Wednesday, July 30, 2008

a Nightmare and a Pleasent Dream

i had so many nightmares within the last week or two it's scary. didn't blog the dreams because i am so lazy. but last night i went to bed at 7:30ish am, and probably fell asleep at 8. and i had this horrible nightmare.


now i start thinking and the nightmare goes way back. it started out as me being in my old hood where i'd visit that youth center. so i was walking the streets at night looking for a bus. i don't know why or what i was doing there because it probably had to do with the dream going even further back but i don't remember. so i find this bus, get on it, and turns out my ticket has expired. so i start looking for money but i have none, and a stranger tells me to not say anything and i don't. so the bus driver didn't say nothing, and i got off at this stop near city college. then night turned into day. and i'm thinking i wanna go visit my old counselor who really helped me and even hired me at city. but then i'm like "she probably is gonna wanna hug and i haven't showered in a few days so forget it."

but then i'm like ill go visit my supervisor instead. she's at a different department. so i go visit her and i come upstairs and i see her leaving work. i say what's up and smile at her. and instead of her being all like heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey she's really nonchalant and acts like she gotta be somewhere. i was like ok that sux, but whatever. then i end up going to some room downstairs i never seen before. and feels like i'm in a different place and in a different building. there are 2 guys there and 1 of them acts really rude or just disrespectful. i had an empty beer bottle in my hand so i was like "whatever man, im outta here!" and i put that beer bottle on top of a microwave. it was like my way of saying "you disrespect me, i disrespect you. so you throw this shit out." so i left it there and he went after me. he took the bottle and then as we end up outside i don't know what went wrong. but either the 2nd guy or somebody else threw glass powder in his eyes. (when i did Kung Fu, my teacher told us that back in China when there were no guns, people would grind glass until it became powder. and when it was time for war with every man for himself, the person would put that glass powder in his pockets and when situation got hectic he'd throw it his enemies' eyes.) so that's what happened, somebody threw this powder in his eyes. then the other guy ended up getting that powder in his eyes too. maybe it was dust, i'm not sure. but they were both laying on the ground all knocked out with their eyes wide open and their eyes were brownish. it was scary as shit so i woke up around 1pm. i was thinking it could've been me and here i am sleeping and dreaming about stuff and what i see in my dream, then i could wake up with my eyes being all screwed up. i was a little sweaty when i woke up.

-Nice Dream-

then when i went back to sleep i started dreaming of being in a room with this mature Asian chick. she was this lady i worked with before. she had a Chinese accent and then after about 5 mins of talking to her she turned into this girl that looked like Tina Tequila from the mtv show. so she was explaining to me something and i look her up and down. and it's like i'm really clueless on all these signs and i was in my dream too. she looked at me and said "oh my God something something," and kept looking at me. then i leaned in a little bit and then it was obvious so i kissed her. then she made some positive comments like how she likes me, i don't remember. so i started caressing her all over her stomach, legs, ass (her body was unbelievable and perfect.) we were about to start having sex but her father was in the apartment so she was like "let's take a shower together." she walks in the shower but there is her dad having sex with a women on the toilet so she freaks out and goes to her room. then i saw her later on and she was dressed in a really sexy black dress and told me something like "ohhh.. we couldn't get together cuz of my dad" or something, i dont remember.

there was a continuation of my nice dream after i left the apartment but ehh, don't feel like typing it up and plus it had my user friend in it so fuck that i'm not blogging it.

Monday, July 28, 2008

the Psycho bitch is posting ads on cl.. lmao

that Psycho chick i talked about earlier has posted another ad on craigslist talking about shes looking for guys who are quite and like listening and shit. this bitch is psycho im telling you. if youre like me and dont say much youll just sit there and listen to this crazy bitch moan and whine and complain about her problems with other men shell love you. until youll just say ok bitch i had enough im leaving. and then the bitch will make it a psycho moment and youll feel real dark inside. then shell move onto the next guy.

i pray that the next guy who responds to this chubby pscyho bitch doesnt actually end up meeting her, lol.. poor guy. she reminds me of that psycho went out of the movie Misery, no joke. bitch is a pscyho. she told me she was a writer tool, lol.

