Just done reading Topaz blog...

man... im just done reading Trojanman's blog, stopped on August 2006. That guy is an inspiration, a real fucking inspiration. All these people on sohh fronting, talking shit, saying how much pussy they be getting, and all this other bullshit lies, pathetic. I have no respect for these hoes, none. Grown ass people like mods talking down on somebody who is going through real issues, how much of a loser you gotta be? seriously.. and then you go hide and tell fake details about your life to have e-props. fucking losers!


This got me thinking about my life and shit, makes me want to write down my own bullshit in my blog. I got so much shit to say.

I remember when i first registered on sohh, i think it was when i was going to city college. I was a miserable fuck like i am today but about 10 times worse, and i found a hip hop site to post on. It was fun as hell. It was around the time when i would post on daveyd.com but that site had less and less people, plus it was getting lame so i left. I remember i'd also post on 106kmel message board that was almost dead, only had like 20 people post on there but it was cool. There was this one guy from east oakland that would whine and bitch about life like my pathetic ass so wed just go back and forth how life sux, it was hilarious. Then id just spazz the fuck out, and at some point they closed the message board down (RIP). Ever since then i was like fuck that site and never visit their sorry ass, i dont even listen to the radio anymore anyway.

So then id post on sohh, id hide a lot of details about me and just talk about me wacking off and being a dumb ass loser. It was all true, then id tell people my real life experiences and theyd label me a wierdo. One time i was in sohh chat on aim and one guy imed me asking me "why are you so weird?" i was like wtf you talking about? he just kept repeating it "why are you so weird?". That's me, a guy who nobody could relate to. It's like that in real life and it's like that even online. Thats why im real hesitant to open up to people in real life, cuz ill just be labeled a weirdo and will be alone either way. So why not just be a quiet dude who is to himself? Its the same thing, but im more of a mystery to people rather then a weirdo. I dont know, maybe im wrong but thats how i am. Im quiet, when im not quiet and start initiating convos with strangers i feel like what other people do like diss me nonverbally really effects me, it bothers me. I feel hurt, im sensetive.

I care what people think, always have. Maybe its the way i was built. Thats one thing i realized about smoking weed, that people are all built in their own way. Weed is a trip, if you get high enough and really experience a good trip, youll realize so many things about life that you wouldnt know before. One time when i ate my first brownie it hit me, we're all the same yet we all different. Like there is a soul, and whatever body that soul occupies its gonna act according to the rules of that body. The feelings, the emotions is gonna be a mix. Sort of like how the soul itself is like (evil/good) and what the body is like and the zodiac/horoscope combo and all that shit. The rules of that body. Thats why i am the way i am, but most people dont care or too stupid to understand this shit so they look down on me or think im a weirdo. Its also life experiences or the lack of that builds us a certain way too.

This also got me thinking about my gay friend. Dude was talking about "i love you, why cant you see that?" and wanted me to fuck him. I was like what the fuck? Am i missing something here? Im not into guys why you want me to do something i dont wanna do? So hes like "it has nothing to do with being gay, its love". When he was leaving he was begging me to "make love" to him saying that if i really love him ill have sex with him. I was like....... um........ no... He got mad, started crying and shit, hes real emotional.

One thing i dont get about him is that hes a real tough dude, he grew up in a hood, guess you could say hes a guy with streets smarts who knows how to fight and knock your ass out if you start some shit... but he HATES hood shit. Its like i cant even ask him a question about street stuff because i am and always have been real interested in it. That's why i like watching the wire, but he hates it, hates it! anything that has to do with streets stuff. I was on the phone with him last week, i asked him about if he ever handled beef by fighting in groups. He was like "why are you so interested in thug shit?" and told me hell call back but never did. Hes achieving a dream, trying to be a singer/performer. I know he can do it though, dude got talent.

I remember when we were roomates hed try to help me with life and all my issues. One time we were talking and id tell him about my women problems so hed tell me to be happy. Im like how am i supposed to be happy if everything i do goes to shits? Like id go to a club and cant even get a girl who is drunk to come home with me cuz i dont know how to talk to her and get all self-conscious? He's like "be happy". But the shit is hard, its easier said then done. Thats why i have a hard time doing that stuff they talk about in The Secret. How am i supposed to feel good about having something pretending i have it when i dont?


Then i got my mom to deal with and shit. She treats me like a 12 year old. Studying CJ there is this thing i learned thats called "the labeling theory", and its basically when you treat a person like a criminal and label him bad then hell act accordingly. I think maybe thats why i act so immature sometimes, and some people think im like a kid. her treating me like that makes me not want to talk to her. Its like I dont even wanna see her sometimes cuz i know she has no clue what is going on with me and makes me feel like im alone even though shes there for me. She spoils me, and that makes me not care about anything. Like whats the point of doing something, or working for it when my mom is gonna do it for me? Maybe thats why im so careless about things, ever since day 1 my mom would do this sort of thing. But its kinda weird cuz shed spoil me and then deprive me of things at the same time. Like shed buy me some fruits every now and then and then not let me watch tv or not let me get a game that i want. So it made me get a job and work for it, but for the most part i never cared cuz shed provide me with stuff like food, money for stuff that she thinks i need, or other things.

And then i got this OBE shit that im trying to achieve but im so lazy. Its pathetic. I missed doing the last night session cuz i spend all day playing World of Warcraft. Being alone kinda drives me crazy sometimes but playing that game makes me happy inside, its like i have a purpose other then to just sit at home not doing nothing.

Seriously though, i need to get off my ass and apply for internship for my major. Im about to visit this site right now my counselor told me about, hope they accept my sorry ass. I need experience...