Saturday, December 25, 2010

exactly how I feel right now...

about my "elite" rich family... i sit there telling them all the drama, and craziness of my life, and they not only avoid listening to me.. they are almost scared of me, and my depth. they will never know nor understand the shit people go through sitting on top of all that money. even if someone tells them, they dont care, or avoid hearing it altogether.

i will always represent the poor, the unfortunate, the ones without shit or with something they really had to work their ass for. those are my peoples... my REAL family..

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

asked my cousin for help...

yeah so like.. the rich cousin i have... i called her yesterday said i felt like i was about to die and need help.. a place to stay.. etc..

was in their house today. they live in the hills.

man.. it was disheartening. the second i stepped into their house i felt bad vibes. my uncle was looking at me like "what he wants?" and then it went down from there. i was talking and telling them my story but.. they werent even listening half the time. asking each other what food they want, talking to their dog, doing other shit half the time while im talking.. i didnt even want to keep on saying stuff. it was just.. odd... felt like they were uncomfortable. then my uncle was like "you ever thought of going to your dads?" i was like i dont talk to him, we dont have a relationship... 15 mins of him telling me how good my father is and we should get together and do stuff.. argh... then my cousin was walking around and doing stuff. both cousin-male and female went to smoke outside. male cousin went to living room to watch Jeopardy.. aarghh... its like he didnt give a fuck. i went there watching that shit he was like "i love jeopardy" guessing answers. female cousin guessing answers...

then my male cousin just left. no "alright man, gl with your situation", no "alright man, later" or "give me a call if you need any help". he just fucking left. went to his friend or some shit.. without saying a word.

i almost left till they convinced me to stay for tea. i stayed for tea and my 2nd time telling them i sleep in my car for 2 weeks.. they actually heard me this time "YOU SLEEP IN YOUR CAR?" yes!! for 2 weeks!! jesus christ, i felt like i was in a movie with strangers or something. i felt odd as hell when i went to the bathroom. like.. wow.. .this is my fam...

uncle's wife told me she could help me to pass around resume and stuff. i really believe herd her. everyone else were like meh... in their own world and shit. even her actually.

it was hard as shit to ask for help. i did it, and it turned out to be almost pointless. i didnt even want to ask them to stay over with these vibes. i asked my cousin on the phone, but didnt wanna ask them in the house. uncle offered me to come stay with them when i said i sleep in a car.

whatever.. off i go. gotta drive and sleep somewhere. i am really sleepy and hopefully those pain pills will knock me out tonight.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

sleep in my car and root canal

I'm going out like a G!!! garlic pills 3x per day to fight the immune system, and i now SLEEP IN MY CAR! yes... i drive to the nearest rich neighborhood, park, and sleep there. works about half the time, cuz a car is not exactly the most comfortable place to sleep in. lunar eclipse last night but the sky is foggy and rainy. doesnt matter anyway, its the last thing i care about right now.. sadly

came back from doing a root canal and my tooth hurts like hell. but i am not settling for ghetto ass dentists no more. my mom will help me with bills.


Friday, December 10, 2010

I may die tonight

im not even joking or anything like that. i may die tonight or possibly this weekend.

i feel really bad. i mean REALLY REALLY BAD. i can hardly inhale all the way cuz it hurts. my heart area hurts. i fell asleep at 12:30ish and woke up at 4am. could not sleep after that. took 2 melatonins, 1 before bed and one when woke up. didnt work for shit. i felt like shit the whole day. i never felt this bad before. so if i die then nice knowing all my haters and fans and all that other stuff.

just make sure when you come to LA make sure you got money, stability (real job), or family support. otherwise youll be looking to save rent and live in shitty places where noise and moving energy does not stop until it kills you, literally. but maybe thats just my story.

driving home i saw SSS on lincense plate, and then SS on another. let me look that up real quick..... blah cant find anything. who cares anyway.

i was actually lookin gforward to living through 2012. may not happen. some night when i try to sleep i have this CRAZY RUSH like wtf!?!?!!??! I GET UP ALL SCARED AS HELL. whatever it is, it is not good. and it happened at lunch when i was 'trying' to sleep. never works though.

la is a city of toxic waste and noise. unless you rich, stay away from this shit hole


