Friday, December 19, 2014

co-worker playing this song all day

at least 3 times i'm like WTF IS THAT!? SOMEBODY'S RING TONE?

it's my co-worker bumping to this. now I can't stop listening to it myself..

Saturday, December 13, 2014

reason why I stopped trying to Astral Project

the reason why I stopped trying to have OBEs, Out-of-Body Experiences, Astral Projections, Out-of-Body Travel, and whatever you want to call it, is very simple. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH IN-BODY-EXPERIENCES!

I gotta say, all my life I have been fascinated with Astral Travel. Ever since the first time I found out about it, I was hooked. What is it? Where can I go? Can I visit other worlds, or other planets? Can I meet aliens? Can I visit my ancestors? The possibilities are endless. But the problem is, I haven't lived HERE. I spend all this time thinking and trying to go THERE.

Let's see. I am 35, I have almost no friends, I just lost my virginity, I still live at home with my mom, I don't have a career, I do drive and have a car so that's a good thing, I don't have a girlfriend, I have so-so social skills, I don't know how to make enough money to move out on my own and get my own place. And after all of that, I am trying to escape this reality? Sounds like I am just running away from myself and my circumstances. Now, all of these things I am dealing with are changeable and doable. BUT I HAVE TO LIVE HERE IN THIS REALITY!!! I can't accomplish any of these goals I want to if I spend all my energy studying how to go out 'there' instead of learning how to be 'here.' This is why I stopped trying to have OBEs. Ironically, though, I still have them from time to time. I am half way of reading my latest OBE book, and I haven't touched it in months.

The thing with Astral Projection is, once you have one, you will always have them. you could have Lucid Dreams, or even regular dreams, but once you have an actual Out-of-Body experience, which is quiet different, you will keep having them. Whether you'd have one every week or every month, that all depends. But you will have them. Ironically, I had one last night without even trying. The thing, naps are crucial. And I tend to have an OBE when I take a nap during the day, and fall asleep a few hours later.

But yeah, as I said already. I am focusing my consciousness in THIS reality from now on. I have so many things I need to learn as you could already tell. It's impossible to attain all these needs and desires, if you spend all your time trying to learn what it's like to be in the spirit world. Robert Monroe had his first OBE when he was 43, and correct me if I'm wrong, he already had a house, a wife, and was a successful businessman. Now, if I had my life put together like that, HELL YES I WOULD TRY TO OBE! I would try to OBE every night. But I can't be putting all my energy into this, when my life here on earth, in the 3 dimensional space, is out of order. I spend more time trying to leave my body, then to learn how to be in it and find ways to make money. I need money. I really do. At this point in my life, I never thought I would ever care about money. I always knew that money isn't everything, and that money can't buy real friends or real love. But boy is money important in our world. How am I going to survive without money if I want to move out on my own?

And without money, how am I going to travel? I want to travel. I want to visit other states. I want to make friends. I want to explore THIS world. I want to learn Portuguese real well and travel to Brazil at some point. I want to visit the Amazon. I want to go to Thailand. I want to visit New York, which has been a dream of mine for so long, I almost feel like it will just be that, a dream. So many things I want to do on this planet, that I waste all my time trying to not be here. I understand I am miserable and not happy, but I can change all that. I know I can. But it won't happen if all I do is spend my free time trying to leave this reality, when I never perfected it. Once I perfect it, then I'll have an excuse to learn lessons in the Astral World. Until then, I need to find how to learn my lesson in this one. After all, that's why we are all here, to learn the lessons we came here to learn.

Friday, December 12, 2014


so a lot of things happened since I blogged last time about self-esteem issues and the Colombian Tranny.

I really thought she left me, and was ignoring me, due to all of the people from my past always leaving me. But not long after, I get a text from her... "Hola"... I was like WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!! this was a huge shock because 1) she was very distant, and didn't return my text a few times, and 2) I called and left her a voice mail asking her why she so distant. is it something I did? is it something I said? she did NOT call me back.

turns out, she was just exhausted from her surgery, and didn't even set up her voice mail. lol!!! this really shows me how much chaos I have in my mind, and all of us really. I had so many people in my life leave me, I thought it happened again. but it was all in my mind. crazy thing is, it made me stronger. I literally felt like I fell in love, and the girl broke my heart. it was the worst feeling in the world! It was so bad, I wanted to die. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't do homework, I couldn't watch any movies, I couldn't do anything but think about this girl ALL DAY! And in the end, I just shut her off, and realized that I have to move on and love myself unconditionally. without doing that, I'll always be fucked up with people not wanting to do with me.

it's been really hard, though, since she has her mother visiting her, and I live with mine. so getting together was a challenge. we had sex unexpectedly after we went shopping on black Friday. her mother was sleeping in the bedroom while we were fucking in the middle room. you know, the old me would've never did this. but I thought that I gotta take more risks.

the thing is, she flaked on me the next day when we were supposed to meet in a hotel again. she spent all her money on clothes, and had to "work" again. I was really mad and disappointed, but she has to work and make money like all of us. her life is very unpredictable, and I learned to accept that. another thing I learned is that she doesn't even have sex most of the time with her clients, which was a real shock to me. many guys who like trannies are into weird stuff that I won't even get into.

