Saturday, December 9, 2017



man... I think I really am going to see the new Black Panther movie. I really wanna have a good laugh. this utopian black society doesn't exist anywhere on the planet. never have. every Ancient Civilization wasnt African, but complete opposite. having Africans exist as a minority like among the Moors, doesnt make entire Moors population African. an average IQ of an African is 70 (average, meaning 85% of picking random people out of an all black population randomly), borderline retarded. AA (mixxed with European ancestry of about 20%) IQ is raised to 85. Sub-Saharan Africa on its own havent produced shit outside of mud huts. Truth must be told, and it's all backed up by evidence History and Science. good book u can get free version on nook is Race, Evolution and Behavior by J. Philippe Rushton. You can see a lot of pissed off black people rating the book one star. But I can understand them. Who wants to learn the hard truth about themselves n about their people? Who would accept the fact that this is exactly why black people act the way they are every where in the world-lower IQ and Emotional Intelligence=more easily prone to violence due to lack of awareness. Rioting, looting, mob violence, robbing and stealing, killing. animal abuse, torture (google on what blacks do and how they torture their victims in South Africa, if you think your stomach can handle it. I understand this is communism, but keep in mind these are black commie scum that have been indoctrinated by the same people that control them into hating the #1 enemy of the puppet masters-the white man)

Anyway, I think I'm getting way ahead of myself. I just thought that this meme is funny. KANGZ!

Friday, December 8, 2017

Looks, Money, Status

some parts of this video had me laughing for a good minute. reminds me back in my PUAHate posting days. The guys there were doing these Male Model experiments, and those were the funniest threads I read in my life. Girls would reply to craziest shit the more gl the guy was. I left 6-12 months before Elliot Rogers went on his killing spree cuz it was so toxic, but I don't remember him posting there. Maybe cuz he was just another screen name to me, or he wasn't posting back then..

Friday, December 1, 2017

RIP Topaz blog

so I been checking, but looks like Paz made it private. Can't blame him since he sort of sons himself every time. 1st he talks about personal stuff, and then he links his blog on toxic hiphop/sports websites like sohh, colli, etc.. that's why I stopped posting on sohh. and even when I did, I stopped linking my blog there.

one of my favorite parts about Paz' blog is the gay troll that came through talking about "open your asscheeks for me pazzy. por favooooorrr" lmao. Topaz, if you're reading this, that troll wasn't me. but I still think he was funny af trolling you no homo.

but even then, Topaz blog got a little bit too gay for me after he came out of the closet. always talking about wanting a bf, rants about drama in the black gay community. either way, gl in life Topaz, in whatever you do. I don't blog much either. I really want to focus on my personal life but my fears always get the best of me. Working on changing that.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

I'm sick + Snow Leopard Trust

I been smoking each time I don't nap, because it helps me sleep (just like naps do). But this last Sunday I overdid it and my throat got all irritated. Monday morning I woke up with a soar-throat, was yesterday I feeling like I may be sick. Later on in the day, it was more obvious. So as I was really tired, I went to bed early at 11:30. Woke up at 3am feeling the symptoms even stronger. I am at work now, but I will take tomorrow off. And I have a doctor's appointment today for my hands. The irony.

Then saw this video, and felt like sharing. Snow leopards actually don't have it as bad as Amurian Leopards, that are around 50 left in the whole world. I hope they both pull through, though.

I been smoking MJ every time I could not nap, so my system got overloaded and I think that's how I got sick. not the first time this happened. I guess my body is sensitive. Now I'm updating this post a few hours after work, and feel it in my throat like I wanna cough it all out but can't. Hard to sleep like this.

Friday, October 27, 2017

I hate rap but..

songs like this is why i used to listen to it

lyrics are about doing dumb shit, having fun, fucking bitches, enjoying life, beefing with niggaz, jump on cop cars, get shot up by police, dindu nuffin afterwards. same reason why i stopped listeniing to hip hop. but the flow is amazing!!!

she is good...

