Monday, June 30, 2008

so i check out front page of, and this is what it says..

As many of you are already aware, has been under attack by hackers this week. We noticed the first wave of attacks in our vBulletins forums and as of this morning the whole site was compromised.

It appears that hackers are specifically targeting Black, Hispanic, Asian and Jewish youth who ascribe to hip hop culture. Other websites, including AllHipHop and Da Piff Forums, have also been compromised or threatened this week.

We are managing this situation on several fronts. We have taken down the server to patch the security breach and put in protections for future attacks. Also, as this is an international issue, it is being addressed by The FBI and the Strategic Alliance Cyber Crime Working Group.

We realize the hackers attacked because of our stature in the hip hop space and the people we serve. Unfortunately, we did a poor job of protecting from imminent threats from people who hate our community simply because of it’s racial and ethnic makeup.

This has brought to light our vulnerabilities and those of the internet users as a whole. What’s possible now is for us to join together to identify and eliminate this threat.

Report Internet crimes here:

funny thing is, the only people who i think should take full responsibility for this attack are all the idiots who raided the 4chan hacking forums. get some education or at least some background on hacking before you fuck with fire because you will get burned, and you have. dumb asses. same people who complain about racism on sohh are the same ones who call people crackers, honkeys, chinks, spics, and as much of an acceptable term it is in hip hop, niggas. sohh is filled with nothing but ignorance and uneducated little kids who could be as old as 30 or even 40, listening to the same bullshit negative music that does nothing but bring down the black community and keeps it there for as long as people keep poisoning themselves and support this poison and racism. i been really wanting to leave that board but the truth is i don't have any other forum to post on with the same African American population.

before all those sohh members start whining and bitching about racism, they should take a look in the mirror and realize they just as guilty of it as the 4chan hackers. i mean it's so bad we got white people calling others crackers because they been listening to all that gangsta rap and got influenced. it's trully disgusting. hypocrites, all of you got what you deserved and hopefully the same people i am describing got their accounts and computers hacked. you trying to attack one form of racism while you helping the other type to grow. karma is a bitch isn't it?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

so i talked to the girl in my class and...

i fucked it up. yep. funny thing is, i didnt feel better at all after talking to her. like in the past id feel a 100 times better after doing something i was scared of doing. but nowadays i dont feel any better whatsoever cuz i always tend to fuck things up, and in the end nothing would come out of it as a result.

so i came up to her after class and introduced myself or whatever and then asked her to study with me. she was like "study together... hmmmm...." like "i know he doesnt just wanna study." fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS SUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

then she was like well me and my friend (another girl) study for this class so if you want ill let you know next time when we get together. i was like ok... i was frozen, speechless, and just like "fuck what do i do now? how do i recover??????????????????"

i should've just asked her to hang out and thats that. but i didnt. study together huh? now with the other girl in the picture is like i dont even wanna bother talking to her anymore. wtf is the point? wtf am i gonna do studying with 2 girls when i like one of them.

why do i always get myself into these situations? its like im cursed but nah.. i know what it is. i read up on my zodiac and it said exactly that. that i am indecisive by nature and always end up in predicaments that are hard to get out of. yep thats me since day 1. i even remember growing up in tashkent and when id deal with some street shit id make the exactly opposite choice of the right one. one time i remember me and my friend walking home from school. and when i walked home from school i always had to watch out for guys in the streets cuz they roam in groups and its sort of deserted cuz the school would be out. so id be careful and look out real far ahead to see if anything down the block. then id make sure i cross the street at the right time but one time me and my childhood friend walking home from school. so then we walking down the hill about 3 blocks away from our house and we see uzbeks, like about 10 of them. then my friend was like "oh shit, uzbeks!" and ran the other way. i was speechless and puzzled like "fuck my friend just left me, wtf do i do now??" so then i did what i shouldnt have done, i just kept walking towards them just to show i wasnt scared when i was. and then one of them pointed at me and said something to the group. for some fucking reason they kinda went ehh whatever and left. so i got lucky. but in general id make these stupid decisions that make me get in trouble, or in places that are hard to get out of. i hate that shit. almost every time when i gotta make a decision on my feet, for whatever reason i make the wrong choice.