Friday, July 25, 2008

reinstalling Windows

and on a side note, i just reinstalled my windows and had to put in my old 80 gig HD. i figured i'll put my old HD in and install XP on it and whenever i'm ready for Vista i'll format my other HD. took me all day so i'm all frustrated. its already 4am and i got a lot of other stuff to install tomorrow too.

my mother's boyfriend is a fucking idiot

so today was my mom's birthday, and her boyfriend knocks on my door asking me if i got a card to give her. i tell him no i don't and i'm not planning on writing one because i already bought her a water filter for $130. he tells me i must write her a card and i tell him i won't. so he says i have to and that if i don't ill hurt her feelings. then i tell him i don't need to because i rather give her the gift and do it my way. so he then argues with me and leaves saying that he'll bring me the card because he has 3 that i can choose from. so he brings the cards and im like look i dont wanna write no cards i don't have a problem with just telling her happy birthday and then he gets in my face and says "IF YOU DON'T WRITE A CARD THEN YOU ARE MOVING FUCKING OUTTA HERE!" then he's walking out of my room telling me that i "don't understand" and that "you can just sign it" and that i dont have to say anything. and the worst part of all he tells me "and you dont have to sign love because i know you dont have any."

so you know i had no choice because i keep thinking to myself just dont say nothing and put up with this bullshit till you out you almost got your degree but inside i can't stand him. i wrote "hope you enjoy your gift, happy birthday" then signed my name. wtf was the point of this? stupid fucking idiot. he wants to be my father so bad but the retard is not even my step father. he proposed to my mom yeaaaaaaaars ago but yet they still not married. i'm gonna go to my friend tomorrow and talk to him about it because he's really good at dealing with people and i hope he gives me a good advice. i'm thinking of telling him that if he keeps threatening me with kicking me out im outta here and that hes a fucking asshole who is nothing more then my mom's boyfriend.

he basically grew up good. his values are totally different then mine. yet he wants to teach me about the world through his eyes. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you grew up in ORANGE COUNTY! dont tell me about your fucking values and most importantly fuck you for trying to force your bullshit opinions on me. i will never be you or do things your way because I AM NOT YOU! you stupid fucking idiot. all that money you gave to my therapist, the same therapist who was trying to tell you all this but yet your stupid baby boomer's ass is too dumb to realize you keep doing the same shit and not LISTENING to anybody because you think you know everything. dumb ass. i cant wait to get outta here and this time it could be sooner then i expected. you lucky i never knew how to properly stand up for myself otherwise i would NOT PUT UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!

then this same fucking dumb ass wants to hang out with me. he wants to play tennis together. he wants to go to a bar with me and tell me things. show me about the world and shit. what the fuck are you kidding me??????????????????? look at your stupid ass and how much of an asshole you are. i have a really hard time expressing myself so why you gotta be a fucking asshole then tell me im wrong? FUCK YOU!!! just because i don't do things your way don't mean i'm wrong every time.

this guy probably had a heart attack when he saw the house we lived in when my mom showed him the pics my childhood friend sent me. growing up in Orange County mother fucker was used to having nice things and would probably freak out if his house wasn't neatly painted and taken care of. fuck you telling me about i dont understand. you don't understand a whole lot more shit then me. talking about "they're just gangs, let them kill each other." that's what this bitch told me when i asked him about what he thinks about the situation in this hood we live not too far from. and this is the guy that wants to be my father and wants us to hang out?????????????????????????????????? fuck that.

i can't wait to see my friend tomorrow i really wanna ask him for advice. i just never knew how to be on my own so it scares me when he threatens me with kicking me out. fuck him! and he never apologizes too, like hes always right and i'm always wrong. stupid fucking idiot. he's nothing more then my father wanna be. and after all of this this he wants my respect and asks my mom to ask me if i like him. yeah, you're doing all the right things in order for me to like you.

so this is how Sony makes its money

what this article is basically saying is that playstations require colton, a certain ore found in Africa. and that Sony is partially responsible for the Congo wars because the motha fuckers were pushing for colton due to its high demand because of the popularity of playstations. Sony denies it and say they get colton somewhere else but we all know how much truth really comes out of their disgusting mouths. i am so glad sohh is dead along with all those ignorant sony dick riders.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


ok, this is what's been happening. i been bored out of my ass as always since i got nothing to do but stay home, play video games, and every now and then i go out to help with the campaign i'm part of. so i been going to craigslist and e-mailing chicks a pic of my body. i been doing mad push-ups and it shows.

