Thursday, January 30, 2014

Have you ever watched a movie and felt like you've seen it before?

I just watched Finder's Fee, and I knew almost every step of the way what would happen. Then at the very end I felt like I've seen it before, but the strange thing is I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT!!!

maybe it was so long ago or maybe there was already a movie like this that this was a re-make of? I don't know. this is weird, but I have never experienced this before...

I think I smoked too much weed or something at one time of my life and just happened to watch this film.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Ronaldo, Brazil's Eddie Murphy

I know this is old news, but one of my Brazilian customers told me about this scandal.

So, I looked it up. Funny as hell. Ronaldo said that "after he found out they were men" he sent them away. YEAH THE FUCK RIGHT!! you just like trannies, Ronald. SAY IT AINT SO!!! Don't worry, though. I like trannies too. so, you're not all alone on this one. But apparently in Brazil, they look down on you if you are gay or have some sort of gay fetishes (i.e. into trannies) in sports. According to one Brazilian judge who straight up dissed Ronaldo, soccer is supposedly a 'virile' sport.

One thing I can't stand how misinformed the media is, who all think that Transvestites are the same as Transsexuals. let me school you on this real quick. Transvestites=men who dress as women. Transsexuals aka Trannies aka Shemales aka Chicks with Dicks=women who USED to be men but now take hormones, have boobs, ass, no body hair, and some of which you can't even tell if they are men any longer and can totally pass as women. Transvestites=men, Transsexuals=women with OR without dicks. see? TV=men, TS=women. men, women. male, female. pre-op, post-op. are we finally learning something? goooooooood. masculine, feminine. yin, yang. baby steps. baby steps.

I remember when Eddie Murphy got caught picking up a tranny hooker, I actually fell for him saying he just wanted to help and was looking out for her safety. looking back, damn I was gullible. Ain't no big star like Eddie would be picking up a random tranny hooker to tell her to be careful. GETTHEFUCKOUTTAHERE!!! you like chicks with dicks, Eddie. SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!!!

I wonder what the 3rd one looks like...

Sunday, January 19, 2014

49ers LOST and I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!

So, I'm at work and the 9ers are playing. My co-workers are like OOHH OHHH they are close 17/20, blah blah. Mind you, these are 2 girls. I'm a guy and I'm supposed to care about this. So, anyway I take my break and go upstairs. I sit down to read my book and I hear the TV in the lunch room next to the dressing room blasting with the game on. I'm like FUCK IT, let me go see who is gonna win/lose. The second I go out of the locker room, I already hear "49ers lost, I'm having a heart attack". I'm like THEY LOST!?!?! hahahahhahahaaa!!! I literally laughed out loud. I go into the lunch room and everybody is sad. A black lady comes out all upset mumbling something. Another dude is standing there with his face glued to the television all fucked up inside. At this point I am LMAO!!! especially on the inside CUZ I JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT!!!!!!! Before I go into just why I don't care, watch this video

I just think it's funny that all these masses today can worship their idols, but IM the weirdo when I got an altar at home with a statue of my Goddess. IM the weirdo when their whole world evolves around their favorite team, and their entire state of being evolves around who wins or loses.

Man this whole day is hilarious to me. I get on BART and all I see is red. One guy looks like he was just crying for the last 10 minutes. People take this sports shit way too seriously.

But not like I'm some clueless fuck. I understand. I used to care about sports back when Jordan was around. Chicago Bulls was my favorite team, and Michael was my favorite player. I was rooting for him and the last championship they won was a big deal to me. I just don't care anymore once he left. The game isn't the same, and it's all a bunch of bullshit to me. All of it. I don't watch or care about any sports.

But I just thought the whole day was funny. I was LMFAO, mostly on the inside, and a few times out loud, when I see all the flock grazing next to a television set talking about "I think I'm gonna cry"... LMFAO!!! GETTHEFUCKOUTTAHERE!!!!!!

The same people who treat me like a weirdo and keep their distance are part of that flock, btw. isn't that funny? Fuck them all. I can't stand to be around most humans nowadays. The older I get, the more I realize just why that is.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Being alone is really really hard

So many things are happening right now. My mom had a NDE, Near Death Experience, this past Saturday. It really hit me. I am all alone. But if my mom is gone, then what? What will really happen to me? I am at a point where I will have to work my ASS off to get on track and get on my own two feet while my mom is still here supporting me. I don't have to pay rent or worry about getting a career. Working at a crappy retail job can fly right now, but will it if I'll want to get my own place? HELL NO! Retail is equivalent to collecting table crumbs while others with say a scripting or programming skills get all the money.

Then so many things are happening in my personal life. Me being such a loner. It really hurts me to the point where I want to cry for hours. But I am so depressed, that tears won't even come out. It's just all this sadness that's built up inside of me and I just sit here feeling overwhelmed not wanting to cry, or even try anymore.