fuck i dont know what im gonna do now. i really wanna drop the class but im not gonna do that. i guess im gonna have to go face this shit and maybe think of another way of saying that i just wanna hang out, its just gonna sound stupid as hell now. shouldve just said it when i talked to her. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

and another thing i wanna add

i have never in my life met somebody like me who is successful. i have met a few successful people who came from nothing or had major issues at some point in their lives. but i have never ever ever met somebody with the same issues as me who is now a success.

will i always be fucked up?

when will this shit end? will i always be having these same issues till i die? am i destined to live my life in misery? shit! thinking about this makes me not wanna do anything, not wanna talk to anyone. feeling like fuck off to everybody and leave me alone. just wanna lock myself up in a room and live my life in there away from everybody.

damn. days like these is just a realization that im fucked. most times i just try not to think about it and keep my mind occupied with homework or video games. but then when i come out of that 'try-not-to-think-about-it' phase the reality hits. fuck! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i reunited with a few of my childhood friends but im afraid to even tell them my life. all of them got married and they asking me about my situation. and wtf can i tell them? their view of me being in America is like "wow, this guy is living the life." they all think i'm living that life all of them dream of living, but yet the reality is i am in the worse shape then they are. shit is just sad and depressing, and i thank you GOD that i got my weed. at least get high every weekend, if it wasnt for that what would i do? i used to cry about my life a lot, but then at some point i realized crying is not gonna solve anything so what's the point? i gotta do something but yet i don't know what. feels like im in a pit and there is no way of getting out. at least not in my situation, 28 years old still living with his mama. i don't know what to do, and i never did actually. it feels a 100 times harder to live the life i want to live when all my life i been cared for by my mother and nothing has been taught to me that has to do with living. and now my mom complains that i don't live. it pisses me off. sometimes i just wish i was naturally good at things like some people since birth. my uncle is like that. dude has no clue what is going on with me or never did. even after i told him some things he still clueless about how it's like to have fear of dumb shit and not be good at something naturally. i'm gonna call his ass probably this week. i dont know what else to say..

Sunday, June 22, 2008

more music

a little high right now. been getting high every weekend cuz its the shiiiiiiit. so im adding more music from bet's onblast videos. this song i like even though i cant relate to it in any way

i hate this song but i love the beat. the song is retarded. i hate the stupid lyrics and all that in your face 'i got it and you dont' talk. FUCK YOU!!! but the beat is nice...

done with 32

I just wanna come here and say how socially awkward my mother is

so im a little high right now right. and for some reason when im high i am more in tuned with things around me. so i come out into the kitchen and her boyfriend is drying her hair haaaaaaaaaaaahhahahhahahahhaha so i was like ok man whatever said hi and kept it moving. threw out the trash and they tell me "we ate the ravilioli" i cooked. cuz i was cooking and right in the middle they came home brought me burrito. so they said theyll eat my stuff i cooked. back to the story. i say oh ok, and they say it was tasty or some shit i dont remember. then she goes

mom: how was burrito?
me: it was alright
mom: thank you
me: *puzzled like i am on planet Mars* for WHAT???
mom: for cooking ravilioli

oh man. i cant even express how socially awkward this sounds. how was burrito>it was alright>thank you. thank you for what????? for me eating a burrito or for cooking? if its for cooking then say it in order. this is why i hate talking to my mom. she brings this social awkwardness to me and punishes me when i reject it and ignore her. but rewards me when i uplift her for acting weird. wtf type of shit is that? and then she complains that i dont have many friends and that i need to live my life. as fucked up as it sounds, i think my mom is partially responsible for me having social problems and doing social awkward things in public. she didnt even fucking know what socially awkward meant until i brought it up yesterday! i get so fucking mad at this shit i dont wanna be around her or talk to her for months.

