Saturday, May 30, 2009

Bad fucking day

today was one of the worst days i've had this year. i had to go to Oakland for the ceremony of the completion of my internship. i got a certificate or whatever the fuck it is called. going to these events is like a reluctant thing to do for me. i do it out of simple fact that i have to go. if i had my choice id rather have it mailed to me.

so i get there and the intern buddy is there with her boyfriend. she's one of those pretty girls who is friends with all the guys regardless of if they got game or not. it's crazy but she got people skills like that and wont judge you for your flaws. anyway, her b/f is just like me cuz that fucker never talks. i talk more then him actually.

so then after a while the court gets filled up with people and the shit starts. speech 1, speech 2, blah blah blah same ol boring shit. our site gives her an award then me an award then other people awards who complete the hours and then about 1 hour into it it ends.

funny there are some fine women interested in me (or it could just be me cuz i always think girls are into me but it could just be in my own head) and yet i don't even know how to "approach" them. so i keep all the talk on some basic shit. its so basic and shallow that i never go deeper then i need. i basically keep them far away from me just how i want it. i do that to protect them from myself. if they ever find out about my reality wholy shit i don't even know what theyll say or think.

days like these are the ones i usually not think about. not thinking about my shitty reality makes me not care about it but yet when i do it's one of these piece of shit realization days and how fucked i am. and unless i make a decision to go to parties regularly, fuck up, and get better and better little by little socially i will forever be fucked up as long as i live.

this one Filipino girl really liked me. i liked her too but i knew to stay away from her. cant even imagine dating her and shell be like "so tell me about yourself" and it will be another reality check with me going "i dont do shit with my life, i live with my mama, play video games, and i have no experience in living". that's the same exact reason why i dont get involved. i just keep my distance cuz i know just how disappointing i could be. it may be stupid but hey it's my life. funny how meditation stuff says "dont get involved in your feelings, just observe them" but how can you not when it's you? i mean i can 'not get involved' 95% of the time but then when i think about my reality i gotta face it. so i just sink into real heavy depression and i just wanna cry all day and night.

hearing about people partying and having a good time, marrying, going out and shit. then hanging out in big groups with friends like i did in my childhood days. man... hearing shit like that makes me wanna cry and cry without every stopping. that shit is so far away from me it's like i may never experience the joy of other people who you have a strong bond and connection with in a large group. that shit hurts. it hurts even worse when the same fags who got that reality look down on you thinking you have it easy cuz you white or whatever the fuck their reason is in their peanut brain.

and i know i am the one who can change that but i feel like there is a brick wall as tall as the fucking tallest building on the planet with spikes all over it. the wall is so fucking hard to get over i just stay on the other side. it's really crazy but that's how i been feeling all my life. if only there was someone to guide me at an early age but there wasn't. so now it's up to me to get over all the shit im going through. blaming my dad, mom or whomever hurt me in the past aint gonna do shit but make me have feelings of hate and resentment. it's just another bullshit emotional rollercoster over and over again.

but i gave up way too many times so i don't know if ill ever make a decision to break through and fight my demons. the way i see it in the 'there is no hope for me' state of mind is... im almost 30 so hey, 30 more years and im dead. so who cares.. but then it's like there is just a tiny little hope inside of me saying 'you can do it'. the shit is just not strong enough at this point so i just do what i always do. nothing.

Friday, May 29, 2009

More on Meditation

I noticed 2 people started meditating after seeing the movie I posted. So here is some more info that could be helpful.

1) My earlier post this year with an excellent book recommendation. Great book on Meditation!

2) Some more info from a blog entry I just found:

How To Do Meditation

Posted on May 22, 2009 by friamin

Meditation has become a popular way for people to help cope with the everyday trials and tribulations of living in our modern day stress filled society. Some will also want to learn how to do meditation to help connect on a more spiritual level. That inner sense that tells you what you see, what you hear, taste and smell is not all there is to this life. They know that if they don’t know how to do meditation they may not be able to connect with this inner sanctuary. The place where the tire hits the road, so to speak. How to do Meditation

I guess in this small article I want to focus more on the spiritual reasons for meditating and to also give an example of how you can learn to clear your mind to tune into the vibrations of the universal consciousness. I know that’s a mouthful but something so esoteric and generally considered fringe has now become more mainstream. More people are beginning to accept the fact that we are not just a physical body in a physical world waiting around to die. We are universal and connected to everything at the quantum level. It is through this understanding of quantum mechanics that has set in motion the wheels of self-discovery for many of us.

