Monday, March 31, 2008

OBE - Day 13

When will i soul travel? when when when?? am i doing something wrong? what am i doing wrong? did i take too many breaks, this is driving me nuts!

im going crazy here. do i need to focus more? do i need to meditate? do i just need more time? ahhhhhhh this sux man it sux! sux sux sizuux huge nuts!

do i think too negative? i got nowhere to go and nothing to do, and its pissing me off. stuck on the fucking spring break at home wacking off all day and cant even soul travel and i got no patience. and i havent smoked weed since i started, thats over 2 weeks! i dont wanna give this up just like everything else i gave up on in life. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck a;fdja;fklsajdf; asdjf;asldk jf;lasjd

Sunday, March 30, 2008

OBE - Day 12.. i thought it was Monday, LMAO!

man... i wake up thinking its monday, get ready for school. when i get on campus its all empty im like "damn people are still on spring break", and the building my class is in was closed so im like damn there is no school. and i find out classes start tuesday. then i get home and my folks tell me its Sunday hahahaha, damn.. i dont know whats happening with me.

but i been staying up, went to bed at 7 am last night. a few fucked up things happened. 1) i stayed up real late, started doing this at 6, 2) i didnt remember the last half session or what i was being told and have no clue where i was. either was in my head thinking about stuff or maybe somewhere else, i think its the first, and 3) not only did i feel like nothing happened but i broke out of the state i was in cuz i started hearing the same tape from the start only to realize i put my winamp on repeat, and the speakers were on!!!!!

i couldnt sleep for like 30 mins after that thinking if somebody in the house heard the tape being played. i was like damn i hope they didnt cuz i dont want them knowing what im doing every night.

but i can visualize the bubble around me more clearly. i make it a blue color and its glowing and shit, looks so purdy. after listening to these tapes i realized its all about visualizations. its not magic or anything like that, its all what you visualize and create in your mind. sort of like how people create these same invisible bubbles to protect themselves against psychic vampires. that stuff is real, you gotta really focus on visualizing or people can get in and suck on your energy or disrupt your energy field.

another thing im beginning to realize is that i stay up when im depressed. whether i have school or i dont, whether i smoke purple, or whether im playing video games. when im depressed i stay up all night even if there is nothing to do. i started doing that in high school, and part of it is cuz im a night person and love the night. night gives me some sort of energy or makes me feel alive or something, i dont know i cant explain it.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

OBE - Day 11

I started doing this at 6am last night, went to bed around 6:40, probably fell asleep at 7, woke up at like 12:45 and got up physically at 2:37. I do this when im depressed, stay up all night then sleep all day if i dont have school.

When i started tape 6 i did all the visualizations and everything, then at some point any slight movement would cause my piece of shit headphones to make a squeaky sound. I mean like a movement that is not even a movement, just a barely slight head tilt then i hear EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH oh GOD I WANTED TO TAKE A HAMMER AND BREAK THESE PIECE OF SHIT HEADPHONES THAT ARE MADE OF CHEAP PARTS. The head phones themselves are not that bad but they're cheap, made out of some cheap plastic. These headphones always prevent me from going into a complete trance cuz everytime i hear them squeak it gets on my fucking nerves and i start focusing on them thinking "it dont bother me" when deep down inside it does. SHIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fucking pissed!

I had a dream too but i dont remember what it was..

Game is the funniest rapper on the planet..

this is the funniest thing ive read in a while

game having dreams of Suge Knight's car smashing his face, crying in his closet wishing he was dead cuz no one in the rap game respects him. LMAO! I dont think Game was ever a nice rapper though, he just got lucky and had Dr. Dre by his side. But the dude should be a comedian, his whole DVD about 50 was cracking me the fuck up.. this right here is the most dead on Game impersonation i ever seen.

Friday, March 28, 2008

OBE - Day 10

Just woke up not too long ago, man im so lazy dont feel like writing anything right now. Anyway, i was listening to tape 5 last night and after i felt asleep i had a long ass dream. Somewhere in the middle of tape 5 my mind drifted and i felt like it was going somewhere, i got scared and wanted to snap out of it but i made myself not to. I saw some lines or something and then nothing... it was about 5-10 seconds.

After the tape was over i felt asleep about 10 mins later. The dream i had was weird and long. I don't remember a lot of it but the first part was me taking a bus. Then i met this guy and we start talking about martial arts, i told him something like i wanna learn how to fight and we were talking about sparring. Then i realized my feet were dirty so i started washing them in this soap water, while looking over my back worrying if people seeing me even though part of me didnt care at all. Some were looking at me shaking their head like "this guy is crazy", but i was like whatever. After i was done i didnt have new socks so id use different colored bandannas instead to put around my feet before i put my shoes back on.

After that it was dream about trains and how i got on one train, but there was another train that left the place at the same time. And when i got on it i kept seeing the train from the outside like it was filmed in a movie. Seeing 2 trains depart from one location, one going left and the other right (the one i was on). Then i saw some huge futuristic type of plane, like the one similar in Halo the game, that they use to transport marines in. It was flying right after the trains.

3rd part of the dream was me trying to return books to the library, but when i get there it was being closed. I go in and return the books then it turns out its a clothing store. I go in and some young teenagers i dont know go in there with me. Then we get locked in and cant get out for some reason. We start going from floor to floor looking for exit. I try some jeans on, and i got a walkman with me. Then the girls go one way and me and this guy start looking for an exit together. I think i woke up but went back to sleep and started dreaming it again. Then eventually we found an exit and the rest i don't remember.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

OBE - Day 8 & Day 9

Last night was a trip. Day 8 though was foggy, I went back to tape 4 cuz I had like a 3 day break. I feel like I need to step it up and put more energy into this, do it every night instead of taking so many breaks.

I memorized the affirmation, how to do the resonant bubble, focus 10 and other stuff. I was thinking about things in between but then ended up drifting away like being in an unconscious or a sleep state. When the tape ended I wasn’t even listening to Monroe talking to me I was just hearing him in the background. So then I turned off my pc and went to bed.

Now last night... this is getting serious, dude is instructing me to float upward. Now one thing that really freaked me out that at the end of the tape he didnt instruct me to come back and wake up, everything was getting more and more quiet and in my mind i was floating higher and higher, first above my bed, then the house, and then above the clouds, and then it turned out the tape ended. Thats what i remember. Let me go listen to the ending now see if its not just something in my head, brb... yep, thats exactly how it is. this seems dangerous but i completely forgot to read the text file before listening to tape 5, brb... whoa, actually this tape was supposed to put me to sleep. should've read this last night but oh well, im gonna listen to it again tonight when i go to sleep.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

woke up thinking i was somewhere else

this morning felt like i was somewhere else when i woke up. like i was in a different place when i was asleep and when alarm clock woke me up i was like why is that thing ringing? last night i knew i had to work today but when i woke up i had no clue what was going on.

i was asleep for like 6 hours but felt like i was gone for like a day or 2. weird..

meanwhile the OBE tapes make more and more sense. im visualizing the bubble around me daily, about to memorize the affirmation, and then do my next session tonight.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Just done reading Topaz blog...

man... im just done reading Trojanman's blog, stopped on August 2006. That guy is an inspiration, a real fucking inspiration. All these people on sohh fronting, talking shit, saying how much pussy they be getting, and all this other bullshit lies, pathetic. I have no respect for these hoes, none. Grown ass people like mods talking down on somebody who is going through real issues, how much of a loser you gotta be? seriously.. and then you go hide and tell fake details about your life to have e-props. fucking losers!

This got me thinking about my life and shit, makes me want to write down my own bullshit in my blog. I got so much shit to say.

I remember when i first registered on sohh, i think it was when i was going to city college. I was a miserable fuck like i am today but about 10 times worse, and i found a hip hop site to post on. It was fun as hell. It was around the time when i would post on but that site had less and less people, plus it was getting lame so i left. I remember i'd also post on 106kmel message board that was almost dead, only had like 20 people post on there but it was cool. There was this one guy from east oakland that would whine and bitch about life like my pathetic ass so wed just go back and forth how life sux, it was hilarious. Then id just spazz the fuck out, and at some point they closed the message board down (RIP). Ever since then i was like fuck that site and never visit their sorry ass, i dont even listen to the radio anymore anyway.

So then id post on sohh, id hide a lot of details about me and just talk about me wacking off and being a dumb ass loser. It was all true, then id tell people my real life experiences and theyd label me a wierdo. One time i was in sohh chat on aim and one guy imed me asking me "why are you so weird?" i was like wtf you talking about? he just kept repeating it "why are you so weird?". That's me, a guy who nobody could relate to. It's like that in real life and it's like that even online. Thats why im real hesitant to open up to people in real life, cuz ill just be labeled a weirdo and will be alone either way. So why not just be a quiet dude who is to himself? Its the same thing, but im more of a mystery to people rather then a weirdo. I dont know, maybe im wrong but thats how i am. Im quiet, when im not quiet and start initiating convos with strangers i feel like what other people do like diss me nonverbally really effects me, it bothers me. I feel hurt, im sensetive.

I care what people think, always have. Maybe its the way i was built. Thats one thing i realized about smoking weed, that people are all built in their own way. Weed is a trip, if you get high enough and really experience a good trip, youll realize so many things about life that you wouldnt know before. One time when i ate my first brownie it hit me, we're all the same yet we all different. Like there is a soul, and whatever body that soul occupies its gonna act according to the rules of that body. The feelings, the emotions is gonna be a mix. Sort of like how the soul itself is like (evil/good) and what the body is like and the zodiac/horoscope combo and all that shit. The rules of that body. Thats why i am the way i am, but most people dont care or too stupid to understand this shit so they look down on me or think im a weirdo. Its also life experiences or the lack of that builds us a certain way too.

This also got me thinking about my gay friend. Dude was talking about "i love you, why cant you see that?" and wanted me to fuck him. I was like what the fuck? Am i missing something here? Im not into guys why you want me to do something i dont wanna do? So hes like "it has nothing to do with being gay, its love". When he was leaving he was begging me to "make love" to him saying that if i really love him ill have sex with him. I was like....... um........ no... He got mad, started crying and shit, hes real emotional.

