Wednesday, April 30, 2008

i had a huge panic attack last night

im barely doing homework for my classes, my fam made me a deal that if i failed the test i just took i gotta move out, im worried what will happen to me. what am i gonna do when i graduate? will i graduate? im not good at anything in particular. i applied to 3 internships and 2 didnt want me, the 3rd there is still no reply and i have a feeling its the same rejection phase. i have no close friends, will i always be this way? plus on top of that im not taking care of myself, not eating right, not showering enough. most times id just take a shower every 2-3 days.

couldnt sleep last night thinking about all of this, plus this weird clicking noise just wouldnt go away every 30 secs or so. turns out its this cheap computer chair so i put it outside and the noise stopped. but when the chair was in my room the noise would jump from chair to deks to walls. is that thing possessed? im gonna get rid of it either way its such a crappy chair plus its already broken anyway.

i had 5 hours of sleep. get to work and it turns out im 1 hour early. i clearly remember they said 10:30 on the phone but i guess they changed the time. i even put it in my cell phone. im getting a new phone service hopefully this week.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I put an end to my 30 day drug-free program yesterday

i been hanging out with my female friend for the last 2 days. We hung out on Friday after school, and Saturday all day. it's kinda weird becuz i thought after we watched the movie shed leave but she stayed. we just chilled, watch movies and talk. yesterday though we got high, so my 30 day drug-free program is over. been clean since March 14 thats 6 weeks without smoking any pot.

she's the closest person to me right now. i told her that and she was surprised. either way we are so much alike it's scary. she's like the female version of me who doesnt like to be around people all the time.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

it's 3:30 in the morning and i cant sleep

i finally decided not to do my obe tonight and get some sleep and the irony is that I CANT SLEEP! been laying in this piece of shit bed for an hour crying and shit. i am not even gonna lie i am real lonely, so lonely its pathetic. i dont know why i did this but i called up my female friend cuz i was gonna invite her over this week since i have a house to myself. then she picks up telling me shes talking to her friend and that shes at his house. then shes like "ill call you after im done talking", after i hung up i was like damn... they fucking tonight. i got real depressed after that, real depressed. so depressed i had tears building up in my eyes. i am real jealous of seeing people live, it kills me deep down inside. i just keep hearing all these stories of peoples experiences, and then when i hear somebody tell me similar shit i have nothing relate to but some story i heard another person said. its really weird, instead of being like ... "yeah, i had this and i did that" im like oh yeah my friend did this and went there. i mean what the fuck!!

and im ashamed, ashamed of who i am, ashamed of how i feel, ashamed what ive become over the years, probably will be ashamed of what ill turn into next. the first time my mom caught me jerking off i was ashamed, she made me feel ashamed by telling me im gonna go insane if i keep doing it, i did it anyway feeling ashamed. i tried giving money to homeless when i was a kid my mom made me feel ashamed again, i went out to school every morning my mom taught me to give my money to street kids if i get approached, made me feel ashamed again. i dont know, if there was one word to describe how i feel all the time it would be ashamed. i do things then i look back feeling ashamed. like if i dance at a club then go home thinking about everybody watching me dance id feel ashamed, its weird. thats why i hate taking pictures.

im afraid to invite anybody into my world, thats why im not really willing to talk to women or anybody. i have no fucking world, i have no lifestyle, and people get bored of me easily. i feel like FUCK EVERYBODY almost every day. i dont wanna be bothered, im tired of opening up to people, tired of being vulnerable. the same people who teach me shit are the same taking advantage of me, its disgusting and i dont know how to tell who is who. the same person who is all cool with me could be the same one behind all the schemes and plans on getting me played. i either hate people or hate myself for not knowing how to deal with them. fuck this blog too, thats why i havent been on it and dont feel like sharing my life with anyone. im tired of ignorance, racism, idiocy, hate, drama, dumb bitches, same sluts who talk about 'im a good person' but shed fuck a bad ass mother fucker in a heart beat who kills people for a living. people are fucking retarded but sadly im part of this human race and i dont know how long im gonna be here suffering. i cant even get close enough to my own family, how fucked up is that? whatever, im fucking done. i gotta work in the morning fuck everybody and everything. i hate selfish people with passion, infact next time i see a selfish person im gonna ignore the shit outta him. dont wanna deal with that fake ass fraud ever again, smile-in-your-face-but-stab-you-in-your-back or it could be the my-word-also-dont-mean-shit type of loser. stay the fuck away from me! youre the scum of this planet i really hope you get that same treatment some day.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I can relate to prison conditions in more ways then i can imagine

