Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Fear and OBEs

so I haven't had an Out-of-Body Experience in over a month. I did have one that I didn't even write down in my journal about a week ago. I woke up from my nap, opened my astral eyes, and saw some creature jump across my room, from my window exiting my door. it looked like some sort of a demon at first, but I think it was a monkey. the fear kicked in right away, and I woke myself up shortly after that.

so today I come home from work, eat, and go to take a nap. most times I am unsuccessful due to my insomnia, but I guess my body hasn't been getting enough sleep lately so I fell asleep after about 10 minutes. Then another 10 minutes go by, and I am walking into my room from the outside seeing my bed. At this point, I know I am starting to have an experience. Then I am laying down in my pitch black room, and I'd say about 10% of the light is there that seems to be coming from my window. It is dark outside, but MAN IS IT DARK IN MY ROOM! My fear gets so big, I could feel it penetrating in every part of my body. Vibrations are also there. Fear stops the experience just a little bit, but I get back into it feeling the vibrations still buzzing.  I feel my legs being pulled upwards trying to separate from my body. I haven't been able to separate for months successfully. Then I think to myself "is this my spirit guides pulling me out, or is it me?" I freak out again. It's so dark, and spooky, I freak out even more thinking someone is in the room I can't see and am afraid of being attacked.

I used to think that OBEs are so fun. I used to think that once I start having them, I'll be visiting other planets, and flying through space and time, etc.. but when I actually started to have them, there is so much fear involved, it isn't even funny. I think I just have to get over my fears somehow. I just don't know how. Every time I have an OBE, it's always dark, spooky, and in many cases it's pitch black. All I see is blackness. I also think this will keep on happening until I get over my fears. It's just like stage fright. When I had it, I had nothing but public speaking come up in work or school. Once I got over it, all the public speeches just went away. I wish I could do them more often, but I almost never have to do them for some strange reason. I just hope I get over my fears of darkness, and encountering other beings. Because it's really preventing me from experiencing the spirit world, even when I'm not trying to.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

I feel like I am Alone again...

Here we go again...  somehow, someway... I make a friend. The friendship lasts a little bit, and then it happens... we get further and further until I am alone again. story of my life.

So it's about that tranny "friend" again. I don't even know where to start. But I'll start when we were in a hotel last. I told her that I will always love her, and she was real excited that night when I was dropping her home. She even told me "let's keep in touch! but if I don't answer texts that means I don't wanna look at my phone". Even called me the same night when I got home. I told her she could use me for rides since I love driving. So... she would call me frequently about helping her. It got so crazy that when I'd call her to say hi, she'd be shopping with her mom asking me to give her a ride back home. I didn't do it, but thought wow... she's abusing me. she stopped calling about this and maybe realized it or maybe... she found another guy to give her rides.

So not even a month ago I didn't hear from her for a while. And I thought 'let me not call her till she calls me'. And this was during the New Years Eve, and beyond. I literally had NO ONE to call, spend time with, and even talk to. I was going crazy, mentally I mean. No job at that time, no social interaction, and my mom was away on vacation. I was locked up in my house all day every day. A week goes by and I cave in, I call her... She of course was busy being out with her mom and her "friend" who bought them dinner. She said she'll call me back. When she called me the next day, she was very distant that day. Right then and there I realized that she doesn't care. And that's when I stopped caring.

I spend money on her, and I did it because I want to. Life is very different for transsexuals, and I really care about them for some reason. But it's like... she treats me like shit. I told her that I will buy the plane ticket for her mom to fly back to Mexico. She told me she'll do research and let me know details. I was like cool... so then she tells me when I was visiting her "my mom is leaving on the 20th". So, I'm thinking "oh, wow she must've bought a ticket". Then I texted her on the 18th asking about her mom's departure and she goes "my mom is ready. are you ready?" I thought "is she asking me to buy her a ticket this way?" I mean, she doesn't even have enough courtesy to CALL ME and ASK ME like a human being? She waits until I bring it up and then she indirectly indicates it. So, I am not even worth a phone call and you want me to pay for your shit? FUCK YOU!!! I don't know... am I wrong here? Am I over-exagerating? I texted her back "Am I ready for what?" Because honestly, I feel if you want my help you should ASK me, in person or on the phone. She read my message and never texted me since. Probably found another guy to buy her ticket.

And another thing I realized; she only calls me when she needs me. I haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks. Last time we hung out, was when I drove her to go shopping. We didn't end up going shopping so we hung out at her place. And this time... I am not calling her. I am tired of this. I told her before "why you treat me so bad?" and she didn't get it, and even told me "i treat my other male friends 10x worse". So, I guess us men are all replaceable species. We are so easily disposable, it's pathetic! I don't spend money on her, so she finds someone who will.