One thing i dont get about him is that hes a real tough dude, he grew up in a hood, guess you could say hes a guy with streets smarts who knows how to fight and knock your ass out if you start some shit... but he HATES hood shit. Its like i cant even ask him a question about street stuff because i am and always have been real interested in it. That's why i like watching the wire, but he hates it, hates it! anything that has to do with streets stuff. I was on the phone with him last week, i asked him about if he ever handled beef by fighting in groups. He was like "why are you so interested in thug shit?" and told me hell call back but never did. Hes achieving a dream, trying to be a singer/performer. I know he can do it though, dude got talent.

I remember when we were roomates hed try to help me with life and all my issues. One time we were talking and id tell him about my women problems so hed tell me to be happy. Im like how am i supposed to be happy if everything i do goes to shits? Like id go to a club and cant even get a girl who is drunk to come home with me cuz i dont know how to talk to her and get all self-conscious? He's like "be happy". But the shit is hard, its easier said then done. Thats why i have a hard time doing that stuff they talk about in The Secret. How am i supposed to feel good about having something pretending i have it when i dont?

Then i got my mom to deal with and shit. She treats me like a 12 year old. Studying CJ there is this thing i learned thats called "the labeling theory", and its basically when you treat a person like a criminal and label him bad then hell act accordingly. I think maybe thats why i act so immature sometimes, and some people think im like a kid. her treating me like that makes me not want to talk to her. Its like I dont even wanna see her sometimes cuz i know she has no clue what is going on with me and makes me feel like im alone even though shes there for me. She spoils me, and that makes me not care about anything. Like whats the point of doing something, or working for it when my mom is gonna do it for me? Maybe thats why im so careless about things, ever since day 1 my mom would do this sort of thing. But its kinda weird cuz shed spoil me and then deprive me of things at the same time. Like shed buy me some fruits every now and then and then not let me watch tv or not let me get a game that i want. So it made me get a job and work for it, but for the most part i never cared cuz shed provide me with stuff like food, money for stuff that she thinks i need, or other things.

And then i got this OBE shit that im trying to achieve but im so lazy. Its pathetic. I missed doing the last night session cuz i spend all day playing World of Warcraft. Being alone kinda drives me crazy sometimes but playing that game makes me happy inside, its like i have a purpose other then to just sit at home not doing nothing.

Seriously though, i need to get off my ass and apply for internship for my major. Im about to visit this site right now my counselor told me about, hope they accept my sorry ass. I need experience...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Day 7 - OBE

First of all i would like to say, FUCK LINKSYS ROUTERS AND FUCK BLIZZARD! fuck linksys for having shitty ass routers that wont even allow connections to certain programs and fuck blizzard for creating a patch that would have linksys routers not being able to connect to the game. Fuck the official server! I tried, really tried, but the shit wouldnt connect, so fuck them and their shitty servers, Wowscape all day.

Second, tape 5 is the same as tape 4. Monroe wants me to remember like 5 steps and thats good, it makes sense, he really wants people to remember stuff and visualize it, thats when the best results happen. I just have a hard time remembering stuff so i played tape 3 last night. And the humming part is about 1 min. so i edited it and made it loop 2x so it came out with 2 mins and boy was it some crazy shit. I felt the vibration sensation so intense after done the breathing that it freaked me out, i had to snap out of it and do the rest of session half awake. It was real intense and i am never gonna be fucking with these tapes by editing them ever again, only if he asks me to do certain steps, never editing my own ideas.

now im off to play WoW, this shit is fun as hell!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Day 6 - OBE

This is getting really complicated. Tape 4 is unorganized as fuck! Monroe is saying "do the following 4 steps then ill join you after you do them all", so i edited the tape cuz thats way too much info to remember and in the end it ended up being 1 hour long. Then he starts talking about visualize a bubble im like ok, i do that. Then when he starts talking about taking the fear out of the box and letting it go i got real confused. First it was fear, cool, visualized it and let it go. I had a real hard time doing this cuz fear kept sticking around, its like it wouldnt leave! I got a huge problem visualizing sometimes cuz thats what happens, i just cant visualize it perfectly and there is always this resistance of my visualizations for some reason.

So anyway, then he starts talking about "now look in the box and perceive the emotion the fear covered" so im thinking, 'oh thats happiness cuz fear covered it so its real hard to be happy cuz fear is always there'. then he starts talking about "let it go" so im like wtf? isnt the emtotion supposed to be positive, how am i supposed to let happiness go? fuck that!

I'm gonna review tape 5 today and see if it gets even more complicated cuz this is getting on my nerves.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Day 5 - OBE

I skipped 3 days so now im back on day 5. Played tapes 2 and 3 last night. Before i did this i spend literally 5 hours trying to fix internet on my computer. I signed up for WoW 10 day free trial and just cant get it to connect on this piece of shit linksys router, the old or the new one its the same problem. Spend an hour and a half talking to customer support, they unblocked all connections and STILL couldnt connect. I have no clue what the fuck im gonna do during spring break. I dont wanna play that game on this piece of shit labtop but thats my only choice so i guess im just gonna watch tv. And my internet doesnt even work anymore, im gonna have to reinstall the whole network. I hate computers and all the problems they bring, i literally wanna take a hammer and smash the shit out of this labtop and the cable modem its connected to, as well as the mother fucking piece of shit linksys routers. Just smash the shit out of everything and feel about 10 times better. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I googled it though and looks like lots of people with linksys having the same problem.

