Friday, July 31, 2009

Dream about my CJ Counselor

I just woke up and had this weird dream about my counselor. I invited both of my counselors, one from city college and the other from University to my graduation but neither showed up. But my female counselor from city college, me and her keep in touch. She's really amazing. She reminds me of a female version of Martin Luther King Jr.. She has that type of spirit and really cares for people. But my University counselor is selfish! He only cares about himself and no one else. That's just his personality though so I can't say it's a bad thing.

When I left school I barely even said goodbye. I was turning in my paper and said see ya around...

So in my dream I come home, which looked like a place I never been before, and he is there. So I was like WTF!?!?!! it was a huge surprise because you know.. I'll never see that dude ever again. So he just dropped by to visit and started talking saying he's coming from the hospital and was injured. I was like what happened you ok? He was like yeah, you know.. sometimes we get hurt on the job (he's a private investigator and used to be a cop in the South Bronx for 30 years. I was thinking he got shot). So then he sits down at a table and my mom is there cooking something. I introduce him to her and he's like oh yeah I already met her. Then he says we have good forgot-what in my country and starts speaking Russian fluently. I was like damn you can speak it fluently!

Then we talk some more about random stuff. I had my Discover magazine laying around for this month and I was like "hey, you like science type of magz? cuz i wanna give you a 1 year going away gift subscription". He said he subscribes to some other mag, I forgot which, and sure.

Then we talk some more and woke up.

This dream was really random and really weird. This guy reminds me of Denzel Washington in Training Day but a good version. Now since he is so miserable I was thinking maybe he back stabbed a whole bunch of or at least 1 person in the past really badly so now he is going through the motions feeling down thinking about that. But you know, everybody wanna be his friend and stay close to him. That is why when I left he was distant so I was like whatever dude.. peace... and bounced. It's like i didnt give a rats ass. I got tired of this dude and his the-world-evolves-around-me attitude. When I had to see him for whatever reason, our meeting would evolve around his mood. But he is good peoples. That's just his personality.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Sunday, July 19, 2009

These guys remind me of my Childhood

When I was young about 9 or 10 I was a class clown. I said things in class and people laughed and thought I was funny. One time we had a contest of who could put together a few minute skit and I imitated this commercial that advertised some socks and it was HILARIOUS! People were cracking the fuck up and I came 2nd because the judges gave the first place to some boring ass, and dull winner. Everyone was like 'awww wtf!? the sock skit blew this wack shit out the water!' but I was like ehh whatever.

If I didn't have such a hard life I would totally be into comedy, and possibly make it my profession.

Funny ass WoW moments

I'm done with WoW for a while but here is some funny shit...

I tried doing this in Gadget on my Priest but no luck. Blizzard made it so that NPCs attack you when you do that AFK trick. The last victim is EPIC moment btw..


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Living here is bad, but not as bad as with my fam

-my cousin's soon to be 2 year old baby is crying every 30 mins like a little bitch

-it wakes me up every morning at 7am and on sundays even earlier

-this apartment is a fly fest with small and huge flies flying around and shit

-my bathroom was so disgusting i could feel the smell of stench and felt like my ass was getting polluted just sitting on the toilet. spent half a day cleaning it all today and thank GOD it's finished

-the baby gets away with murder and throws shit (including food) everywhere all over the table, carpet, and anywhere else. last week it took a piss right outside my door cuz the fucker took its diapers off

-my cousin finds it cute and didnt even get mad after i told her about the pissing episode but instead giggled

-there is no real door but a fake plastic wall that is hanging from the ceiling on rollers

-i got a hook lock and the baby broke it out the wall by pulling the plastic sliding door hard so now i gotta go get a thicker one to screw into the wall so the lil shit wont have enough strength to fucking rip it out again

-my cousin is really different and has PMS every once in a while

-she never thanks me for ANYTHING I DO. i cleaned the fucking sink and the kitchen area today and all i got was a nod. i bought a shitload of things including batteries, paint which i was gonna use to paint bathroom and other stuff and not even an acknowledgment. it's like i didnt do shit and am not gonna do shit anymore unless it has to do doing it for me. oh yeah, im returning paint, and some other stuff back to Home Depot tomorrow

there is more but no matter how bad this gets, it beats living with my mother and the father wanna be

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I feel so fucking lonely

I really feel like everybody i consider a "friend" got hundreds, if not thousands of friends themselves, and i'm just an accessory or some sort of a buddy to them. Even if they care for me and want to have a relationship with me, they still got their own lives and only contact me when got a little bit of time and just wanna touch bases.