today we were watching a movie in my class about a custodian facility. movie was called Tattooed Tears and this one part hit me pretty hard. This dude was locked up in a cell all isolated. the guards put him there because he attempted to commit suicide so he was on suicide watch. so hes sitting in that bitch with a towel wrapped around the bars so that no one can open the cell door. and then the guard says "why you cutting yourself? blah blah blah" and said something about him getting out so the kid is like "i aint getting out, thats what you all told me. so what's the point of just sittin here?". then the guard goes... 'now you gonna have to be taken on a trip to a hospital and back' and the kid goes "good, at least it's gonna be some excitment" and the guard goes.... "excitment for who?" and the kid says "for me! sitting in this cell for 30 something hours straight, etc, etc.."

that scene right there is classic. man i been doing the same shit for so long i have no idea what it's like to do something out of the ordinary, which is exactly what he said somewhere in that scene; doing something out of the ordinary. school work home, school work home, school work home, i been doing this shit for so long i dont know how to do anything else. whenever i get out and go to some club it's like.. i get lost in all this shit and don't know what to do or how to act. i cant even get an excitement when i go out to a supposedly exciting place, it's crazy. the inmates who get out probably go through the same shit, but this is different.. i'm not in prison, i'm free, yet my condition is that of a prisoner.

at least my fam is gone for the entire week i got the house all to myself. i'm gonna invite my female friend, watch a movie and get high in the backyard. i dont know what else to do but i studied my ass off for the test and i feel real confident about it, i hope i get a B. if i get a D i'm gonna shoot myself.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

i found an iPhone today

found it at my college campus. played with its functions, its cool as shit! never held one before. then the owner left a message on it, called her back but it was a pay phone. tried calling the # she left but it was an answering machine. then some dude called said hes her b/f. he met me when i was eating and gave me $40 in exchange.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I don't feel like talking to anybody

Today i don't wanna talk to anyone! Since i woke up at 6:40am i been feeling this way. Maybe its cuz i havent gotten enough sleep for the last 2 days but i feel like this a lot. Just go everywhere alone without wanting to talk to no one. I dont know why but i always felt that way. And every time i chose to talk to someone its like im looking for something, either a friendship, or maybe sex, or some sort of connection, but the funny thing is when i want that thing it never happens so i despise talking to people. Feels like there is no point of conversating if im not gonna get anything out of it.

I either want everything, or nothing at all and i know thats extreme but i dont know how to stop wanting either of these 2. Thats why i end up not wanting to talk to anyone and just spend my time alone.

It's weird, and i dont know why im like this but its a big part of me. Being socially awkward, wanting something yet when trying to get it by socializing realizing i cant because i dont know how to ask for it. Then i get depressed and seclude myself from everyone, even those who claim they understand me 100% when they never experienced it themselves. Makes me feel like im alone, all alone on this big fucking planet without anyone to relate to. Then i see these fucking videos on BET and MTV with all these happy people smiling, partying, socializing and shit. Makes me so envious and angry inside, its like my insides start to boil. I hate those fucking videos! Thats why i havent been watching them for the last 3 months or so, its disgusting, makes me sick to my stomach. Seeing that perfect world filled with happiness and fun. And all those dumb ass ignorant rappers like Fat Joe keep saying stupid shit like "and when they see you on top, they wanna hate". what the fuck? are you retarded? you on tv throwing all that pussy, money, and fun in my face, to the point of bragging that you have all that shit and then you want people to respect you for it? FUCK YOU! GO TO HELL YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!! if you dont want people hating on you maybe you should stop throwing all that shit in peoples faces, bragging about all the shit you do and how you live. dumb fuck! i feel that way sometimes about all the rappers who do the same shit, its like get the fuck outta my face i dont wanna see all that bullshit you claim you live, its probably fake anyway.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

OH SHIT! MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i feel like im living in National Geographic

today its really hot, i mean really hot. so my fam opened up all the windows and doors, which i dont mind for the most part. but these people i live with dont understand that you only do that shit for so long. im walking into my bathroom and there is this big ass 3 inch mosquito sitting on the wall, scared the shit outta me. then little flies are everywhere, like every time i go in the bathroom or kitchen there are little tiny flies flying all up in my face, then as im eating in the kitchen there is this flying 1 inch bug sitting on a fridge. then i walk in a hall and there is a spider on the ceiling. I swear to God i feel like im living in National Geographic, i mean WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THESE WHITE PEOPLE!??????????????!?!?!?!?!?! SHIT! why are they so obsessed with this shit! it's like every now and then i think to myself "who are these people im living with and why are they so weird?" why do they leave windows open when its freezing outside and when i tell them so, they tell me to wear something warm? are you serious? im freezing my balls off and i gotta wear a sweater inside my own house? people heat their houses why we gotta freeze to death just to get "fresh air"?

then on top of that i got a D on my test so the new thing is that if i get another D or lower im going to have to move out. are you serous? didnt you say im gonna move out at the end of the year what the fuck? if i move out now then what the fuck am i gonna do? shit i dont know, this class is really hard but this is just crazy. i had an interview for internship and im real confident that i got it but if i move out that internship goes out the window cuz im gonna have to find a 9/5 and kiss my education goodbye and im like a year away from completing it.

im tired of these people. i was talking to my therapist about it and he told me that parents supposed to guard and protect their children and teach them how to make it in this world but i had none of that shit. and hes right, if anything my fam did was make me worse. so now when im still living with them trying to get an education they setting these deadlines for me to move. first its at the end of the year, now its at the end of the month? are you fucking serious? i dont know what im gonna do. my plan though is wake up tomorrow, get all my shit, my voice recorder and go over it in the library, fuck staying in this piece of shit National Geographic dump.

i'm moving my OBE's to my new blog

me posting these OBE sessions is getting in the way of me speaking my mind on my blog, or i intermix the 2 and going back i dont know which is which. so i created a new blog for that. is where all my progress is gonna be stored from now on.

Friday, April 11, 2008

My Childhood Friend just contacted me

yesterday my childhood friend sent me an e-mail. this is crazy because i really didnt think wed ever see or even talk to each other. when i was 13 me and my fam moved; it was my death. i died and havent been the same ever since. and the truth is at some point i tried my best to forget about everything in the past, even my friends, because i wanted a better future.

but damn... this is really nuts, i was just looking at her profile and she looks so different then i remember her. im probably gonna wait 1 more day until i reply, but this is really really really crazy and i still cant believe it. i am so far away from everyone i never thought id be e-mailing my childhood friend who i had a huge crush on.

OBE - Day 22, 23, & a dream

Day 22

i edited those 2 nerve wracking buzzing sounds from tape 4 and listened to it last night. didnt have enough time to listen to 3 and even do push ups because im so lazy.

its funny because ever since i started these tapes i been having dreams almost every day. dont remember the one last night but i woke up at like 7am cuz my fam was talking on the phone all loud and shit using a speaker, i hate that shit! they did that before. plus im sensitive so i wake up easily like that. then these same motha fuckers complain that my music is too loud when its barely medium cuz "its not nice to the neighbors." stupid ass bitches worry about disturbing the neighbors when they havent complained once, than care about talking loud as fuck when im sleeping in the other room. that shit REALLY pisses me off. fucking hoe ass trick ass mother fucking sluts! i think every person should go to school before becoming a parent. seeing what these folks with kids on sohh say about their kids makes me realize most parents are fucking retarded!

