Wednesday, February 18, 2009

my Counselor

so i'm 1 class away from graduating, and i got this counselor that i been with who also teaches the class im taking and a few other classes that i already took with him. this guy is a legend. he is from the South Bronx and been through the whole system as a teenager. first started with gangs, then progressed to more serious crimes, and then eventually got into college, etc.. and became a cop. one way i could describe him is that he is Arnold Schwarzenegger only outside the movies. he is bigger then life. he knows what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. he knows how to handle himself in the streets and is also book smart.

most people like him and everybody wants to be around him. many people want to be close to him and probably kiss his ass like there is no tomorrow. when i first met him he was real cool but then i realized he's sort of disconnected from people he deals with. im sure he got everybody trying to suck on his energy, so he distances himself from folks and acts unattached like cops are trained to act when they investigate a murder scene.

anyway, it was all good and i started talking to him very similarly like im unattached-strictly business. and then something happened. i thought i was just like everybody else but then one day i was asking him for help on how i could improve myself because im clueless on how to live and wanted his advice. so he gave me some pointers and then afterward i thanked him and was about to be out. but he stopped me and said something like "wait a minute! i wanna tell you that my door is always open to you and especially you. i think you're a very honorable man and your thirst for seeking out knowledge is very admirable." something like that.

so ever since then i been kinda scared to see him. it's so weird because anytime i know i have any sort of relationship with someone i get real scared. my inferiority complex appears out of thin air and i have trouble even calling him on the phone to schedule an appointment! i think a meaningful relationship scares the living shit out of me, even if it is with my counselor or some strange person who i just met.

i left a message for him because i want his advice on life after college with jobs, rent, etc.. survival and stuff. i didn't think hed call me back because he's so busy but then i'm sitting here watching tv. and i remembered the part from that meditation book i was reading last night. it said something like:

most people aren't aware of the universe and how it really is because they are always inside their own mind controlled by their own ego. always thinking about themselves and how the whole world relates to them. me, me, me. but when you meditate enough and you have a realization that it is all of us that are connected and we are all one, you will be liberated...

that part was so deep to me i was like whoa.. and the second that thought came to my mind the phone rings and it's my counselor. it's crazy. the book i mean and all the truth in it. but back to my story. i get real nervous around this guy and feel small. i'm gonna invite him to my graduation like my other counselors from city college and a few other folks who helped me through school. i'm pretty sure he's gonna show too or at least swing by. if he doesn't, he'll save me the embarrassment. that day is gonna be 1 day in hell for me. i never walked before. not in high school, and not in city college. and all because i am embarrassed as hell of my family. they are the most embarrassing thing in the world. especially my mom's boyfriend. arghhh just thinking about that day sends shivers down my spine. but it is inevitable. who cares though, before i know it it will be all over. it's just that all these people would be looking at me thinking.. "he's with THEM? rofl" cuz i swear being around my mom and my dad wannabe is like being in the movie brady bunch. and that's totally how my mom is NOT like. he just converted her into being that white cuz dude is from orange county.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Nightmare inside of a prison

the dream was long and it had to do with me catching diff buses but the nightmare began when i saw my bus arriving and i started running towards the bus stop. i take this entrance thinking it will lead me there but then when i run in i see a female security that sneezes towards my direction. i was like you dont happen to have cold do you? then i'm like where am i? she goes 'you're inside of a Maximum Security Prison. i was like well can you let me out i gotta catch my bus. she goes no because the tour is about to start and prisoners is about to be out here. so i was like wtf?!?

then the male guard goes just sit on this chair. and it's a tall chair right in the walking area where i'm standing i was like can i sit over there? it was some fence and a couple sitting there. one of them fences with 3 wires running from left to right and you can jump over it with lots of rows behind it like on football field only its metal seats. he goes just sit in that chair i was like pleeeeeease can i sit behind the fence cuz i was scared and he was like ok.

so i sit behind the fence and right away the whole thing started moving towards the right like i'm on a rollercoster or something and all these prisoners appear out of thin air right across us. HUGE GUYS! and i could just feel the evil in the air. one real tall and buff guy got on the fence rocking it in front of the couple i sat next to. and the seats move us towards prison walls and this one mexican prisoner spits on the insides of the wall right before i enter it. it got so scary because the hole we going into is REAL NARROW. feels like i'm in a cave barely passing through. so i start to focus and wait 16 seconds then transport out of there like you can do in wow. then the dream shifts to where i'm outside the prison and i see some prisoners near by so i start running so they don't see me. i see a huge fense wall so i start to climb over it and eventually get on the other side. then i see prisoners following me which looked like they wanted to escape too. so as i get out i see a police car coming so i get rid of my prison shirt that i was wearing and get inside of a pool to swim so i look like im a regular. then i woke up and couldnt go back to sleep for at least 20 mins or so..

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Great book on Meditation!

I just got this book on meditation and so far it is amazing! I couldn't stop reading chapter 1; it was the smoothest and fastest read ever. Some of the concepts and explanations on life are so deep that they are beyond my understanding.

This book focuses on the breathing meditation that comes from South and South East Asia. Everything in this book is tied into Buddhism and I am very excited to read it because I have a very profound view of Buddha.

If you're interested in meditation, mos def pick this up! Mindfulness in Plain English

I wanna add a couple more things. The author must've had a lot of experience living in America because he talks about a lot of issues we as society go through and how meditation relates to them. There is so much truth on what he is saying about the western culture we live in and the problems we all face as civilization living in our modern cities, that for a moment he made me forget im reading a book on meditation. And there is this other part where he was saying something like... you're happy one moment and life is great, you think to yourself this is it i've found what i was looking for. but then before you know the fun is over and you somehow sink back into the depth of your old ways of living and something is missing. This was so true for me after i took that workshop. OMG after the workshop i thought my life will never be the same and ill always be happy going to clubs talking to chicks and spreading the love. but after about a year things got stale and i slowly got back into my old ways of being a loner. I slowly stopped trying to talk to everybody being mr. social guy because i slowly realized it was never me to begin with. And looking back i understand why i changed back to my old ways. I don't know exactly if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but i do know this is exactly what the author was talking about. When i was being all happy talking to people deep inside something was missing. I couldn't figure out what it was but i was like... something aint right. And a lot of the times i was putting on a front like im this alpha "hey hey hey" guy so i stopped.

I just hope the rest of the book is going to be as good as chapter 1.