fucking bleeeeeeeehhhh. wtf? I don't get it. all those fantasies of watching tranny porn. I was so hard and turned on with that tranny, even though she was 15 years older than in her pics. her body was still banging though. AND THIS WAS SEX!?!?!?????
I just feel........ different. like something stroke a cord inside of me. why the fuck I chase or used to chase women in the streets? FOR THIS!?!!??!?! only to have sex and have some random bitch call me and tell me she's pregnant and to get my whole life of freedom ruined? FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even know if I want trannies anymore. sex is just DISGUSTING!!!!!!!! WTF!?!?!!?!?!??!!??? this is the strangest birthday I ever had, and ironically I have no one to share it with but my blog. I may share it with one dude at work who said he'll take me out and show me the ropes of the bar scene... he knows I like trannies too... he even knew I was a virgin too, but I had to lie. if we go hanging out tonight, I'll tell him everything.
but fuck me... SEX IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SICK, OVERRATED PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt as disgusted when I came as when I first came with semen. without semen nuts were amazing and fulfilling. once I came with cum for the first time, I felt disgusted and sick to my stomach. I didn't want to look at a woman or want to think about fucking her, and this was back before my tranny fetish when I was attracted to girls 100%. I felt the same way tonight.
I gotta wake up in 5 fucking hours and I had 3 fucking hours of sleep last night. But man this birthday I really went out with a bang. I just stopped giving a fuck anymore, so I went all out. I feel like I made progress, but not sure what to feel about this whole human experience any longer. I feel like this changed me somehow. I'm just not sure how, exactly. I guess I'll find that out tomorrow at work.