so i got a few women e-mailing me their pics (most of them are busted), but there is this one girl that's cute. saw her myspace but she's only 18! she told me i got a sexy body and i just sent her an e-mail that i like her but shes way too young for me. then i got this other chick who is pretty damn fine e-mailing me. i told her straight up i'm still in school and live with my mama but she e-mailed me back wanting to know what i do for fun. i e-mailed her the real deal back so i don't know where it will go. the way i see it, the truth shall set you free so fuck lying to these bitches. if i meet any of them in person, the truth will come out one way or another so i might as well come clean now.

i'm really nervous though, i haven't had a date in like 6 months and i'm just not experienced in this whole dating scene. and that's exactly what i told her but she still e-mailed me back. i was hoping she wouldn't but she did. cuz that sort of honesty pushes people away from me and i hope it does with my last reply. otherwise this whole experience is gonna be nerve wracking. i hate this shit. but i'll have to wait and see what happens.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Babel is a Masterpiece

i wish every movie was as good as this one. I rented Babel and Taxi (a piece of shallow shit that i already watched but i didn't even remember i watched it.)

Babel should have won an Oscar. It was that good. 3 stories but they are all connected. I loved it!!! It gave me lots of stuff to think about.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

strip club and a bar

my extended family cousin came from Maryland, and me and his friend went out to a bar first, then a strip club.

so we went to a bar and had a few beers, i had one because i was driving, and then hit up a strip club. i was wondering how this whole thing is gonna go because this guy is very out there with people. he knew everybody in his dorm in college, and has a lot of friends. he ran through a shit load of fine bitches and i was wondering how his reality is in a bar. and to my surprise he was just there with us looking at women, commenting on how hot they were and then saying how much he loves it. so damn, i'm real confused because he was telling me when he goes out he throws out his vibe to 18 or so different women. but i guess maybe he didn't do that out of respect for us or something, i dont know. i don't think he was lying. but he was telling us how he was going out with this girl for 6 months and she was one of the most boring, annoying girls ever. the only reason why he stayed with her was cuz having sex with her was the greatest thing on the planet earth. i guess thats how some girls are. they are shallow as hell and dumb as a rock but guys put up with their shit because when it's time to bone these broads know what time it is and it's like the best pussy ever. there was this extremely thick blond girl at that bar and i was eyeing her for a little then stopped cuz i had no idea what to do. she looks back but i don't know whether it's to look or cuz she was feeling me. should i eye her then come up to her or should i not do that because i'm with friends? the guy who is all social and extroverted not even doing it. should i? i didn't know what the fuck to do so i did what i always do-nothing!

then we hit up a strip club. it was a dirty place one girl offered sex to him. a few girls approached me asking if i want to go with them (in other words the stupid bitches wanted money) and yada yada yada. omg strip clubs are amazing because the rules change completely opposite from a club/bar. it's funny as hell seeing these desperate bitches run around the club coming up to every guy trying to get that extra dollar. sort of reminds them and makes them see how it is for a guy in an actual bar. funniest thing to me is seeing these rules all of the sudden change. it's my second time in a strip club too. still kinda feel weird about that atmosphere and i was nervous as fuck when i was sitting there thinking any of these women may approach me. i'm not used to talking to females especially the ones that look this good.

then we came home and got high with my bong. my cousin went on facebook showing us pics of girls he fucked and thats when he told us about that crazy psycho girl who wouldn't stop on red lights and giggle afterwards. and she was this skinny Asian girl. i mean she was fine as fuck but she was skinny as hell! i was thinking to myself "ok man i see why you liked getting that ass but damn she looks young like a teen and skinny." anyway, i was just thinking about my life and shit and after they went to sleep got depressed. now it's almost 6:30 am and i can't sleep. it's like my cousin has good parents, comes from a good home, has brothers and sisters, and he's so well off in life. comparing myself to him makes me feel suicidal. it's like damn i'm no different then him but yet i'm all alone and shit. i mean of course my upbringing and surroundings were completely different then his, in and outside of home. but he's surrounded by so many cool people and many of them are fine ass women. and this guy doesn't even have nice clothes, and his hair cut looks like shit! it's crazy how much language is important in this world. people take it for granted and those who are in his situation think that people like me are some weirdos because we have a hard time using language when around others (i personally have a really hard time asking others what i want.. whether it's a raise, to be somebody's friend, or to tell a woman i'm really feeling her.) we are the less fortunate, whether we are locked up behind bars and dont know how to behave in public or whether we don't cause any trouble but yet have a real hard time functioning in this world. it's all the same shit. misguided youth looking for a way to reprogram ourselves but yet we don't know where to look for help or should we even look at all. some don't want to change though, but i do just don't know how.