Like my female friend, who btw flaked on me last sunday after making plans on going to the beach. she probably got guys she dates on the weekly bases, getting her fuck on, and just enjoys her life. My gay guy friend is doing the same bullshit. He helped me to buy a whole bunch of interview clothes which i am very grateful for. He said i actually look hot for the first time and my old clothes had no style. But he already fucked 8 guys since we came to LA, 8 fucking guys! wholy shit that's within 2 weeks? no homo but he can make that happen. I can't even imagine how many guys my female friend can fuck if she wanted to. it's like everybody is creating their reality and building their life but me. And the only reason me and my homeboy are friends is cuz he's gay and i told him that. A selfish ass dude like him would never, ever, EVER stick around me if he was straight. He'd be too busy chasing pussy and only caring about himself. I'm too boring for straight guys who'd probably laugh at me knowing my life problems. He invited me to a "mixer" but by the time we made it there it was already over. Either way, it was his world, his life. It was him trying to promote his upcoming album. And I had no clue how to socialize so he was like "just stick by me and do what i do". But that never even happened.

I really really REALLY feel alone. like me and my female friend text back and forth but it's so fucking random and so fucking stretched out. I could get a text in the morning, reply in 30 mins, then not get another one for 8 hours or even in 1 or 2 days. Which shows me she is busy with her life like work, friends, fun, sex, parties, etc.. I really don't know what to do. I mean i am looking for work and got some interviews lined up but what will i do if i find work? I just dont know what to do and shit.

That's why i mediate. Meditation is the only thing i can think of that could help me in the long run because i'll be able to reach the Masters in different dimensions and they could guide me and help me with my problems. To some people it may seem like some fairy tale but meditation has no limits and i believe in that. It just takes a lot of hard work and practice to reach such levels. But meanwhile i really feel like i need some sort of company or social gathering/circle cuz i feel like there is an emptiness in my soul that hasn't been filled since my childhood. And it all has to do with me being human and not having enough people in my life. Maybe it's the lack of sex, the lack of love, or both. I dont fucking know. But it is something like that cuz thinking about and seeing people together makes me wanna cry sometimes. Like they there, and i'm here. They there enjoying life and living it, and i'm here existing in my misery.

I kinda try not to talk about personal shit on my blog anymore and keep it spiritual or whatever new stuff i get into, but it's hard cuz i got days like these and it hurts like a bitch. Hurts so bad my eyes get watery and i wanna cry. But i do got alotta shit to do today to prepare for my 2 interviews tomorrow so i'll go do that and relax after wards watching some youtube videos.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

April Crawford

She channels different forms of entities. I believe VERONICA is 3 or likely more forms of energies that are being channeled through April.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

all my Fam is Distant from me

I don't understand how things work sometimes. Like my female cousin i live with for example. She starts talking to me about her personal shit, I listen, ask more questions, and just kinda curious about her you know? My turn to talk, I say some personal shit, it may be deep, or maybe a little TOO deep, but it is my personal shit nonetheless, 5 seconds go by and she changes the subject and just shuts me down. She done this not just once but multiple times.

So I'm thinking like, ok it's your turn to talk and I listen, then my turn comes and you just blow me off right when I start or in the middle of the convo because either somebody calls you or you just change the subject. This is my family. Always have been like this and probably always will. It's almost like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. I can't just say it with them listening to me. They just listen a little bit and go "ok, i heard enough i gotta go" but when they talk it's like i give them 10, 20, whatever minutes they need because i actually listen or curious.

It's fucked up but I'll just be distant myself. I'm tired of this shit with me opening up and her not wanting to even listen. FUCKING BULLSHIT! And she don't even asks me "so you were saying??" and it makes me feel like she doesnt give a flying fuck. There is a lot of other things happening here that i don't feel like talking about but there you go, my "family"...

Friday, July 10, 2009

Los Angeles, my new Home

I'm in L.A. baby babaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I moved out here on the 3rd and staying with my cousin. Paying her rent but it's much lower then my fam was charging me since I graduated.

Oh man, the weather here is fucking AMAZING! HOT all day every day, and even at night. I wake up feeling warm getting out of bed unlike back in the Crap Area. Why would anyone wanna live there is beyond my understanding.

To the person who asked me about job search, I'm looking right now and it's really slow. I should look much harder but I'm still in the middle of handling all my shit I need to handle when moving.

Also, FUCK WEED!!! I am so done with reefer. I almost lost my 3rd friend because I was high while talking on the phone with her. I said something that sounded like I was trying to get with her because I was nervous or maybe some other stuff I don't remember. And she's like my sister-I don't look at her like that. She stopped calling me and I thought that's my 3rd friend lost because of weed. But we got back in touch and she lives close to L.A. so we can hang out a lil. And my other friend rode out here with me because he was like 'I was thinking of doing the same', so I got 2 friends in a new city. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meditation is my new weed. I will get "high" as much as I can on that. Trying to meditate two times a day but it's hard because my cousin has a baby so sometimes there is a lot of screaming and drama in the mornings... My new favorite song: