Monday, December 31, 2007

Its almost 2008, and this is what im up to

Playing my 360 that i bought for myself, and trying to hook up with someone from craiglist. Yeah, kinda lonely but this is what im doing to celebrate a NYE. I was gonna hang out with my soon to be cousin but we hung out yesterday getting high off our asses, and he kinda MIA as of right now so i dont know.

Its all good comes next year and im getting xbox live in the mail, ill be having fun online.

New Years is a few hours away, im here planting seeds online, playing video games, and will be getting blazed within a few. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I saw my dad and told him he was a shitty father

I went to visit my cousin that i havent seen in 3 years, he is like the opposite of me, a tough guy, knows many people, got all the connections. That guy is a pot head so we been getting high on the regular at his place.

My cousin took me to see my dad in LA this sunday the 23rd. It was a trip seeing my father first time in 10 years, he looks kinda old, like he aged, and he is still the same way he was before. I told him everything, all of my life problems, all the things i been going through and dealing with as a result of his shitty upbringing. His mom, my grandma was really concerned cuz i was shaking when talking to him. I was nervous and looked all fucked up, like life hasnt been looking out the best for me. That guy is clueless, he didnt even understand me considering he doesnt speak very good English. It had to be translated to him and shit, and even then i dont think he understood anything. Me and my cousin basically spent around 30 minutes there and left.

I just got a call from him last night when i was high as fuck, he on the phone telling me they love me and want me to be part of their life, he asking me if i wanna move to LA, Im like WELL WTF DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF ME ONCE IM THERE? hes like "to talk" im like i really dont wanna talk to you right now i feel like im talking to a little kid and im not a kid anymore so dont call me for another month.

I am REALLY mad at him, i mean REALLY REALLY mad at him. I dont wanna see his face, dont wanna hear his voice, dude is a fucking stranger to me and i told him that. All those years he took me places when i was a kid it was like hanging out with a stranger. Many of my life problems stem from his upbringing. But i didnt do this to blame him, i just did it for me cuz i needed to let this off my chest. I honestly dont think he can contribute anything to my life, and dont want him in my world. He wants to have a relationship but i dont have anymore patience for having a relationship in which im a kid and hes a dad who doesnt know what to do or say around me.

Im really contemplating on what to do right now, telling him to FUCK OFF or still keep in touch by phone cuz aint no way im going there to see him so that hell wanna go to the movies. He wants to go to the movies and have a son/dad relationship after he played a role of a living spirit who doesnt do anything other then be there physically. Wanna go to the movies? FUCK YOU! dumb ass, what are you thinking? im not a 12 year old anymore, you cant take me to Disneyland and make me wear shorts saying that if i dont we wont go. Im 28 you dumb piece of shit! If you never knew how to be a dad why have you ever had me? stupid. Now you telling me that i got all these family members but yet none of them ever called or even bothered to tell me happy birthday unless YOU happened to be at their place and made them get on the phone to be a good sport, BITCH PLEASE! fuck you and yo so-called fatherhood that didnt exist, thanx for passing to me all of your life problems and not being a man enough to take care of them your own self.

I kinda feel good though, im reconnected with my 2 cousins and shit. They are some cool peoples, and if i chose not to have a relationship with my dad at least i got some sort of family members to chill with. I never had that sort of thing, and im glad i do now.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Negativity is too strong, i have trouble fighting it

DAMN! ive been having a shitty mood for the last 3 days and the only thing that helps me is weed, and i never get high before i leave home cuz im afraid im gonna say or do some stupid sh!t.

this is hell, i feel like if i go out and do Mission 1 one day and feel good, the next day my mood turns back to negative and i stay quiet, the longer i stay quiet the less i want to talk to anyone. Thats basically how i am and been this way all my life.