but anyway im gonna go to bed i wanna get at least 6 hours of sleep. wanna talk to my cousin tomorrow about some serious shit and hopefully his friend won't be there. or if he is i'm gonna get his # and call him up later on.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Nightmare - people trying to kill me

last night i was doing my obe session and it went wrong. the tape started making buzzing noises and i had to stop it. i didnt wanna redo the session after that so i went to sleep. then i started dreaming bad stuff.

i'm part of this campaign. and on Wednesday i was supposed to help them at the new office. the guy said he was gonna call me but he never did, and i didnt wanna go out there because i didnt sleep all night. and then i was thinking maybe they mad at me. so in my dream i went into this building where the guys from campaign seemed to be. and they are all mad at me saying how i should've helped them and didn't. they took all my clothes and ripped it apart. i'd go into one room there are pieces of my cloth torn. then in another room there is a piece of my favorite black camouflage jacket. then i remember i was trying to get out of the building but i couldn't-there were locks on all the doors. so i ask the guy can i get outta here? he says nope. and there is a security cop standing there too. i had a feeling they were gonna do something to me or rape me then kill me or something. i woke up at like 6am all sweaty.

then i remember i get on the train and there is a guy gets on and we start fighting or something. it's really blurry right now because i should've written this down when i woke up. maybe he was following me after i got away, i don't know. but i think i managed to win and his head got either stuck out of the train and got smashed or something else happened. all i know is that this was a nightmare and there was a lot more i just don't remember.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

i'm doing the 24 Hour cycle... again!

i been going to bed mad late, 4, 5, some days even later. laying in bed unable to sleep because i'm not sleepy until birds start chirping and shit at like 5, 5:30 in the morning. it's ridiculous. and every night i say i'll wake up at 9 or 10, then end up waking up at 2 or 3pm. and i gotta attend this funeral coming up this Friday morning so i gotta do this. haven't slept all night and it's noon. not like i got anything to do, plus it's the summer. i actually enjoy staying up like this, minus the grogginess.

back to OBE with a goal

i'm on a mission to finish these OBE tapes by the end of the summer. and as a result i gotta stop smoking weed because i gotta have my system cleared or otherwise this process is a waste of my time.

i just get discouraged because i look at my life and think that i can't even live in this world, and yet i want to visit another. seems kinda odd, but then i think that i want to, i really really want to. i want answers and i want to soul travel and get the fuck out of this reality. maybe i'll find something somewhere else that will help me in this world. but anyway, i got 3 and a half more waves to go through and thats more then what i've done already. seems a lot but i just need to stick with it instead of taking so many breaks like i always do.

every day i'm gonna listen to 1 wave if i can have a peaceful environment. if my fam is not home and it's dark out, im gonna do 1 session because i am kinda paranoid when i start humming thinking to myself i hope nobody hears me.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Dream about my Samoan friend

i just took a few hour nap and i had a dream about my Samoan friend.

it was some weird family gathering and there were some other people i havent seen before or maybe it was my childhood friend, i dont know. so then this Samoan girl i tried getting with back in city college but we ended up being friends. She was there too, and we were just running around, talking, and playing with each other. one time i remember she said something like "maybe you should ask me this" and i was like maybe i should ask you out, just playing with her. but then wed just flirt and stuff, and then hold each other.

dang i miss her. she been MIA ever since she changed her # for the 2nd time. i hope i see her again some day. she was a cool ass friend.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Everywhere I go at some point i wanna get away - pt. II

my friend just sent me pictures of our neighborhood. man... looking at these pictures brings so many memories it is unbe-fucking-lievable. this is my house right here. the top two on 2nd floor are our windows. dang i remember those wires hanging from the roof and they still there.