im gonna take a few more hits and go back playing wow.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

panic attack #2 - girl in my class

so today was a quiz, and i studied for it like crazy. could've studied harder but i knew about 70% of the material. then i get to class and its open notes/books. so anyway i like this girl in my class and then its like if i just sit there not really paying attention to anyone or her it's whatever, im calm. but once i see her and think to myself of coming up and talking to her or even knowing that i want to talk to her i get a huge panic attack. i think its that PTSD kicks in and i feel like i'm going through that street shit all over again.

its like when i used to be the old me i had fear just like everybody else. when i knew something bad was about to happen, the fear would kick in for that split second, then the fear would rise or cool down depending on the circumstances. and then if everything went back to normal and i knew i was safe fear would leave and id be back to being calm until the next time something bad would happen. but right now i feel that fear all the time under weird situations that arent even dangerous! i am so fucking frustrated i feel like taking a gun and blowing my brains out so that i can start this life all over again or not live at all. the fucked up thing about this is that when i talk to people i make them feel uneasy cuz im nervous, or i could even be straight scared or paranoid. like when a calm person talks to everyone, everybody loves him cuz he makes them feel calm. i know that people feel and pick up on vibes, especially women. and i been at this point where i dont wanna bring this fear to anyone so i just do my own thing and dont bother socializing. but i know i want to because i wanna have friends and create meaningful relationships.

i realize though that ill probably die with this fear and PTSD, but the only thing i need to do is just do whatever the fuck i want like coming up and talking to that girl or talking to whoever the fuck i wanna talk to. but i dont most of the time and i get depressed.

Monday, June 16, 2008

dream about a girl wanting to stab me

i dont remember most of the dream but we were all in some apartment in a room. it was a few women and me. and then there was this other girl there. this was back home in my country and i dont exactly know the rest of it (i should fucking write this down when i wake up but i got school now). anyway, we were all just hanging out and talking. and seems like all the girls were playing around with the other chick, and i was being mean. then at some point that 1 girl got mad, went into the bathroom, and closed the door behind her. I open the door and she had a big knife in her hand acting like she was about to stab me. then i was like look i was just playing with you blah blah. and i was about to start ducking and blocking her stabbing me. then the knife would turn from big to small, to medium. i think at the end she didnt stab me and i explained that i was playing around.

this sort of thing happens when im around people actually. when i try to play with somebody i end up being mean and not even realizing it, so i just stay quiet or at least try to be quiet cuz i know i do and say dumb shit that i dont even mean.

i like this song right here

im just going over's onblast videos. this is real tight right here..

i may come back to edit for more videos

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaaha this is the most dumbest, simplistic, idiotic, stupid, 5 year old logic song ever hahahaaha this guy is hilarious

ok im done with 31-35

Thursday, June 12, 2008

panick attack

i had a panic attack today in class. it started out as this guy behind me kept shaking my chair, then it was when the teacher said something funny and i laughed. then i started thinking all these negative thoughts like if people think bad about me cuz i laughed, and some other stuff i dont remember. i was relaxed until this moment and then the panic attack started. i was sitting there feeling tingles inside of me but i wasn't shaking or looking paranoid. it wasnt that bad though, only about 20-30%. some days i remember id be sitting there in class feeling like my life is on the line.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Im on a mission to get an A in my summer class

i got B+, B-, and C+ on my report card. got my ass off probation and now have a 2.01. im proud of myself but i cant stop now. i wanna get an A in the summer and get a 4.0.

*goes to study*

Monday, June 9, 2008

I am really fucked up

ok when i say really fucked up i mean really fucked up. took about 3(6) hits from my self made bong, and i am flying. damn this is it right here. this is where most stoners/potheads look for--the high stage.

shiiiiiiiiit its like im flowing and i feel relaxed.. i could be having a nightmare but im not cuz i just feel good and shit. um... ................................ fddd d damn i dont know what to think. i forgot to say what i wanted to say but........ i think i was thinking abouuuuuuuuuuut theeee uhhhhhhhhhhhh... so i seriously got it. the high stage, like the ultimate high stage. yeaaaaaaaaaahhhh thats it. i am there right now and you know im gonna get even further in a minute.

i usually dont get this high, this is like one of the times i have gone there. cuz i take a hit and chill 10 mins, etc.. and that only gets me high enough to enjoy it but not to actually flow. dam.nn.... but yeah i was about to say that i only do this cuz tomorrow is first day of summer school and i just wanna go out with a bang.

soo yeah. thats all i wanted to say and i wasnt even about to say it cuz im here playing WOW and i just fell the fuck 3 stories down. was laughing like crazy when i did that shit cuz i was like why the fuck i do that shit for? haha

so anyway, yeah im gonna go to res myself and go back playing that shit. yeah!

