Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I have no friends

At 33 years of age, I got to say that I have not a friend in the world. But I guess that all depends on what you consider "friends". To me, a friend is someone who you can call up anytime and hang out. You have a mutual relationship in which both of you have an equal amount of energy that is exchanged. I got buddies, but I got no friends. I guess many people out there would consider a friend what some call "best friend". But I consider that a friend. Because if you trully have one friend, that friend will be there for you no matter what.

Looking back, I have always had buddies. I have never had friends. I just realized this now and it really hurts me to the point where I would cry. I am a typical introvert who is more to himself, and isn't so quick to share his experience with others. I may even talk about things or myself with others and I feel like I am more outgoing than I have ever was in my entire life, but I am still who I always was-a sensitive introvert who is very intuitive and almost psychic in a way. I read people really good, and the more I meditate the more I am able to tap into that unknown information that many don't have access to. But I digress.

My latest "buddy" is my co-worker. It is the one I blogged about who I hung out with on the New Year's eve. I feel like he treats me like something he accesses once in a while, and when he doesn't feel like being bothered I should leave him the fuck alone. That's not fair, and not how friends are with one another. But I guess I don't blame him. He is like Jay from the "40 Year Old Virgin" and I am like Andy. Who the fuck would want to hang out with Andy if he is like Jay? So, I understand from a certain point of view. But at the same time, it hurts and plus I can never tell him I am a virgin. It has happened before and it backfired on me really badly. It was literally as bad and exactly like the scene in the movie itself when the guys found out at the poker game, and then the next day everyone knew and embarrassed the shit out of Andy. When I watched that movie, there was so many truths and moments in my personal life that I actually realized something. I realized that the guy who made the movie MUST have been a virgin who have gone through this himself.

But this is what I am going to do. I will be a lot more distant from my "buddy" than he is from me. Fuck him. I can't focus on wanting something as simple as a friendship with someone who doesn't really give a flying fuck. The more I don't care, the better I feel. And the more distant I am, the more people tend to want to have more of me. This of course works really well with women. The more I am distant and leave them the fuck alone, they all wonder who I am and why I am so damn mysterious.

All my 'friends' that I have had since I lived in America; They were all extroverted, all had tons of friends and/or buddies, and all kept me at a distance. I was never their true friend, or at least I didn't feel like it. There was always someone who was much closer to them and that's how It always was. I am not sure why, but I sort of feel like I am partially responsible for creating this reality. This comes from me being very passive, apathatic, never taking any risks, never having motivation, and some extroverted people come along and make "friends" with me. One of these people was a female, and unfortunately she left me at some point. I felt like she abondened me and I never heard from her again. I don't know why or how. I did not want to find out so I left it alone and never called her again.

This is my life this time around, but all I really want at this time are the following things. I want confidence. I want charisma. I want power. I want psychic powers; much stronger than the ones I have. I want independance. I want freedom. If I attain these things in this lifetime, it won't really matter if I have friends. Because I know if I attain these things, everyone would want to be my friend.

p.s. Donnelly talks a lot about loneliness and not having many friends in this video. Props to Paz for linking me to his channel! I relate a lot to this

Monday, March 18, 2013

kindled Dating ebook by Jordan Gray

This guy, Jordan R Gray, is the greatest and most amazing instructor I have ever had. I took a class with him and I learned a lot from him when it comes to approaching women in the day time. Hands down the most down to earth, non-judgmental, and cool guy I ever met. Thank you for helping me with my progress, Jordan.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Battles with myself

I am having battles with myself.

Yesterday (Friday) I actually had a date. it wasn't with a chick I was crazy about at all. in fact, I didnt like her all that much and I wasn't even gonna go. But i thought wtf I got to lose? I NEED EXPERIENCE! I had like 3 dates my entire life. wtf am I being so picky about? Anyway, this was my first date since the summer of 2012.

But today (yesterday already. its 12:47am right now) was a St. Patricks day which I usually dont give a rats ass about. I had to work all day but came out downtown to experience my 1st outting on this holiday. There was this one CUTE ass girl. she was tall, thick, her ass was fucking AMAZING, and she was there with her friend. She was the cutest girl I have seen in A LONG ASS TIME. and what did I do? I found every excuse in the book NOT to approach her. I dont know what it is. is it because I got no friends? is it because I am scared of people and parties/social events? is it because I have weird problems at my age, 33 years old? SOMETHING is holding me back. i mean... myself of course... but something deep inside makes me not want to approach, say hi, get their #, call them, eventually go on a date, have sex, and have a meaningful and HEALTHY relationship. it scares the shit out of me. i dont know what part or if ALL of it prevents me from approaching, but it makes me feel like SHIT everytime i dont approach.

but im not gonna lie. i have been approaching more consistently than i ever have in my LIFE. i actually had a date, and managed to get 3 #s, one of which i fucked up completely through doing text game. the other girl never picked up when i called, and the 3rd ended up being a down to earth chick whom i may be friends with. who knows... anyway, i still need help and i dont know where im gonna find it. i already know one guy who may be able to help. so, we'll see. but i am still proud of myself.

