Monday, January 2, 2017

my first Ayahuasca experience

I have been wanting to drink ayahuasca for years. but after seeing Metamorphosis, I didn't want to go near that brew with a 10 feet pole. It was hands down the scariest documentary I have ever seen. and believe me, I have seen them all. It was like watching the Exorcist happen in real life. that film completely made me abandon and forget this tea for over a year. I had so much fear just thinking about sipping a cup, it was like my 2012 doomsday scenario all over again.

The hardest part of the experience was the waiting time after singing up for the ceremony, and the counting down of days to the last minute of me drinking that first cup. It was as if time slowed down, and I was being tortured by my own ego with fear and paranoia. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and then being frightened to go back to sleep, thinking about how my first experience was going to be. The entire reason why I really wanted to do this, was because I needed healing. I felt like I needed to suck it up, and go through with it. Because if I didn't, I may be fucked up for the rest of my life. And my entire goal in life, is to grow as much as possible before I leave this place.

I drove quiet a bit to get to the location, and once there I was the scariest person in the room. There was only one other person at the circle who was drinking it for the first time-a lady a little older than me. Everyone else seemed calm, including the lady herself, and relaxed. I was talking about my fears and concerns with everyone I met. What really made me just a tiny bit less scared, was the fact that this wasn't a traditional Peruvian ceremony-which is done in the dark. it was a Brazilian circle instead, with lights on and constant singing. I am very sensitive and was really freaking out by all the crazy visuals I may have been experiencing. That was my biggest fear-going to hell and stuff like that.

1st Night

One guy was assigned to me to be my guide, just in case I get freaked out. And I was freaking out quiet a bit. I was actually quiet calm until it was time to drink the first cup. Then I was getting more and more scared. When it came time to actually drink it, I was frozen, scared like a little girl. I asked for half a cup, and even then it took me about 5 minutes to drink the entire thing, sipping little by little. The taste was bitter and unpleasant, but not as awful as all those people described when going to Peru. I didn't feel anything until I drank the 2nd cup an hour later. 30 mins into the 2nd cup, it really hit me. My first thoughts were "I will never do this again". I felt this sudden rush with ayahuasca going from my hands to my head, until I started to get really woozy and drunk.

I wanted to throw up right away, but it was really hard so could not. I started to moan while suffering. I laid down and started seeing a dark field, with green molecules everywhere with eyes closed. Got really scared of seeing freaky things, and opened eyes. I did not witness anything after that, as we were in a circle singing songs with bright lights on. It was impossible to have visualizations with bright lights, even with my eyes closed. Part of the reason was because I did not purge. The 3rd glass was only half full (not by choice), and I didn't feel much. Music at the end was too loud; impossible to sleep or relax.

2nd Night

The second night was way easier to experience ayahuasca, as I didn't have as much fear but was a little nervous. I realized that I was freaking out for no reason. My fear was of all the crazy stuff I thought would happen to me, but none of it ever did. I just did what my guide, who was absent this time around, told me-"whatever you experience, go through with it."

I was nervous and afraid a little, but drank my first cup without a problem straight away. About 30 minutes later, I could feel ayahuasca flow through my arms, body, and brain. A little further into the ceremony, I got drunk on this vine; it was hard to focus on singing or even seeing and reading the lyrics. I laid down & eventually left the room to get away from everybody and especially lights.

I vaguely saw patterns, but no memorable visualizations. I didn't want to purge at all this time, but cried a little while was in the room with everyone. I gotta say that on ayahuasca, time doesn't exist. At some point, I got lost in the inner world; was laying there for 40 minutes or so without realizing about my body. I was going back and forth like this, escaping into myself having no clue on where exactly I was upon coming back into my body. Just laying there on the couch, with pain and suffering escaping me with each breath I exhaled.

I received the biggest dose on my 3rd cup, and at some point my vision got blurry when I left the room to lay on the couch with dimmed lights. It was hard to see, so I closed my eyes and was just trying to have visuals. But they never came. Once ayahuasca gets into your blood stream, and into your brain, you get intoxicated, and it becomes really hard to focus. All you want to do is lay down.

Ayahuasca was definitely not what I expected. The best way I could describe it, is a warm blanket. It feels hard at times, but cozy in the end. I did not go very deep, but feel like I really needed this. I asked the brew to go easy on me, and it did. A month later, I felt like it cleansed my brain of all the chaos. I was feeling a little crazy at around the summer, like I was on the verge of going insane. Ayahuasca took that away from me completely. After this ceremony, I now understand why Shamans in the Amazon drink it in the dark. It's not because of how some may think that the Shamanic world is "dark" and "evil". But it's mostly because in complete darkness, you could go far more deeper into the experience, and into yourself. I just wish the people at this Brazilian ceremony explained some things to me, like to close your eyes and try to visualize and then hold onto your visualizations. Because if you don't, you won't have any, which was my case. It was as if you were on your own, unless you got assigned a helper like in my case. But it was good for my first time, and I am proud of myself for facing my biggest fears, doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Best Prank Video

these guys are geniuses


do they realize how dumb they are? I highly doubt it.

cluster headaches 1-11

1) 12/13 woke up at 3am last night with left sinus all clogged up. headache lasted for around 30 mins. i swear. i dont wanna exist when it hits. then woke up again 2 hours later with another headache. just blogging for my records.