Anyway, when i started to listen to 2nd tape i was so exhausted. About 10 minutes into it i was really hypnotized, either that or i was falling asleep. It was almost like i was hearing stuff in the background and wasnt paying attention to anything, my mind wasnt present it was floating somewhere else. If i was hypnotized i dont think i ever had that experience cuz im not the type of person who gets hypnotized or falls asleep easily.

That happened right after i was doing the breathing exercises. The humming part is really amazing, it makes me feel some sort of unique vibration that produces some sort of unconscious state of mind or something. I did breath work before, but only a few times. And the group i was in the people told us to just breath and dont stop, id lay there for 20-30 minutes breathing really hard but without any humming when exhaling. So it was much harder but i almost left my body once when i saw some white light and felt i could just escape but i freaked and snapped out of it. But i think humming when doing breath work is so much more powerful. Im outta here though, gonna edit the files and move onto tape 4 tonight.. hopefully...

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I had a dream about my Female Friend... Again

I must've woken up like 5 times tonight, maybe cuz my crown is lose. Anyway, i had this LONG ASS DREAM! Don't remember most of it but i was on the train going to my old neighborhood. I was on it at night around 12am, i get off and its dark, all the lights are out. I walk a few blocks then end up being inside this house right across from the liquor store. I got a roommate who i appear to be friends with, some other people come and bring some sort of drama i dont remember. Then after a few hours or so, my female friend comes with some tall Asian guy. i give her a hug and tell her i had a dream about her, she makes the surprised noise "HHHAAAAAA, that means we have to live together", so im like "why we gotta live together? we're just friends". I ask her about her Asian b/f she goes 'hes not my b/f, and Asian guys are no good'. We end up sitting down together, she is still hugging me and starts kissing me. Her legs wrapped around me tightly and i'm like damn wtf? she kisses me all over my face and forehead but i dont kiss her back. My hands are wrapped around her back and then im touching her butt that has nothing around it but tight really short shorts. Then we talk some more as she keeps kissing me. Then i remember i say something like you shouldnt take the train this late cuz you a girl and may get snatched. Shes like "i live right next to the stop, blah blah". Then i was walking the streets at night and saw 2 girls playing softball, i stopped and played with them a little. The rest i don't remember.

I gotta eat and go see my dentist, i got like 20 mins to get outta here.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

my Crown came out, + a Dream

I was flossing this morning and my crown came outta my tooth. I had a fucked up crown for almost 10 years i think, had a hard time chewing on it.

Plus i had a dream my female friend and I were hanging out back in my country, we were outside of my building, then ended up being inside my apartment chilling and eating Fruity Pebbles. Then the next moment we were at some uppity party back here in the States, and then i dont remember what happened after that.

Will try to follow up with my mission tonight, im about to leave in a few and i think im gonna be late for school again.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

M.I.A. CDs just came!!!!!!!

oh shit, i been bumping the first album for like an hour and dancing to this. this is tight as hell. doing nothing but push ups and dancing, this song right here is the GOAT

this got me thinking how i never done anything i loved doing. i always loved dancing, never took it seriously cuz i was afraid of people watching me, always loved martial arts but never took it seriously cuz i was afraid to get hurt. blah whatever this album is hot. i been doing so much push ups lately, almost every day, i can see my whole body getting in shape, my chest is growing and my arms too. just need to stretch so i dont become stiff, and EAT!!!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Day 4 - OBE

This is tough. I thought it was gonna be a lot easier but it's getting harder. I gotta put in a lot more work just like anything else in life, and it's where i always get stuck. Story of my fucking life.

I got to tape #4 and turns out i gotta remember a whole bunch of shit before listening to it. I'm thinking of editing the old tapes with Cool Edit Pro so it helps me to remember. I'll just listen to it before playing the next tape, or maybe remember it, i dont know.

After i realized this last night, i stopped and went back to tape 1, turns out a whole bunch of shit i didnt even pay attention to. Thats how i am, i dont really grasp it the first time because my mind is at 100 different places. Thats how i am in school, thats how i am with friends, thats how i am in anything i do.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Day 3 - OBE

It was ok. My mind was drifting at times but this tape is weak. Im gonna listen to the 3rd one next time.

I had a dream too. Long story short i knocked this guy out and thought i killed him, so i was talking to my lawyer telling him what happened. Then ended up telling him some other shit, so i woke up and never finished telling the story.

Before i started though I did my 100 push ups, 3 of my Kung Fu forms, probably the best forms i ever done on my own. I tried really hard to have my mind blank to meditate, and it worked. In fact, im gonna go do that right now...

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Day 2 - OBE, & a dream

I had a dream but i dont remember much of it. I only had 3 hours of sleep but in my dream felt like it was much longer.

Last night was ehh, listened to the same tape, was sort of floating but not really. Im gonna listen to the 2nd part tonight and hopefully it will take my ass on some new adventure.

Also, im gonna try to stay clean for 30 days. No more weed unless im hanging out in the company of others. Taking drugs is the last thing to be doing when you trying to have a real spiritual journey because they slow you down and lessen the effect of what youre trying to do. I think thats why all those dudes who get old start meditating and stop smoking pot, they realize there is another way to feel so good without the need to use drugs. Funny thing is, before they get to that stage they smoke religiously then they start preaching with this "drugs are bad" crap. That pisses me off because of all the experience they get with pot and many realizations come with it.. but whatever, fuck em. me and Mary Jane are still friends, im just gonna have to put her on hold for a while.

one thing that really pissed me off. i signed up for WoW free 10 day trial, upgraded my account with the game i purchased and it wont connect! man... i really want to play that game i have not much else to do during my free time.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Day 1 - OBE

Last night was the first time i tried the OBE, it was really intense! About 5 minutes into it, this sound was getting heavier and louder and i literally started feeling my body was floating and i was going to some other place. IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME! So i opened my eyes to snap out of it. Then after about 10 more minutes it got real deep. There were these voices of Shamans, it felt real spiritual, felt like i was in some cave doing breathing exercises Shamans would do centuries ago to do soul traveling.

I was a little nervous, but overall this was an amazing experience for my first time. I think because of it i had that realization to talk to that girl in my class. WOW! This stuff is no joke, and i will stick with it.

I got the girl's # in my class

After last night i dont know whats gotten into me, but i was like.. I AM GOING TO ASK HER TO THE MOVIES. I dont know why, i dont know how but i was 1 million % serious about this. I am almost never this serious when it comes to talking to girls. I usually feel all nervous, realize im socially awkward, then worry about what the people around will think if i get turned down, and leave the situation.

Going to school i was like maaaaaaan most people are retarded! Who the fuck cares!!! I worry about what people think who 1) dont care about me, 2) dont know me, and 3) even if i was doing all the right things like buying the newest clothes and being socially intelligent we probably still wouldnt be friends cuz im so different so fuck them all!

I was so paranoid because once i know in my mind im going to do it my fear increases 10 fold, and i could almost feel it in every nerve of my body. I was taking heavy breaths to feel better. After the class was over i just came up to her and said im going to the movies and asked if she wants to come. FUCK FEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will be there whether i do it or i dont, so i did it, and now feel about 100 times better.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I have more motivation then ever to start practicing the OBE

Last night i was hanging out with my female friend. What ive noticed is every time a stranger came in, my defenses and paranoia went up. I have been abused a lot through out my life, first by my mother, she used to beat me with a belt when i was a kid. Anytime i did something wrong, the door to our furniture closet would open and i could just hear the friction of belt buckles banging against each other. It was scary for me because i never knew when it would happen. If i didnt eat her food, shed give me a beating, if i cursed, beating, if i refused to do my homework, another beating. There would be moments where i wanted to watch a show on tv and shed just tell me "youll watch it later, do your homework first?" i was like wtf!? how the hell can i watch it later when its on NOW? My mother was really tough on me, and i dont know why. Till this day she denies she ever beat me, she usually starts laughing and says "only once or twice". My dad beat me too but hed hit me upside the head if i pissed him off, sometimes to the point where id start crying because it hurt so bad. Then hed deny that he beat me, hed said he doesnt beat me and only smacks me upside the head and thats different. One time we had some family party/dinner and he pretended like he was about to hit me so i ducked, then i hit a sharp corner of this wooden chair, started bleeding. I still have that scar today right next to my eye. Dude could've been responsible for me not having a left eye if i hit the chair just half an inch closer.

I have witnessed a lot of street violence and been part of some of it. Seeing fights, confrontations, having been in a few fights, have been confronted. And my only lesson on how to deal with being in a street was from my mother, she told me this "When somebody comes up to you on the street and asks you for money, give it them!!! its better to have your life". So here i was a clueless little kid with nothing but confusion about how to be a man, coming out of my house with 1 thing on my mind-VIOLENCE! Hiding money in my socks thinking some people out there may jack me, going to school thinking someone is going to challenge me, every moment id think about nothing but how when im around people, it will lead to violence, and i didnt know what to do or how to avoid it. I think in some moments violence is necessary, but in most cases it could be avoided. I never knew how to avoid it so id be nervous or paranoid a lot.

And aside from all this violence, i have been used by some people. Strangers, associates, and even close friends. I'm at a point where i dont know who to trust, my best friend could be my worst enemy and i wouldnt even know until the shit hits the fan because im so naive, inexperienced, and gullible. So i have developed this shield that separates me from the human race, and i feel all alone.

Fast forward to today, its 100 times worse. So I'm sitting there with my friend, we just blazed a few moments earlier and now sitting on the couch in the living room watching a movie. 2 people come, 1 girl is her roommate, and 1 guy her friend. The second they come in my insides start to boil, and all i can think of is bad stuff that may lead to violence. I say whats up to the dude, shake his hands and hes like "what you doing here? this is my boo right here", so im thinking "OH SHIT! ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN MY FIRST REAL CONFRONTATION IN A LONG ASS TIME" my insides boil like its a thousand degree whether. So i say "nah man its cool, we just hanging out", he goes "no its not cool, thats my boo" looking at me all serious. So im like nah man we just friends, and he goes........ "im just fucking with you man" OH SHIT! i was like daaaaaaaaaaamn, you came in here doing that i was thinking I KNOW THERE IS NOT GONNA BE SOME DRAMA UP IN HERE! He knew that we were high too, but man...... i was so paranoid, i thought this was gonna be like a battle to death, its that serious in my brain, deep down in my subconscious.

So when he was there i was just thinking about how little human contact i get. I may know 1 person that i hang with but as far as hanging out in the company of more then 1, its almost unknown to me, and when i do and if its all guys, all thats on my mind is violence and how us hanging out will lead to somebody getting violent with me. and parties???????? thats like a 5th dimension that i almost never visit. In fact, im so inexperienced in being social that whenever i do go to parties i either sit there all quietly or do weird stuff like approach people in a weird way, freak people out with my social awkwardness, so i just dont go. And after that experience last night i was thinking to myself that i HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS BODY. I dont know if i can get any better by just being inside of it with this brain thats been put through so much trauma that i feel like death is the only way for me to be free. This also reminded me of this friend i had in high school who was mentally challenged, maybe ill talk about that next time maybe not. But one thing for sure, i must take this OBE serious and follow through. I havent followed through with one thing ive started in my life, at least let this one be the first.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I had a dream somebody was trying to kill me

It was a fucking nightmare. I woke up because somebody was trying to kill me. I dreamed of my old home where i grew up, for some reason i dream about it a lot! And in my building somebody was trying to kill me, so i ran over to the other building the one where my father used to live in. Went into the second entrance and ended up on the roof. There was some sort of a party/church going on, there was food and drinks. So i was just hiding on that roof. Then one lady was acting like she was possessed and would look towards her right like there is some evil spirit out to get her, just like they shake in churches she was acting like that. Then i woke up cuz that freaked me out. Couldn't sleep for a while, and woke up several more times.

Then i had this other dream where i was in some room watching tv or something with this black guy, and he was acting really weird. I dont know who he was but he looked like he just got outta prison, thats what his face resembled. And then the dude starts getting close to me and im like what you doing man? Then before i know it he was acting like he was about to rape me, i started panicking trying to escape. He was strong so i had to fight him a lil, then i got away and ran the fuck outta there.

When i woke up i went downstairs to do laundry and my mom's b/f locked me out. I was so pissed, but he came back within like 20 minutes. Its weird, i was looking at some Out of Body Experience sites last night then these dreams occurred when i went to bed. And they were in color, which means it is an Astral Projection/OBE and not a dream. I read that on some magic website, but most of my dreams are in color anyway.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Blaze a blaze, Galang a lang a lang lang ah/Purple Haze, Galang a lang a lang lang ah

*cops both her albums off amazon*

cant wait. and while im at it, let me get that dust buster ive always wanted. this is great im finally getting things ive always wanted. life is fucking good right about now, and im kinda fucked up at the moment but ive seen that movie today, Spiderwick Chronicles, shit is tight!!! just like the first one. Disney really knows what they doing, they got these sort of movies all around. i remember Dinasour was some cool ass animation film, it was fucking amazing. i dont know how they pull these movies but they are bad ass!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

I wanna get out of my Body

thats it, im on a mission to get out of my body. ive had enough of this shit. what am i doing with my life? nothing. where am i going? probably nowhere. a J.O.B. somewhere down the line, a car, a nice apartment maybe, and then what? shit man, who knows may be ill still be alone.

ok, im doing google search and seeing what comes.. man this is frustrating as fuck looking for things on google but for some reason i never find what im looking for. brb...............

im tired as fuck im gonna go eat some cereal and finish reading this later. im on a mission, i really really want to master this. i wanna get the fuck out of my body and see all you pathetic humans out there reading this thinking shit is sweat. with your stupid ass problems that your body and your reality brings, while i roam around laughing at all you bitch made maggots being biological monkeys.

Friday, March 7, 2008

and about that 'mentality of a 12 year old' comment

that type of shit makes me not want to talk to anyone. makes me want to lock myself in a room and live my life away from everyone. i am sick of being this cute, funny, innocent little kid. i have a lot of depth, but most people never see it. i used to be real mad looking guy, everybody thought i was a serial killer. i learned to smile and joke around, now everybody thinks im some kid. i feel ashamed of that, a lot! that is the biggest reason why i hate going out, hate meeting new people. everybody has this experience and i dont, and as a result it naturally makes me look like some 12 year old kid. a kid who never had a girlfriend, who never went out to adult parties, who never reached puberty. that shit makes me sad, depressed and angry, really fucking angry.

going to Parties is like going to War for me

i hate social events, HATE em! people gather, everybody is all smiling feeling good inside, and there is me feeling awkward not knowing what to say or how to act. this been on my mind for a really long time, and i need to write this down. I been thinking about that Black Student Union, and the girl in my class who said shell call me when they have the next event, and every time i think about it i cant stop panicking.