and this is the school i was living next to:

Living around Uzbeks was crazy. I was scared to walk into that school when it was in session because i knew i was gonna get beat up if i did. Me and my friends would play tennis against the wall of our storages, and the tennis balls would sometime end up inside the school. So we would sneak in and wait until no one is around. Then take the ball and run as fast as we could back. I did that once cuz my ball ended up inside so i climbed that blue gate, ran in, got the ball, and ran the fuck out. It would be that, or we would go from our roof of the storages and get down from there, but i never did that though. But on Sundays and i think Saturdays too it was quiet. We'd walk inside the school, walk around, and use their playgrounds and stuff. It was a cool ass school... when it wasn't in session.

I talked to my mom and she told me that the school was mainly a Russian school but then the government converted it to the Uzbek school in about 1966 because they changed the system. The government made all the Uzbeks go to their schools, and those who are Russians, Jews (mainly whites but we didnt have white or black terms in my country), Koreans, or even Uzbeks or Tatars, Kazaks, whatever go to Russian schools. Now going by that school i lived next to was real fucked up because these Uzbeks are like savages. They would mostly come from poor neighborhoods called Mahalas (Vilages), which was all over the city but i think it was mainly people who lived within a walking distance. and their parents would raise them to hate, hate, hate. Hate the Jews, hate the Russians, hate, hate, hate, throw rocks, then hate some more. Now i dont know how exactly their parents raised them because they never wanted to be friends with anyone so my mom never had those type of friends. She had some Uzbek friends but they were good peoples and not like the ignorant, racist, and uneducated type.

When my mom was young every time she'd walk by the school, those Muslims would yell at her, chase her, and throw rocks at her. and then when she got older she'd talk back and try to go after them, the stupid kids would run away. This is how they are in my country, and i can't even imagine how they're like in Middle East. This is why when i hear the news about Palestine, and how everybody is talking about how Israel is so evil for fighting and killing Palestinians, and even though i do agree with some of it, nobody sees how these Middle Easterns are being raised, and how uneducated, racist, violent, and hateful these people are. It's like a culture of death, i don't know any other way of describing it. When the Jews kicked Palestinians out and made Israel land theirs, they just added fuel to the fire, and that shit will never die down because these people already hated Jews with passion. I can't even imagine how much they hate us now. Plus in Middle East they don't just get raised to hate, and act aggressive, throw rocks and shit, but they get raised to hate, be violent, throw rocks, and kill. It's just fucking sad and i dont think anyone knows how to stop this plague.

This is the culture i was bread on, and i wanted to get out so badly. But the truth is, it's like that everywhere in the world but these type of Muslims who grow up in these environments just take it farther then anyone because they mix their hate with religion and that is a deadly combination.

My mom was telling me how Uzbeks would act really rude when you went to buy something in a store. And in politics it was crazy too because she said one time she heard somebody say shit like "if you're not Uzbek, you're a nobody." It's funny because here in America people discriminate against blacks, but back in my country people discriminate against whites. Even if you wanted to get in college, they would look at your grades, and if you not Uzbek, and got a C, and there is an Uzbek who got a C, they take that Uzbek over you. They could be like 20 Uzbeks before you, and they will still go while you wait in line. The only way would be to get all A's then they can't deny you admission. I don't know how it's like now though, but i'm sure it's the same bullshit. Most (if not all) Jews left, a lot of Russians left but many are still there. So you know it's a tough life there for some people.

During the winter these kids or teens would throw snow balls in our kitchen window, and even some to our bedroom window on the side. My mom would repair windows until she just gave up cuz as soon as she'd repair somebody made another hole. It was really fucking hard growing up in that place without any role models, maybe that's why it was so hard for me. I was real confused about all of this shit, and it's sad because some of these things i find out about my mom's reality just now. This is why i'm so closed i guess. My mom never talked to me about anything in her life so i kinda mirrored her and never talked to her about mine. And then i started doing that with everyone. My dad was even worse because at least my mom would tell me some things about her, but my dad wouldn't tell me anything, i mean nothing! I had no clue who he was back then and i still have no clue who he is today, and my mom can say the same thing for her experience with him.