my friend wore my clothes a few days back and he told me he got into a fight with his friends, was mad at everyone and was like "your clothes got a lot of negative energy", and maybe thats what it is. maybe when i have a good day i come home all happy and shit, then the next day i wear my clothes and this dark force owns me like its been owning me all my life. i hate it, i really really hate it. its like the closest thing to be living in hell, im always mad, always angry, always unhappy, always pissed at people being together and having fun, not being able to have fun cuz i dont know how. its like having that feeling after your best friend just backstabbed you, i feel that almost daily and dont know how to escape it. i care what people think and dont know how to change that, smoking weed is cool but how long will that last?

shit i dont know, this negativity is kicking my ass as always. i guess it does that cuz i let it, im too afraid and too reluctant to fight it cuz of apathy that is running down my veins.

its really disgusting.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007













but anyway i was gonna make a post about this chick that was looking at me, and all i had to do was open my mouth and say "how you doing?" observe body language and then I WOULD HAVE A DATE! but noooooooooooooooo, i dont say anything cus the negativity is too strong so now im beating myself up instead. what a dumb ass!

i think i need to get rid of all my clothes too much negative energy in em..

Monday, December 17, 2007

One more thing i wanna ad about having a shitty father...

Even though i should be sleeping its 3 am in this bitch, i wanna ad this before i go to bed. Im still working on my paper and i came across this quote right here, "Individuals who grow up without a father in the home struggle the most with self-identification, which makes it difficult for them to have relationships with other people" by Joyce Morley-Ball.

That is the fucking truth!!!!! All of my life i been struggling with self-identification, but also forming and most importantly HAVING relationships with people. Im talking about even having friends. So many times id make friends and then once i get comfortable i do something that will make them lose respect for me. Id basically do something to push them away, and then they go "fuck you too" and leave. And at the end i wouldnt even know that i did what i did, unless somebody sticked around and told me that i was being a fucking asshole. So id always end up being confused, not only about my self-identity, but also about why the fuck everybody keeps on leaving me? Its really weird man...

There is this part in The Wire: Season 3, where Cutty sitting on a couch talking to a preacher, and he says "I've had this feeling for a long time... its like Im standing outside myself watching me do things i dont wanna do... you know... just seeing me like im somebody else but never ever being able to stop the show... im tired........" Story of my motha fucking life.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Its a trip how fathers influence their children

Im writing my final paper on African American youth and their upbringing, and there is this article called "The Impact of Fathers’ Absence on African American Adolescents’ Gender Role Development", and it is so on point its not even funny.

It basically talks about a bunch of research studies being done and in one case 40 boys were arrested, 20 father-absent boys had higher femininity then the 20 father-present boys. And the father-present boys are more likely to develop higher self-confidence in their masculinity. Then I keep reading it and it says in another study "feminine boys’ fathers had spent less time with them in infancy than had the fathers of masculine boys. Therefore, on average, father-present boys likely had more traits associated with masculinity than did father-absent boys." Im not black but that really tripped me out because i did have a father. I don't know about infancy years cuz i dont remember, but he barely spent any time with me even when i was like 5. In fact, he did spent time with me but we werent doing shit other then watch tv or go to some other city, or take a train somewhere. And we basically never talked about ANYTHING! I mean he didnt talk about himself, and he never asked me about me. Until this day i dont know who the fuck he is and i can say the same for him. NOTHING was brought up about confidence, girls, being a man, fighting, socializing, just anything that has to do with life. It was almost as if i was living with a fucking male blow up doll in a form of a father. Shit, you know what i mean.. he was useless!!

But im saying that bolded part is so on point its scary. I am feminine but not like in a gay way you know, i just have more femininity then masculinity. Like i don't act tough or dont resemble an alpha male. Im more reserved, and have a long fuse. I don't portray or resemble any femininity externally, its more on the inside. I remember when i was taking martial arts, the style was called Wing Chun, and my sifu was like "you have Wing Chun within you, you should take advantage of that". To make long story short i quit after a few years cuz honestly, im not a fighter and even if i was there 10 years id probably still suck and not be this tough guy who is quick to snap on someone and beat their ass. And you know he was telling us how this style was developed by a woman, saying that whoever moves naturally doing forms or wooden dummy has femininity to them, in other words someone like me.