I had a friend a few years back, my only friend back then. He once told me that he admires that I am able to be alone because it is one of his biggest fears. He needed people around him constantly. But he is full of life and people are attracted to his confidence and thirst for living. And it hurts so bad being so lonely. I feel so much pain in my soul, I got tears building up under my eyes right now. Just not enough to make me cry.

And so much drama going on at work. I try to be social, I really do. Matter of fact, I don't try too hard but just am open to chatting and socializing with co-workers. But most of them don't care! I am not socially awkward like I used to be. I am actually socially intelligent, and read others' energies pretty well before I gage social situations, unless I am going out which is a totally different story. Anyway, so we got this new guy who ignores me almost 100% of the time outside of bye and hi. He'd rather talk to a manager about some shit they don't even know, then to ask me, someone who has been with a company for over a year and could teach him a thing or two. Some people like him really avoid me and treat me like I am different. And hey, I AM different, but I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I am more positive than I have ever been, non-judgmental, and one of the coolest guys you would ever meet. But people like this dude always treat me like I don't exist or even worth talking to.

Another thing that is pissing me off is this. Why is it that if you are a good guy, and really try and go out of your way to help someone, they either don't care, or end up walking all over you? I had a female friend at work. She found out I can give her rides, so at some point she started abusing me. She first asked me to stay 1 hour after my shift just so I could give her ride. Me being the good guy that I am, I did at first. Then the only time she'd ever text me or call me is when she'd need rides after work. I stopped staying extra hour after work after that one time, and started taking bus to work some days to avoid her. Then I just started flat out lying that I didn't drive because I felt abused and that our whole friendship consisted of me giving her rides. It's fucked up, don't you think?

Another female co-worker I got. She is a few months new. I found out that we have a lot in common. We both have crazy insomnia, PTSD, both have dysfunctional families, and somewhat psychic experiences like Sleep Paralysis and heard voices. I really tried helping her. I brought her this CD with hypnotherapy I bought for myself for sleep a while back. Brought her natural herbal sleeping pills, which she refuses to take, burned her a DVD FILLED with meditation CDs that would help her sleep, and even bought her a stone that helps with psychic protection and that helped me sleep in the past. And the most fucked up thing is, SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE! I don't feel like she really appreciates it all that much, if at all.

Today she comes in hiding behind a rack organizing stuff instead of coming out to the register where I am standing. So, I was like wth...? I said hey. Her reaction: hey, what's up?... which was so distant and aloof. I try so hard to form some sort of a connection based on our similar experiences, but she doesn't give a flying fuck! So, today I just said FUCK IT! FUCK THAT BITCH! if there is anything I learned in life, is that you just need to stop giving a fuck and be 10x more distant than people are to you. I try so hard to be close to some folks out there, but they don't care. Seems like they all got friends, family, closed ones, and they don't need an extra one, or two. And I am the only lonely soul in the universe on a never ending quest for friendship and connection, like Donnelly fucking Miller. It's sad as hell and I don't care anymore. FUCK THESE BITCHES! FUCK THEM ALL! THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL! FUCK OFF!!! I WON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD AND ACT DISTANT AND ALOOF. and if these bitches act the same, I don't care anymore. Why is it that I always gotta be the initiator and someone who helps others, when not only do they not care, but they probably judge me and think I'm weird in some way?

But the sad part is, guys my age don't want to befriend me neither. Guys my age are either married with kids, got and/or have had multiple girlfriends talking about 'settling down'. I can't make friends with girls because they are girls and want me to have my own life and then socialize with them on a side, which is like... never. When I don't really have a life and need to work on my self and on my issues in order to get a 'life.' And I can't make friends with guys because I am way too inexperienced for my age, so guys tend to think I'm weird and/or I get on their 'nerves'. I deleted a bunch of people from my phone today because I just said fuck it. What's the point of having people in my cell when no one will ever call. I told this one 'friend' I had that he only calls me when he wants access to me (like when he wanna go out and don't got his other friend(s) that would come with him), you know what he said? "That's gay". Everything is fucking gay to this dude. I wouldn't be surprised if he is gay. Why is everyone so fucking gay these days and they act homophobic and deny it to the teeth when they probably want some dick? No homo and all. I just find it strange. So I deleted him from my phone.

Fuck everyone! I am at that point right now.

I liked this girl at work but right away saw bad signs. Good signs were that 1) I found her attractive and she was very thick and my 'type', 2) I felt like she was interested at first. Bad signs was that she got into a group that will NEVER EVER EVER accept me and just treat me like an outsider, an outcast. So, if I somehow went with her, most people in the group would vilify me. I tried talking to her once, but I was nervous. Really fucking nervous. That's another bad sign. My PTSD hits the roof when I am around her. And from experience I should just leave her the fuck alone because it could be some sort of energy coming from her, or maybe we are incompatible. Either way, I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE! FUCK HER!

