Saturday, November 22, 2014

Am I in Love?

so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?

I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.

One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.

In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.

So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.

Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.

I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?

I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.

This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.

My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Where do I go from here?

so about a week ago I took the last 4 to 5 hits from the joint that the tranny I was with left me. I texted her a few times, considering I get really social after I smoke. she ended up calling me and we talked for a while. This was on Tuesday, I think. And she said that she was going to So Cal to get her breast surgery done. I thought okay, that's cool. Then she said that she re-scheduled her sex reassignment surgery, and I was the first person she told this to. I guess I felt honored, but surprised since she was so sure on doing it. Maybe I talked her out of it, at least for now?

Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.

Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.

Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.

Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.

It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?

Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.

Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?

Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Alien movies aren't too far from the Truth

I am talking about Alien movies directed by Ridley Scott, starting Tom Skerritt, and Sigourney Weaver.

I am reading this National Geographic issue of November 2014 titled "Real Zombies: The Strange Science of the Living Dead". It's also called "Meet Nature's Nightmare: MINDSUCKERS." It's talking about some of the parasites that exist on this planet that use their hosts. And when they are done with everything they needed, they take over the host's brain and make it commit suicide. Of course it's different in every case. But this is what happens to a house cricket when it scavenges dead insects. The horsehair worm invades its body. The larvae of the parasite gets inside the cricket, and then grows inside its body. When the worm is fully grown, it takes over the brain of the cricket, and makes it jump in the nearest lake or body of water. The cricket dies, and the worm emerges.

But it doesn't end there. There is this wasp called Dinocampus coccinellae, that uses a ladybug to carry its eggs. It finds a ladybug, stings it into its underside, inserting eggs along with chemicals. When the larva hatches, it feeds on the ladybug's insides. So the ladybug goes on about eating other insects, while larvae feeds on their remains inside the stomach. When a few weeks goes by, the larvae is large enough to leave its host. It exits out through a chink of the ladybug's exoskeleton.

But it gets even worse. From now on, the ladybug is a slave. It's free of the wasp's larva parasite, but its mind is controlled. So all it does is protects the silk cocoon beneath it from any predators that dare go near it. At the end of this hideous ordeal, most ladybugs die.

There is many other cases, but one other one is about this parasite called Toxoplasma gondii, which effects mice and rats. It can create thousands of cysts in the brain of its host. But in order for it to reproduce, it needs a cat. So what does it do? It takes over the brain of a rat or a mice, and the rat completely loses its fear of cats. Instead of being scared, it becomes curious of the scent of a cat's urine. So it goes towards the scent and BAM, gets eaten. Then Toxoplasma reproduces in the cat's excrement. The parasite doesn't reach cat's brain, but hey now it multiplied, and on to the next cycle. Here is one video I found on NG website.

There is lots more about frogs that commit suicide by going towards herons, ants, spiders, and caterpillars. It just kind of reminded of Alien movies. If you think that sort of stuff is a work of science fiction, think again. It's happening right here on this planet. And if it's happening on Earth, which is like a tiny grain of sand compared to how humungus the Universe really is, what makes you think it isn't happening somewhere else? After all, "out there" is really "here." To the beings that live on the other side of the cosmos, we are "out there." But to us, it's the complete opposite.

I don't know if the guy who wrote Alien movies is a complete genius, or maybe he just studied a lot of animal life on our planet. Either way, this is some scary shit that's fascinating at the same time.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Up All Night in a Hotel Room

So I just woke a few hours ago, at around 4pm. Me and my new Tranny friend decided to get away in a hotel for the night.

The first plan was to get away for the whole weekend to Half Moon Bay. She never been there, and said she was open. But then when she never got back to me by Thursday, I started to feel like she is too busy doing her escort job than wanting to hang out. I started thinking about all of my past experiences, and that she is probably like everyone else. Then I thought it’s over between us, as people tend to leave me over time. So, I didn’t text her until I heard from her on Friday. She said she’s free that night, but the next day she was going to be busy.

I wanted to get together with her and tell her that this isn’t working out, and that I don’t feel safe doing stuff like rimming her when she escorts for a living. But when we met up, her vibe was just amazing! I completely forgot that she is such a good person.

I decided to get us a local hotel room near the beach.

Hanging out with her was possibly one of the greatest nights of my life. At first, we were like ‘okay, we’ll stay up till 2, or 3’. Then before we knew it, we’re up till 5 am. Just laying there holding each other, watching videos, movies, etc.. talking about all sorts of things most people would find weird, and outrageous.

We talked about names and how both of us changed ours, and how much of your personality could change due to you changing your name. I am actually looking to change mine again after having this conversation. I told her about my Egyptian Goddess, and she told me about her Aztec God. Spirit Animals, ayahuasca, etc.. just a lot of unconventional stuff.