And she has other friends. One guy pays for everything for her. She calls him "my angel". He bought her a $4,000 bed, spent $8,000 on her buying her 2 purses, and some other shit, and is paying rent for her for the next 3 months because of her surgery. And god knows on what else he spends on her. Thinking about that makes me think. Who am I to her? I am not rich, I don't even have enough money to get my own place. Is money all she cares about? If yes, then I know where I stand.

Either way, I grew more distant from her. She has her brother, her best friend back in Mexico. her other Tranny friends on Facebook, other guys like me trying to call her either to fuck or to pay her for sex, and then... there is me. huh... I feel like I am one of the many, and she is the one. That's some bullshit. Why are men so fucking easy to replace in our society, and women are held on a fucking silver platter like trophies? You know it's funny, I always complain about women treating me badly, but she is a good example. She is a transsexual, which I am sure now she'll disagree since she has a pussy, but even then she treats me like a cash machine, or a yellow cab. If I have no more funds, or gas, she would pick up the phone, and call another cash machine, or dial another yellow cab that is available. And she could get it all for free. Fuck me. Fuck my life.

Just thinking about this... Last time she asked me to come over to hang out... was so that I could bring some weed, hahahahaha. So if I don't have money, rides to provide, or weed, there is absolutely no reason for her phone call. Lol... I don't know what else to do but laugh, but this is life of a beautiful woman, or transsexual in this case. Either way, men bend backwards just to be with her or around her. And one time, ONE TIME I was late, okay twice... and she tells me "you shouldn't have the barbie wait". But she made me wait almost every time we were going to hang out for 30+ minutes! That's okay right? She said "yeah, but I'm a woman. that's okay." I think I just gave up on her. I tried teaching her that that sort of thing is not right, but it feels like it's no use. She just...... doesn't..... care.... unless I have some money I guess.

I am gonna go smoke some herb. I need it. I been smoking lightly every day to build high tolerance. Don't have bad trips anymore. I still wanna do some DMT & Ayahuasca, but weed is all I got for now...

p.s. I just remembered that the last time we were smoking in my car and talking she told me "you get on my nerves sometimes". I said "I'm surprised you're still around. most people leave me cuz I get on their nerves." The same exact thing I was told to by my other friend I hung out with and blogged about. "you get on my nerves sometimes"... People won't even give me a chance to improve. I told her that I am an only child so I am still learning social skills 3x, but she just said "stop using it as an excuse". Guess it's true what they say... Some men are meant to walk a lonely road

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Taylor's Swift's album

so I listened to two songs so far, and both are amazing. Blank Space, and the second one has so much good, positive energy. it was awesome. I felt not one thought of judgement from that video and the music is upbeat and makes you wanna dance





then, there is this other song that I really like called Style... then I remember liking at least 1 or 2 more songs when previewing album on iTunes. Spotify doesn't even carry the album. I don't know where else to listen to it. So yeah, this album seems good. i haven't heard an album this good in a minute. but we'll see if I like anymore songs, or it's just 4 so far...

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Friday, December 19, 2014

co-worker playing this song all day

at least 3 times i'm like WTF IS THAT!? SOMEBODY'S RING TONE?

it's my co-worker bumping to this. now I can't stop listening to it myself..


Saturday, December 13, 2014

reason why I stopped trying to Astral Project

the reason why I stopped trying to have OBEs, Out-of-Body Experiences, Astral Projections, Out-of-Body Travel, and whatever you want to call it, is very simple. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH IN-BODY-EXPERIENCES!

I gotta say, all my life I have been fascinated with Astral Travel. Ever since the first time I found out about it, I was hooked. What is it? Where can I go? Can I visit other worlds, or other planets? Can I meet aliens? Can I visit my ancestors? The possibilities are endless. But the problem is, I haven't lived HERE. I spend all this time thinking and trying to go THERE.

Let's see. I am 35, I have almost no friends, I just lost my virginity, I still live at home with my mom, I don't have a career, I do drive and have a car so that's a good thing, I don't have a girlfriend, I have so-so social skills, I don't know how to make enough money to move out on my own and get my own place. And after all of that, I am trying to escape this reality? Sounds like I am just running away from myself and my circumstances. Now, all of these things I am dealing with are changeable and doable. BUT I HAVE TO LIVE HERE IN THIS REALITY!!! I can't accomplish any of these goals I want to if I spend all my energy studying how to go out 'there' instead of learning how to be 'here.' This is why I stopped trying to have OBEs. Ironically, though, I still have them from time to time. I am half way of reading my latest OBE book, and I haven't touched it in months.