FUCK ALL THESE BITCHES!!!!! I will be distant and cold. The more I am warm, and helpful, the more people don't care and act distant. I'll just act like I got stuff going on in my personal life and I could give less fuck about them. Working at retail and with all these young people, it's nothing but drama and disappointment. It's really interesting how I wanted to be around young people. But most of them are way too immature, negative, and judgmental to be on my level. Most of them vibrate on such a low level, I can only take it so much before I stop giving a fuck. And I am past that point. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am focused on getting independent and learning how to be on my own, standing on my own two feet without relying on anyone. Fuck helping everyone trying to save the world. I gotta worry about me first. And once I save myself, I may meet a friend or two. All these other people are fake, phony, and pretenders. FUCK THEM ALL!!! I swear to god I see them judging me in their eyes. Either it's 80%, 50%, 30%, 5%, or even 1-3%. It's really really really rare that I meet someone with a clear gaze that got positive, uplifting, loving, higher vibrational energy. They are that rare, and I am starting to think I am one of them...

Saturday, January 4, 2014

I ate meat today

So, I did something I haven't done in YEARS. I ate red meat, grilled steak burrito at Chipotle to be exact. And here is why. I for some strange reason has been developing these soars. They feel like my skin is getting thinned out or how should I say this, thinning out(?) at the thumbs. First it was my right thumb. I thought, wth? Maybe I bruised? Then today I noticed it's both thumbs. Is it because I am always closing at my job and gotta count the money at cash registers? Hmmm... not sure. I have been working for over a year doing that and this problem has never occurred. So, I thought 'what is it?' I even asked my body, my cells, all the being that live inside of me "Why am I having this problem? is something wrong? what is it?" Then I thought that maybe it's my diet. I have been first a vegetarian, then a vegan, and now I became a pesceterian. But I haven't touched red meat, or even chicken in years. So, I thought it is time my body gets some of it.

The one main thing I notice about eating red meat especially, is that my body becomes stronger, much much stronger. When I am doing my daily martial art forms, I become more solid and 'tough' so to speak. But I dislike and don't eat red meat because of how disgusting, inhumane, and wrong all the poor cows are treated, and slaughtered in America without any sort of respect for their life. They get treated so harshly, tortured on the "ORGANIC" DAIRY farms, so that us humans can enjoy their fresh whole milk, and their meat. And I have also witnessed with how little respect these animals get treated at restaurants. Fresh meat, chicken, and even fish are thrown away by the dozens because someone didn't like its taste. FRESH FOOD GETS THROWN OUT BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ITS TASTE!!! and this is what I help to support and fuel everytime I pay for a meal with meat? FUCK NO! So, I take a stand to never eat it. But my body is acting strange and yet I am healthy, I feel like it is deteriorating.

Now, I also am not sure maybe it is because I have been focusing on having Astral Projections, OBEs, Out of Body Experiences, whatever you call them. And have had one at least once per week. Am I having too many per month? Which would be strange because some people are having them every night and yet they have no problems with thumbs or any other body parts. I have had one guy told me he travels every night and it's normal for him.

I will see in a few days if my thumbs get better. if so, I just need some meat. if not, hmmm... I don't know then. I'll find out though.

But I didn't feel like I liked meat today when I ate that burrito. I really thought I would miss it and feel AMAZING eating it. But it was... okay. nothing special. I guess I am so used to having a clear system, that red meat didn't even fit right. Interesting how we don't really need something that we think we need because it tastes good. You can break any addiction or pleasure you are used to if you really put your mind to.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Fuck Chris Rock!!

fuck Chris Rock's racist ass. crack crack crack FUCK YOU! STFU WITH YOUR RACIST HUMOR. YOU'RE NOT FUNNY WHEN YOU ARE BECAUSE UNDERNEATH THAT HUMOR THERE IS RACISM. racism is not funny. and you need to STFU with that shit. so many black people become racist after seeing all this racist shit that supposedly funny.

stupid ignorant ass. STFU!!!!!!!!!!

It's 2014 and I just don't give a fuck!!

watching Jay & Silent Bob Strike back, funny as shit, then funny, then kinda funny, then funny as shit... man this movie is good though. smoking some riefer, whatever's left of it anyway. Missed the countdown to 2014... I DONT GIVE A FUCK!!! FUCK TV I DONT WATCH IT! FUCK THE RADIO!

and just focusing on money. once I get money, I get my freedom. my own place, my own independence, my own Tranny bad ass bitch from Brazil. senhora muito bonita. another thing I love about Brazil is that there is no fruitiness among gays. I don't really consider myself gay but like trannies makes me gay to a lot of normal people out there. and in Brazil, when you see a Tranny, you'll most likely think she is a real bitch. that's sexy as fuck to me. plus I get to fuck her for years and never get her pregnant.

anyway, I'm going back to watch that movie. fuck this shit. Happy New Years and all that bullshit. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!