Day 23

listened to Tape 4 of Wave II again. i really like this tape, it teaches how to heal wounds, get rid of build up non-needed energy, and create power within when doing something physical. its 30 mins long but feels like its only half of that.


didnt do day 24 but i had a dream. i was in this apartment with this kitten, then left, when i came back the kitten was rushing for the front door trying to escape. i closed the door real fast and the kitten ran as fast as it could slamming its whole body into it. after that it was going crazy like it wants to get out, the i realized it needs to use the bathroom so i opened the bathroom door cuz there is an entrance to the backyard in the bathroom. the kitten ran into the bathtub and took a shit. then there was another kitten in the bathtub. there was a backyard past the shower with a slide in door. the dream was long and there was some other stuff like i dreamed about my therapist im seeing at my college. hes a cool ass guy, probably the best therapist i ever had. i dont remember what he was doing but seemed like guiding me or some shit.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


i gotta say, at this rate that im moving im having doubts id be able to accomplish this OBE or anything in life. im so lazy, i have no motivation, i start things and never finish them, i always hit a brick wall and feel like i cant get past it, i get depressed and nothing matters even the things i really really want in life. i say fuck this and fuck that, give up, then start over again. i repeat the same pattern over and over again and then i complain that my life sux and never goes anywhere. i do this in school with studying and getting good grades, i do this with women, i do this in anything i do and i dont know how to stop. people give me advice and i listen, but then i go and do the same bullshit routine over and over again. i do things the same way i always have and im tired cuz i dont understand why i keep doing them. i can just sit there on the internet for over an hour doing absolutely nothing, then the last minute id try to listen to the tape when im almost falling asleep in the middle of it. wake up late all groggy and shit and complain to everyone that i havent gotten any sleep. i feel like something inside of me is empty, so i try filling the emptiness with this leisure time i spend on the internet attempting to have fun browsing different sites or sohh. but then i realize its not fun, its bullshit and a waste of life, yet i realize i have nothing else to do so i keep surfing the net.

i can be sitting in the library doing "homework" when im all doing is surfing the web and wasting time until im exhausted. then i do homework for like 30 minutes and go home because im so tired. and going home to do homework is suicide, it never happens! i dont know what to do.

OBE - Day 20 & Day 21

day 20: did tape 4 again, nothing special. had a weird dream about me walking the streets of some suburb. then i hear this really creepy horse/demon growl so i stop. i see a woman that looks like some friendly sorcerers and the thing that was making a noise looks like weird creature from either hell or some weird place. it was really tall, about 7 or 8 feet. i thought it was gonna attack me but when the woman saw me she told the creature to follow her, they both left inside the house or the backyard of a house. i kept walking the streets till got to this place around the corner with other people gathering. one guy had a machete, i guess just in case he encountered that creature on the street or if somebody wanted to fuck with him. the rest i dont remember. i think maybe world of warcraft is influencing these sort of dreams, but maybe im wrong.

day 21: last night i said fuck tape 4 and listened to tape 5... half assed. 1st of all my lazy ass started really late.. AGAIN! i did push ups the last minute so when i was doing breathing exercises i was exhausted as fuck! and had a dream but dont remember it. 2nd, in the middle of the tape there was a loud noise which seemed to be an error, im gonna go check again and see if its an error or its part of a tape. then it happened AGAIN! it scared the shit out of me i felt nerve buzzes throughout my hands, opened my eyes, snapped out of it and was afraid to get back into it till the end. i kept thinking "if this thing is gonna buzz me one more time im gonna shut this pc off and go to sleep, fuck this!"

Monday, April 7, 2008

Pre-Law meeting was disappointing as fuck

i just left the pre-law meeting and i thought it was part of a Criminal Justice club. turns out it's a totally different thing and its for people who are planning on going to law school or being lawyers. im real disappointed but whatever, back to the same old bullshit routine i guess. the guy i talked to said CJ students are welcome but what the fuck am i gonna do there? i saw this girl there, we were supposed to hang out and get high together on a platonic basis last semester but she sort of flaked. was planning on talking to her after the meeting but she broke the fuck out faster then i could blink with her g/f she came there with.

and as far as the black student union.. as much as im interested i really dont see myself being there, i really dont. not only am i not "one of the guys." people wont even see me for who i am but the fact that im white 1st and foremost.