Friday, June 6, 2008

its Friday night and im High as fuck!!

haha. man i been getting fucked up for the last 2 or 3 days. had a 1 day break though, other then that im just enjoying my fucking break, get high and play wow. The game is so smooth. i got a rogue and its hard as fuck to get into raids its disgusting. The stealth ability is the shit and all but there are too many rogues in the game. everybody wanna be a rogue so when you start raiding its overfilled with them and almost impossible to get into raids some days. fuck!!! but im working on my priest right now. the best shit about a priest is that once you 70...... EVERYBODY IS GONNA BE ON YOUR DICK! every raid priest is the most important, along with a tank. but for tank you gotta raid like crazy and get all t6 gear with armor up your ass. it takes time and hard work to become a tank. but a priest? lmfao, once you 70 everywhere you go people will want you in their raid. priests in high demand plus nobody wants to be them. so once im 70 all the fucking raid leader will be on my dick begging me to join. can't wait!

damn i had a little of Purple Urkle left but i went and got some more weed. i buy the cheapest shit there is, $10 a gram haha. it still fucks me up real good. i used to buy the most expensive but i think its a waste of money especially if you a beginner. im fucked up on this White Russian, it kind looks all frail and shit but its good. im about to smoke some more..

*hits bong*
*goes back to playing WoW*

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

its 5am in this bitch and im staying up the whole night

i woke up at 2am cuz im trying to do this cycle since i got like 1 week left before the summer school starts. i stayed up till like 5 am three days ago, then till 10 the morning after, and yesterday i was up till 5pm. went to bed and woke my ass up with an alarm clock set to 2am. didnt get my lazy ass up till around 3 cuz i just like to lay in bed fantasizing about life and the shit i never had wishing that i did. if i got time to waste this is what i do, lay in a fucking bed fantasizing. no motivation to get up, nothing to do if i have a day off, just lay there fantasizing. i barely get out to socialize with people so i fantasize and escape inside my head.

on a side note i love firefox, i used to hate it but i now love it. i fucked with opera before and thought it was the best web browser till i started using firefox and if it wasn't for this spell check my journal entries would've been looking mad crappy with misspelled words every sentence. im a real bad speller.

anyway, im in this bitch just chilling. i love staying up, i love the night, it gives me a good feeling. maybe its cuz i got nothing to do during the day so i stay up on purpose to have some sort of accomplishment or just to get away from the shitty reality i have every time there is sun outside, so i escape into the night and feel good even doing nothing. i dont know, maybe im just like a vampire.

im done with reading trojanman's blog till march 2007. his new entries kinda freak me out with all that 'ill kill everybody and make you suffer, put you in a wheal chair' talk. but his old entries where he talks about his problems i relate to. i dont know, i just care for people i guess. id rather sacrifice my whole life and be a nobody then do any of that killing or torture shit he talks about. but i think he just uses that to channel his anger at something or somebody.

ahh whatever. im thinking of disabling comments or even changing my blog's address. i got faggots on my shit constantly. one keeps writing about his homo fantasies, other people just hate. and it could be the same person writing all that shit pretending to be other people. if its some retarded shit i delete it cuz you motha fuckers dont run shit in here. this is my blog and you in my world bitch. i run you here like *insert any example of a top dog running his followers* <--- im realy bad at this.

anyway im checking out. fuck you if you on here talking shit. fuck you if you on my nuts cuz you got nothing better to do. fuck you if you got no life so you come here to relate to everything i say only to hate and make negative comments cuz you bored. you are the scum of this planet and should be castrated.