The thing with Astral Projection is, once you have one, you will always have them. you could have Lucid Dreams, or even regular dreams, but once you have an actual Out-of-Body experience, which is quiet different, you will keep having them. Whether you'd have one every week or every month, that all depends. But you will have them. Ironically, I had one last night without even trying. The thing, naps are crucial. And I tend to have an OBE when I take a nap during the day, and fall asleep a few hours later.

But yeah, as I said already. I am focusing my consciousness in THIS reality from now on. I have so many things I need to learn as you could already tell. It's impossible to attain all these needs and desires, if you spend all your time trying to learn what it's like to be in the spirit world. Robert Monroe had his first OBE when he was 43, and correct me if I'm wrong, he already had a house, a wife, and was a successful businessman. Now, if I had my life put together like that, HELL YES I WOULD TRY TO OBE! I would try to OBE every night. But I can't be putting all my energy into this, when my life here on earth, in the 3 dimensional space, is out of order. I spend more time trying to leave my body, then to learn how to be in it and find ways to make money. I need money. I really do. At this point in my life, I never thought I would ever care about money. I always knew that money isn't everything, and that money can't buy real friends or real love. But boy is money important in our world. How am I going to survive without money if I want to move out on my own?

And without money, how am I going to travel? I want to travel. I want to visit other states. I want to make friends. I want to explore THIS world. I want to learn Portuguese real well and travel to Brazil at some point. I want to visit the Amazon. I want to go to Thailand. I want to visit New York, which has been a dream of mine for so long, I almost feel like it will just be that, a dream. So many things I want to do on this planet, that I waste all my time trying to not be here. I understand I am miserable and not happy, but I can change all that. I know I can. But it won't happen if all I do is spend my free time trying to leave this reality, when I never perfected it. Once I perfect it, then I'll have an excuse to learn lessons in the Astral World. Until then, I need to find how to learn my lesson in this one. After all, that's why we are all here, to learn the lessons we came here to learn.

Friday, December 12, 2014

update

so a lot of things happened since I blogged last time about self-esteem issues and the Colombian Tranny.

I really thought she left me, and was ignoring me, due to all of the people from my past always leaving me. But not long after, I get a text from her... "Hola"... I was like WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!! this was a huge shock because 1) she was very distant, and didn't return my text a few times, and 2) I called and left her a voice mail asking her why she so distant. is it something I did? is it something I said? she did NOT call me back.

turns out, she was just exhausted from her surgery, and didn't even set up her voice mail. lol!!! this really shows me how much chaos I have in my mind, and all of us really. I had so many people in my life leave me, I thought it happened again. but it was all in my mind. crazy thing is, it made me stronger. I literally felt like I fell in love, and the girl broke my heart. it was the worst feeling in the world! It was so bad, I wanted to die. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't do homework, I couldn't watch any movies, I couldn't do anything but think about this girl ALL DAY! And in the end, I just shut her off, and realized that I have to move on and love myself unconditionally. without doing that, I'll always be fucked up with people not wanting to do with me.

it's been really hard, though, since she has her mother visiting her, and I live with mine. so getting together was a challenge. we had sex unexpectedly after we went shopping on black Friday. her mother was sleeping in the bedroom while we were fucking in the middle room. you know, the old me would've never did this. but I thought that I gotta take more risks.

the thing is, she flaked on me the next day when we were supposed to meet in a hotel again. she spent all her money on clothes, and had to "work" again. I was really mad and disappointed, but she has to work and make money like all of us. her life is very unpredictable, and I learned to accept that. another thing I learned is that she doesn't even have sex most of the time with her clients, which was a real shock to me. many guys who like trannies are into weird stuff that I won't even get into.

I don't have a lot of time and I gotta get ready for work. But the biggest news right now is that she is going to get her full sex reassignment surgery. I just dropped her off at the hospital, and the surgery will take place in about an hour. it's a real disappointment for me because you know... I prefer pre-op trannies, and it hurts me whenever they do this sort of thing. but she wants to be best friends with me because we are so much alike, and thinks it's better that way. I tried real hard to change her mind, but it's her body and she is real set on doing this. I told her that I will always love her, and not sure if she feels the same way about me. But I don't care. I don't wanna pressure her or make her love me the same way. it is what it is.

I just realize that this is where I belong, the trans community. I went out with her to a bar last week to see her 'work'. it was an interesting experience, and she knows all the trannies at the bar. I learned a whole lot being around her about the people in the community, and what is really going on opposed to me always going out alone.

the irony about today is, it's my last day of work with the current company. and so is her last day of being a pre-op transsexual. in a few hours she'll be a woman with a pussy. I won't have a laptop anymore, and she won't have a dick. bummer. no homo and all. yes tranny.