2) 12/14 woke up at 2:15am with a bad headache. got worse. my left side was empty, but then it got clogged, and painful like a headache from hell! lasted for 40 mins. i could've needed oxygen. in-law with windows closed for more than 24 hrs. candles were burning 2 hours before bed. opened window and went outside after 30 mins of severe pain. seemed to help. i wanted to die. worst headache of the year

3) 12/16 was at a club. drank 2 bears and the headache hit me. this was at around 1:20ish am. went outside for fresh air. it wasn't that strong-about 4-5. lasted maybe 30 mins. i wanted to hang out with on tranny i was talking with, but headache fucked it up.

4) 12/20 at around 3:10 am started feeling something. got up, drank water, ate crackers. headache was coming on, but went away after about 15 mins. tried to sleep-couldnt. at around 4:10am same feeling came back, stronger and stronger until a full blown headach to 7-8. it was bad. lasted about 40 mins. stopped at 4:54am my left sinus side was all fucked up, drained from my nose.

5) 12/20 fell asleep at 5am. had an OBE. woke up at 5:30am and started to feel another headache. then it really hit me. lasted another 40 mins until 6:14am. had a severe peak-very painful but not as painful at the former.

6) 12/22 woke up at 4:45am with headache. again, sinus dripping on left side. drank water with crackers-nothing. but turned on the heater, and the headache disappeared almost completely within 5 minutes. stopped at 5:05. by 5:10am I did not feel a thing. it is really cold. maybe weather has something to do with this? I drank 2 cups of tea today, plus maybe another full cup at home throughout the day after work. plus, serial with soy milk. so you'd think I had enough liquid. but maybe not. still. once a headache hits, usually it lasts a good 30-50 mins. first time went away so quick. will try heater again next time after eating and drinking next time.

7) 12/22 I think I slept until 6:36. alarm rang. headache starting. then it got much worse and lasted for around 50 minutes. it started going away at 7:29 when I should've been going to work.

8) 12/23 here we go again. woke up at 2:45am with a headache, and and 3:37am and only within the last 10 mins it has been coming down. yeah, i just hope i wont wake up again. this is getting really exhausting. I'll turn on the heater to keep the room warm. let's see if it's this extreme cold weather. could be. I even drank 3 cups of tea today. i'll try 4 at work today. see if that helps. but i think it could be the cold. we'll see.

9) 12/24 was at a bar with my friend, and drank some unknown bear brand. it was a huge glass cup. then when we hopped to a different bar, she bought me Corona. I drank about 20% and got hit with a huge headache at around 12:55am. Then went to another bar and I was fucked up the entire time. headache lasted a good 3 hours. but even then it was at 20% when I fell asleep at around 4am. the next morning, still 12/24, I had headache all day.

10) 12/30 stopped a headache by rubbing my neck to let the blood in/out of my brain. then as i drove to get some falafel wrap, headache came back. lasted 50 mins from 3:20 to 4:10pm

11) 12/31 didnt eat anything except crackers for breakfast and water. friend was bringing pupposas but ate there herself. took too long so headache kicked in. had it for an hour at about 15%. then it hit me hard. dont know how long it lasted. was too fucked up and didnt care afterwards. was too exhausted and drained. my friend arrived half-way in and witnessed my torture. i freaked her out lol, crawling on all fours acting like possesed. it fucking hurt. wtf was i supposed to do.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Nerve wrecking OBE

last night I was stuck again. it went from me falling back asleep 4 hours after my nap, and then hearing this annoying sound, to hearing people chatter, to seeing this social gathering very clearly. I tried to project there to see what was going on, but... stuck in my body. keep hearing this loud sound and some sort of buzzing sound. I think it was my shield that I visualized before bed spinning around me. it was really nerve wrecking.

I tried rolling out, nothing. getting up, couldn't. then I see this tunnel in my right vision. not going through it but just witnessing it spinning. then see purple clouds. I felt like I could be in this stage forever. but my fear and nerves got enough of this, so I woke self up. couldn't sleep for 10 mins, cuz I had to calm down first. so I jotted this down in my journal. man I am so frustrated being stuck in my OBEs. it's like, I don't know what to do. I guess I need to practice, but I'm tired of all the Astral Noise when I'm stuck. sometimes it get overwhelming.

Richard Spencer is a LEGEND!

This is my favorite Richard Spencer speech, before all this controversy that surrounds him today. Alt-Aright is unstoppable!

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

I haven't Felt this Good about Politics since...

ever! hahahahahha man... feel so good seeing all the liberal tears. libs crying, libs whining, libs attacking conservatives and rioting. really shows who the aggressors are. lmfao watching these losers hahahhahahahahhah TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!