If you are like a lot of us then you have been thinking about ways in which you may be able to connect to this higher source of energy. I know of no better way than to learn how to do meditation and quiet the thoughts that are keeping you from experiencing this deeper understand of self. When the mind is quiet and you learn to listen to the inner voice, which is no voice at all, then you will begin to experience the vastness of the universe and your place as part of this eternal consciousness.

Your intention must be stated before you start to meditate and anything that distracts you from this intention must not be allowed to manifest itself. You are a divine being and your reason for this meditation is to connect with your divine nature. No other thoughts or intentions must take hold of your consciousness before you begin. You must be focused on this and only this. Quiet your monkey mind and empower yourself with the realization that you are a powerful divine being who deserves to experience bliss and love.

Sit quietly and concentrate on the sound of your breathing. Focus your mind on the sound and only the sound of your breathing. When thoughts come into your mind let them flow. Don’t pay attention to them or try to engage in a logical discourse with these inner thoughts. As you ignore them they will become less important. They will hold no meaning other than to distract you from your true purpose, which is to connect with the divine consciousness.

Do not pay attention to the inner movie screen that will try to draw your attention. This is meant to distract you from your true purpose. This is the body’s way of telling you that it is afraid of letting go. It does not want to release the illusion of self. It is afraid of death. It is afraid because its illusion of self is all it knows and all it accepts as reality. We know better than this. We know that our everyday waking consciousness is just an illusion and we want to break free from its mighty grip.

As you let go of the thoughts and the visions you will start to feel a small vibration in the center of your chest. This small vibration is the beginning of your awakening into the true power of the universe. As you become more experienced and are able to quiet your mind and your body you will begin to experience this vibration getting stronger and stronger. Do not be afraid and do not try to control this feeling. Once you separate yourself from this vibration and see it as a separate experience you will lose the connection you had with it. You must allow it to grow on its own and totally envelope you. There is no reason to fear anything; it is who you really are.

So you want to know how to do meditation? Start by doing meditation and inner reflection. Know that what you are can only be felt by experiencing what you are.


Monday, May 25, 2009

The Craft of War: BLIND

The greatest short animated film I have ever seen. The trailer at the end is epic.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Graduation 2009

Today was my graduation and it is almost unreal. I am finished with school forever!!! I visualized the day a few times before saturday and when it came it was pretty awesome. The day went by smoothly without any major embarrassments my family usually puts me through. I got a hair cut yesterday on 5/22/09. That was since 5/17/09 and that's 1 year and 5 days! omfg my hair were so long I felt like I lost 30 pounds.

Both of my counselors couldn't make it and that's fine. My co-worker from city college I invited didn't show neither. I saw my intern friend from the courts and it was great! Because if I didn't see her I would be walking all around alone like that one guy close to us. I really felt his pain. Sitting there all uncomfortable and shit with no one to talk to. The other 2 people she was with were quiet but I don't care.

This was my first graduation I attended despite graduating from High School and city college. It was a great experience and I don't regret it. I saw the black girl who was trying to have an affair with me and was engaged at a time (this was about a year ago), but my clueless ass didn't know how to lead it to the bedroom so it went nowhere. Saw a few other familiar faces but nobody I had any sort of connection with. Afterward we went to get some Japanese food.

Bachelors of Arts in Criminal Justice. I feel free. No more homework, no more classes, no more bullshit school environment and seeing people together all happy and shit while I'm a miserable fuck. YES!!!!!!!!

Now it's just finding a job and my own place after that. Been looking on craig's list since my last final and so far only 1 reply. I'm looking in Bay Area and L.A. area right now because even though I'd like to move to LA, I heard job market is even tougher there then it is here. So I'm just looking outside of this piece of shit cold and miserable city just in case something comes up.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Cosmic Energy

Here it is as promised.