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I'm in prison

every fucking weekend it's the same shit. I stay home all day. I may go out to buy food or clothes, but outside of that, I am stuck in my own routine of doing absolutely nothing. you know.. I actually enjoy weekdays a lot more. yes, I still have no friends to hang out with and yes I am still miserable, but at least work keeps me occupied and sane. I feel like i am in prison. damn life is hard.  dont know how to break this pattern.

my biggest fear is to be stuck like this living with fear unto my 50s and 60s. with all my family gone, and me not having anyone left, who will look out for me? I stopped going out again cuz I dont really approach women 98% of the time when I do. I just get drunk and high. oh well. idk what to say. I'll just exist in this dimension of misery and hate every minute of it. Don't know how to do anything else. I've never actually lived this life. just existed.

Friday, October 6, 2017

PewDiePie is Funny as Fuck!

trolling the fuck outta Pepsi. and their commercial was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life!! some of his videos are cringe, though. like the one with his girlfriend... I still get shivers. Hey, this new place I moved into is more quiet. so much so, I feel it's too much. I wanna talk out loud sometimes. but its like a sanctuary here. it's good. peaceful. but too much. oh well, better than last place. PewDiePie respects whaamen!

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Ex Machina was good

my god. movies are so bad nowadays. I rarely watch any. but came across Ex Machina after watching Internet Historian latest video. the movie was awesome, and I wish every movie was like this. had me captivated the whole time, when 98% of movies I watch I go ADD. that's not even mentioning all the NWO propaganda that's being pumped into us by Hollywood. I'd say 9/10, because the ending I didn't  particularly like, unless there is a sequel...

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Steve Jabba is awesome

Pick-up is like meditation. but let's be real here. Jabba is a good looking guy. that helps a lot. looks DOES matter. anyone tells you it doesn't is full of shit...

Saturday, September 2, 2017

when will I start living?

I am 37 years old, soon to be 38, and I have never lived my life. I've always just existed, like a leaf floating in mid air, going towards any direction the wind blows.

I haven't been blogging lately due to several reasons, but this is one of them. when will I start living? will I go through life until it's my time to leave being miserable and lonely? I am just tired of blogging about the same shit, complaining about the same thing. and I give up so much. I really want to to get back into pickup but feel like I cant do this alone. its so efing hard. plus i really wanna move outta Cali. people here are so passive aggresive, its like they dont wanna be talked to. but i need 2 travel first to see the rest of US but im scared.

anyway. just wanted 2 let that off my chest. its hot af today. gonna go finish exercising and shower. maybe go to the beach..

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

headache woke me

cluster headache woke me 50 mins ago at 2am. went up so severe to 8-9 that eventually my whole left sinus side was full. sometimes I wonder if headaches are caused due to so much energy of a person's soul it cant hold it within one body so it leaks out through headaches. just a thought not sure is based in reality. im just glad af its over, bit i still feel 2-3 scale remnants. this pain hurts so much omfg.. dun wish it on my worst enemy.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

I can't get enough of Kevin McDonald

a man of truth and integrity. not a lot of people you could find these days..

No Porn No Fap

I managed to do this April 22nd to August 2. 4 Months, 1.5 weeks. No Porn No Fap is POWERFUL! Porn is the biggest toxic filth on the planet. If I was a dictator, I'd ban it and throw (((everyone))) behind it behind bars. It's really disgusting how they're destroying our society from every angle, but I digress.

After 2 months, I actually started to get horny again. I was literally numb down there. had no sex drive cuz I was a pornaholic and spending my pathetic lonely life viewing porn and fapping was the only sort of 'love' I ever received. so it filled the void, but it destroyed my life and libido.

No Porn No Fap helped me to study for certificate cuz I wasnt thinking about sex all the time. I mean I was but it didnt matter. I forgot how it really felt. now Im trying to get ahead and wanna start Pickup soon.

I only broke my No Porn No Fap cuz I started to go insane. I even managed to have a conscious release through Lucid Dreaming. but that wasnt enough. I started to think about hurting people and even beat the shit outta my pillow as therapy but still I needed a real release. Anyway, thanks to The Golden One for all the motivation on this No Porn No Fap program. He really motivated the hell outta me.

