Wednesday, December 31, 2008


i couldn't sleep 2 nights ago at all. i meditated last night and barely fell asleep and had like 6 or 7 hours. from now on i'm gonna really try hard to meditate every night before i go to sleep.

i just bought this Angel Love. $2 baby! can't beat that. and it's perfect especially track 2 cuz its 20 mins long and has bells at start and end so i know when meditation starts and ends.. ahhh yeahhhh! meditation here i come!

all this stuff i'm trying to master with OBEs and other spiritual journeys i'm so interested in. the more a person have mastered meditation, the easier it is.

and insomnia is kicking my ass so hard. i have such an irregular pattern of going to bed. and when i go to bed i think about so much shit it's like an excuse for me to not sleep and just day dream at night.

i don't know if i can pull through cuz i always give up everything i ever start but i hope i keep up with this till death because this is the only thing i can take with me after i die. none of the money, sex, glamor or whatever the fuck most people are after will matter when death comes. and meditation could be the only thing that i can take with me and beyond.

done with night 2... going on night 3 tomorrow

Monday, December 29, 2008

I protect women from myself

i turn on the news and so much craziness is happening right now. all the violence in the Middle East. the fucking savages wouldn't rest until Israel is nuked 10 times. the world we live in is truly disgusting. and even though i really don't have it bad compared to all that i got something i wanna get off my chest.

long story short. girl at my internship likes me, she gives me signals, i never send signals back because sending out messages into the universe that reveals my feelings is THE SCARIEST SHIT FOR ME IN THIS WORLD! girl keeps approaching me and talking to me, i talk back. i dodge her and try not to appear there the last minute when we all leave. girl gets tired of all this bullshit and calls it quits.

the last part happened today if i'm not completely mistaken. 1) she wasn't there, 2) she wasn't at the info desk with me when she's scheduled to be there, 3) i saw her leave from a previous department she worked in and she probably transferred back and didn't even say hi when i wasn't looking.

but... despite all this depressing stuff... this is good. how? well, it was just my way of protecting her from me. i protect women from myself and why wouldn't i? i am 29, i live with my mama, i got no self esteem, no confidence, i never had a girl, i have a lot of hate and heavy emotional negative feelings towards women, i dont understand life, i don't understand women, i don't have any friends, i am lonely, i am socially awkward, i am scared of life, i am scared of people, i am a scary person. and there is a lot more. so when i ask myself "if i were a woman, would i want to be with someone like me?" and the answer is HELL NO! seriously speaking.. nobody would want a guy like me. i am a little boy stuck inside a man's body. and the older i get without experiencing anything in life, the more awkward it gets because when it comes time talking to people i have nothing to say. i mean i could've gotten with her and had sex but when? where? how? it's like i'm leading a woman into a blind path that i don't even know myself where it leads.

but it's over i hope. i feel sort of down but i guess i'm destined to sacrifice myself for other people. i push people away from me like this because deep down in my heart i feel that sooner or later when they find out the truth about me they'll leave me. so why not just do them a favor and save them the trouble? i am gonna do what they'd do eventually, and that is make them leave me before they leave me themselves.

right now though i kinda feel motivated to get my ass and look for a job. because i do believe living at home and not working is a big problem for somebody my age.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Spiritual Chants... this stuff is no joke

to the reply to paz i was always interested in Chinese astrology, philosophy, and religion. all the beliefs Chinese believe in i strongly believe in too and was always fascinated with that aspect of their culture (maybe Buddha is for me). i even took Kung Fu for a couple of years cuz i wanted to master myself but quit cuz i figured im wasting time since ill never be that tough stand-up guy i was so desperate to be long time ago. anyway as i bought that album off amazon it was some real powerful songs. i was high and stuff but they really put me in a trans. like i listen to it every day going to my internship and back and i feel so fucking relaxed its almost as if i sink into the music and forget about lots of stress and all this poison in every one of us that dwells in every city of America. so anyway, then i researched this guy and turns out he has a lot of CDs out. one CD named "Holy Harmony" i downloaded because i didn't wanna buy a CD that has one song played on it. literally it's one song with the same chant over and over but it sounds real beautiful. now when at first it freaked me out because i was high and it sounded kind of religious. but then i started to read on what the chant meant it just brings me closer to it like i wanna connect to it. the sample could be heard here...

