Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I just had the Biggest Shock of my Life

so after making my last blog entry about me being in Love with the Colombian Tranny, I kept thinking about her. and I kept thinking about why does everyone always leave me? WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!?!?!?! I am 35 years old, just lost my virginity with this girl, and yes she is a girl in my eyes, and I have no friends. This was always the biggest question in my life, why does everyone always leave me?

so, out of desperation, I started googling. Then I came across this one yahoo answers post of a girl describing the exact same life scenario, but from a girl's perspective. Here it is, "Why do people always leave me?" Now, I am not a girl, but I am a human. so, for this girl the situation was almost identical. the only difference, is that guys would come and talk to her, but when it was time to get into a relationship, they leave her. she said that she is someone whose love for another person either stays the same or grows, but for people that come into her life it seems too easy to just walk right out. And this is exactly my case! at first, someone could take a liking towards me. but after a while, they get bored, tired, or just annoyed by my presence and act distant. like this tranny who is acting very distant as of right now. at first, she was excited, and we made out in my car after sex. she'd text me and would want to text me every day. now, I haven't heard from her since last Friday, the convo I initiated. don't know exactly what I did wrong but this is the pattern EVERY TIME.

so, after reading the "Best Answer" for this girl's question, I got the biggest shock of my life. It hit me so hard, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I was frozen in time. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE LEAVE ME!!! I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM!

All day at work today, I was so distant, so aloof, I stopped checking my phone as much and stopped focusing on this girl who is very distant now. I mean, I still think about her, just not as much. I just received such a big shock of realization, that it's almost the equivalent to the shock of birth. It's as if someone just hit me with a brick. "No one will like being around you, if you don't like being around yourself." It was so shocking, yet so familiar. But all I did over the years, was suppress this common knowledge, thinking it will just pass some day.

Accepting myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome in life. And I still haven't overcome it. My pale skin, my skinny body, my weirdly shaped face when looking at myself in the mirror from the sides. I've never accepted myself fully. And in the past, I've actually hated myself. Now I'm more neutral with self, and sometimes I like myself. But other times, I'm disgusted with myself and reject myself. This is why people always leave me.

I'm gonna tell you my story of how I become the guy I am today, and why I have such a low self-esteem. Growing up, I never remember my father being in the house. I don't remember living with him. I was 4 when my mom and me were living with my dad and his mother. One day as we were coming home, his mother was home alone. My mom knocked on the door, and my grandma peeped in the peep hole, and did not open the door. So, me and my mom went back to my mother's mom's apartment, which was right across the street. I don't remember any of this, but this is what my mom told me and this is how the divorce happened because my dad took his mother's side. After the divorce, my dad wasn't around anymore. I have never met neither of my male grandparents. My mom's dad died at around 46, 10 years before my birth. And my dad's side grandpa a week after I was born. Now, my grandpa from my dad' side, he was a gangster. He was the leader of a gang. He moved to my country to get away from that life after all of his gang got killed by the cops, but he escaped somehow. If this guy raised me, he would have taught me how to be a man. You best believe it! But, somehow, someway, we never met in this life. So, I ended up being raised by my dad who was raised by his controlling, and manipulative mother. I have never had any sort of male role models whom I learned from what it's like to be a man. And that was really hard on me, and played a big role into how I shaped into who I am today.

I remember when I was going to 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, we would have fights after school. And if a boy challenged me, I said yes. Because I was always brave, but the very first time I got hit and got a black eye, it really shocked me. I didn't understand. What was it? It hurt, and now I have this weird feeling inside of my chest. Fear? What is that? What do I do with it? How do I control it? How do I make it go away? All these thoughts running through my mind, and not one answer. Not one soul to talk to. And I didn't know how to talk to boys about it, especially the ones who tried to manipulate me to fight other boys for their entertainment. So, I went on and on fighting boys after school being afraid. I was scared every time, every fight. After the fight was over, the fear went away, and I felt at ease. I hated it so much, fear, and fighting. Because when I fought, I had fear. And when I had fear, I usually fought, or had street confrontations, which I hated with passion. The confrontations happened every now and then because I grew up in a Muslim country, and many muslims hated whites. So, they taught their boys to hate white people, and their boys would try to fight us and chase us whenever we'd be walking home from school. The thing is, I didn't have that many fights total. But whatever I did have, it was torture for me.

So, one day when I was a little older, I'd say about 11 years, I got set up with the most popular boy in my class. Let's call him Tyler. He was a very good looking kid, charismatic, and he could fight. I heard he took boxing, but I didn't think much of it. I didn't take any fighting lessons myself. So, when we finally fought after school. He whooped my ass so bad, parts of my soul got sucked into my asscrack, and never returned. After that day, I was fucked up. Everyone at school knew. It was so embarrassing, and shameful for me to show my face. Some guys even came up to me next day, "hey so you got your ass beat by Tyler?" I was like yeah... wtf else was I supposed to say?

Then me and Tyler took cycling lessons, along with many other boys from my school. So then, Tyler who kicked my ass earlier wanted me to fight another boy. And this was a turning point in my life. I already fought this other boy, and it was a tie. So, I didn't want to fight him again, and as always I was scared. When Tyler asked me to fight this other boy again. I did something I've never done before...... I said no. From that day on, my life changed drastically. Boys stopped respecting me, and I started to run away from fear. I didn't know what I was doing, either way. I wasn't facing the fear, and I wasn't running from it. I just sort of went with the flow. But me being a clueless boy without any males in my life, I thought I could run away and the fear would be simply gone. Boy was I wrong. Once I started running, fear would chase my ass all the way to America.

