Thursday, May 29, 2008

Making Excuses for Talking to Women

Today i was on the train going to Oakland for my dentist appointment, and as i get on all the seats were taken so i stood not too far away from this girl. She glanced at me when i wasnt looking and i did the same to her a few moments later. so at some point she was kinda trying to get my attention and i looked directly at her until she looked away. then i was like oh shit oh shit this is it. and then i did what i always do in situations like this, i started making excuses. the excuse this time was "i dont wanna be late for my appointment". now i could've gotten off the train with her, got her #, and caught the next one. and in my opinion anything would've worked... ANYTHING! hi, hey, excuse me i just wanted to come up to you and say hi, etc.. but i didn't get off.

fear funs me. it runs me like a little bitch. it got me by the balls and i let it control me without doing a damn thing. this girl was fine. i mean she looked cute as hell and had a body like Nivea. She was either Filipino or Chinese. proper attire, sexy as hell showing off her shoulders. and moments like this dont come too often for me because i have a really bad intuition about things. many times my intuition tells me the opposite of what's really going on. so that's another excuse i give myself to not do anything. oh and another major excuse about a situation like this would be "i dont wanna get off the train on the station thats not mine". like i dont wanna be going somewhere im not going. it sucks but i always do this.

its not that bad though beause in the past i would beat myself up over this. in fact, id beat myself up so bad right now id be feeling suicidal. but i feel fine, i dont hate myself or blame myself for not talking to her. what's the point? it's bad enough already, and im just gonna make it worse.

if i talked to women who were as much interested in me as i was in them, i would've probably already had a few girlfriends in my life. but unfortunately that's not the case.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Weird dream & my cell phone

ok, first of just wanna say i charged my brand new phone last night and i wanna know how long can the battery last. i turned it on today at 3pm.

second, i had a really weird dream last night. i was in some room with a little tiny dog. the little dog would act like she is some sort of a princess. and there was a few other animals in the room. i remember a big dog and it picked up the little tiny dog with its jaws trying to carry her somewhere so i was trying to save it. then the little dog turned into a girl that still acted like a princess. and then my friend told me its not really a girl but a trannie. she looked really young, about 18 or maybe 19 years old. so then somehow me and that trannie girl ended up chilling on a bed just talking. there were a few guys walking by us in the room. one of the guys stopped and was talking to the girl about how men act or some shit. and she was relating to him all laughing. she was really socially calibrated, like new york from vh1. so anyway, we laying there and she starts telling me about her relationships. she tells me how shes single at the moment or dont gotta boyfriend or some shit. and then says "what about you, you gotta girlfriend?" and im like no. she goes why dont you have a girlfriend? so i have this really sad look on my face and say "its a looong story". then our faces were really close and it was that moment. so i leaned in and kissed her. after we made out i undress her top and started sucking on her right tit then her left. i felt so inexperienced and new, it was like one of those dreams in slow motion where you wanna go faster but you cant. its like time is slowed down by 3x and you cant do anything about it.

so im thinking to myself "am i really gonna lose my virginity with a tranny?" and then im like im weird anyway might as well embrace my weirdness. and thats when it eneded. the rest of the dream was really weird. the girl kept turning into different people and the last person she turned into was some skinny ass version of herself. first ignoring me, then trying to get my attention, it was weird.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Root Canal

just came from Oakland. this is my last root canal ever. thank GOD! i gotta go back next week to cement the crown on permanently and then i'm done!

my mom's dentist screwed me over and i couldnt chew on my tooth for almost 10 years. my ass is so lazy i didnt care that much so i waited until the crown came out to do a root canal.

school is over and im finally free!! at least for like 2 weeks till the summer school starts. im gonna go play some WoW i got a whole day to waste doing nothing.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Having overprotective mother sucks!!

All my life my mom been overprotective. she told me very little about the world and what is going on in it. but at least she told me something; my piece of shit dad never spoke of anything other then what show on tv is funny or what cartoon is fun to watch.

anyway, my mom protected me from the world a little too much. and now when i have all these problems, people have a really hard time understanding me. i'm talking about just functioning in the world and being part of society. i got women problems, people problems, or just surviving and shit, having a 9 to 5, paying rent, etc.. i never done any of that and have no clue what it's like to live and survive on my own.

miraculously i had a talk with my mom about this. i never usually talk to her cuz i hate it. all my anger and frustration bottles up when i talk to her. deep down i know that a big part of who i am today has to do with her upbringing so i resent speaking to her. so i told her everything i think and she apologized. the way the convo started was from me needing info about my dad cuz i was writing this paper about how parents dont listen to their children. and i was writing about how many parents have no power in their own life so they act like control freaks around their children. and how my dad would act like that and have power trips with me. and if i did or say anything hed act tough with me, and smack me upside my head if he felt like it. but in public dude is a pussy, he'd never act tough with strangers just me as a little kid growing up.

so my mom had a problem with some guys from the mafia. she had a whole bunch of shit going on, and at some point was scared for her life. but she told me very little. i lived with her but knew maybe about 15% of what was going on. fast forward to today, it's the same shit. i'm living in a city but know very little what is going on around me. in fact, i dont care! i have all these life problems that it makes me apathetic to all this other shit that is going on in the world. i got PTSD, ADD, social anxiety, and many other shitty problems i been dealing with since like high school. but i just finished this trauma recovery workshop and it helped a lot to learn on why i act the way i do. maybe ill talk about that next time. that's it for now.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Just got a Hair Cut plus done with 1 of my finals...

got a hair cut today; was trying to get a hair cut last sunday but they were closed.

