Saturday, November 22, 2014

Am I in Love?

so lately, I've been feeling really shitty. I feel as if someone close to me left me. Did they, or is it all in my mind?

I want to talk about something first, before I get into the topic I want to discuss. I have a history of people leaving me. Friends, a girlfriend, I guess you could call her that, and more people I meet along the way. You see, I am shy, introverted, sensitive guy. No matter how much I faced my fears in the past, I always hit a brick wall at one point or another. But to make a long story short, people leave me for various of reasons. One of them is that I am boring. I don't go out, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't even smoke weed anymore, I don't chase women, I don't hang out since I have no friends to hang out with. No one really knows who I am, and no one invites me to any events. I've made a friend or two in the past that would invite me. I'd come, but they'd get bored or tired of me, and just be distant. In the end, I have a history of people leaving me. And it really hurts me deeply.

One of the reasons why they leave me is that I grew up sheltered, and never developed social skills the way many other kids do. I have no siblings, and wasn't even raised around my cousins. All I was around is my socially retarded dad who divorced my mom when I was 4. And my mom, and her family, who aren't that great socially themselves. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when it was time to go out into the real world, I simply mirrored what I learned at home.

In the past, I used to push people away without realizing it. They'd get pissed, and leave me. I had a friend before who saw it, and called me out on it, and he refused to leave me. He was gay of course (bi, but he liked men more than women imo). I say this because if he was straight, he would be nowhere near me once I said something rude or disrespectful. But he knew what I was doing, and it taught me a great deal about myself, and about gay people as well (no homo). Thanks to him, I learned from my mistakes and grew as a person. Now, today I have a problem with marijuana. When I smoke, I get real chatty and start talking a lot. Weed makes me wanna connect with people. But I get paranoid or excited, and I start saying anything, along with stupid shit.

So, why am I in love? Well, it's about that escort again. Since the time she cancelled our plans to spend another night in a hotel, she's been distant from me and I am going crazy. Every minute I don't get a text from her is like an hour. And every hour, is like a day. And every day, is like a week. I feel like I am being tortured from all sides. The other day at work, I felt like I completely left my body. I don't know where the fuck I went. But it was as if I completely blocked out! I was spaced out, and for a moment wasn't present. It really scared me. I felt like I came very close to going insane. Thank god I didn't.

Anyway, I say all this because last time I actually talked to her was when we talked 3 days before the Friday we were supposed to hang out. I was high on those 5 hits of her blunt she left me. I don't know if I texted her afterwards something stupid, or if I said something stupid. Or maybe nothing I said weirded her out at all. But that's all I've been thinking of. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Is it because I am 35 and live at home? Did she talk to her friend and she told her to let me be? All these thoughts running through my mind, and I don't know what to think.

I just never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is a sweat heart, non-judgmental, open minded, beautiful, stylish, understanding, curious, and of all of these things... she is a loner like me. She doesn't party, if she does she just goes to visit her friends there to say hi and bounce, she doesn't go out that much, and she seems like she's willing to give me a chance, despite knowing I am sexually inexperienced. But in the end, why is she so distant? Is it because she just had a surgery done? Is it over between us? I don't know. But the only thing to do right now is to give her space. I just wish I had a friend to call and ask him on this issue, but I don't even have that option. So, I always end up figuring these things out on my own. What a life, huh?

I have never been in love before, but I was just thinking about it. Is this it? Is it when you can't stop thinking about someone and their qualities, and how amazing they are? She is such a good girl, I wanna be there for her. I wanna lay next to her, hold her, kiss her. I need physical touch and affection so bad, it's pathetic! But I may have done what I've done in the past, push her away somehow, either verbally or through the circumstances of my situation. I don't really know at this point, but would like to talk to her to find out. But she didn't let me when I wanted to connect after the surgery. She texted me "No. later." I understand, but inside I'm an emotional turmoil.

This is why I hate texting. Every text from her is like being tortured. I get a text and I'm ecstatic. Then there is this long....... slow..... wait........... it could be 10 seconds or it could be 1 hour. It's fucking torture for me. Every time, I don't know if the next text will never come. The best time I have right now, is when I fall asleep. Then when I wake up, the torture starts again. I start thinking about her. "Is it over? Is she ignoring me?" and on and on. All these thoughts and questions running through my mind. And I can't escape it. Last time I got a text from her was roughly 30 hours ago. It feels like it's been much, much longer than that.

My plan for now is just to wait it out until she contacts me. And hopefully, we can connect somehow. I really want to spend time with her when she gets back. But my biggest fear is that she, like all the other people in my past, left me already in her mind, and in her heart. That would really hurt me. More than anything has hurt me in a long time. It's not very often I make a friend like this, or make a friend at all. And that's another thing, is it me being sexually inexperienced the reason for this? Don't know... I guess time will tell.

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