Panic Attacks and Cold Weather

so, I got PTSD and I get panic attacks when I 420 sometimes. I got a panic attack now, and I noticed a cold weather. I turned on the heater. but still

too slow. put on my Puma velour suit jacket, it helped but now I got heater next to my stomach.

when you are cold, you are more likely to have a panic attack cuz the feeling inside of you matches your environment. and it's hard to control it, so you watch it spin out of control. Maybe I should stop smoking. I really need to focus on meditation instead. that's the thing, when I smoke.. I cannot meditate. it's almost impmossible. Hard to relax when weed is in my system. Vodka actually relaxes me, while ganja sometimes freaks me out. But I only drink when I go out. never had more than 2 shots at home and 2 shots is nothing.

but yeah, Just wanted to blog this out. I need to note this, and it's not the first time it happened.
stay warm when you smoke, or put on some layers WITH socks. really helps you stay warm and in control, and relaxed.

I'm sick + Snow Leopard Trust

I been smoking each time I don't nap, because it helps me sleep (just like naps do). But this last Sunday I overdid it and my throat got all irritated. Monday morning I woke up with a soar-throat, was yesterday I feeling like I may be sick. Later on in the day, it was more obvious. So as I was really tired, I went to bed early at 11:30. Woke up at 3am feeling the symptoms even stronger. I am at work now, but I will take tomorrow off. And I have a doctor's appointment today for my hands. The irony.

Then saw this video, and felt like sharing. Snow leopards actually don't have it as bad as Amurian Leopards, that are around 50 left in the whole world. I hope they both pull through, though.

I been smoking MJ every time I could not nap, so my system got overloaded and I think that's how I got sick. not the first time this happened. I guess my body is sensitive. Now I'm updating this post a few hours after work, and feel it in my throat like I wanna cough it all out but can't. Hard to sleep like this.

I lost my virginity

Technically, I already did with a tranny when I blogged about it. But since some people say that the only way you can truly lose your virginity is with an opposite sex. Today was that day. October 30, 2016. I was jerking off all day practicing my "tantra", and was so horny I busted within a few strokes.

Not gonna go into details, but let's just say that... there was a "price" to pay for the pussy. There is always price you pay for the pussy, cuz pussy is in high demand. Men start wars over this shit, and some men go out and blow themselves up and take 100 people with them. Because in the end, they believe in their mind that will get pussy. Crazy. Well, on a good note, I am not one of those psychopaths or lost souls willing to hurt and murder people. Thank god. It could've technically be me. Anyone lost and needing purpose in life could get brainwashed enough to do the craziest shit... for pussy.

Anyway, I'm smoking weed tonight for the last time in a while. Damn I talk a lot when I smoke. It's good therapy. I don't talk enough. I need to smoke some and go out every week. Soon... I'm working on a plan to turn my life around, get money, pussy, and grow as much as possible before I go.

But I'm thinking of moving. My landlord and his fam really walk a lot and that shit cuts deep and get on my nerves. We'll see. I'll talk to him tomorrow when I pay my rent. Maybe they can tone it down, or if not I'm outta here. fuck that shit. I don't need stress. When I don't nap, I hear them stumping for HOURS. I already talked to him, it got better but still it's really bad some nights. One of my goals is to go out after work and find a good vibe coffee shop. Study on my A+ and a Mac certificate. And come home at around 10pm. maybe do that 3x a week. Plus, finish another Seth book I am ready. I been reading it for like 6 months. So yeah, going out of my basement could really help me and no more naps so much. I take naps cuz I try to have Out-of-Body Experiences, when I completely forget and abondon my In-Body Experiences.

Anyway, I am out for now. Gonna go eat, shower, and get ready for work tomorrow. I really need sleep.

I need more House in my life

so I finally got internet here, my landlord let me use his. he is the best land lord I've ever had. the coolest guy ever and he likes me too. I don't cause trouble and always reserve water, electricity, and am clean, and he helps me out with stuff. anyway. I finally smoked this weekend on my own. I only smoke with a friend when we go out, and we been hitting up the House clubs. We get tipsy, high, and then dance and enjoy the music. not all of it is good, but when it is good, it is good!






I'm taking a break from viewing all the chaos, and the fall of the western world. I'm gonna check the Trump and Islam news at work, and at home watch LOA and self help, affirmation, and Photoshop tutorial videos on youtube. Time to get my life back on track. I need a plan. One plan is to get better at Photography and PS. Then I'm gonna get back into Premier and make a few movies. Then I will get back into pickup, but I'm thinking of doing a plastic surgery first. We'll see. I need to get my life in order, or things for me will never change.

I'm gonna start to meditate too. 20 minutes a day. I think that's not bad. At night before going to bed. I need to make goals and accomplish them. Man life is hard. But the best thing you could do is work work work hard at it. Otherwise, things will never change.

late Sunday night...