my goal for this semester though is to attend events. i got invited to this one event tomorrow and im gonna go. and any CJ meeting that comes up im gonna attend or even this Pre-Law club, if im interested ill show up. now im hungry as hell, about to go to cafeteria and then read the case for my class.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

OBE - Day 19

was planning on listening to two tapes, tape 3, and tape 4. my lazy ass started it around 4am last night even though i had a chance to do it much earlier then that. and i was so tired and exhausted that about 15 mins into the first one i zoned out. dont remember anything i heard after that until i snapped back into it. then i listen closely and the tape sounds unfamiliar. after i found out its already going 15 mins into the 4th tape i turn it off and went to sleep.

had really weird dreams after that. one of them was about me going to city college, the other about me being in this tall skyscraper building in downtown, which seemed to be my home, doing something im not supposed to do and this guy was chasing me i think trying to catch me. and the last part was me being in one room in the same building looking at porn and then there was this blonde MILF that i started fucking. i was really surprised too cuz i havent had sex in a dream in like 10 years or even longer. i never dream about having sex. maybe my reality reflects in my dreams, i dont know.

then i woke up around 2pm even though i had a chance to wake up around 12 but i was lazy so i just went back to sleep.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

OBE - Day 18

last night did tape 3 again, which was 4th time. ok, one thing im good at doing now is putting my body to sleep while my brain is active. i can feel my body being numb. i can still move and stuff if i want to but the point here is to not. some moments i forget about my body and sort of escape into my mind and whatever im trying to visualize or achieve.

i just thought of this and i wanna try to do this tape 3 again during the day when im home alone. my fam is gonna be leaving soon for a week to some vacation so ill be doing this every day during the day plus listen to new tape every night or at least every 2 nights in a row.

Friday, April 4, 2008

I gotta vent

i just came home from hanging out with my female friend about an hour ago. this shit is really pissing me off right now and i gotta let it off my chest. the cool thing about her is that shes a female version of me, she likes to stay home a lot, she likes to be alone, and we have a lot of similarities and are not attracted to each other so we stay friends. but one thing thats really pissing me off is that our friendship is one sided. its like i do things for her, bring movies for us to watch, install shit on her computer to get the fucking spyware off of it, take her to buy some stuff, i may not pay for her but hey im still taking her ass somewhere. and what do i get in return? nothing! its weird, all of my friendships are like this. even with my so called cousins. i call them mother fuckers and they call me, then at some point they keep telling me to give them a call but they never be the ones to call me and im just like why why why? you got a baby and you sit home 24/7, you mean you cant pick up the fucking phone to call your cousin that is willing to be close to you? and then my male cousin, mother fucker you dont even work! you have a girl, go hang out with your friends who you get high and drunk with then come home to chill the rest of the day. then on top of that you the one talking about we should stick together cuz we family and all that shit, but yet you never find the time to call? thats bullshit. i dont know, it just feels like no matter how cool i am with my friends or even relatives, i never get shit in return. its like no matter how close i am with people, i still feel like im miles away.

so with this friend of mine, i told her ass when she goes to LA to visit her family, to bring me something back. shes like "i got chu", so i ask her what did you bring shes like "me" im like oh man thats cold, so she starts talking "im going back next week, what do you want?". at this point i feel like i either really dont understand people, or i need to start treating everyone like shit. cuz all the assholes of this world get everything they want, and they treat people and especially women like crap. slap em around a few times, disrespect them, and on top of it all be 100% selfish to the core of their existence, and what do they get in return? everything! shit is weird but thats what i see. they just dont give a fuck and people give in to their needs.

plus i got these loser ass nerds on sohh stalking me, im talking about every thread i make these same fags come into and try to "son" me. its like dude.. get a fucking life i dont give a flying fuck about you why you care so much about me? leave me the fuck alone go worry about whatever the fuck you going through. mother fuckers are really pathetic. makes me feel like im being followed by a bunch of obsessed stalkers who have nothing else better to do with their time but follow me around all day. so if thats you and you reading this FUCK YOU! go get a life or if you have one worry about living it stop worrying about what i go through.