This movie covers many things some of which are:

• The Universe
• Cosmic Energy and how to get it
• Third Eye
• Physical World vs. Spiritual World
• Life After Death
• Etheric Body
• Astral Projection


Spiritual Reality: Journey Within

Thursday, May 14, 2009

My last days of WoW

so last night my WoW subscription ended at around 9:50pm but i could still play after wards. so i stayed up till 4:00am cuz iw as like.. if i wont be playing this for a while now i might as well go out with a bang.

now i gotta get focused, clear the clutter in my room, sign up for a bunch of sites and look for a JOB every day. gonna go back playing on private servers in between but that's temporary.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I did it! my first real Meditation

today was my first meditation where i almost completely got into it.

started out with long breaths, then breaths got shorter, and shorter, and shorter, until it just faded and there was nothing but emptiness. my mind didnt day dream or wonder like it always does but there was just... nothing. emptiness. some words would pop up and id sort of say things in my mind but for the most part there was nothing.

30 something minutes of meditation and my leg was so numb i was hurting!!! didnt stop though and went through with it.

p.s. the movie is coming soon :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Done with School

just came home from taking my last final... i cannot believe this... I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL FOREVER! haaaaaaaaaaaaahhahaahahhaahhahah

and i aced that test! studied for like 6 hours for it. i didnt think i was gonna do that well because some formulas were complicated. i thought maybe id get like 80% but then i get there and....... NO FORMULAS NEEDED. it's all simple stuff and i know EVERYTHING! haha. the only question i may have gotten wrong was one. so probably got a few wrong. so thats like 97% baby yeahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! already have 95% in the lab. this one question i got stuck on to fill out 'Absorption spectrum'. i knew the other 2 but couldnt remember this one but then BAM, 10 mins later it pops up! Astronomy rules but not as much as the REAL Universe. the one without all the numbers and all the bullshit measurements. the one you can travel to without a space ship.

my next blog is gonna be about that my friends. it's a dope movie and im gonna post it soon. stay tuned.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Nazis in Russia

it's crazy how the country who fought in WWII is now part of the Nazi movement. when i was growing up in the USSR we celebrated the WWII victory that Russia fought in from 1941-1945 like America commemorates the Vietnam war. and now it's nothing but chaos with skinheads idolizing Nazis and beating down immigrants or foreign students.

Friday, May 8, 2009

This date got me thinking about people like me

We are the unfortunate, the fatherless or father-mess, the unwanted, the rejected, we are the Columbines, the Virginia Techs, we are the bullied, the picked on, the disrespected, and shoved into lockers. We are the no game having, the very little life experienced, and just outright depressed and miserable individuals who were always confused about this so called life. We are the no confidence having, the timid. We are filled with anger and envy that is on the verge of being exploded, yet most of us remain passive throughout our entire lives. Only a few crazy ones go out with guns blazing, while most are just sheepishly living because that's all we could do. We are the overlooked and always in the shadow. We are the living spirits who passively observe life as it is lived by others right in front of our eyes wishing it was us. But it isn't and it may never be. Maybe it would, but if you know that dude like me who is living happy and fulfilled tell me who he is because i haven't met him yet. We are everywhere and nowhere at the same time because nobody sees us, or will ever see us. The only time they do is on the Foxs, the CNNs, the ABCs news channels that reports of homicide in school shootings across America, and possibly the World. Nobody gives a flying fuck about us but our family and friends, if we have any. But we are here, and will always be here every generation until the end of the Universe. We are the product of our clueless parents and the future clueless parents until one of us decides that this cycle ends with us. This cycle ends with me, and hopefully the Universe will see that my sons and daughters wasn't meant to be.

That's some real ass poem for your ass. I know it's depressing but hey you want to enter my world and know what i'm like? there you go...