Dang i really can't stop tripping about looking at all these neighborhood pics i got. It's like im reconnected with my childhood again, and it feels so weird inside. I don't even know what emotions i'm feeling right now. I'm gonna have to wait and see what i feel later on about today. That should make it clearer.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Hans Reiser case

im reading on this Reiser case, and this guy is probably gonna get 15 to life; unless, the judge doesnt agree and goes with 1st degree as planned. this dude is slick. he's trying to get 2nd degree by telling the OPD where he barried her. but we'll have to wait and see if the judge gonna go through with the deal he made with her family. August 13, 2008.

i dont have time right now but i'm gonna come back and look up these 2, "The Truly Disadvantaged" and "When Work Leaves" by Williams Julius Wilson.

Game is a funny dude

here is Game crying and comparing himself to Public Enemy and NWA. It's just too bad he seems like a really humble guy, cuz his IQ is as low Young Jeezy's. Well, maybe not that low but still pretty low...

Monday, July 7, 2008

i'm on a mission to get better at living

now in the past i have tried approaching women, talking to people. there were classes in which i introduced myself to half the people and knew almost everyone. but when the time came to have a connection with someone, it was a different story. when it was time to invite people to my party, or to an event that me and my friends have put together, i was nowhere to be seen. because i don't have parties, i dont put together events with my friends that i don't have. and the same thing goes back to women. it's bad enough i live with my mama, but i dont even know the right people in the right places to show that i'm doing alright in this world by myself. so maybe the reason why i don't wanna talk to anyone right now, or even refuse to, is because i'm afraid of people finding out all this stuff about me and then reject me.

so here are a couple of things i am going to do:

1) i'm gonna involve myself in something that will teach me about the world. i am volunteering right now for this politician who is running for the supervisor of my district. on Saturday and Sunday i was outside of a Safeway for 3 hours. Satruday was me getting signatures and yesterday it was me handing out fliers. i already learned a few things about how things work, but i want to learn more. i dont know shit about politics or how politicians get elected. if this guy actually wins this election i want to stick around and help him further along. this shit reminds me of the wire, season 4, and when i'd watch it i wouldnt know what in the fuck was going on when it would be scenes of that campaign and Carcetti was trying to run and win. now it's clicking little by little and if i stick around it will be making much more sense. and i have this internship coming up in September that will show me how the things work in court.

2) i'm gonna read more. i talked to my teacher about where i can start since i feel like a miserable failure when it comes to knowing about the world i live in. he told me to read. read, read, read, and then read some more. a lot of the times when im being social i kinda fade away and many times i forget the words i wanna say because i barely read. my brain is lazy, plus i don't exercise it so it backfires when i try to verbalize things. and i'm at a disadvantage because i don't have brothers or sisters, i don't have no one around me, and i don't talk a lot cuz mostly i'm to myself spending my time in solitude. so i'm gonna spend 2 hours a week reading something, like a newspaper. i'll just look through it and find an article i'm really interested in. then instead of watching stupid teen shows on mtv, vh1, and bet i'll start watching educational channels like the history channel, the discovery channel, news, CNN, and all that other good stuff.

so yeah, these are my plans and hopefully they help me to be a more healthy person in anything i do. then when i get a real job, and my own place, hopefully things will get better and it will be easier to function in this world (including socializing and talking to women). if this doesn't help me then shit i dont know... i guess then i'd have to live with the fact that i was destined to live my life like a miserable failure who was never good at anything. we'll see... and i have high hopes for me.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

so i just talked on the phone with this chick from CL and...

she turned out to be a complete psycho. omg im scared right now. looooooooooooooool this bitch is insane. i called her then not left a message then she called me and thought i was some other guy and named 2 other guys thats like 3 guys shes already talking to. i got her on the phone and she talks non-stop and im like OMG WTF am i her therapist? shit!!! then i actually made a date to go on tomorrow and then she starts freaking me out again talking about the guys she was dealing with and how he's an asshole and "i hate him". fuck... but now she just texted me again implying i cant handle a woman like her and im weak or some shit. thank GOD! i've heard of some psychos before, and now it's safe to say i met one. she was straight out of an emotional female psycho movie.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

i hate my life and my family problems

i can't win because not only do i have issues of my own, but my family is dysfunctional as shit. i dont think there is 1 person on the planet with a healthy family who is like me, it just isnt possible.