all of this chaos in my mind comes from 3 things: 1) me never standing up for myself, 2) moving from one culture to another, and 3) being alone for so long

  • never standing up for myself - when i was a kid i used to fight, and most times i would never fight for a cause. i always had a hard time expressing my thoughts so i didnt know exactly how to verbally fight someone or verbally tell someone off, or verbally avoid a fight. i remember how my classmates would do this, one would say "hey man i bet you cant beat that guy" and i didnt wanna look like a whimp so id go "yeah i can", then theyd go over to him and talk some shit like "hey man, he just said that he can kick your ass", fight after school. id fight, hate it, feel scared inside, until next time similar situation would occur. its weird cuz people would fight me verbally and i wouldnt say nothing back, but whenever i get challenged id never turn it down, even if all i had to do was say "im not fighting that guy, i dont even know him. why dont you fight him?". Then one day i was like what am i doing? so i said "no", and since then guys wouldnt respect me and fear started increasing inside of me. But it doesnt matter because i never stood up for myself, even after all those fights i had. I just went along for the ride cuz i didnt want to look like a pussy.
  • moving from one culture to another - i was 13, me and my fam moved from another part of the world to California, it was really a big culture shock for me. I had 5 friends back home, 3 girls and 2 guys, and i remember wed attend each others' parties and stuff. When i moved here though, i didnt even know what a party was until i was going to college, thats all of my high school years not even knowing what an American party looks like. I developed inferiority complex disorder, i thought all these kids born in this country are cool, and when they all get together at a party/club/whatever, thats like the scariest place for me to be.
  • being alone for so long - when we moved here i was alone a lot. i had a few friends but they didnt last that long, and the only party i remember i went to was of this friend i had, all guy party, thats it! That was my social introduction to the world of parties in America when i was going to high school. Other then that i was alone, at home, id have a few friends, play video games with them, maybe go to movies, but they never really lasted and id be back home being alone. My father wasn't there, my mother was busy working 2 jobs, my uncle was in his own world, and my grandparents had no fucking clew what was going on with me. My step-grandfather (RIP) was blind to my world, the only thing he ever told me when i was complaining that high school is hard for me was "oohhh, i wish i was your age. what i wouldnt do to go back to school" i was like yeah ok, i can see that you have no clue what im going through. He was a really outgoing, extroverted, friendly guy, whod also punch you in your face if you had any problems with him. a stand up guy who knew how to live and everybody loved him because he was so friendly.

all of these experiences made me hate parties, made me hate social gatherings. and the fucked up thing about this is, if its some boring family party where its a bunch of lame elderly people sitting around talking about a whole bunch of bullshit that i completely dont care about, id show up like whatever, completely not caring and not wanting to be there. but if its a party i really really wanna go to, like a black party, id be scared as hell to attend. everybody there would be dressed to impress looking all fly, and that inferiority complex would kick in the second i mentally picture myself there. i mean by the time i get to that event, if i ever will in the future, my hands would be shaking and my mouth would be all dry. the best example for this feeling would be going to war, thats how probably a lot of those soldiers feel in Iraq. and if they dont they start to feel it after seeing a couple of bodies drop, a few people lose their limbs and shit. its intense, feels like your insides are on fire.

at this point in my life i dont know if ill ever get better. im at a point where i dont want to go to the BSU event and pray to God that that girl never calls me. on top of all that poison thats in my head, its a BLACK STUDENT UNION event, and my ass cheeks are as pale as the fucking wall. as insecure as i am at some white party, i am 100 times more insecure at a black party.

i was just watching that College Hill reunion special and thinking how some people have such nice lives its like they have fun since birth. once they grow up they start doing all the grown men/women things while people like me are unheard of because we had such different lives, its a trip. seeing that sort of thing makes me feel envious, angry inside, like "why did these people had such nice lives turn out for them, and not for me?", i get so heated just thinking about how some of those same people look down on me. like i have it easier then them, the thought of that makes me wanna get violent and beat the living crap out of all those mother fuckers. I dont know what else to say so im gonna go now.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Smoking Weed before school is the shit! + a Dream

I had a weird dream. I was living in this house that was located right next to the youth center i used to go to. It was a night time, and my window in the living room didnt have curtains, it was sort of ghetto, not too much furniture, kitchen was linked to the living room and 2 more rooms, one to the left of the living room, the other to the right. So all of the sudden i hear my name being called, so im thinking to myself that sounds like D., the guy who wanted me to do him a favor. Then a few moments later again, my name being called outside my window. Seems like its coming from the youth center but it feels as if someone right outside my window is shouting my name, calling for me. I look, no one there, i turn off the lights, go to the other room, look out the window, no one there. A few more times i hear my name and then i wake up, outside somebody shouting and stuff. Im thinking maybe somebody calling my name outside my window but then i have no friends who know where i live. I went back to sleep, then woke up a few hours later.