The chant is... Yod, Hey, Shin, Vav and Hey

what it means

'Every time you see the phrase "The LORD" in all capital letters in the Bible, especially in the Hebrew Bible, The "Old Testament" (though we hate that term), it is referring to God's name, YHWH, Yahweh.' but if you add S in between it becomes YHSWH which stands for Yod (Y), Hey (H), Shin (S), Vav (W) and Hey (H), are the exact words chanted in the Holy Harmony video linked above. those same words is the name of the Son of God. and then i look at the CD reviews and everybody is saying some deep stuff about this chant and album but yet i dont know much about religion and not really a religious freak but believe in supernatural. and you know i totally believe that there is music that heals us and helps us and there is music of the devil that curses us and poisons us. and think many of that poison is contained in a big portion of hip hop. all the ignorance, racism, and sexist is fucking poison to the people who keep producing that and portray that image for something to hold onto (people who listen to it are fucked as well) when it's just a form of a tool to poison human beings, their bodies, mind and spirit.

and this guys' records really relax me and put me in a moment of peace. it's not like i wanna dance, kick someones ass, get depressed or cry or nothing like other songs may make me feel but i just feel real relaxed and stress free. but when i hear some drum music it makes me feel the millions of years of evolution and kinda makes me feel like im back in the tribal times. its like my spirit is soul traveling or something but i cant literally see it myself with my own eyes.

but anyway this chant "Yod, Hey, Shin, Vav and Hey" is talked about in this link

"In the beginning, mankind was created in the image of Yod Hey Vav Hey, .

Adam perfectly reflected God's nature and attributes. That is the proclamation of the book of Genesis. Through the fall, man stopped recognizing this, stopped properly reflecting YHWH's nature and attributes, and through sin and the fall, we became darkened creatures. We lost the ability to reflect God's Holy Name.

and was another part where it said how in Hebrew the words are spelled backwards and God's name is spelled Yod Hey Vav Hey. but if you flip it then it spelled Jesus if you add an s or something it was a bit confusing.

"This is a direct connection of YHSWH to YHWH. He [Jesus] is claiming God's name for His own. Yod Hey Shin Vav Hey is claiming Yod Hey Vav Hey's name as His own.
is claiming 's Name as His own!

is the words of Jesus flipped from vertical to perpendicular position. that little letter in the middle representing a heart and its meaning is the son of God and is the words for God.

it also says this..

' YHWH is the non-manifested, hidden, transcendent God. YHSWH is the visible, manifest, present God.

You could say that YHWH is potential and YHSWH is kinetic.

Hidden and revealed, spirit and flesh, transcendent and present. These two beings, God the Father, God the Son are united. And, they're united in the name.

It is clear that YHWH and YHSWH are one being united by the invisible spirit, who is also sent in the name of YHSWH.

and it goes even deeper when he gives a couple of examples. but to make a long story short. there are many chants in religion like Budha and many others, and if you keep chanting the same phrase over and over it will connect you to different kinds of spiritual worlds depending on the chant and what it means. and i'm really interested and fascinated with this stuff. this is why i never got into that OBE because it was western based. i don't like western based theories and philosophies on soul travel, they are very... um.... like you know... technical and biological or whatever. it doesn't even sound spiritual. i don't know. it just feels very dry to me and maybe i didn't get into it or got frustrated with all the instructions and no meaning behind them.

maybe i'll get into chanting i don't know. i'll just keep researching and buying some of this spiritual music and look up different chants. i already have 2 albums and want more. and i just got a $40 amazon gift card from my mom so i'm gonna try to get some more stuff for now.

Monday, December 22, 2008


I wanna go here

here is some of the info i found on sound...