I don't have a lot of time and I gotta get ready for work. But the biggest news right now is that she is going to get her full sex reassignment surgery. I just dropped her off at the hospital, and the surgery will take place in about an hour. it's a real disappointment for me because you know... I prefer pre-op trannies, and it hurts me whenever they do this sort of thing. but she wants to be best friends with me because we are so much alike, and thinks it's better that way. I tried real hard to change her mind, but it's her body and she is real set on doing this. I told her that I will always love her, and not sure if she feels the same way about me. But I don't care. I don't wanna pressure her or make her love me the same way. it is what it is.

I just realize that this is where I belong, the trans community. I went out with her to a bar last week to see her 'work'. it was an interesting experience, and she knows all the trannies at the bar. I learned a whole lot being around her about the people in the community, and what is really going on opposed to me always going out alone.

the irony about today is, it's my last day of work with the current company. and so is her last day of being a pre-op transsexual. in a few hours she'll be a woman with a pussy. I won't have a laptop anymore, and she won't have a dick. bummer. no homo and all. yes tranny.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I just had the Biggest Shock of my Life

so after making my last blog entry about me being in Love with the Colombian Tranny, I kept thinking about her. and I kept thinking about why does everyone always leave me? WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!?!?!?! I am 35 years old, just lost my virginity with this girl, and yes she is a girl in my eyes, and I have no friends. This was always the biggest question in my life, why does everyone always leave me?

so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.

so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!

All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.

Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.

I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.

I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.

So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?

Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.

About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.

When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.

So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.

Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.

Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.

And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.

Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Am I in Love?

so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?

I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.

One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.

In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.

So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.

Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.

I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?

I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.

This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.

My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Where do I go from here?

so about a week ago I took the last 4 to 5 hits from the joint that the tranny I was with left me. I texted her a few times, considering I get really social after I smoke. she ended up calling me and we talked for a while. This was on Tuesday, I think. And she said that she was going to So Cal to get her breast surgery done. I thought okay, that's cool. Then she said that she re-scheduled her sex reassignment surgery, and I was the first person she told this to. I guess I felt honored, but surprised since she was so sure on doing it. Maybe I talked her out of it, at least for now?

Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.

Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.

Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.

Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.

It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?

Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.

Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?

Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Alien movies aren't too far from the Truth

I am talking about Alien movies directed by Ridley Scott, starting Tom Skerritt, and Sigourney Weaver.

I am reading this National Geographic issue of November 2014 titled "Real Zombies: The Strange Science of the Living Dead". It's also called "Meet Nature's Nightmare: MINDSUCKERS." It's talking about some of the parasites that exist on this planet that use their hosts. And when they are done with everything they needed, they take over the host's brain and make it commit suicide. Of course it's different in every case. But this is what happens to a house cricket when it scavenges dead insects. The horsehair worm invades its body. The larvae of the parasite gets inside the cricket, and then grows inside its body. When the worm is fully grown, it takes over the brain of the cricket, and makes it jump in the nearest lake or body of water. The cricket dies, and the worm emerges.

But it doesn't end there. There is this wasp called Dinocampus coccinellae, that uses a ladybug to carry its eggs. It finds a ladybug, stings it into its underside, inserting eggs along with chemicals. When the larva hatches, it feeds on the ladybug's insides. So the ladybug goes on about eating other insects, while larvae feeds on their remains inside the stomach. When a few weeks goes by, the larvae is large enough to leave its host. It exits out through a chink of the ladybug's exoskeleton.

But it gets even worse. From now on, the ladybug is a slave. It's free of the wasp's larva parasite, but its mind is controlled. So all it does is protects the silk cocoon beneath it from any predators that dare go near it. At the end of this hideous ordeal, most ladybugs die.

There is many other cases, but one other one is about this parasite called Toxoplasma gondii, which effects mice and rats. It can create thousands of cysts in the brain of its host. But in order for it to reproduce, it needs a cat. So what does it do? It takes over the brain of a rat or a mice, and the rat completely loses its fear of cats. Instead of being scared, it becomes curious of the scent of a cat's urine. So it goes towards the scent and BAM, gets eaten. Then Toxoplasma reproduces in the cat's excrement. The parasite doesn't reach cat's brain, but hey now it multiplied, and on to the next cycle. Here is one video I found on NG website.

There is lots more about frogs that commit suicide by going towards herons, ants, spiders, and caterpillars. It just kind of reminded of Alien movies. If you think that sort of stuff is a work of science fiction, think again. It's happening right here on this planet. And if it's happening on Earth, which is like a tiny grain of sand compared to how humungus the Universe really is, what makes you think it isn't happening somewhere else? After all, "out there" is really "here." To the beings that live on the other side of the cosmos, we are "out there." But to us, it's the complete opposite.

I don't know if the guy who wrote Alien movies is a complete genius, or maybe he just studied a lot of animal life on our planet. Either way, this is some scary shit that's fascinating at the same time.