on friday before the date i approached a chick in the mall WHILE MY DATE WAS WAITING OUTSIDE LITERALLY 50 FT AWAY!!! llool. i was so scared in that moment... not of approaching, but of my date seeing im talking to another woman and trying to get with her, lolol... man... some of the adventures you could have by chasing women are hilarious if you look back and think of all the stupid shit you did. i am just getting my feet wet and not exactly feeling the effects just yet... i need to push A LOT harder if i want real result in my social life.

but what I realized is that all this approaching gives me ENERGY. it makes me happy. approaching gives me some sort of a super red bull boost. it's fucking amazing. i get CONFIDENCE that i never  had before. and all by coming up to a woman in a street, mall, and basically anywhere in public in the DAY and say 'hey, i saw you and thought you were cute. wanted to come over here and say hello'. i fucking approached this one chick and she said 'oh.. i gotta g/f'.. i go.. "that's hot. how about you, me, and your g/f hang out :)" these sort of words come out of me by doing lots of cold approaches. but once i dont approach i slip back into my head and think about this shit like i am back to being my old self. today is just one of those days...

Saturday, March 9, 2013

got 2 numbers today

and 1 yesterday.

you know, its funny. the PUA community is filled with guys who are clueless with women and have hard time being social, but it helps a lot by going out with the guys and practice approaching women. it gives you some sort of bond and some sort of motivation opposed to doing it yourself.

yesterday I came out with 1 guy who I took a very recent bootcamp with and there was another guy from the workshop. he was the scarriest throughout the weekend, but was approaching like crazy when we met. I was like wtf? what happened to you? he just says he been approaching every day.
anyway, i had 10 mins before going to work so i say fuck it. i havent done an approach in a few weeks and feel weak inside as a result. so i say ill do at least one before i go. i approach this 'ok' looking chick and she end up getting MY #.. guess not that many guys approach her.

so today as my last day in Hayward since I had to drop off my laptop for my job contract that ended. I said to myself yesterday that I will go to the mall and start approaching since it's my last day there. who cares... so i end up approaching this one cute chick who was all tatted up. she was light skinned black girl, very cool and friendly energy. she laughed at half the shit i said, even when i fucked up and called her by her college name cuz i was so nervous. anyway, i go the digits and it sort of felt like we were on stage for a moment. i didnt really give a fuck though. the more i approach, the more i completely get lost in the interraction not giving a FUCK about anything around me. we were standing on one side of the mall traffic in between 2 stands. so the people at each stand heard EVERYTHING since I am loud as fuck and dont care anymore for being so damn quiet and creepy. in other words, i dont care to be heard and think inside my head that people are judging me for whatever i am saying. those days are OVER. anyway, i got her digits and kept thinking about her. she was just so cool. it's rare a girl like that i meet. or maybe its because i dont meet a lot of girls to begin with.

then as i start work i go to walgreens to get some drink, i see this one chick and i approach her after i buy my stuff. she was still in the store so the universe played along with me. anyway, i end up getting HER # too. and now i got 3 #s in 2 days. i was thinking like... this is my absolute record. i got 1 # of that black girl model one time. i got 1 # of that filipino girl on the train, and that's it. havent gotten this many #s in my LIFE. but then again, it's because i am not consistent with talking to women. this is changing and i am creating a 1 year challenge i found on one website. 1 year challenge every day. i gotta come up with how many approaches and how many warm ups i gotta do each day and how many events i will attend each week. but this is gonna kick ass and make me put myself out there. i need this more than ever. I NEED TO START LIVING THIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Cruelty of our Government & the Human race

I just wanted to post this video to spread awareness at what type of things humans do. Please wake up to help and protect wild life. Thanks.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I got laid off again

so about an hour ago I get a phone call from my temp agent and she says I am no longer needed at the job. it's a funny pattern, and I honestly hated this job. but the pattern of me just going along with it and not looking for other opportunities is interesting. I could've found something and quit already, but I just sat on my ass not doing a thing and be lazy there because I was frustrated not knowing what to do.

I am not sure if I see myself doing IT. It is really frustrating, and especially for this job because EVERYTHING they had was proprietary. even small things like flushdns or renew ip address wouldn't work and was useless. it was hard to learn things there that I would use on other IT jobs. Either way, this got me thinking about my career. WTF AM I GOING TO DO? I don't want to say this to my mom because she is all feeling good about me thinking computers is my future, but I just don't see it. I have limited knowledge of computers and they're no big deal to me. I hate dealing with software and bugs, I would rather do hardware and work with my hands. that is something I love doing, working with my hands.

good thing I still have my retail job, and I'm working tonight. maybe I can get more hours there or maybe I get another part time job. I really am not sure. I am not crushed or anything, but more in deep thought. What am I here to do? I got a Bachelors and don't know what I am to do with it. Life is crazy.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

DJ Spider

just seen this commercial on youtube.