Sound is among the most transformative and healing energies on the planet. It can relax us and make us calm, or move us to great heights of emotion. Sound can restore balance and harmony to our lives and make us healthy and well. Conversely, sound also has the ability to adversely affect us and bring our already stressed-out vibratory rates to new levels of imbalance and disharmony. Why and how? What is the difference in the sounds that make us healthy and those that distress us?

Sound can affect us on all levels - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Beneficial sounds for us are often sounds that we consider "sacred." These sounds seem to have the ability to charge and harmonize us. There are reasons for this.

Knowledge of sound as a therapeutic and transformative force is very old. The Ancient Mystery Schools of Greece, Rome, Egypt, Tibet, and India had great knowledge of sound as being the primary creative force in the universe. The ancients knew what the modern physicists now understand, that all is in a state of vibration. "The World is Sound!" these ancient mystics proclaimed, and indeed it seems to be so.

If we examine the basic tenants of many of the spiritual paths of the world, we find a commonality in them. They all share the belief that the world was created through sound.

and here they are talking about the experiments they done and how different shapes of invisible waves look like.

this is some crazy stuff, i dont know whether to believe in in and be an awe or say its just a marketing way to make money. i do hope its not the latter though..

A concept of disease, observed by the ancients, and now speculated by certain scientists such as Itzhak Bentov in his book Stalking The Wild Pendulum is that illness is an out of tune behavior of the body. When something becomes diseased, it frequency changes and it begins to vibrate differently than it once did. Through sound, it may be possible to apply harmonizing vibrations which will cause the body to become in tune again.

In a healthy body, every organ, bone, tissue, and other part is producing balanced frequencies that create a healthy harmonic of the entire body. A healthy body is like an orchestra playing a marvelous and natural symphony, the "Suite of the Self." But what happens if the third violin player from the end looses their sheet music? They begin to play the wrong notes in the wrong rhythm. The "Suite of the Self" begins to sour and this is what we call disease.

Continuing with this image, we find that traditional allopathic medicine would probably cut off the head of this violin player in order to alleviate the problem. But what would happen if we could somehow give this violin player back the sheet music? What if we could project the correct resonant frequency back into the imbalanced organ and allow it to vibrate to its normal healthy frequency again?

Sacred Sounds

Sacred sounds from different traditions can vary extremely in their use of frequencies. These traditions will often use very different tonal scales and rhythms than we are accustomed to here in the West and we may find these sounds extremely bizarre, out of tune, and quite disharmonious. That is, until we truly open our ears and our hearts to what is really going on. Remember that when Westerners first visited Africa, they reported that the Africans loved to sing and dance, but unfortunately the Africans were totally unmusical with no sense of rhythm. Nowadays, we may hear Hindu Ragas, Tibetan Chanting, or Balinese Gamelon music for the first time and feel very similar reactions perceiving these sounds as totally unmusical. However, once we get past this initial response, we may find that these sacred sounds have extremely transformational effects.

Dr. Alfred Tomatis, a French doctor, has spent many years researching the sacred sounds of the world. In particular, he has examined much sacred chanting, including Gregorian and Tibetan. Dr. Tomatis has found that many of the sacred sounds on the planet are rich in high frequency sounds, called harmonics or overtones. He believes that these sounds charge the cortex of the brain and stimulate health and wellness.

Harmonics, or overtones, are geometrically related sounds that occur whenever a natural sound is created. Harmonics are the sounds within all sounds, responsible for the tone color or "timbre" of an instrument and our voices. The mathematics of harmonics display universal principles corresponding to an underlying framework found in chemistry, astronomy, physics, botany, and the study of other sciences. Knowledge and understanding of these sounds seems to be quite ancient, dating back to at least Pythagoras if not before.

The use of harmonics as sacred sounds may be found in many Shamanic and mystical traditions, particularly Tibetan Buddhism and Mongolian Shamanism. Here the sacred sound practitioner developed the ability of creating multiple overtones or "Vocal Harmonics" and singing two or more notes simultaneously. These sounds were used by chanters as a means of invoking different deities and energy forces and for balancing the etheric centers called "chakras."