Now I hope I wont need sex for a while cuz thats how it usually goes since im older. hard to stay focused when I go out to clubs being all horny. Anyway, Im prod of myself, and I just moved too. will blog about this when I get time. the release was amazing too. was 2.5 longer and more intense. Sex is actually amazing and sacred, but when you abuse it, it will destroy your life and your mind.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Jewish Ritual Murder

I remember reading about Satanic children sacrifices on long time ago, but never did I imagine that it all leads back to Judaism and Kabbalah. I guess you could say that Jews symbolically sacrifice white Europeans today when they 1) push for open borders, bringing the muslims and blacks into Europe (and I know what whites go through living around muslims first hand), 2) control the narrative through the mass media they control by painting whites/cops/white rule as aggressors, and muslims/blacks they bring in with low IQ into high IQ white societies as victims, 3) brainwash the entire humanity in the west through our education system they control with Cultural Marxism, which further fuels the anti-white hatred of non-white minorities. And then they just sit back and watch all the violence that gets unleashed at white people. but when you dig deep enough and bring these facts up to the surface, you get labeled an "anti-semite" or a "nazi".

Jews sort of remind me of muslims. When their own people get exposed doing something wicked or evil, their group's representatives will send lawyers to shut you up, and do as much as possible to prevent the truth from getting out. CAIR or ADL, it's all the same shit but different toilet in the end. very fascinating documentary I just ran into, The Hidden Cult: the Jewish Ritual Murder

also, if you enjoyed it. read a book "Jewish Ritual Murder" by Arnold S. Leese. it's a short read and the documentary is based on it. Buy it or read it here for free

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

here we go again

another day, another cluster headache. started about 15 mins ago at 1. now at about 4. i took a break at work, went outside to take deep breaths of fresh air, and it JUST starting to go down as I started typing this. breathing deeply seem to be helping a lot. I drove these headaches away like this the whole year. I guess I was really lazy today and didn't start doing breathing exercises till headache got to 4. blogging for my records.

Saturday, June 24, 2017


so last night I was planning on going to this upscale bar. my friend calls me and says "hey, there is this club and I read in a newspaper that they'll have a good DJ. check the site and call me." So I did and texted her that there will be multiple DJs, but it's a pride weekend and they rented the entire place (this club usually has 2 events so one club split in half). So she says let's do this! I get ready and pick her up.

We park a block away, and as we get there, LITERALLY 98% OF THE CROWD IS GAY! I WAS LIKE WTF!?!?! AM I IN A TWILIGHT ZONE? THIS ISN'T EVEN A GAY CLUB! so we wait a long ass time in line cuz I guess it was full. I tell her "let's go to a bar next door". She goes NOOOOOOOOOOO! we're almost in blah blah blah. We eventually get in, the cover is $40 EACH!! even though it says 20-30 on the website. now I know you're probably thinking, this can't get any worse, right? IT DOES! AT LEAST 60% OF THE MEN ARE HALF NAKED IN SHORTS WITH SHIRTS OFF!!

I'm like let's get drinks, so I lead her upstairs and buy 2. SHE DISAPPEARS WITHOUT TELLING ME ANYTHING. I just moved a little bit to the wall to stand on top of the stands because it was so crowded, I was spilling drinks as people were bumping into me. so I wasn't going to go chase her, looking for her all over the club. I drink mine, and eventually start to drink hers. after finishing about 35% of her drink, she shows up " I was in a bathroom!"

I chit chatted some people to warm up (NO HOMO), and eventually spot this room where they did Tarot readings and VR. I bring her in there. she reluctantly follows. I tell her WTF ELSE U GONNA DO HERE?? plus these are FREE so who cares. We waited for our reading forever, cuz it took 10-15mins for each person, and there were 4 -5 people ahead of us with only 2 readers at the desk.

After we are done with Tarot she starts complaining "let's go to another club!" I tell her "look! it's almost 2am, and by the time we get there, they'll be closed. but this place closes at 4." then as I'm waiting to try the VR mask, she just leaves.