I realized how challenging her life is. She has to pay rent, health insurance, and also work her regular job outside of doing her escort services. She is not like a street hooker at all, takes great care of herself, eats healthy, and even meditates. I kinda regretted taking a few hits from her joint after getting nervous. I realize more and more that weed is just not for me, or at least I need to learn how to be calm when I smoke it.

The whole night was just amazing. I realized that I made a real friend this time. She is a loner, like me, and is very open. I mean, I meet some open-minded people. But she is just unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and has a completely non-judgmental personality about life, sex, etc.. It’s rare I meet someone like her. She wants to do a full surgery and get a pussy. I said that everything about her is beautiful, and she shouldn’t change a thing. It’s amazing how some people just have body features that aren’t of their gender. Her ass has this natural, feminine, and curvy shape. Even she has ass implants, she told me that she has always had the curves. It’s just unbelievable. If you’d see her walking around half naked, you’d think she’s a girl. I was surprised to hear that when she was a stripper in Tijuana, she was making a $1,000 per night with men thinking she's a real woman.

Everything about that night was showing me good signs, including numerology. We’re walking past hotel rooms, and see room 222, going to a gas station to get some water; the gas price says 3.33. Looking at her phone clock and it shows 4:44. Then we walking back to our hotel room, and see triple numbers AGAIN. She says to me, “something is happening right now”… This wasn’t like any other night. We want to get together again soon. Not sure when that will be, but hopefully soon.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I just had sex

This happened on Sunday, November 2, 2014. So technically, I am not a virgin anymore. But I feel like I still am. Nothing magical happened. Nothing spectacular. I didn’t transform into some experienced guy who is now mature, and is good with women. I’m still the same old nervous, shy, and sensitive guy that I was before sex. But am I still really a virgin?

Okay, so if you remember my I like Trannies blog, the story doesn’t end there. But it continues with this post. I saw this same girl on cl (recognized her body as there was no face pic), and e-mailed her saying what’s up. She was wondering who knows her by name and we connected. After sending her a few pics, she remembered me. We decided to hook up, and went to a place with hot tubs. It’s sort of like a hotel room, but with a little bed and a hot tub. My first time there, but I remember seeing them from porn.

So I get real nervous meeting her for some reason. I’m not sure if maybe we have no connection, or there is such a huge cultural barrier between us, that it’s hard to find a common language. Maybe we just don’t vibe? I don’t know. But the whole time I was nervous, and this isn’t like me usually. I used to be this way before, but nowadays I am more relaxed around people. Was it because she was a woman? Well, technically a Tranny, but a woman in my eyes.

We get to a hot tub, I pay for our private room. And we undress, touching each other. We talk a little bit, and then get in the tub. It was so hot at first, but took me awhile to get used to it. I took a hit from her blunt, so that got me sort of acting weird, and nervous. I freaked her out a little bit when she was touching my cock and I pulled away. Like I was afraid of her having STDs, etc.. Then She says ‘you wanna fuck me?’ I say yeah. I put on a condom, get some lubricant, and she guides my cock into her ass. 3 Strokes and I pulled out because I felt like I was about to cum. That KILLED THE WHOLE VIBE! This girl is fucking BEAUTIFUL, and I’m guessing she isn’t used to guys pulling out so quickly. She sort of got weirded out, asking me why I’m so weird. After talking for a few minutes, she felt bad, and we just got back into it. I was really cautious, and I told her that it’s my problem. I am overly cautious, and she technically is an escort. But she is upscale. Has her website, doesn’t post on cl for her services (outside of hooking up I guess). Her clients are very well off, and not bums off the street. She told me she doesn’t do it that often, and only once a month. I killed the vibe again because I was reluctant to lick her ass. Then she says “how do I know you’re clean?” And even though I told her I NEVER had unprotected sex, she still was technically right, and told me she never had either. How do we both know we’re clean?

So I said fuck it. I am taking a business class right now. And it talks about how if you want to become an entrepreneur at some point in your life, you gotta take risks. There is no way around that. I started jerking her off, playing with her breasts, and the whole time we making out in between talking, and playing around. I told her to get out of the tub and sit on the edge. She was SO FUCKING SEXY! Cinnamon complexion that gets darker around her ass and privates, super clean, smells good, good girl, very cautious around the type of people she is friends with. I think to myself “this isn’t a girl who’d be dirty”. So, I just went with my feeling.