What really pissed me off in the past is that my father was trying his hardest to get my mom pregnant. He couldnt for so long and he went to the doctors regularly, then after 2 years i start swimming in my moms stomach. You know i just didnt understand why you want me so bad when you dont know a thing about being a parent.

Its cool though, i been trying to get a hold of him for like a week but all my cousin #'s are dead. I got one more source though, hopefully it works.

Friday, December 14, 2007

I had a girl put my # in her celly today

props to taylormade, the guy whoever left feedback for my last entry, whoever you are.

today i was exhausted as fuck i had only 4 hours of sleep. so im at my college all tired, not even thinking about my Mission 1, but its in the back of my mind. class is over, im at the bus stop waiting for my train. then this cute girl stops not even a few feet away from me. i take a few steps towards her and say how you doing. she answers fine, im paying attention to her body language without thinking any of that negative bullshit i used to think and im calm. shes more on a neutral side so i chat with her for a few minutes and as my train pulling in i tell her to give me a call if she wants to hang out sometimes.

chances are she wont call but it doesnt matter. this POSITIVITY is amazing!!! its the first thing that is helping my Post traumatic stress disorder. before id be nervous just walking from class to class cuz all id have is negative thoughts in my brain "what if i bump into somebody? what if people are thinking bad things about me? omg they laughed are they laughing at me?". fuck all that poison, i refuse it to run me again!!!

also i wanna ad i chit chatted with this heavy set, tom boy looking black woman, i think she had a do-rag on and was kinda ghetto. i made a comment when standing in line at a Taqueria how she looks like shes sick and we had a tight convo. i initiated and we kept talking back and forth. its so easy to talk to strangers who are social, and i love it. the focus is "how you doing", observe the language, and positive thinking. thats it!!!

the only trouble i have is talking to people in groups. like if there is a mixed group of men and women, or a group of men especially, i get all lost and feel inferior if im part of the circle (which almost never happens cuz i dont let it). thats another thing i need to work on, but ill just focus on small steps and all that other stuff will come to me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Mission 1: Eye contact & 'How you doing?'

Ok, this is gonna contribute to my development, which starts today.

Eye contact & 'How you doing?':
  • say "How you doing?" to all types of women everywhere i go, be they ugly, fat, obese, black, white, pretty, or whatever (ok except maybe smelly). I was thinking setting my goal to 10 women a day but ill just leave that open for now cuz some days i may stay home and i dont wanna go out just to do this mission, done that before and i think its retarded. Maybe ill create goals instead, to go out and shop, or to go out and attend events and do this along the way. make eye contact as i'm asking this question, or a moment afterwards. this is important!
  • think positive! do this before even the first step. negative thinking would be 'what if she acts rude?', 'what if she acts like a total bitch?', 'what if she snears at me, look me up and down and go psssssssstttttt?'. i must get that negative bullshit out of my head. instead think about how i'm setting goals for myself and i'm doing this for ME. it will improve my social life as well as give me confidence in my social interactions.
  • observe her body language. the whole point is focusing on how she responds. is she looking back at me? is she staying silent, having an angry look, while looking at the floor? is she smiling saying "hi!"? this step is getting in tuned with her feelings and trying to pick up on her vibe. nothing more.
  • come and post about it on my blog. write whatever i thought of all the women's reactions, what i picked up from their conscious and subconscious body language.
  • optional - if her reaction is positive follow with a compliment or whatever positive thought comes to mind. basically throwing positivity back at her. if i think shes fine say that, or if i like her hair cut or her nails say that. this is optional though, it's better i stick with the mission cuz i need to practice being in tuned with sent messages first before taking the next step.

1st girl - i was sitting in a hall waiting for my teacher. she was thick and big bonded. she smiled looking straight, said something back like "fine" i dont remember. she seemed very positive and was flattered i said hi. i kept looking but she wouldnt look back as she kept on walking.

