going to Parties is like going to War for me

i hate social events, HATE em! people gather, everybody is all smiling feeling good inside, and there is me feeling awkward not knowing what to say or how to act. this been on my mind for a really long time, and i need to write this down. I been thinking about that Black Student Union, and the girl in my class who said shell call me when they have the next event, and every time i think about it i cant stop panicking.

all of this chaos in my mind comes from 3 things: 1) me never standing up for myself, 2) moving from one culture to another, and 3) being alone for so long

• never standing up for myself - when i was a kid i used to fight, and most times i would never fight for a cause. i always had a hard time expressing my thoughts so i didnt know exactly how to verbally fight someone or verbally tell someone off, or verbally avoid a fight. i remember how my classmates would do this, one would say "hey man i bet you cant beat that guy" and i didnt wanna look like a whimp so id go "yeah i can", then theyd go over to him and talk some shit like "hey man, he just said that he can kick your ass", fight after school. id fight, hate it, feel scared inside, until next time similar situation would occur. its weird cuz people would fight me verbally and i wouldnt say nothing back, but whenever i get challenged id never turn it down, even if all i had to do was say "im not fighting that guy, i dont even know him. why dont you fight him?". Then one day i was like what am i doing? so i said "no", and since then guys wouldnt respect me and fear started increasing inside of me. But it doesnt matter because i never stood up for myself, even after all those fights i had. I just went along for the ride cuz i didnt want to look like a pussy.

• moving from one culture to another - i was 13, me and my fam moved from another part of the world to California, it was really a big culture shock for me. I had 5 friends back home, 3 girls and 2 guys, and i remember wed attend each others' parties and stuff. When i moved here though, i didnt even know what a party was until i was going to college, thats all of my high school years not even knowing what an American party looks like. I developed inferiority complex disorder, i thought all these kids born in this country are cool, and when they all get together at a party/club/whatever, thats like the scariest place for me to be.

• being alone for so long - when we moved here i was alone a lot. i had a few friends but they didnt last that long, and the only party i remember i went to was of this friend i had, all guy party, thats it! That was my social introduction to the world of parties in America when i was going to high school. Other then that i was alone, at home, id have a few friends, play video games with them, maybe go to movies, but they never really lasted and id be back home being alone. My father wasn't there, my mother was busy working 2 jobs, my uncle was in his own world, and my grandparents had no fucking clew what was going on with me. My step-grandfather (RIP) was blind to my world, the only thing he ever told me when i was complaining that high school is hard for me was "oohhh, i wish i was your age. what i wouldnt do to go back to school" i was like yeah ok, i can see that you have no clue what im going through. He was a really outgoing, extroverted, friendly guy, whod also punch you in your face if you had any problems with him. a stand up guy who knew how to live and everybody loved him because he was so friendly.

all of these experiences made me hate parties, made me hate social gatherings. and the fucked up thing about this is, if its some boring family party where its a bunch of lame elderly people sitting around talking about a whole bunch of bullshit that i completely dont care about, id show up like whatever, completely not caring and not wanting to be there. but if its a party i really really wanna go to, like a black party, id be scared as hell to attend. everybody there would be dressed to impress looking all fly, and that inferiority complex would kick in the second i mentally picture myself there. i mean by the time i get to that event, if i ever will in the future, my hands would be shaking and my mouth would be all dry. the best example for this feeling would be going to war, thats how probably a lot of those soldiers feel in Iraq. and if they dont they start to feel it after seeing a couple of bodies drop, a few people lose their limbs and shit. its intense, feels like your insides are on fire.

at this point in my life i dont know if ill ever get better. im at a point where i dont want to go to the BSU event and pray to God that that girl never calls me. on top of all that poison thats in my head, its a BLACK STUDENT UNION event, and my ass cheeks are as pale as the fucking wall. as insecure as i am at some white party, i am 100 times more insecure at a black party.

i was just watching that College Hill reunion special and thinking how some people have such nice lives its like they have fun since birth. once they grow up they start doing all the grown men/women things while people like me are unheard of because we had such different lives, its a trip. seeing that sort of thing makes me feel envious, angry inside, like "why did these people had such nice lives turn out for them, and not for me?", i get so heated just thinking about how some of those same people look down on me. like i have it easier then them, the thought of that makes me wanna get violent and beat the living crap out of all those mother fuckers. I dont know what else to say so im gonna go now.