I have more motivation then ever to start practicing the OBE

Last night i was hanging out with my female friend. What ive noticed is every time a stranger came in, my defenses and paranoia went up. I have been abused a lot through out my life, first by my mother, she used to beat me with a belt when i was a kid. Anytime i did something wrong, the door to our furniture closet would open and i could just hear the friction of belt buckles banging against each other. It was scary for me because i never knew when it would happen. If i didnt eat her food, shed give me a beating, if i cursed, beating, if i refused to do my homework, another beating. There would be moments where i wanted to watch a show on tv and shed just tell me "youll watch it later, do your homework first?" i was like wtf!? how the hell can i watch it later when its on NOW? My mother was really tough on me, and i dont know why. Till this day she denies she ever beat me, she usually starts laughing and says "only once or twice". My dad beat me too but hed hit me upside the head if i pissed him off, sometimes to the point where id start crying because it hurt so bad. Then hed deny that he beat me, hed said he doesnt beat me and only smacks me upside the head and thats different. One time we had some family party/dinner and he pretended like he was about to hit me so i ducked, then i hit a sharp corner of this wooden chair, started bleeding. I still have that scar today right next to my eye. Dude could've been responsible for me not having a left eye if i hit the chair just half an inch closer.

I have witnessed a lot of street violence and been part of some of it. Seeing fights, confrontations, having been in a few fights, have been confronted. And my only lesson on how to deal with being in a street was from my mother, she told me this "When somebody comes up to you on the street and asks you for money, give it them!!! its better to have your life". So here i was a clueless little kid with nothing but confusion about how to be a man, coming out of my house with 1 thing on my mind-VIOLENCE! Hiding money in my socks thinking some people out there may jack me, going to school thinking someone is going to challenge me, every moment id think about nothing but how when im around people, it will lead to violence, and i didnt know what to do or how to avoid it. I think in some moments violence is necessary, but in most cases it could be avoided. I never knew how to avoid it so id be nervous or paranoid a lot.

And aside from all this violence, i have been used by some people. Strangers, associates, and even close friends. I'm at a point where i dont know who to trust, my best friend could be my worst enemy and i wouldnt even know until the shit hits the fan because im so naive, inexperienced, and gullible. So i have developed this shield that separates me from the human race, and i feel all alone.

Fast forward to today, its 100 times worse. So I'm sitting there with my friend, we just blazed a few moments earlier and now sitting on the couch in the living room watching a movie. 2 people come, 1 girl is her roommate, and 1 guy her friend. The second they come in my insides start to boil, and all i can think of is bad stuff that may lead to violence. I say whats up to the dude, shake his hands and hes like "what you doing here? this is my boo right here", so im thinking "OH SHIT! ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN MY FIRST REAL CONFRONTATION IN A LONG ASS TIME" my insides boil like its a thousand degree whether. So i say "nah man its cool, we just hanging out", he goes "no its not cool, thats my boo" looking at me all serious. So im like nah man we just friends, and he goes........ "im just fucking with you man" OH SHIT! i was like daaaaaaaaaaamn, you came in here doing that i was thinking I KNOW THERE IS NOT GONNA BE SOME DRAMA UP IN HERE! He knew that we were high too, but man...... i was so paranoid, i thought this was gonna be like a battle to death, its that serious in my brain, deep down in my subconscious.

So when he was there i was just thinking about how little human contact i get. I may know 1 person that i hang with but as far as hanging out in the company of more then 1, its almost unknown to me, and when i do and if its all guys, all thats on my mind is violence and how us hanging out will lead to somebody getting violent with me. and parties???????? thats like a 5th dimension that i almost never visit. In fact, im so inexperienced in being social that whenever i do go to parties i either sit there all quietly or do weird stuff like approach people in a weird way, freak people out with my social awkwardness, so i just dont go. And after that experience last night i was thinking to myself that i HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS BODY. I dont know if i can get any better by just being inside of it with this brain thats been put through so much trauma that i feel like death is the only way for me to be free. This also reminded me of this friend i had in high school who was mentally challenged, maybe ill talk about that next time maybe not. But one thing for sure, i must take this OBE serious and follow through. I havent followed through with one thing ive started in my life, at least let this one be the first.