2nd girl - she was non-responsive till i started talking to her. looked tired

3rd girl - i came up to her asked her about tattoos actually, and then after she answered she started puttuing an ear piece back in her ear sort of being unsure 'is he finished?'. she was smiling though, but i still dont know if she was interested in talking to me or was just being nice. damn im really bad at this stuff, i think i need practice.

4th girl - i just said hi and she smiled. she was old like maybe about 50

5th girl - she looked at me said "fine" and smiled showing her teeth, then looked away. see i dont know if women are just nice who do this or they saying "oh, hey. youre cute, come talk to me."

Hard Times...

i think everyone has songs that make them cry. this is my shit right here, i listen to these songs and all i hear is me speaking those words. i can relate to almost 100% of all the lyrics, and i never felt that way about any artist before. not one artist even talked to me about my struggle 50% before. seriously, this guys name is Genicide, i found out about him on sohh, he used to post in the spot and has a soundclick page somewhere. when i listen to these songs i cry like a lil bitch cuz i feel like it is me who is singing them.

Genicide - Hard Times

Genicide - How Should I Be Feelin'

truth is, most people who listen to this wont even get it, theyll just call it some unpleasant name and disregard it. which is exactly the point of the song, no one sees the struggle, and no one cares. its almost as if it doesnt exist to them, but it is very real to me, too real should i say.

anyway, FUCK YOU if you have anything bad to say about these songs. FUCK YOU if you look down on or think this struggle doesnt exist. FUCK YOU! complaining about your problems youre having with your girlfriend thinking its the end of the world, when you really dont have it that bad. then you listen to songs like this you have something negative to say, bitch! FUCK YOU!!! i feel like venting out some more but i got nothing else to say right now so im just gonna end this here.

Monday, December 10, 2007

I had the WORST trip ever getting high...


Last night at about 10 i ate a thc laced chocolate chip cookie on an empty stomach, man oh man.... was i sorry i did that. at about 11 i started feeling the effect, and at first it wasnt that bad. i was happy i was ready to play Super Mario Galaxy and all of the sudden BAM! BAM! BAM BAM BAM!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!???????????? IM FEELING DIZZY, MY HEAD IS COMPRESSED. OH MAN IM LIKE YO MAN WTF WTF WTF!?! IM HAVING A BAD TRIP, IM PARANOID, IM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK, IM WALKING BACK AND FORTH FROM MINE TO MY ROOMMATE'S ROOM, MY LEGS ARE SHAKING. IM FEELING THE LONELINESS THAT I FEEL WHEN IM BY MYSELF MULTIPLIED BY ABOUT 10. OMG! SHIT, WTF!??? I CALL MY ROOMMATE AND HE TELLS ME TO RELAX IM LIKE MAAAAAAAAAAAAN HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT?

i call my mom next tell her im fucked up and fill dizzy. i say bye and call my female friend, she is drunk. so im talking to a drunk girl while im high, omg! this was some convo,

Her: nothing
Her: lol, im drunk
Me: what you drinking?
Her: i dont know.............. WHAT?
Her: i dont know... its loud
Me: loud where here or there?
Her: here

omg, this trip was so bad i thought i was gonna die. i felt like my brain was overloaded with information but it could only handle 1/10th of it. and the worst part about this was that I ATE IT! WHICH MEANS IT STAYED IN MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, WHICH MEANS IM SCREWED FOR 12 HOURS OR MORE!

so i tried sleeping, it didnt work, i called the drug line, TWICE! they told me i gotta ride it out and there is no other way. i fell asleep eventually and THANK GOD i slept through most of the trip. i am now SCARED to eat anymore thc laced cookies i have left. i had a bad trip like this when i first got high off of eating it but the nightmare went away after 30 minutes. i never had a bad trip smoking it though, maybe i should stick to that.