Listening to recordings of Tibetan Monks chanting in this "One Voice Chord" can itself be a transformational experience. The monks utilize a fundamental frequency that is so deep, it seems to be almost inhuman, like the growl of some wild animal. Coupled with this tone is a much higher voice which sounds like the voice of an angel singing in harmony. These two sounds come from the same being, a Tibetan Monk, and they are the result of sacred sound practices.

The creation of harmonics is based upon vowel sounds. The singing and elongation of these vowel sounds is found in most of the major chanting in the world, from Hindu and Tibetan mantras, To Sufi and Kaballistic practices. For example we have "Oooooommm" and "Aaaaameen," Aaaaallaaah," and "Yaaaah Waaaay." Through this form of "toning," extraordinary resonance of the physical body and the brain occurs. When the reciter of these sounds focuses an intention of becoming one with the sacred sound, the results are extraordinary.

i just bought this CD in mp3s... gonna listen to it after take a few hits. ahhhhhh...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Dark Night was horrible

just seen this boring ass movie. omggggggg it suuuxxxxxxxxxxxxx beyond belief. it took me 3 nights to watch it cuz i couldnt watch through the whole thing but i had to just to know how much it fully sucks.

they seriously need to stop making batman movies cuz they are worse and worse with every new one. the only thing that was good about it is the jokeman and the robbery part. it felt real fucking real. other then that the movie is a flop in my eyes.

so much violence and for what? they just instill this garbage culture into little kids to make them numb to all the chaos they showing them. fucking idiots. none of the new batman movies would ever ever EVER come close to the first 2 which are fucking CLASSIC!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I just destoyed the living shit ouf my keyboard!!!!!!!!!!

fucking old raggedy ass piece of non-working shit i destroyed it into little pieces so it will never see the light again. laying in my recycled bin all broken the fuck up.. FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU YA PIECE OF PILE OF SHIT!!!!! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY YA FUCKING BITCH!!!

oh man that felt good. i took a few hits and a couple of buttons fell out. then i really took a couple of hits then the fucking 10 or 15 of them fell the fuck out. this old ass computer man. my first pc i ever built and i guess its true that in the Universe you get what you pay for. old ass ghetto ass shit i paid about a g for it. bought a few cheap ass $6 fans and shit and one on top always be making noise like EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STFU!!!!!!!!!!!! i had to put a fucking paper clip in that bitch for it to SHUT THE FUKKKKK UP! man... i swear to GOD i will destroy... no.. i cant.. i need it.. its my baby. it really is. but that keyboard was asking for it.

funny my pc is old but its good but when i set all the settings on full in outlands on WoW omgggggg it lags like a slow ass piece of turtle shit. so bad i walk around and there are 20-30 sec freezes then the next thing i know BAM im dead. fucking shit i just lost it and i knew i could destroy that pile of piece of trifling shit cuz i just got a brand new one ordered by mail. its fucking beautiful. matches my mouse and my LCD screen. also matches my speakers all black.

ill never settle for cheap piece of shit computer parts. once i get my degree im investing a fucking megaton into a new pc believe that!!!

that felt really good.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

my Computer is my one and only Child

and probably will remain that way for the rest of my life. Without my PC im nothing. Without my PC i got nowhere to go, and no one to talk or connect to. It is real and as long as heart is pumping through my PC's electro veins i'm gonna be alright.

When i graduate and get my Bachelors i'm saving up and building my 2nd PC. I'm gonna get the latest speed, nice ram sticks, bad ass video card with an HDTV monitor. It's gonna be one bad ass power tank. I never really give a fuck about the future and what's in it because i know my life is a waste but when i think about computers that's when i want to live a little longer. I can't wait when it's 10 years from now and if i'm still alive i can't imagine how powerful computers will be. Hopefully they'll have some virtual reality so we can buy pornos and fuck the shit out of virtual bitches like there is no tomorrow. That would be great. No worries about pregnancies or getting AIDS/HIV/STDs. And i can't wait to play them virtual reality video games like we can be inside the game itself and everything would react to us like it's the real world. These are the only times when i actually care about the future.. my future at least because nothing else matters to me.