I was LMFAO at this interview last night smoking some good shit

i’m about 98% done with my move, and man.. i don’t even have internet here. I need to talk to my landlord and ask him to use his for a while. I don’t really play games anymore or even watch netflix. basically it’s youtube, google, news, and checking out books. speaking of books, ever since the founder of Amazon tweeted that comment about Trump, I boycotted that side. and instead of using Kindle, I am reading a book on Nook app. it’s pretty good. i was so fucking mad seeing Kindle’s location number instead of pages. i was looking for an alternative ebook reader ferociously. couldn’t find it. but Nook has pages!!! and they have lots of ebooks. i think as much as Amazon. I’m already gonna read another history book right after this one. Truth, how I will always search for you, no matter where I go, in this body and out. maybe that’s why I got into Astra Projection. I wanna know how everything works. I NEED to know or I feel weak and scattered. When I know, I feel grounded and confident, knowing who I am and where I am going. I guess if you really wanna know the truth and live your life well, you gotta understand the world, and then understand yourself. without neither of these, you are nothing. you are lost. a stranger in a foreign land, still trying to learn its rules.

this is why these liberal pussies destroy each country they take over. with liberals you get the worst ghettos in America, with all the people on welfare, which gives them 0% motivation to get off their ass and learn a skill or get ahead. but these folks still vote for libs. so it’s sort of a trade off. liberals are just using blacks as slaves… for votes. and they keep voting for them. it’s disgusting. but this goes back to people not understanding the world. I guess James Manning was right when he said that “you can teach a black man how to be a doctor, you could teach a black man how to be a lawyer, you could teach a black man how to be a physisit, but you could never teach a black man how to understand the world.” but people are waking. actually a lot of black Americans today support Trump. they are tired of all this shit. I even saw a video of black folks in South Side of Chicago mad as hell talking about how Obama hasn’t done SHIT for them. he cares more about muslims he’s bringing in destroying this country, then help out the black folks. this guy is a DISGRACE to America. how did this immigrant from Kenya fool everyone? but I guess anyone who has George Soros, the son of Satan, is backing them up, could be the president. with all that money it takes to win, you just need the right rich guy to fund your campaign.

oh well. I was laughing so hard at this interview. Trump is just speaking common sense, and the world treats him like an idiot. we have all the technology, the smartest people in the world!!! and our leaders are like ‘we don’t know what to do. let’s continue what we’ve been doing and bomb ISIS’. hey dumb ass, how has that been working for you for the last year? can’t believe we have such utter idiots running our countries. I give the western civilization 20 years, MAX! if we don’t get Trump and more like him into our governments, say bye bye Constitution, say hello Sharia. but just watch England, and Sweden, and Germany as well and see what happens to these experiments that have been going on for quiet sometime. the lawsuits they have with muslims playing the victims will make you laugh out loud. it is the most disgusting freak show you will ever witness. it’s 100x worse than lawsuits in America. but it’s always muslims who are the poor poor victims. fucking hilarious. it’s gonna go nowhere else than down for them. i feel sorry for the people, though. no Europeans deserve war, or get their children be raped by a pack of animals or their young boys beat up in the streets. but that’s exactly what’s happening, thanks to the liberals and socialists who brought this into their own lands. what fucking pisses me off, these libs all live in all white areas that are safe and quite. would they ever have to live amongst these muzzrats, they would’ve screamed and yelled how horrible it was!! but they don’t, because they have never lived among these muslim animals, and never will. we need to get some tough conservatives elected, and put these pieces of human trash on trial for treason. then execute every last one of them. or simply kick them out to the countries of these “refugees”, and make them live there among the population as a European. make them “#FeelTheBurn”…

TRUMP 2016!!!!!!!!!!!

I found a place!!

I realized that I hate blogging. I really don't like it. it takes my time and i'd rather do shit 24/7 and be a bum, than blogging. it's fucking boring as shit. i just like it because it helps me to get bad stuff out of me, and also keeps a record of my life. it's almost as if 'hey, what was that really good movie I saw the other day?' hang on, let me check my blog. but I digress.

I found a place! holy balls i haven't been this excited for the last 4 years. my excitement faded back when I had to move back in with my mom, and her boyfriend, now ex, living with her. it was a nightmare. but I believe this is fate. I created this moment by focusing on my independence that lead me to have a huge fight with my mom and then making a 100% decision that I'm moving.

the place is AMAZING! I cannot believe I found something like this so close to my job. I mean it's the same distance as I travel now, but it could've been much further. get this. I got:

my own bathroom

my own hallway

my own closet

and my own room... all in one place.

it's like I have my own place, with a shared kitchen.

and on top of that all, my room is not even connected to my "roommates". since my place is divided with another room by a hallway all around the corners of my room! I don't know how I found this. and the price is unbeatable! so yeah. at this point, I could actually go out there and talk to the ladies without a problem. I mean I still will have a looooooooong way to go to be considered 'good', but at least I will have a PLAN! a plan to bring the girl back TO MY CRIB!!!!! hahahahaha. wow. it's amazing how much money matters. if you don't have enough, you'll be a miserable fuck that's stuck with your parents for the rest of your life. you just gotta change the vibration you're on, and that's exactly what I've been doing for the last 6 months. and it's working!!! 