i was paranoid that i was gonna do something i dont want to do. like kill someone or kill myself, i had all these negative thoughts and the more i thought about negative stuff the more paranoid i got. it was like i couldnt control my emotions and they were all bad, i was afraid i was gonna have a heart attack!!! Trojanman, I take back everything i said to you about weed. DONT DO THAT SHIT! YOU ARE IN NO SHAPE TO BE GETTING HIGH AND I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH THAT FIRST TIME IN CANADA! SHIT!!!

if i try this ever again ill eat a very small portion AND AFTER I EAT OTHER FOODS. cuz i have a feeling eating it on an empty stomach the weed almost BECOMES PART OF YOU cuz the body dont got anything else to process. i really feel like i MUST work on my life goals and better myself. weed is not a solution to feeling happy, and im finding out the hard way...

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I announce DEATH to Negativity!!!!!!!

As of today, 12/05/07, i announce DEATH to the negativity that is running, as well as RUINING, my life.

Anything that i like, think, look up to, or even ENJOY is negative.

  • My favorite show-I love new york=Negative, ignorant, hood rat bullshit.
  • My favorite drama-The Wire=Negative, ignorant poison, black people killing each other.
  • My favorite music-East Coast Hip-Hop=Negative hood shit, mindless, Thug life glamorization combined with impressive lyrics, stupid ignorant garbage.
  • My favorite artist-Masta Ace=Negative, talk about negativity in the hood combined with impressive philosophy, same ol' hood shit just from the reality NEGATIVE aspect of it.
  • My favorite thing to look up to-Black Ghetto Struggle=Negative, poison, i look up to thugs, and feel their pain, always make excuses for them that black people been conditioned this way since slavery, and never look down on them because i almost want to be them, have their fame, have the sex, the money, the respect they get. I even think that it's better to live a short life but actually acquire all the things (money, sex, respect, etc..) then live an entire life in fear like i do and be somewhat safe.
  • My favorite thing to do-Criticize=Negative opinions of people or things, finding faults in people or being mad at them for having things.
  • My favorite radio show-Star & Buc Wild=Negative, ignorant, hood shit, people talking down on each other.
  • My favorite blog-Trojanman's=Negative (not to put you on the spot but its true), your blog is just as (if not more then) negative as mine.

i can go on and on, but i got to change this. until i change and switch to living a POSITIVE life, no matter how many women i talk to, no matter how many times i go clubbing, i will never get anywhere. It is no wonder i get sooooooooooooo much rejection from people. Long time ago when i was trying my hardest to chat with everybody when I went clubbing id talk to close to 20 people per night, and close to 18 turn my ass down or give me the "go away" look. I have this negative energy field which is so strong that once i bring myself into somebody else's presence they feel it instantly, and reject it without even uttering a word! Then i get mad "why are they such fucking assholes blah blah blah" Seriously, this has GOT to stop. Yes, that means changing my way of thinking, changing the shows i watch on TV, changing from THINKING all the negative things about myself, about others, about what if this happen, what if that happens, etc..

This shit is hard because i am so comfortable that i almost LOVE the negativity. It's like i feel GOOD doing, feeling, and thinking it. Shit, no wonder i don't have any friends if i met somebody like me i wouldn't wanna be their friend neither.

My New Year's resolution-find positive things to fill my life with. Positive music, positive movies, positive friends, positive tv shows, positive lifestyle. This is my first New Year's resolution ever! Paz, remember we talked about "the movement", and then i said ill write out a format? Well, this is the first step. Until we get this down into our lives, into our brains, and into our souls, there is no so called movement.

I am dead serious. I either change this or I will die being negative, and wonder why there is no change in my life.

The place is here, the time is now, POSITIVITY here I come...