I just want to dedicate this post to a wise man who once said this quote right here...

"i remember when [my computer] gave out. i felt like somebody in my family died... shit fucked me up. i wanted to do surgery to this bitch to bring it back to life. this computer is my life. it saved me. it saves me. it will saves me."

realest shit i ever read..

Sunday, December 7, 2008

this is some serious message right here

just watched this episode of Boondocks and it was basically this guy supposedly Martin Luther King Jr. who is still alive is trying to get in the club/church/black america room. The intro is funny as hell cuz in this he was really Martin Luther King, and that white Jesus part roofllll real and heavy shit.. the speech is some serious stuff. I can see the real Martin saying this..

Friday, December 5, 2008

I got nowhere to go and nothing to do

So i just got out of my class that ended 30 mins after it started (thats 3 hours and 30 mins early) and after i walked out the classroom all i could think was "where do i go, and what do i do?" That's how it's been since high school. I remember when i first got into 9th grade in high school i'd be going through the same bullshit during lunch hours cuz i had no friends or anybody to hang out with. So every lunch break i'd just think to myself "where do i go?" So id just spend my lunch hours going to a cafeteria, eating there, and then just wandering around school alone. It was some depressing shit and it carried itself all the way to college. Seeing all these people around me living the "College life" makes me really envious like i wish i was them. I got nowhere to go and no people to see. It's like that before class, it's like that after class, and it's like that any time of any day. Same old bullshit program that's been running inside of me and i dont know how to change it. I mean like.. i seriously dont know where to go and what to do. Joining the black student union? forget that shit. i dont want it to be another youth center which is exactly what it was going to be. Everybody was there black and i was the only pale ass there all self-concious. Everybody looking at me like "who the fuck is this?" and i didn't know what to say most of the times so i was a mystery. Joining any other club? ehh.. not interested in anything else.

Waking up in the morning is some depressing shit too cuz i keep going to sleep wanting to get away from this shitty reality. That's why i always run to the bus stop every morning always late and shit. I'm a true loner. In fact, i am the loneliest loner possibly on this entire fucking college campus. And it's funny because i am not a nerd or anything, but just alone. So alone i dont even wanna bring anybody into my life cuz once i tell them the real truth about me they all leave and stay away from me. Any part of the truth i tell people about me that's personal they distance themselves so i don't say nothing to anyone. And people wondering why im so weird and quiet.

And funny how when i was seeing my last shrink i told him i'm gonna try to be closer with the 2 friends i have. One friend is really violent, and i dont feel safe around him. I was talking to him on the phone and had a difference of opinion so dude screamed at me and hung up 3 times after which i was like fuck him im not calling him back. And he still owes me a great deal of money which he said hed pay within months and it's been over a year. And this female friend i have it's like she dont give a fuck about me. I do everything for her but she dont do shit for me. I tried getting together with her cuz i wanted to see her place and she just said she needs to get her stuff together. I asked when is that and that's the last i heard of her. It's like a one way street. I helped her buy weed, paid for the movie tickets once, took her with me to get her a pipe, and she hasn't done shit for me. I mean she dont even pick up her phone or return messages. And it really confuses me cuz i havent seen her for the whole summer when she was in LA and when she came back she lost my #. So when i saw her in our school library i yelled out her name, and she got so excited came over and kept hugging me saying how much she missed me. It really felt genuine. But then after we took a bus home and i walked her to her new place she went inside and i was like... there she goes back inside her place hiding from everybody cuz everyone always trying to call her or contact her. I guess i'm just one of those people and she kinda want to be left alone. Funny she's exactly like me only i'm the opposite where no one ever calls me or tries to contact me.

Well, i got finals so i better go study. As fucked up and as lonely as my life is i gotta take care of myself and school is my #1 priority right now. I dont give a fuck about anything else even though deep inside i do. I just try not to think about it.