Then I get a text from her "Ur gay". I'm like WTF!!!?!?!?! she drags me to this PRIDE BULLSHIT, it ends up being nothing but homos, I pay for entrance and drinks, spending $120, AND NOW SHE IS CALLING ME GAY!??!?!? I tell her LOOK, I wasn't even going to come here, and only came because of u. I pay for everything, you leave me here, and now you insult me. that's fuked up. she texts me "come over". I tell her no. I'm gonna stay here a little more. I was a little tipsy with 3.5 drinks in my system, so I wanted to sober up a little before I drove home. I only met 2 girls that SEEMED they were straight. everybody else were lesbians (mostly couples.) some smelled really bad of sweat. I was one of the only straight looking guys there with normal going out clothes.

SO FUCK PRIDE! I learned that when I see the word "Pride" in an event, to steer clear of it. I mean I did meet a cool photographer, and chit chatted with some nice people, but overall this was NOT worth it. THE worst experience of 2017 going out so far.

I am going out to that upscale bar tonight. and if it turns out to be like this, I'll simply leave. At least it's free, unless they throw a special event for a party like they did last weekend. Will do some warm ups and approach some girls. I'm serious about improving my social skills, and life. It will just take a long time. But I don't care. I'm committed.

And in case you are wondering what that place looked here. here you go...

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Truth about Germany

I came across this video, and it depicts German history quiet well (in an indirect way)

if you don't get it, then listen to this speech by Benjamin H. Freedman. he talks about the REAL history of the WWII

Ironically, Mr. Freedman is himself Jewish. But he talks about what the Jews have done to Germany and the German people, the effects of which could be felt till this very day. The ultimate goal of Jews is total extermination of Germans and the death of Germany. just google The Hooton plan. And thanks to our education system, MSM, Hollywood, etc.. that Jews control, we are constantly bombarded and brainwashed with Cultural Marxist propaganda, painting the good guys as evil, and the evil ones as good. Just ask an average person what he thinks of Hitler, the only man who tried to save Germany, to get an idea. After the war, Hitler became the scapegoat, despite all the atrocities the Red Army has committed, as well as America (Eisenhower starved 2 million Germans to death).

The more I learn about the real history of this world, the more disgusted I feel with just how much lies we are filled, forced to believe they are truths.

“History is written By the victors” - Winston Churchill (another piece of shit who carpet bombed over 100,000 German civilians. fuck Churchill!)

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

a Girl Asked me out...

this just happened a few hours ago. I am a floating tech going building to building working with computers, and I was helping this new girl a few months back. So today I ended up in her building again cus I get sent there a lot. She's always been nice to me, and recognizes me, which is strange cuz most women in the corporate world environment are different and aloof. so today I see her in an elevator, and I say hello. she asks me some computer question and we just chit chatted. then as we get off I ask her where she's going for lunch. she says here to get something real quick. and then she goes "we should have lunch sometime so you can teach me about IT stuff". I said sure but since we were walking separate ways and she got me so off guard (this never happened before in my life!), I didn't know what to do. I thought about giving her my #, but we just parted ways with her going left and me going straight. not sure where this is going to go, and since I got red-pilled I am 100% against race-mixing (she looks Japanese and you know how Asians love white guys). but I don't want kids; still it could happen. either way. I'll post the update here if anything comes out of it.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Duterte is my hero

We need to do the same in America and the rest of the world.

Hitler was the last wall of resistance against these parasites, and for that they have destroyed Germany, and brainwashed the entire humanity into beLIEving he is the most evil man to walk the earth.

Tom Torero-the best Pick-Up teacher I found

after meeting all the disgusting douchbags like Tyler Durden and his RSD crew, I have been turned off by most of the "PUAs" in the community and took a long break. I really want to get back into pick-up, but finding an instructor that matches your style is no easy task. So far, this is the best guy I found, even though I haven't seen him in-field yet. but if you can find a better teacher, let me know.

I am doing a lot of studying, getting back into reading books, and setting goals. And once I'm ready, I'm going to start doing Pick-up. I don't want to be a miserable and lonely old man thinking about what I could've done in life. And if I let life pass me by, I may just end up that way...

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Love You Zindagi (Club Mix)

Heard this song on the Bollywood radio station. Love it!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

if Trump starts war with Syria...

he is gonna turn out to be just another globalist controlled puppet to install a Central Bank in Syria. I guess that's the result of hiring some unknown clueless amateur named Jared Kushner as a "Senior Advisor". His business' address is 666 Fifth Avenue. That alone is a bad sign. I really hope this is just one of those Trump tactics where he keeps people guessing, and he isn't really serious when he talks about the propaganda of Assad using "chemical weapons on children."