OBE - Day 16 & a Dream for Day 17

day 16 was ok, nothing special. day 17 i listen to the same tape, tape * about visualizing and sending out what i want to be and what i want out of life, etc.. i listen to this tape 3 days in a row so far.

the invisible bubble seems to work when i interact with people. i dont care as much how they respond cuz i keep my energy inside and no negative energy can get in cuz i dont let it.

i had a dream about me joining a dancing crew. i always loved dancing since i was a kid but i never took it seriously. so im dreaming i join this dancing crew that was mostly black. for some reason i wasnt nervous at all, was real chill and laid back. the leader of the crew was this black guy i always see on my college campus. we all in this room and he is sort of ignoring me. there was this arab guy, i think it was either alybaba from sohh or a guy that looked like him. i didnt like that fuck from the first comment he made when i was signing the sheet, after that i was like yeah dude thinking to myself "fuck off!". then there was this one Trini girl i had in my class, she was really feeling me but i never asked her out for whatever reason (in real life). anyway, she was happy to see me join the crew and as i was signing up, she said something and i said "what?" even though i vaguely heard what she said, so she rolled her eyes and said "nothing".

i was being quiet but was being friendly, introducing myself to people in my proximity. this black women in her 30s or 40s really liked me and was acting friendly. we were talking and she asked me something, i said "i dont know any moves but i got rhythm." then i remember we had a widescreen hdtv screen and were about to start watching some movie. then we all leave and seem to be walking somewhere that looks like a mall, and this tall black dude along with a few black women looking at me probably wondering why i join their team. at first i hesitate to look back cuz it makes me uncomfortable then i look back at him and he bows his head (no homo). i think then i woke up cuz i dont remember the rest of the dream.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

two chicks

i saw that chick at work who wanna get with me, shes not as bad as i thought. i mean her face is not my type but i like her thickness. damn, i shouldve asked her to hang out with me over the spring break but oh well.. story of my fucking life. if i ever see her again at work maybe ill ask her out. ill go with what the feeling is inside of me, even though it is always wrong. fuck that! that other chick ignoring me, not returning my phone calls and shit. saw her in class today initiated convo then im like alright.. and she keeps talking, im like damn... shes one of those "nice girls", i aint mad.

OBE - Day 15

maaaaaaan i dont remember shit about last night. all i know is that the tape 2 of Wave II was 36 mins long but it felt like 10. im getting more under the trance or something, i dont know.

fuck all that though, i feel like i got stuff going on but not writing it down cuz of this fucking OBE.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

OBE - Day 14, & a Dream

last night i was playing 2nd tape of Wave II. This was about sending your question out and waiting for the answer to come back. I read the text file and it said something like.. not everybody can hear voices talking to them or access psychic realms, it takes more time for some people then other. i agree with that, i have a friend and hes really connected to his soul. dude could be standing on a bus stop and predict if the bus is gonna come just based on his surroundings and the weather around him, its amazing. but im like the opposite, not very connected with my soul and never have any sort of psychic or spiritual messages coming to me. so i guess its gonna take a while for me to have any effect. so yeah, i tried my best but it didnt work.

i had a dream about my homeland, again. i dont know why but i dream about my neighborhood i grew up in a lot. i think i miss my life there, my status, knowing everybody in the hood and everybody knowing me. i miss having fun along with the struggle, i miss that balance in my life.

i was waiting for a bus, so im waiting and waiting (there was some other dream about me taking a bus or going to city college here but i dont remember). and at some point i end up back in my country on the street i was raised on. then i hear the trolly right around the corner. it was the street that had no rails though. so i see the front of the train turning towards me so i start running for the next stop which is like miles away (the real train station). so as i run by the school i lived next to i see a kid on a bike riding by, and then another one, i look close and he looks like somebody i went to school with. dude looked exactly like dj khalid but my height. i look again point my finger at him and go hey. he says whats up and seems to remember me. we talk a lil and im like hey im trying to catch this train, so hes like ok ill go with you. then after a moment of walking hes like hop on my bike it will be faster. so i hop on his bike and we just riding through my neighborhood. a couple of years before we left, the government built these towers which was about 12 stories high. we were just riding right by them and i was seeing kids that are like 10-15 hanging out and stuff. then i woke up.