I start licking her ass, and her balls. Then eventually make my way to her asshole and OMFGGGGGGG…. THIS WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SEX! I didn’t even cum because my boner lost Its power when I killed the mood by pulling out. when she started calling me weird, I just couldn’t be that horny anymore. But licking her brown, clean, fresh, soft, tender, juicy ass was the ultimate fantasy I’ve had with Trannies. THIS WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! She came in like 3 minutes cuz she said she was really horny. She liked me fingering her ass while I rim it, but that was kinda hard. My tongue was also sore cuz HOT DAYMN IT’S HARD WORK AND WORKS YOUR TONGUE MUSCLES! I thought it was easy from watching it in pornos.

I don’t know, but there is a lot more details I’m leaving out because there is just too much to include. She is looking for a guy to be fwb with, and I’m so open to that. But I just don’t know if we have any connection. It was amazing just holding her and kissing her. My first technical “girlfriend” experience I’ve had with any girl.

The thing that made me think I’m still a virgin, was how short it was. She even let me fuck her hard afterwards but stopped me 30 secs in; said I was hurting her. I don’t know but seems like Trannies are sensitive. But I fucking love them. I don’t think I’d have the same attraction towards women. Too much bad experience, and I feel like there is a block in my mind, or In between me and the female species. Ehhh… who cares. This whole experience was just amazing. Better than the last 2, but so far I’ve yet to enjoy sex by cumming. It’s not the same. It’s not like holding your dick in your hand and squeezing it at the time of the orgasm. When you cum in a girl’s mouth, or her ass-pussy in this case (no homo of course, yes Tranny), it feels weird… It’s like I have no control over how good I feel at the time of the nut.

We’ll see what happens with this girl. But I’m gonna ask her if she wanna get a hotel room next week and spend the entire weekend fooling around together. I really like her. She is honest, even about her being materialistic. But that’s what I like, honesty. And I told her that I’m the same.

Hopefully, there is a part 3 coming soon to this chapter. Stay tuned…

p.s. I kinda feel special, because I taught her what French kiss means. She is taking ESL classes, and so was I when I came to US. Also, she asked me for some help with learning about indigenous cultures, and I was like are you fucking serious? That’s all I fucking know, and study on my own time. Shamanism is the TRUTH that lives in the heart of the Amazon. So, technically I taught her 2 things. The second about ayahuasca, and she already said she wants to drink it. I think we can learn a lot from each other. So, I’m hoping for the best. But you never know. Shit falls apart when you least suspect it to. I digress.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Zug Zug Origin

so, I'm watching this movie "Caveman" with Ringo Starr. and they have this scene where 2 different caveman tribes meet for the first time (around at 40 mins in). one speaks English, and the other tribe speaks cave language. 2 men from the caveman language tribe are holding hands. later on the leader from the same tribe goes "Lunda"; I think it was a name of a woman he liked? not sure. and the english speaking guy goes "love" while the caveman leader stares at him with a happy face. the other dude goes "alright... zug zug". this is funny because I first heard the word zug zug in original warcraft games. I don't remember if it was in Warcraft 2: Tides of Darkness, or Warcraft 1: Orcs and Humans.

[Edit: found a video clip of this scene]

So I google searched the "origin of zug zug" and came to World of Warcraft forums. one guy there said that the origin did point to the Caveman movie, but it was "sex". But the origin of zug zug is actually LOVE and not sex, haha! I remember playing Warcraft games and hearing Orc NPCs say "Zug Zug" every other time you clicked on them. Zug Zug eventually carried over to WoW, and that's where most people heard it from.

Caveman is entertaining and funny in its own way too. Worth checking out. Half way through it right now. Things aren't too different nowadays. Alpha man running the show, while all the betas sitting on the sidelines scheming on the master plan how to get the girl and trick the alpha. I know it's all about being more social now, but just saying. These were out ancestors.


p.s. so after watching the movie a little further, apparently that guy is the only guy in the tribe that speaks English. I bet this movie is good to watch after smoking some weed...

Monday, October 20, 2014

Strange Dream about Stars

the first thing that happened in my dream last night, was that I saw a bunch of magic mushrooms. they were beige in color.

then what happened was even stranger. I saw a star in the dark sky. no other stars around it, but just one big bright white ball. now when I say a star, I don't mean a tiny star. I mean a huge star that's as big, or even bigger, than our sun. but seeing it at night was weird. then I saw another star looking in a different direction that was just as big and as close to earth. I saw a third one and got really scared. are we all gonna die? are these stars gonna generate storms, tsunamis and chaos on our planet? I was so scared, I looked way. and then I saw a huge planet that was about 10x bigger than our sun. and when I looked close... it was another earth.

I kinda wonder what these dreams mean. I am reading a book on dreams, but I haven't picked it up in a while. I'm gonna start setting goals for myself to read little by little each day. seems like it is the only way I can go through books. otherwise, I end up wasting my life watching youtube videos, or doing absolutely nothing feeling sorry for myself.