Who knows... only time will tell... but this will be the biggest backstab to Trump supporters if Trump sells out and goes to war with Assad. We just have to wait and see.

*Edit* just look at this shit

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

My situation

Today, I had a realization. I am living in a very similar environment as I was living when I was living in LA. Life is not as chaotic as it was back then, but it is still a big mess.

So I got back into playing World of Warcraft on a vanilla server. I hit 20 on Elysium

And Then I thought to myself, "there are too many people here, and it's hard to level." Plus, server went down every single day for almost 2 weeks. So, I rerolled on the less populated server-Zeth'Kur. I hit level 13

Then, after learning about all the drama on Elysium, I tried to make a suggestion. But then, I read in the suggestion section, that the staff would not even hear my suggestion. I wanted to suggest they create a separate 15x server. The staff said not to even bother asking for this, and that they will always be "true 1x Blizzlike server". I thought to myself "I can't take this anymore." I barely have any time, and any free time I have I end up spending in this game trying to level to 60. On top of that, blizzard could just come in and shut down the server at any moment, like they did Nostalrius. And all of those months if not years you spent into your character, would go down the toilet. So, again I rerolled on VanillaGaming, which is a much less populated server but at least they are 15x. So you spend 15 less time leveling and grinding. So, with the limited amount of time I have, I hit 60 within about 2 weeks

I played so much, that every free time I had I spent in this game. It got so bad, that tendons in my hands started to hurt. I was actually trying to recover from this, but playing this game made it 10 times worse. I'm officially on a one week sabbatical starting today from playing this game.

The realization that I had, was that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I will never recover from my real-life problems. I keep trying to escape my life, whether it's playing WoW, or having out of body experiences, I always end up being here in my body, miserable, lonely, and complaining about my circumstance.

I live in in-law, and sometimes all the walking that happens above me gets a little overwhelming. I keep trying to want to be left alone in peace. But today I realized that if that happens, I will always be poor. I will always live in cheap places, with noise problems, and ghetto people. Like my roommate for example. After she and her friends heard me listening to Trump speeches, as well as some Red Ice Radio interviews (I am a member), she and all the people that come by to visit her started to act really weird. She's Mexican. Instead of asking me or talking to me about Trump, she automatically put me in a box, judging me and looking down on me. These are the type of people I will always be around, unless I get off my ass and do something to change my life.

I even posted on the things that I can do to make lots of money, but all I do is watch these law of attraction videos fantasizing about the good life, instead of working hard to get there.

So, the realization today was that I have to create a Long term goal plan, write it down, and work every single day to achieve it. I want to start small. I really want to get a certificate this year. I'm thinking between a Mac, Network+ (I heard that you automatically get A+ -mine expired), or Windows 10. At the same time, I should start reading books that I always wanted to read. I have two books that have been laying around for two years. Plus, one Seth Book that I have been reading for almost one year! I need to find a way to create a plan where I read little by little everyday, instead of surfing the Internet and wasting my life in this dead end game.

For anyone that is still reading my blog... Wish me luck, because I sure as hell need it.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Sicario, the Greatest Movie possibly EVER!

this type of films is why I used to watch movies in the first place. too bad most of them are nothing like this today...

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Shia getting Trolled

lol@these shitlibs. AltRight, bitch. you can't stop it...

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Thinking of playing WoW

So they just opened a new vanilla wow server, Elysium project. and I'm thinking of trying one character. I just want to see how far I can go and if I even enjoy it. Contemplating of not playing because my hands are messed up and I need to fix my life. I'm still suffering from the same issues of self-esteem not having friends and never having a girlfriend. I am almost 40 but at the same time... My life consisted of a lot of work coming back home , and watching YouTube videos. I mean I hang out with my friend and we go out a lot when I am with her but outside that I stay home. So maybe I should have a little bit of fun while I'm not doing nothing. I mean I do a little bit of Photoshop when I fix my photos and I'm learning how to edit videos too. But maybe I should take a break in between Play some WoW.

