Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Where do I go from here?

so about a week ago I took the last 4 to 5 hits from the joint that the tranny I was with left me. I texted her a few times, considering I get really social after I smoke. she ended up calling me and we talked for a while. This was on Tuesday, I think. And she said that she was going to So Cal to get her breast surgery done. I thought okay, that's cool. Then she said that she re-scheduled her sex reassignment surgery, and I was the first person she told this to. I guess I felt honored, but surprised since she was so sure on doing it. Maybe I talked her out of it, at least for now?

Now here comes the kicker. We made plans for this Friday night that just passed. And at around 6pm on Friday, I get a text from her "something just happened. I can't meet you tonight. sorry." At first I was like 'oh no, did her mother die?' Me being the gullible guy that I am. Then I started thinking and realized that one of her clients probably booked a session with her. I had to call and cancel the hotel reservation I made the night before.

Here is the thing, she has a regular job, but I don't know exactly how stable and how profitable it is. outside of that job, she also escorts. And in the end, where does that place me? She said she is looking for 'friends... with benefits'. You know, I don't really mind that, except that we never meet because every time I make plans with her, she flakes like this Friday, or just goes silent when I ask her when are you free? She even mentioned that 'if love comes, that's okay too' the very first time we spoke on the phone. So hold up... you escort and get paid big bucks to fuck strange clients, and you want me for love? I don't feel very comfortable, or even good about doing things with you, let alone giving you love.

Now here is another kicker. She is already in LA; left today. And I thought to myself, "is she going to be 'working' there too?" So, I check craiglist in LA area... after about 15 minutes, I say to self... "ahhh I'm tired of browsing ads, I'm done." But I left like 3 ads open. and ironically, she was in one of those ads!!! lmaoooo you know, this isn't even funny but I can't help but laugh. is she looking for fun? is she looking for money? does it even matter at this point? I just feel so alone, that seeing her being with all these men makes me want to be more distant than I was from her. I understand she needs money, but how long will she be doing this? She was telling me that once she gets her pussy, it wouldn't be as exhausting because "I'll just lay there, and take the fucking." Okay, so... are you planning on escorting for the rest of your life? When is this gonna end? Surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting>surgery>escroting. That's what it looks like it to me. After you do a surgery, you gotta get your money back by hooking. and after you get your money back at some point, you gotta get your money's worth. And then you get addicted, and then it just becomes your life. and then you want me to lick your ass??? HEEEEELLLL NO! I gotta say... I took the biggest risk of my life rimming this girl, when she escorts. And now the more I learn about her, the more I don't want to see her and do sexual favors for her.

Now she said that after the surgery, she won't be seeing anyone for a while. So, I guess she'll want to use me for emotional support right? Someone who'll be there for her, and comfort her. This is really fucked up, and makes me really sad. I wanna cry seeing this shit. Beautiful women who go out and get their brains fucked by alpha, good looking males with huge dicks, and when it's time to get all cuddly, and have someone hold them, I'm supposed to appear like I didn't just see the first part? The worst part about this whole thing is, I am completely alone. I have no friends, and never had a girlfriend. Meeting this girl... for free... was like a miracle. I have not a single clue how it happened. She actually told me that I got her attention because I knew her name, as we've met before. If I didn't, she wouldn't have replied to my e-mail. I guess it shows me that anything is possible. But I really want to go out this Thursday to a strip bar, because I am tired of being alone thinking about this girl, when she is too busy getting fucked by strange men.

It will be really interesting to see her reaction if she ever sees me out. Will she get mad? She has no fucking right to get mad. She is constantly out trying to make money. And how do I know she is not out just to get fucked because she's horny? She texted me multiple times that she's horny, but I told her I stay at home so it's not like she can just come here and get fucked. And her mother is visiting her right now, so I can't exactly go and fuck her at her place. And technically, we only fucked once that firs time. She knows I'm inexperienced because I told her. Is that another reason she could be looking for sex with guys?

Yeah, it's all bad. But now I realized that I must do whatever it takes to get my own life together. Fuck this girl. I don't take her seriously anymore. Even after she comes calling me after her surgery. I'm gonna bring all this stuff up to her, because I think it's fucked up to use good guys like me in this way. This is why I got into Pick Up, but it's filled with pieces of shits like RSD, and all the retards who worship them. I can't be around that fuckery now, even though I wanna get back into the game soon to get my power back that I feel like I lost almost completely. But first thing, I need to get my own place. Once that happens, look for better employment, or better yet study for another IT certificate that can get me more money. I don't know exactly, but I need to start planning out my life, than having this one-itis crush with an escort.

Some days I just wish that people, especially this tranny, would know how lonely I am, and how disconnected I feel from the whole humanity. Tears are rolling down my eyes after typing this. I feel so cold, and alone, the words can't even express how empty this feeling is inside my soul. I literally have no one, but my mom and a few other people who are never around. And when they're gone, who will be there for me? I complain about having a hard time getting along with my mom, but when she's gone, how will I feel then? I thought about that a week ago. I don't know how to make friends. How do you invite people into your life, when you don't have one? "Hey, come and hang out with me in my room, where I stay most of my free time?" or "let's hang out at the beach, where I go to once a month all by myself"?

Life is hard. That's all I really gotta say right now. I just pray it will get better for me one day. Hopefully soon... Blogging this feels so good. I feel like I just had a therapy session. I need to cry more often, and let all my pain out. Tired of keeping it all inside from years of misery and loneliness.


Anonymous said...

dont despair. im your age and just had a stroke and now hemiplegic and people everywhere are so nice. I suggest you open up a bit and show your feelings more people are more interested in you than you think. maybe do some volunteer work with the disabled to get some perspective. your body is fine you just need to heal your mind somehow.

Sp said...

Thanks. I really appreciate your feedback.

why did you get the stroke? if you don't mind me asking. I worked with a guy in a mailroom back in high school that had his whole left side paralyzed. never knew what it was called till now.

Anonymous said...

I had an arterial disection, a chance of 1 in a million and you cant predict it. I also had for some reason a smaller brain blood vessel on one side where the stroke happened it was not symmetrical. they are still waiting to see if its moya moya disease. I sure hope not. the stroke happened after a fast ride in a theme park. the dissection caused a blood clot to form which ended up in the smaller vessel. I do think young people in high school have very good chance of recovering so im kind of jealous it happened early. but i cant complain too much it could have been worse.

Sp said...

so are you gonna be alright? can you fully recover? I know this may sound corny, but watch The Secret. it could give you a good motivation to get better.

Anonymous said...

Nobody knows, but my prognosis is not good based on scientific research. young people recover more than older but im 3 months post-stroke and still have no finger,wrist and a drop foot. I may have a drop foot the rest of my life and my physical therapist said only 1-2% of people in my situation generally recover full hand function. I have to become an outlier to succeed. but who knows maybe they invent some kind of implantable artificial brain. i have to keep hope.

Sp said...

well, good luck to you with your progress. I really think you should watch the Secret. it talks about The Law of Attraction and the power of your mind. no scientific research comes even close to how powerful your mind is, if you use all of its power. i know it's easier said than done, but hey there is one alternative for you.

one man in that film crashed in an airplane and got paralyzed. the doctor said he'll never be able to walk or even move for the rest of his life. very inspiring story.