i dont even feel like typing up all my issues with them right now but i wanna say that i fucking hate this place. i cant win. i go out and have problems functioning with people in society, i come back home and i got the same problems with my family. i think it goes both ways though. it comes from within the family and then it goes out into the world beyond the family. thats why when i see all these parents with kids, deep down it hurts me. i know that a lot of them will raise their kids to be miserable and confused adults. it's sickening. people are so selfish they dont even look beyond their needs. "i want kids. i want to be happy. i want to have a big family. i dont want to be alone when i'm old. me me me." and then when they become parents their kids have the same bullshit issues when they were young.

humans are fucking disgusting. i am ashamed to be part of this race. but its all good. i just need to stick with school so i can get the fuck outta this shithole im living in. 1 more year, only 1 more fucking year. OMG will this ever happen?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

so i managed to talk to the girl in my class again

last night i visualized talking to her and barely got any sleep (as always). so today i finished quiz quickly cuz i reviewed lectures on my nano and it was just clicking. my plan was this: if she finishes before me, i go after her and ask her to hang out with me; or if i leave early, i wait for her outside. i finish the quiz early and i swear the whole time, even while taking the quiz, i was feeling like im on pins and needles cuz that PTSD was just running through my veins. just thinking about it made me feel like im having the worst confrontation known to men and am about to die.

so then she comes out about 15 mins later (the wait was torture but it's amazing how much talking to others help in situations like these. it's like a lyrical work out for introverts or at least for me) and goes downstairs. i tried to catch up with her but she was gone, i went back in the building and check 3rd floor shes not there. so i was like OMG not again! so then i see her walking outside towards another building. i went through the building and BAM i caught up with her on the stairway.

long story short... she got a b/f, but i feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. all that shit i said to trojanman was real, and i'm proud of myself for practicing what i preach. paz if you reading and never done anything like this before, the first time you do it and finally come up to a girl that you really like and ask her out you will feel like you are on cloud 9. that's how i felt my first time. it was back in city college. chances are, she'll turn you down but you not doing it for her you doing it for your own growth. you wanna grow as a person and as a man? sorry to say it but this is the only way. i feel liberated more then ever. not all happy and shit like i'm on top of the world when i approached the first chick ever, but it's more of a freeing feeling.

and she flirted with me in our class too. all smiling at me and shit. that's what chicks do, they flirt with you and then be like "sorry, i gotta man."

i'm getting high tonight, and it's gonna be the greatest high of the summer. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

magic mushrooms

i just found out about this and i wanna try it at some point. can't do it alone so hopefully im gonna find somebody to do it with.

on a side note, my nuts feel like they about to explode because i been wacking off for hours without cumming. OMG it hurts like a BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

situation about the girl in my class

shit i dont know. i fucked up big time when i approached her and now paying for it. i think she likes me but for how long? tomorrow she could like somebody else and be mad at me for not talking to her. i have seen this sort of thing happen before. there would be a girl who is into me, i avoid her because i'm scared of talking to her, few days go by and she gets all mad and starts either ignoring me or have mean looks.

so with this girl it's like i don't know when to talk to her again. i was gonna sit in the same place she sits today but her friend was already there plus there were other people around all talking so i sat somewhere else. then after class this guy was trying to talk to her and i just left. i visualize and try to think positive but once the panic attack takes over it's a whole different story.

the only thing i can think of right now is finish the quiz early tomorrow then wait for her outside in the hallway. when she comes out just ask her to hang out. but isn't that creepy? if i don't do this then we dont got school for the rest of the week so it's gonna be the same bullshit weekend of waiting and thinking, and i'm tired of it. i swear i feel so alone at times like these. it's like i got 2 friends who i can't even call for advice. one disappeared like she always does, the other i dont know whats up with him. every time i have something happening in my life i deal with it alone. i just wish i had a real friend. like back in high school i had this friend we could talk about anything. i mean we would talk for hours on the phone. even though he ended up being a user i really enjoyed that friendship. but now i'm just gonna have to go face this alone, as always.