I am not sure if I'll go through this but if I do we will be for like a few days to about a week. After that I'll either quit or playing moderation. We'll see what decide. But I never actually experience vanilla wow. I join a private server in BC and had lot of fun in a world PVP. Maybe if I do like it, I'll see if I can purchase a 60 on the Phoenix server. But most likely I am not going to join for serious purposes. Because that requires a lot of dedication. And I just don't have that kind of time anymore.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Funniest Youtube Channel


and Richard Branson is a piece of useless shit that said he will do everything to stop Brexit. fucking cuck.

Friday, February 3, 2017

when is Obama going to jail?

so I know this is old, but seems like (((the media))) just swept this whole story under the rug. we had a Kenyan muslim running America for the last 8 years, and his supporters still think he did a good job not even realizing he was destroying this country until his last day in office.

I don't get it. what happened to this country? where is the justice? how could someone who wasn't even born in the U.S. get into the most powerful position in the whole world, and all his democRAT pals are mad at Trump because he wants to put America and its citizens first?

2 months later, I still can't believe at how under the radar this whole scandal went. the entire system is skewed to protect the leftist communist scum, and vilify conservatives who dig for and try to uncover the truth. but know one thing, the truth ALWAYS comes up to the surface. the harder you suppress it, the more it will blow up in everyones' faces...

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Internet is for PORN!!

lmao! I can't believe I didn't know about this till now. I just found it somehow by someone mentioning this was the #1 most famous videos. man, it brings back some memorries in WoW. Beta testing vanilla for 2 weeks was the most fascinating 2 weeks of my life. I barely slept on weekends, and is why I did not buy the game at launch. I knew it would consume my life and I needed to focus on college. then when I came back in BC, it was the best thing ever. I used to gank Horde sometimes with a few friends for hours outside of Black Temple. PvP was exciting. I ran Stealth Raids into Orgrimmar with Rogues and Druids. We would take a mage with us as decoy, and all of us Stealthed so no one can spot us. then we'd lure one or 2 Horde attacking our Mage into a secluded spot. then BAM 10 US JUMP OUT AND GANK THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!! and then relocate. we did this for hours till Horde organize and get a group of 20 and wipe us. then we'd regroup and go again. man... the excitement and then the World PvP was AMAZING! the community was my favorite aspect of the game. it felt MASSIVE. evrybody is helping each other an come out to PvP Horde when you call foe hlep. now this game is shit. everyone is always Busy. No one ever wants to help. The game today is shit. It's more of a single player game. You do everything alone. And the queues combined servers together. So the people you do dungeons and PvP with you never see again. Blizzard completely ruined this game.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

If The Left Ever Regains Power, We Are Fucked

The best and most accurate article I read in 2017 so far.

From these leftist communist scum celebrating White Genocide, to laughing at Richard Spencer, a Right-wing race realist patriot, getting sucker punched by an Antifa fag, the liberals will show no mercy to any of us once and if they ever get into power again. The way America will head, is the way South Africa of today is going-White Genocide. And the death and extermination of whites will be celebrated for decades to come by communist pieces of human garbage.

Trump's victory is indeed a miracle, like the article says. I just hope he does all the right things-dismantles Common Core, throws these Frankfurt School parasites in jail, keeps attacking MSM until their inevitable death comes, bans 3rd world immigration, etc.. If not, we are truly fucked.

Monday, January 2, 2017

my first Ayahuasca experience

I have been wanting to drink ayahuasca for years. but after seeing Metamorphosis, I didn't want to go near that brew with a 10 feet pole. It was hands down the scariest documentary I have ever seen. and believe me, I have seen them all. It was like watching the Exorcist happen in real life. that film completely made me abandon and forget this tea for over a year. I had so much fear just thinking about sipping a cup, it was like my 2012 doomsday scenario all over again.

The hardest part of the experience was the waiting time after singing up for the ceremony, and the counting down of days to the last minute of me drinking that first cup. It was as if time slowed down, and I was being tortured by my own ego with fear and paranoia. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and then being frightened to go back to sleep, thinking about how my first experience was going to be. The entire reason why I really wanted to do this, was because I needed healing. I felt like I needed to suck it up, and go through with it. Because if I didn't, I may be fucked up for the rest of my life. And my entire goal in life, is to grow as much as possible before I leave this place.