I already moved half of my stuff today, and my friend lend me her sleeping mattress. we'll see how it is, but she is upscale. everything she buys is expensive and man, i can't wait to test that bad boy out tomorrow. still sleeping back at home tonight.

my life is now all about money, learning, career, more learning, studying, reading, news, more learning. life is hard work. and those that don't understand this, always stay lazy and complain about it all the time to other people. sorry but to make it in this life and to get anywhere you want to be at, you gotta work... hard! there is no other way. and this is coming from one of the laziest people on the planet. at least I used to be. now I'm pushing myself to finish my projects I start on faster than before. it's hard but after I am finished with this move, I will get back into my goals and stay on top of them. that's why I stopped smoking marijuana regularly. it breaks my focus and makes me lazy, not wanting to do anything but play video games and looking at porn. weed is only good when you're hanging out with a bitch. doing it alone just makes you a pothead that plays video games all day. completely unproductive loser. something I will NEVER become. I refuse to.

You Can't Stump the Trump (Volume 4)

Just watched this for the 5th time. Still funny. This is the best one out of all them. I don't think this guy will ever top this. But I hope I'm wrong...



Trump the LEGEND himself retwitted this video

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/653856168402681856

cold from Marijuana

so, I was sick with fever, and soar throat from weed AGAIN. Could not even go to work on Wednesday. was going through my blog and turns out this happened about a year ago. it's almost as if I haven't learned my lesson yet, or I simply forgot about it. so I had to re-learn it.

I was smoking weed a lot lately. some weeks almost every day. one good thing about it is, i developed a high tolerance for it. but my body still seems to reject it if I do it on regular basis. my throat starts to hurt, and then i eventually get a cold. or maybe only during cold seasons since everyone is sick now. it's really weird but that's how my body works. as a result I am quitting weed for the most part. I do wanna smoke it every Sunday, though. because Sundays are the worst. I get insomnia on Sundays like no other day because the next day is work. couldn't sleep last night for some reason until 4:30 in the morning! had an OBE when finally falling asleep. it's weird but OBEs seem to happen more naturally around that time.

I am actually thinking of getting a real vaporizer after reading a suggestion in that thread i linked above. the problem is, why would i need it if I wouldn't smoke that much? I already bought one for my friend, but after talking with my co-worker, turns out that it's not really a vaporizer. it's a pen with a coil. i thought that's how all vaporizers are, but that's the first one i spent money on. and it wasn't even for me.

Here are pros and cons about marijuana, and how it effects me.

Cons:

Laziness
Apathy
Unable to focus
Unable to study
Unable to read
Unable to get anything productive done

Pros:

Relaxation
Stress relief
Focus better (some traits actually go backwards in certain trips)
Become more social - When I smoke, I tend to keep on talking without going back in my head. This helps me with people. but problem is, I've had horrible panic attacks doing it in public. So I try my best to socialize sober (whenever I grow enough balls to go out to socialize. in other words, almost never)
ABLE TO SLEEP!


The main reason why I even smoke weed, is because it is the only thing that helps my insomnia. But when I do it so much, even weed stops working. So, I need to smoke it in moderation. I do wanna try magic mushrooms next, as it helps with cluster headaches and I've been into psychedelics for some time. As of now, though, my main focus is on MONEY.

The Greatest Prison Story I've Ever Seen

Taken from Locked up Abroad, this has got to be the greatest episode I have seen on that show. Saw it coincidentally last night. It was so good, that I found it, and watched it again today. Didn't even know there is a movie based on this guy's life, which is based on his book. Funny how he wanted to write a book, and he got the story of his life. Like he was pre-destined to experience everything he had. Unbelievable story, and it had me hooked on it like I was watching a movie. Will go out and watch Oliver Stone movie soon.

Trippy Tunnels & Spirals

I'm gonna check these out after smoking some when I get home. Terrance McKenna was talking about these when he took 2 really strong hits of DMT, going through a tunnel, thinking that he died.

420 Numerology

okay, so I've been seeing the usual numerology with triple numbers. Just seen 1:11am an hour ago. 222, 333, all the way to 999. I see these numbers frequently. But lately, all I've been seeing is 420.

It got so crazy, that after I got home from work today, I am standing looking outside the window. Then I say to myself "I'm gonna smoke". I look at the clock, and it's 4:20. I laughed out loud. it was actually 5:20, but the time has changed and this one clock didn't. so I saw this number.

I've been seeing 420 everywhere for a while now. gonna go do some research on what it means now. and I know it doesn't just mean to smoke ganja.

Am I in Love?

so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?

I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.

One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.

In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.

So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.

Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.

I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?

I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.

This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.

My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.