I just saw a Goddess, pt. 2

As I was talking about this earlier, I just saw her again. As I was walking by, she was coming into the building from a balcony. As we got close, we both realized each others' presence. The good news is, she is a loner like me. The bad news is, she doesn't seem to be interested in me at all. At least that's how I read her. She looked away right away and kept on walking.

But there is another girl that I think really likes me. I actually managed to talk to her a week before last, and got her name! Felt so good afterwards. She even asked me mine when didn't hear it and asked me about what part of the company I work at. Will blog more about her if anything ever comes out of this. Stay tuned.

I just saw a Goddess

WHOOOO!!! DAMN!!! I just saw the hottest girl I have probably ever seen. you know, before I came to this country, I had a dream to grow up, marry a blonde, and have 2-3 children with her. then the inevitable happened, I started to watch the liberal media, hating my white skin, and wanting to go with black girls. I digress.. but DAMMNN!!!

this girl was about my height, really thick, blonde hair, blue eyes, white olive skin. maybe I will have her next lifetime. can't really say anything in this corporate world without getting in trouble. and especially me, someone with not so much social experience of the opposite sex. make her uncomfortable, and hear from your boss with "nice working with you". Happened to me before. I've seen this happen to co-workers before. that's just the rules in this place. she sat a table away, and then left after like 30 seconds. HANDS DOWN THE HOTTEST GIRL I HAVE SEEN IN THIS WHOLE COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A EUROPEAN GODDESS!!!!!!!!!

going to lunch now. maybe I can see her again, so I can stare when she's not looking, so I don't look like a creep... lol

Manifestations of Life

reminds me of that post I made long time ago where I welcome positivity. but I was living in the midst of the most toxic negative shithole I've ever experienced.

I'm getting back into that mindset, though. and starting to watch videos like this daily, at least try to. I mean all the news stuff and the world blowing up soon is nice, but I need a break from that.

one girl at work likes me...

here we go again... these are the stages women who like me go through...

Stage 1: who is that?
Stage 2: why isn't he talking to me?
Stage 3: is he gonna take to me? *grows impatient*
Stage 4: omg.. wth is his problem?
Stage 5: fuck him! *gets really mad*

not all end up in stage 5, but I've seen a few and they get heated!! lol. what can I say... I am a fucking mess. usually, women who like mysterious guys like me. because I am a big question mark.

I really wanna get better with women and people, I really do. unfortunately, the corporate world is not a good place to practice. I have been fired from a job for trying to talk to a woman. I have seen guys get fired for trying to talk to women on the job. if you are nervous in a corporate world environment talking with a woman, all she has to do is go tell her supervisor that you made her uncomfortable. and that would be your job. is it worth it? fuck no! but anyway...

this girl looks either latin or middle eastern. she is fine as helllll!!! probably the finest girl I've seen in the whole company. I've seen her a few times working the front window, and saw her walk home today as well. I really wanna get back into pick-up one day, but I stopped approaching almost completely due to money, no friends, and me not having independence. I am way too ashamed with my living situation, my age, and having nothing to show for. what else can I say. life goes on...

I love this song

Taylor Swift - Blank Space

update

so a lot of things happened since I blogged last time about self-esteem issues and the Colombian Tranny.

I really thought she left me, and was ignoring me, due to all of the people from my past always leaving me. But not long after, I get a text from her... "Hola"... I was like WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!! this was a huge shock because 1) she was very distant, and didn't return my text a few times, and 2) I called and left her a voice mail asking her why she so distant. is it something I did? is it something I said? she did NOT call me back.

turns out, she was just exhausted from her surgery, and didn't even set up her voice mail. lol!!! this really shows me how much chaos I have in my mind, and all of us really. I had so many people in my life leave me, I thought it happened again. but it was all in my mind. crazy thing is, it made me stronger. I literally felt like I fell in love, and the girl broke my heart. it was the worst feeling in the world! It was so bad, I wanted to die. I couldn't function normally. I couldn't do homework, I couldn't watch any movies, I couldn't do anything but think about this girl ALL DAY! And in the end, I just shut her off, and realized that I have to move on and love myself unconditionally. without doing that, I'll always be fucked up with people not wanting to do with me.

it's been really hard, though, since she has her mother visiting her, and I live with mine. so getting together was a challenge. we had sex unexpectedly after we went shopping on black Friday. her mother was sleeping in the bedroom while we were fucking in the middle room. you know, the old me would've never did this. but I thought that I gotta take more risks.

the thing is, she flaked on me the next day when we were supposed to meet in a hotel again. she spent all her money on clothes, and had to "work" again. I was really mad and disappointed, but she has to work and make money like all of us. her life is very unpredictable, and I learned to accept that. another thing I learned is that she doesn't even have sex most of the time with her clients, which was a real shock to me. many guys who like trannies are into weird stuff that I won't even get into.

I don't have a lot of time and I gotta get ready for work. But the biggest news right now is that she is going to get her full sex reassignment surgery. I just dropped her off at the hospital, and the surgery will take place in about an hour. it's a real disappointment for me because you know... I prefer pre-op trannies, and it hurts me whenever they do this sort of thing. but she wants to be best friends with me because we are so much alike, and thinks it's better that way. I tried real hard to change her mind, but it's her body and she is real set on doing this. I told her that I will always love her, and not sure if she feels the same way about me. But I don't care. I don't wanna pressure her or make her love me the same way. it is what it is.

I just realize that this is where I belong, the trans community. I went out with her to a bar last week to see her 'work'. it was an interesting experience, and she knows all the trannies at the bar. I learned a whole lot being around her about the people in the community, and what is really going on opposed to me always going out alone.

the irony about today is, it's my last day of work with the current company. and so is her last day of being a pre-op transsexual. in a few hours she'll be a woman with a pussy. I won't have a laptop anymore, and she won't have a dick. bummer. no homo and all. yes tranny.

I just had the Biggest Shock of my Life

so after making my last blog entry about me being in Love with the Colombian Tranny, I kept thinking about her. and I kept thinking about why does everyone always leave me? WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!?!?!?! I am 35 years old, just lost my virginity with this girl, and yes she is a girl in my eyes, and I have no friends. This was always the biggest question in my life, why does everyone always leave me?

so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.

so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!

All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.

Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.

I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.

I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.

So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?

Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.

About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.

When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.

So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.

Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.

Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.

And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.

Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.