Sunday, December 5, 2010



I never thought id say this but San Francisco>LA

I can't sleep
couldnt sleep since i moved here
from living with potheads with a baby (2x) to LOUD ASS ROOMMATES/NEIGHBORS
so im like 'today im going to bed at 10pm.. right? WRONG!
neighbor blasting tv
i knock on his door like yo man plz turn it down. he has like this 'wtf man?' look on his face as always but like ok
cant sleep
the other faggot ass neighbor starts coughing.. AGAIN.. cant sleep
im thinking BITCH I HOPE YOU DIE
truth is it doesnt matter if he coughs
he hasnt been coughing for like 95% since i talked to him and I STILL CANNOT SLEEP

my teeth are fucked up since april of this year. 1 i have to do a root canal, and the others i will redo the fillings. ALL 4 OF THEM NEED REPAIRING.. and i gotta say this right here... FUCK WHITE FILLINGS!!!!!!! THEY ARE PIECES OF COSMETIC SHITS!!!!!!!! FUCK THEM TO HELL!!!!!!!!

i am looking for good dentists that do silver fillings and replacing all 3 while the 4th is gonna cost a shit load of money for root cannal my moms will have to help me with.

my hands are fucked up. bones on top of them and a bone on top of my wrist cuz of the faggots abusing me at work. the stupid slut is scared that i will sue the company. THAT IS ALL SHE CARES ABOUT !!!!! not my hands or how i am donig, but hopefully i wont sue them. WHAT TYPE OF PLACE IS THIS?? WHAT TYPE OF FUCKKING CITY IS THIS???? FUCKING COWORKERS TREAT ME LIKE IM A FUCKING ALIEN FROM OUT OF SPACE!

i fucking hate this place man. hate it.

it has been nothing but hell since i moved here back in july 2009. i cant sleep for 1.5 years, my heart area hurts, i am concerned for my health. AND THE FUCKING WHITE FILLINGS I CANNOT SLEEP AS A RESULT OF THEM AS WELL!!!

let me say this. white fillings are pieces of shits because THEY ARE NOT THE REAL TEETH!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING COSMETIC PIECES OF SHITS ARE NOT THE REAL TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!! SO HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME THEY SHOULD BE PART OF MY MOUTH!??!! FUCK YOU DENTISTS YOU DONT KNOW SHIT!!!!!! i sleep on my stomach, and ever since i got white filllings my teeth GRIND EVERY FUCKING NIGHT WHEN I CLOSE MY MOUTH! i cannot keep my mouth closed and shut in the same place. TEETH START TO GRIND AGAINST EACH OTHER THE SECOND I CLOSE IT!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!! IMPOSSIBLE TO SLEEP. LAYING ON MY BACK IT TAKES ME LONG TIME TO FALL ASLEEP. and when my heart is beating fast, and chest hurts its even harder to sleep.

L.A. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE THE MOST TOXIC ENERGY WITH THE MOST TOXIC PEOPLE. IF NOT THAT THEN A BUNCH OF FAKE ASS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! CO-WORKERS WALKING AROUND SMILING IN MY FACE BUT WILL STAB ME IN MY BACK TYPE OF SHITS. hi and bye are the only 2 words one faggot ever says to me. the other cool guy that actually was like me started to act weird after hanging out with thta faggot. and now he let the gossip get to him, whatever the fake fag told him about me, and now i dont even respect him, a cool guy like me. why should i? he starts to act weird out of nowheere for no reason. THIS IS LA@!!!!!!! FUCK THIS PLACE MAN!!!!!

i have been looking for a place outside of the city in a house like a room. but its hard as shit cuz places are mostly within a city and not as much outside where its quiet in nice houses. fuck my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had 8 or 9 hours of sleep Friday night i almost shit bricks in the morning. that was like the first good night sleep in 1 or 2 months!!!!!!! and even then I WOKE UP LIKE 10 TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!! only slept cuz didnt have to wake up to work otherwise it would be another 5 hours.

i have been praying damn near EVERY NIGHT, and i feel like i am some rat in some lab with my fridge popping, turn that shit off ever night. loud koncks in the ceiling/walls. cant do shit about that/wear ear plugs. neighbords loud. mexican RUDE ASS PEOPLE HONKING THE HORN EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!!!! LOUD DOGS BARKING ALL DAY!!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS CITY TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH I JUST WANNA FUCKING SCREAM SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE IM GOING INSANE IN THIS PLACE!

i feel like everyone forgot about me in this and other words, and im left all alone. family dont give a shit about me. one side they are rich 'elite' faggots, the other a bunch of criminals.

i have no fucking friends and no one to turn to. i swear to GOD i will be playing WoW again cuz i got nothing else to do in this shit!!!!!!!! I CANT EVEN GET A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!??!!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!