My date with the Russian Girl

so i just came home from my date. long story short she kept switching the time because of whatever reasons and we ended up getting some Japanese food.

i'm gonna keep it short. this was..... like one of those first dates... there was a lot of silence on my part and her filling in the gaps, and i felt embarrassed as hell. other times we talked about stuff like she does yoga meditation and i do vipassana meditation. but the worst part of this was when she said "so tell me about yourself. when you're not playing video games and working what do you do?" and i had NOTHING to say haha. i was like..... i play more video games and more video games. omfg i was so embarrassed. i was like 'i'm boring' and she was like that's not true i havent met anybody boring yet. she is a sweat heart. one of those great chicks who won't judge you because of your circumstances or that your life is a piece of shit, but i don't see this going anywhere to be honest. she can make a good friend.

fucked up thing on her part is that she rescheduled once, and moved the date to diff times twice. fucked up thing on my part is that when i saw her i was like ewww her shoes are ugly as hell what the hell is she wearing? i guess cuz im real picky like that. but in the end i was the one who caught an L, not her. i told her im more of a home buddy. hey at some point you gotta come out with the truth so i may as well just say it upfront. kinda depressing day for me but hey at least i got out there and accomplished something! omg i havent had a date in forever and this is actually one of the few i've had in my entire life, and i'm 29 years old. ain't that some shit.

p.s. good thing is my female friend called me and gave me some feedback on this. she was like "you dont tell a girl that all you do is play video games. thats like saying 'in other words im a loser who has no life'" hahahaha.. oh well, at least i know what i did wrong now.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I got invited to my friend's dinner party and...

I made a decision today that i am not going to go.

I was really thinking about it because i haven't been to a party with people my age for eternity and i really feel alone. Not because i don't go but because a) i have no friends like her, or at least haven't had forever, b) even if i do go id just be weird by being extremely quiet and not saying anything, and c) maybe it's too late for me to try to change.

I really feel like i was meant to be alone for this lifetime. I dont know why but it's what i have to go through because why else would i be so fucking lonely for so long? The reason why i even play games like WoW is to keep my brain occupied so i dont have to sit here and think how fucked up and shitty my life is. I used to cry every day looking at my life knowing that i'm in a deep shit hole back in high school, and that was back in high school! Fast forward 10 years and i'm at the same place i was. This is why i like being alone and play these "nerd" games that a lot of social people actually play. I love them and they keep me happy for a brief moment so i dont have to look at myself and my reality.

And she said they gonna have an after party too and i should come. I'd love to come but it's like i know myself so well that i'll just be weird and NOBODY would be talking to me and i sure as hell not gonna be talking to nobody or at least know what to do at a social setting. It's at times like these i think about my dad and go "where are you now? When i go through tough times like these you're nowhere to be seen but yet you wanna do the whole 'father and son' bullshit role play". he just wanna be with me with his lonely clueless not knowing which way is up or down ass, while i remain lonely too. no thanks. i'd rather be lonely alone, away from you and everybody else. And the worst part is that i can't even drink!!! i'll have another headache from hell and will have to leave right then or there if i do. ahhhh this really suxxx.

So yeah, it's fucked up but as much as I'd love to go i just can't. Especially going to a place where people from my school may be because i been trying to change and some seen the insecured lil boy while i was trying to be the "hey, hey, hey" guy in class. Just thinking about that makes me cringe so i cant even imagine seeing a person who caught me doing that shit. I just wanna run from this place as far away as possible. This is why i said death is the ONLY thing that will set me free. That and meditation possibly, which is why i am still doing it.

VY Canis Majoris - The Largest Star in our Galaxy

wholy shit! not sure if it's true but from this video it looks like this star is bigger than our solar system! i read that it takes 5,000 years for its light to travel to earth, and our own sun's only takes 8 minutes. which means if you see the sun, and i hope you don't directly look at it or youll become blind, you are actually seeing our sun 8 minutes ago. VY Canis Majoris is "almost" on the verge of going supernova but when it blows it will take 5,000 years for us to see it, not sure about feel it though. but damn everything we see in the Universe is the PAST! crazy.