So after i got up around 12:30, i started to get ready for school. Im right out the door as im always late, or leaving my place when i shouldve left 5 mins ago. I smoke some purple, take as many hits as i had to to get the little piece of weed into my system. I come to class, after the class is over talk to this girl a little, then im off to my doc. appointment. Chit chatted with this chick there, she had a tattoo, she said it "doesnt mean anything, i just like it", she was fucking wierd so im like yeah ok. OMG, i went inside this room waiting for my doc, about 20 minute wait, he comes in and starts talking shit to me about how "i see youre against western medicine, blah blah" im like yeah im 50/50, it depends man. So long story short i tell him im a CJ major and he is like "oh i see, is that a mic on you and you recording our convo?" i was like "yeah man, i got you on a voice recorder now" he was like "you serious?" he has this look like he just saw a ghost rofl! i was like nah man im just fucking with you.

Then this one Filipino girl approached me when i was doing h/w on a bench she is in one of my classes and didnt remember which one so she started talking to me, we exchanged #'s and that was that. Not really interested in her but i love this! Exchanging #'s with people is a good thing, makes me feel like im connected with folks. In case i need notes or whatever for the class at least i have someone to call. Oh yeah, and these 2 girls were sitting there at a table about 50 feet away, one of them was checking me out when i was talking to the Filipino chick.

Smoking weed really makes me ask strangers all the curious things i'm thinking. This especially works if i push myself to talk to a girl i really like first. Once i do that its on for the rest of the day, shit is amazing.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Hanging out with my female friend

maaaan.. this is crazy. today was the first time i "officially" hung out with my female friend. I havent had a female friend since i moved here from my country, this feels almost unreal. and on top of that i said something i shouldnt have said and learned that im sooooooo insecured.

about 2 months ago i lost contact with this girl in my class so i thought we were just classroom friends. i mean i kept texting her but she would never call me or text me back, till i said fuck it. i get a text message from her this sunday and i was like.. what... the...... fuck!? she never texts me. she was like "heeeeeeeeeey, whats up??" i was like what the fuck is this? she never acts this way whats gotten into her? then i call her up and we were like okay well watch a movie today. so we getting high before the movie you know, i show her my 2nd made bong and shit and she was all "how the heck do you use that thing?". and then its like this moment of silence right. im like what is she thinking? i dont know because she never tells me. so i ask her and she tells me some off the wall stuff like her friend and blah blah and im like.......... wanna make out?............. she went ohh myy Goooooooooood, started laughing, and i was like ???????? and she just kept laughing and im like look i don tknow what you thinking cuz you never tell me and i like you but i dont wanna ruin the relationship but you never tell me what you want so i dont know what to expect from you.

we sat there watching a movie, paused it a few times, talked, and laughed at the fact that she never ever tells me what she wants. its like i always bust out a closed ended question like "do you want this?" and shes like ... um........... uuuuhhhhh..... i dont know. we were high laughing at that shit then got high some more.

its just weird, i havent had a female friend in a while and my homeboy told me that its a God written rule that "boys and girls cant be friends" cuz in the end they gonna end up fucking or at least one of them is gonna end up wanting to fuck. so im a little confused, but i asked Argot(sp?)/bigpapakango on sohh and dude told me that he has a few female friends himself and the guy looks like he has lots of experience with women. but its just weird cuz there is some truth in that saying, many guys who have nothing but female friends are usually gay, when i hear a case like with bpk having female friends im thinking its normal, but then my other friend busts in with his opinions that makes me think the opposite. plus i really like her and never looked at her in any sexual way. its just weird, i mean i thought of fucking her and its like she looks like an 18 year old kid, i mean id do it but i wouldnt wanna ruin our friendship. so yeah... she is just a very secreteve girl and i told her that.

and i found out that i am sooooooooo insecured. when her roomie came home i was like "oh shit, what is she thinking about me? am i being weird? how do i act" and id change, close up more, stop being so easy going and start being all uptight. even when her roomate wasnt even with us she went into her room with her friend, who coinsidently... is gay hahahaha! seriously, something about gay guys makes these chicks trust them cuz they safe, they dont wanna just fuck and split. i even had this one black classmate, he was actually a cool brother never had a problem with me, but all the young black girls in class ended up being his friend. at first i was just like, this does not look right how come he gets all these girls and im not. and then i was like ohhhhhhhhh this makes sense he is gay!!!!!!!

anyway, im signing out. me and her gonna watch a movie this sunday but i really dont know where this relationship is going. my first female friend in like 15 years, and i already asked her to make out with me, haha. not good.

oh yeah and the last thing, social proof is funny as hell! its like im known in my school who is this quiet dude, a loner, who is always to himself. and then when people do see me walking with someone its usually some black girl, or it could be a black teacher, and its like... to those who see me around campus im known as this white dude who gets all the sisters, that shit makes me LMFAO cuz its completely not true. like when i was leaving she was walking me down stairs, and this black girl from my class comes in the elevator wit her friends, im standing on the left side and my female friend on the right side, we leaning on the walls all quiet with smiles on our faces like we just fucked. so the black girl from my class looking at me like "oohhh they just fucked" so she looking at me like she wants me too. then i remember one day i was high and i was flirting with this same girl's friend when they were both walking together. so to people like her im known as this guy who flirts and gets all the black women, when all it is is just a picture and most people are too dumb to figure out the real story behind it.