im done with my juvenile justice class. i think i did good on the test. i love my voice recorder. love it! i got ADD so i cant focus when im in class but when i record lectures is about 100x better then taking notes. listened to the last few lectures 3 times each. i hope i get a B in this class, or at least pass it with a C.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Fat Bitch in my class trying to use me

on tuesday this one fat bitch started talking to me. now generally im not against fat people, but in this case its an exception. she's in my other class so she asked me about what the teacher was talking about last week and then asked to burrow my notes. so im like i cant let you burrow it because i gotta use em to study for the final. then she goes "can i photocopy them", so i say to her yeah sure. then the bitch goes "do you have a scantron" cuz we gotta bring our own on the day of the final and i was like uuuhhhhhh......... no. then she goes "can you make those copies for me and bring them the next class? i will give you the money" i was like ummmmmm... so shes like "oh i dont want to interrupt your schedule and make you do something you cant blah blah blah". i said if you want you can make copies after the next class in the library. and that was that. i saw this bitch today and did nothing. after the class was over i did what i needed to do and split.

fuck that fat ass lazy hoe! fuck her!!! i just want to thank all those people who have used me and treated me like shit in the past. because of all that i can see exactly what is going on. this stupid fat ass bitch was trying to use me. "can i burrow notes?" yes, "can you photocopy them for me?", "do you have a scantron". BITCH DO I EVEN KNOW YOU!? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!??? I JUST MET YOU AND YOU ALREADY WANT ME TO DO YOU ALL THESE FAVORS???? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FAT ASS, LAZY, NON-EXERCISING, KFC EATING, PORK CHOP LICKING, RIB STROKING ASS BITCH!!!!!!!! TAKE YOUR FAT LAZY ASS AND DO WHAT YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE, STOP TRYING TO HAVE OTHERS DO YOU FAVORS! DUMB HOE!

the fucked up part about this is that there are people who would do these favors for her. they are nice individuals who have very little experience with people in this life. if this happened to me a year ago, i would 1) do every single thing she asked for, except maybe the scantron since i didnt have it, 2) when seeing this rhinoceros today i would come up to her (yes, i was that clueless and innocent) and say to her "here is your stuff". and all this bitch would do next is think of some new ways to use me for her purposes.

im sitting there in the same class and a girl next to me dropped her notes; one note ended up falling next to me. i looked over and did nothing. it felt so fucking good not picking it up for her. what the fuck is the point of always being nice to others when they just see that and try to take advantage of it? fuck them! the only person i will be loyal to and help if i can is me, fuck everybody else! especially these same fucking bitches who act oh so nice when they just trying to find out what they can get out of you without doing shit in return.

piece of shit ass walrus looking ass mother fucka!!!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Bad Dreams

i had really bad dreams last night. it was one nightmare after another.

Me and some friend were hanging out with this cool alpha guy. We were doing something maybe with other people, possibly my family. Then me, my friend that i dont even know in real life, and the alpha guy went outside. The alpha guy, who is really cool, easy to talk to, and very likable type of selfish dude, starts driving his car real fast. So we driving and he speeds up real fast. There are oncoming cars but he just swerves around them lane to lane. He is real laid back and fun to hang out with. then we get to this street with a dead end, and there is a left or a right turn. We still in a car and he shows us his gun. I tell him something like "are you a killer?" and he gives me this "of course not" look but underneath i could tell he's lying. He spotted me seeing through his bullshit and right at that moment im holding his gun in my hand and the cops pull us over. I say "im not gonna snitch on you" and hide the gun. The cops got us 3 against the wall of the dead end street with our hands behind our back. Then all of the sudden they all take blood samples from our backs and the alpha guy panics. he panics so bad he acts like his life is over and he about to go to prison.

then the dream drifted to me hanging out with my cousin, the same cousin who went MIA. so me and him leave my place which seems to be some new house i never been to before. I have a dog that i leave inside. So we both go to this place and it looks like some sort of a big house with many stories, id say about 8 or 10. in the middle of the house there are rails that go in a circle just like in a mall. so you could just look down from the highest floor and see the ground 10 stories beneath. we hanging out on like floor 5 just sitting there on these couches that look just like the ones at a mall. then someone screams and a woman is falling from the higher floor hitting herself against each rail she's flying by. then there is like 1 more, or maybe 2 more women falling the same way one after another. i was really freaked out by all this.

then we both come back to my place and my dog is barking. i open up the door and the dog seemed to be a talking dog who just snitched on me. then my soon to be step dad tells me that i gotta move out or my cousin gotta leave and can't stay with me.

then the 3rd dream is vague that i dont remember much. i was hanging out with some friend driving somewhere. we stop and pick up this other guy, then keep driving. we get to this street that is real narrow with a wall on the right side and it's blocked by this concreat that's about 5 feet tall and 5 feat squared. the little wall is connected to this lil bridge that is connected to some house. then my soon to be step dad comes out of the house and we all scatter. jump over the wall, i avoid him and i don't remember what was after that.

these were all straight nightmares i woke up all freaked out. didn't have enough time to blog this in the morning, next time though.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

I think i just pushed away my childhood friend

i sent her an e-mail weeks ago and haven't heard back. damn, i think i did it. i must've said something to offend her and pushed her away. why do i always do this? push people away from me. it's as if i dont want nobody to be close to me. and no matter how much i want the connection and the relationships with people, at some point i will do something on a subconscious level that will make them leave. it's like i'm doing it without knowing i'm doing it until it's over.

i hope this is not the case with her, but it could be. this is why i always think negative when i have any sort of connections with others. i know what is going on and it's just a matter of time before i say something or do something that will make them leave.

i just e-mailed her; hopefully i'll get a reply. if not then shit... guess there goes another one of my fucked up "relationships" that goes nowhere 99% of the time.