Monday, May 4, 2009

I really hate living here

living around my family is like living in a conditioned house where everything is the way it is because of the people you live around. the furniture is like from Medieval times, there is nothing about this place that screams technology other then the 40 something inch LCD they bought recently. like i bought this device for measuring energy for this fucker and he used today for the first time. he just plugged it in. lmao i was like wtf? is he ok? you supposed to plug in the other device into it, measure the energy, and plug it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omfggggggggggg!! everything is old fashioned here. even the fucking dishwasher is disabled and i cant do dishes like normal people!!! we had an old one but they unplugged it, took it out and threw it away! got a brand new one just so it looks nice and not even plug the damn thing in!!! using their hands to do dishes like a bunch of old farts!!! they think they save water that way.

we were eating today and my mom's b/f starts talking about cat poop, then how kitties poop is diff from reg cat poop. then my mom started saying the difference and how they dig holes and shit so im sitting there thinking WTF!?!?!!? ARE YOU ALL FUCKING STUPID, RETARDED, OR BOTH? FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!! IM EATING HERE YOU MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i swear, living here is like being in a nut house. we got insects in the house because they keep windows open as well as the front door (minus the metal gate thank GOD!) so it "clears out the house" when this fucking city is cold as fuck and when i wake up i feel like i come outside when i leave my room. huge mosquitos, moths, spiders, even found an ant last night crawling on a fucking door!!! shit!!!!!!!! this place is horrible to live in.

then the asshole boyfriend always trying to impress me and shit. like yesterday i was saying how alcohol screws me up and he's like "well, not marijuana apparently" like he knows about me and shit. next time he brings it up again, and he always does, ill tell him wtf he talking about always trying to impress me. fucking idiot. just when i gain respect for him thinking gee this guy really cares about me.. he says some stupid shit to make my respect jump down back to zero. he's an ego driven maniac. a "stand up guy".

and my mom is so socially awkward. when i punish her for being socially awkward she gets mad at me and her b/f is all "what an asshole" so im supposed to reward her for being socially awkward and when i go out into the real world in social settings im as fucked up as her in social situations. i really fucking hate this place but one day death will set me free. that's the only thing i can really think of when ill truly be free. i mean ill be better when i get my own place but ill need to do a lot of work on myself to recover from this shit hole im in right now.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Saturday Date -Update-

to the person who asked how did the date go, here is my answer. THERE WAS NO DATE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHA!! what did i say when i said 95% of the time i made plans or called a girl nothing ever happened? you see wtf i mean? i mean it was only a few times in the past but still. i dont get this shit but it always keeps on happening to me.

i text her Friday if she likes Mexican food cuz i love burritos and she was like yeah i love Mex food you know a good place? i was like yeah this place there and there. and that was the last i heard from her. i text her once more and nothing. so then i was like fuck it and let it go knowing this will just be some long ass day with no reply and there is gonna be nothing happening tomorrow.

So she calls me 11am sat and leaves a message. "hey space, sorry i didnt text you back yesterday. i was so exhausted when i came home and i was studying after work. i got so much things to study, its crazy really.. blah blah blah. can we reschedule for next week? its gonna be on me for sure hehe" so i was like FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!! I DONT WANNA PAY FOR THE FUCKING DATE! I DONT EVEN WORK AND I BEEN USING UP MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT SINCE JANUARY!

I called her back a few hours later. at first i was like "tuesday? yeah i can do that" and she was like "um.. actually tuesday im busy, how about thursday at lunch?" i was like yeah sure.. then shes like "actually im busy at lunch" im like how about after our internship and shes like "yes! oh wait.. actually im gonna be studying then too.. how about friday?" then i was like uh... i gotta check my schedule ill get back to you on that next week. that's one important lesson i learned is that NEVER LET A WOMAN KNOW YOU'RE ALWAYS AVAILABLE! that will convey to her that youre a sucker, a loser, or both. even if you are available every fucking day be like "let me check my schedule and get back to you on that." it shows you busy and got life which is like a total opposite of me haha.

but i can see her studying though. she is working on her Masters and only 25! im a few months away from being 30 and just about to get my Bachelors. crazy... so the date is moved to Friday after i confirm it with her next week and we'll just have to wait and see what happens.