Sunday, December 2, 2007

I feel disconnected from everybody

my black friend/roomate came home with his headphones on singing at the top of his lungs, he was really pissing me off. i was watching flavor of love marathon and his ass was singing so fucking loud i was like MAN IM TRYING TO WATCH THE SHOW HERE?! DAMN! so anyway after a while he asked to use my pc to rip his new cds he bought. then as hes ripping them he starts playing some song, and its some modern African band, he plays this song and says "you feeling that?" and i didnt like the beat so im like no. so he says "see thats cuz you not black, you dont understand, you never been to church, you never did this, you never did that, blah blah blah this is a real African band, they singing about the struggle. all that struggle you say you understand is bs, this is the real struggle blah blah blah some countries have this music banned cuz its so powerful blah blah" i was like damn... that hurts. and he was like why? you wanna be black this bad? i was like i dont know why, but that hurts. then i started thinking and i realized that hes is doing what all my other friends been doing, making me see that im not like them, that whatever quality they have is this HOT SHIT and im not it, and NEVER WILL BE.

i had a Chinese friend i used to hang with, and he said the same type of shit. it was different but very similar in a way where i felt that same shitty feeling im feeling right now. we were chilling at a cafeteria at my college campus and he was like "see...... youre white... you got the privilege in this country... blah blah blah" he had this smirk on his face like "and im Chinese and im proud of my heritage and im struggling and you dont, cuz you white!" and i was like damn..... that hurts. yeah i know all that bullshit about having a privelege but i just didnt expect to hear this from a friend. i get negative looks, attitudes from strangers thinking that, i feel that they think that, and it hurts you know. they just say in their mind "FUCK YOU WHITE BOY YOU WHITE THEREFORE YOU AINT SHIT TO ME, YOU GOT EVERYTHING AND YOU DONT STRUGGLE, YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT REAL STRUGGLE SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE". many people who do that shit nonverbally are colored, they could be black, asian, latin, whatever. and you know it makes me feel disconnected from folks, like im an alien, but the least i expect this sort of thing is from friends.

its funny though cuz ive had 2 types of friends my whole life. type 1 is the type that will tell me stuff like this and make me feel inferior, sad, and just disconnected from them, and type 2 is someone who wont say that but they end up not being a good friend to begin with. damn... i never done this to any one of my friends why they all doing it to me? or at least it seems like it.

the only white people im connected with is my family, and im so far away from them. they dont know shit about me, they dont know my fears, my goals, my feelings, i dont share personal stuff with them. even someone i get along with, my uncle, he still doesnt see me for who i am and doesnt know me like that.

i was thinking maybe i should make some white friends but the truth is even white friends would probably do some shit like that. theyll just bring up their own heritage "yeah, us italians are like this you wouldnt get us blah blah" or some stupid shit like that, whatever their culture is. i dont know, maybe im just sensetive, but it really pisses me off when people do this.

you know its like when those people start rambling about AHHHHHHH, THATS THE JOINT RIGHT THERE!!! OMG THAT IS THE SOOOOOOOOOOONG, BACK IN THE DAY WHEN WE WERE OUT ON THE STREET HAVING BLOCK PARTIES OMGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOD YOU JUST DONT KNOW! its the same shit. its like yeah... i really DONT KNOW, i was never out "back in the day" on the street socializing, mingling, having the time of my life, so yeah... i cant relate to you... BUT YOU DONT GOTTA RUB THAT SHIT IN MY FACE!! dumb ass. fuck you, fuck you and your "good ol' days", dumb ass bitch. just another way of making you look good and make people who havent had your type of life feel like shit cuz they never been though what you been through. dumb ass piece of shit. not everyone is like you so stop making it sound like what you have, had, or didnt have is everything and what i have, dont have or never had is unimportant because it is, its my life! why you making me feel disconnected from you, arent you supposed to have my back, isnt that what friends do? damn... i dont get it, maybe i just dont understand human beings in general or maybe im too sensetive. this is the type of shit that makes me wanna crawl into a cave and just live my life there away from everybody until its my time to go.

right now my plan is to go see my dad who lives in a different city and tell him he was a shitty father, tell him everything i think of him, and leave. i been avoiding that so called father for over a decade and i gotta go see him and tell him everything. i think alot of my issues im having stem from this shitty parenting, but whatever, im not blaming no one its my own issues and i gotta work on them.