About a year later, there was good news in my family. We were given a VISA to come to America, along with affidavit. I thought that 'this is it! this is my chance to escape! I will come to America, and make lots of friends. my life will be amazing like in those hollywood movies!!' Again, I was so wrong that it wasn't even funny.

When we came here and I went straight to high school, same things started to happen. I met these boys who spoke Russian, and there were a lot of Russian speakers, who first tried to act like they were my friends. This was especially with this one particular boy. I'll call him Brandon. Brandon started to mess with me by asking me to fight some Vietnamese boy. Again, fear kicked in and I started to be afraid every time I'd go to school. Every time I'd be in Brandon's presence, I'd be afraid that he'd set me up with that Vietnamese boy and I'd have a fight, in which I would be scared. My fear started to grow bigger and bigger. It grew so big, that I completely avoided all fights, and was afraid every minute I spent in the same class as Brandon. This happened for about 2 years, and at some point Brandon got kicked out of school because he was in a gang fight or something. He was also the guy who bullied my friend who had some mental disorder RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Brandon was nearly kicking my friend's ass in the back, and the teacher avoided looking up on what was happening, as it was very noisy. It was horrible. I felt really bad seeing this guy bullying my friend like that, but there was nothing I could really do.

So, as Brandon left school, I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed coming to school. I was stress free. I was, however, roaming the hallways by myself while classes were in session and spent time alone a lot. I distanced myself from the Russians speaking kids because I thought they were all fucked up. I wanted to be left alone. Then one day, I saw this one black nerd I knew who was into video games. He told me "hey man, the lab is open today!" It was Friday, on which the lab where we'd go to to play video games was closed. But this dude told me 'just go there, man. it's open!' So, my clueless ass drags my ass to the second floor waiting for the class to be "open". As I'm waiting, I see 5 guys show up at the stair way, walking towards me. Four black guys, 1 white guy. I'm like... what the fuck ever. I'm just waiting for the lab to be opened, so I could play my games. The guys surround me on each side. And before I know it.... BOOM, BAM, BOOM!!! I got punches coming at my head from all sides and I'm on the ground trying desperately to avoid being hit in the head. I went home that day all bruised up, and fucked up mentally. My ears were bleeding from the back. I didn't tell my mom or anyone; just my friend from Moscow I had at the time. He told me it's called Freshman Fridays, when guys in groups look for freshmen to beat up. Ironically, I was a Junior. But I was skinny, short, and pale at the time, so I mos def looked like a Freshman. It took me about a week to recover fully mentally. And then I was back to normal.

Fast forward to when I went to college, I had another confrontation, with 3 guys this time. I won't go into details, but back then I still didn't take any sort of fighting classes, so I couldn't really fight. It was again, 2 black guys, and 1 latino. They took my walkman, my fast pass, and they wanted to take my shoes off. Right there, I said HELL NO!!! I managed to run away from them, but my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't calm down getting to my class. Then, I could not sleep all night that night. And after that sleepless night, my life was never the same. I JUST COULDN'T CALM DOWN! I WAS SCARED AND MY HEART KEPT RACING AND RACING AND RACING. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was seeing a shrink at the time from high school that my mom made me see, because one day I told her I wanna die and shit. So, I asked my shrink about it. And she told me "oh, you have what it's called PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". That's when I learned about my 'condition'. Looking back, this PTSD comes from that very first day I started running away from my fear. That same day made my fear grow bigger, and stronger, until it just got out of control.

Fast forward to today, I have a really hard time accepting myself. Listening to hip hop back in high school and college only made it worse. The hip hop I listened to was a lot of 2pac, Dr. Dre, Spice 1, Too $hort, etc.. which was all cool. But then all these other new hip hop groups came into the picture like Dip Set, and I was exposed to so much racism through sohh forums, it wasn't very healthy for me. It was toxic, and poison. Many posters kept calling me cracker, honkey, and just making fun of my pale skin. It really made me hate myself even further. I sort of saw myself through these racists' minds, and it wasn't a very good thing to experience. I mean, I already had bad experience with black guys, but now I actually got to see what they have to say about me first hand on sohh.

And today, it's very hard for me to let lose and enjoy myself when I go out. When a song comes on I really like, it's hard to bob my head to it. I feel weird, odd, and like I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to change that, but after that shock I experienced today, I almost FORCE myself to walk up right with shoulders back. I've been doing martial arts for years now. What the hell am I so afraid of? But PTSD isn't rational. It comes and goes at different intervals, and sometimes I get these panic attacks that get the best of me.

Either way, this is something I HAVE to get over and work on. Not for the tranny, but for myself. I am still in shock at how deeply this realization effected me yesterday and today. I am just glad the moment came, where I got the answer to the question I've been asking for so long, staring me right in the face. I just pray, and ask for help so that I could move forward and on with my life. Without fully accepting and loving myself, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME! That's the biggest shock I've experienced in the last 24 hours. Until I fully LOVE my pale skin, LOVE my skinny body, and LOVE who I am inside and out, no girl will ever want to be with me or around me.


Paz said...

i feel your pain, man. shit is hard out here and even worse, the world is becoming less social as it is where everyone is living online or through their smart phones. it's made the world easier in terms of getting certain things but in exchange, we lost a lot too. shit ain't the same anymore.

Sp said...

yep. this generation is fucked! on facebook, instagram, twitter, etc.. people don't even need to have face to face communications anymore, because they are on their smart phone, or their computer chatting away. everyone stays in their comfort zone in their social circle. as lonely as I am, I am so glad I am not one of them. I'd rather be alone than someone 'normal' who has everything like friends, family, etc.. and not know what it's like to not have any of that. even then, you'll find out who your real friends are when something bad happens.