I drove quiet a bit to get to the location, and once there I was the scariest person in the room. There was only one other person at the circle who was drinking it for the first time-a lady a little older than me. Everyone else seemed calm, including the lady herself, and relaxed. I was talking about my fears and concerns with everyone I met. What really made me just a tiny bit less scared, was the fact that this wasn't a traditional Peruvian ceremony-which is done in the dark. it was a Brazilian circle instead, with lights on and constant singing. I am very sensitive and was really freaking out by all the crazy visuals I may have been experiencing. That was my biggest fear-going to hell and stuff like that.

1st Night

One guy was assigned to me to be my guide, just in case I get freaked out. And I was freaking out quiet a bit. I was actually quiet calm until it was time to drink the first cup. Then I was getting more and more scared. When it came time to actually drink it, I was frozen, scared like a little girl. I asked for half a cup, and even then it took me about 5 minutes to drink the entire thing, sipping little by little. The taste was bitter and unpleasant, but not as awful as all those people described when going to Peru. I didn't feel anything until I drank the 2nd cup an hour later. 30 mins into the 2nd cup, it really hit me. My first thoughts were "I will never do this again". I felt this sudden rush with ayahuasca going from my hands to my head, until I started to get really woozy and drunk.

I wanted to throw up right away, but it was really hard so could not. I started to moan while suffering. I laid down and started seeing a dark field, with green molecules everywhere with eyes closed. Got really scared of seeing freaky things, and opened eyes. I did not witness anything after that, as we were in a circle singing songs with bright lights on. It was impossible to have visualizations with bright lights, even with my eyes closed. Part of the reason was because I did not purge. The 3rd glass was only half full (not by choice), and I didn't feel much. Music at the end was too loud; impossible to sleep or relax.

2nd Night

The second night was way easier to experience ayahuasca, as I didn't have as much fear but was a little nervous. I realized that I was freaking out for no reason. My fear was of all the crazy stuff I thought would happen to me, but none of it ever did. I just did what my guide, who was absent this time around, told me-"whatever you experience, go through with it."

I was nervous and afraid a little, but drank my first cup without a problem straight away. About 30 minutes later, I could feel ayahuasca flow through my arms, body, and brain. A little further into the ceremony, I got drunk on this vine; it was hard to focus on singing or even seeing and reading the lyrics. I laid down & eventually left the room to get away from everybody and especially lights.

I vaguely saw patterns, but no memorable visualizations. I didn't want to purge at all this time, but cried a little while was in the room with everyone. I gotta say that on ayahuasca, time doesn't exist. At some point, I got lost in the inner world; was laying there for 40 minutes or so without realizing about my body. I was going back and forth like this, escaping into myself having no clue on where exactly I was upon coming back into my body. Just laying there on the couch, with pain and suffering escaping me with each breath I exhaled.

I received the biggest dose on my 3rd cup, and at some point my vision got blurry when I left the room to lay on the couch with dimmed lights. It was hard to see, so I closed my eyes and was just trying to have visuals. But they never came. Once ayahuasca gets into your blood stream, and into your brain, you get intoxicated, and it becomes really hard to focus. All you want to do is lay down.

Ayahuasca was definitely not what I expected. The best way I could describe it, is a warm blanket. It feels hard at times, but cozy in the end. I did not go very deep, but feel like I really needed this. I asked the brew to go easy on me, and it did. A month later, I felt like it cleansed my brain of all the chaos. I was feeling a little crazy at around the summer, like I was on the verge of going insane. Ayahuasca took that away from me completely. After this ceremony, I now understand why Shamans in the Amazon drink it in the dark. It's not because of how some may think that the Shamanic world is "dark" and "evil". But it's mostly because in complete darkness, you could go far more deeper into the experience, and into yourself. I just wish the people at this Brazilian ceremony explained some things to me, like to close your eyes and try to visualize and then hold onto your visualizations. Because if you don't, you won't have any, which was my case. It was as if you were on your own, unless you got assigned a helper like in my case. But it was good for my first time, and I am proud of myself for facing my biggest fears, doing exactly what I wanted to do.