Forever sexually frustrated

that's how I feel right now.

I'm back on my No Fap, No Porn program. I think I blogged about this yeeaaaaaars ago. but it is really helpful this time, because I have really stuck with it. I got to a point where my dick was lifeless. NOTHING turned me on. I only got off and had erections through porn. I came like 1x per 3 weeks at least to release, but that would still be me fapping and watching porn, the most damaging thing to men and their erectile dysfunction in our age. this was me, but after No Fap since August 1st, which is almost 3 months now, I actually wake up with hard boners. I get real erections when talking to or even looking at women!! I can't believe it. I actually FEEL something in my pants, and get arousals.

I just don't know how long I'll be able to hold off. I need a release, and me not being that great with girls really makes it extremely difficult. I wanna get better but feel so alone. no friends, no wingmen, and think I need to create a 30 day program of me pushing my boundaries socially every day, until I start to actually approach and talk to women I am attracted to. otherwise, going out to the beach every once in a while to talk to strangers won't change shit. it may get me laid one day if I'm lucky and grow enough courage to start approaching girls, but in the end I'll still remain the same.

fuck life is hard. sometimes I have not even an outlet sexually. Sometimes I wish I lived in a state or a country where prostitution was legal. because my dick feels like it is going to explode some days, along with my balls.

My Date with an Indian Girl

so today, I had a date with the Indian girl I last blogged about. I thought she was gonna flake and not respond, like most of my female interactions, but she didn't. We met up at our work's cafeteria. I was really busy, and had another appointment with a user at 1pm. She wanted to meet at 12:30, so I was in a rush.

I had doubts about asking her out over the weekend. I didn't really take a good look at her, and kept wondering if she's my type. But when I got there I was like damn she's pretty! But again, I still don't know. I am a Libra and we are picky af! Anyway, I got my food already, found a seat, and told her where it is while she stood in line.

As she joined me, we chit chatted and then it happened. Me being me-inexperienced, and haven't had a date in close to 5 years (if not longer). We had awkward moments but they didn't last that long. She filled them up with movies she watched, and I filled them in with some other crap I don't remember. All in all, I don't know. I think she likes me but you can never be too sure. Girls are weird. They act interested and flake, or not call back, and all just to be nice and not make you feel rejected. Even though that is exactly what they are doing.

How do I feel about this whole thing? Like I feel about everything in my life. Ashamed. Ashamed of not having experience with women, ashamed of not being exciting and fun to be around, ashamed of revealing this side of me to her. But I can't say it was that bad. I think I am just too hard on myself. I was doing what I usually do on dates, hiding. I am afraid what people around may hear when I speak, so I don't speak loud enough. It's really bad, but I guess it comes from feeling shame about everything in my life. I used to be a lot worse, though. I would be this way ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE, WITH EVERYBODY! I have at least improved a lot when it comes to people, and improved a little bit when it comes to women where I managed to ask this girl out. 99% of the times I don't, even though there could be all these signs of interest. I am too afraid of what others around will think, and I prevent myself from living my life.

Towards the end I said "We should do this again sometimes" before leaving. She said sure. I added "outside of this place[work]"... If anything comes out of it, I'll blog about it. If not, then even better. So that I don't have to deal with this shit. I feel like I am a 16 year old stuck in a 38 year old body. Can't even imagine how bad I will be at sex, if it ever gets to that...

I asked an Indian Girl out at work...

I know, I know... after getting red-pilled, I am 100% against race-mixing. But I am not planning on having children, so I think I am good.

I did not think I was going to do this. I haven't asked a woman out in a loooooooong ass time. And frankly, I am frightened to show any woman my lonely world. Which is why I don't ask any women out. But today at work I was helping this girl out, and she is so my type. Big girl, curvy, BBW kind. I am in IT so I was setting up her laptop. There wasn't any social pressure since we were in a private room. Then I lead the conversation to eventually bringing out the part that she is from India (took me like 3x ffs). Then it was Bollywood > Padmavatti (my favorite movie of 2018) > Shiva Goddess, etc.. and from there she was very cool. Showed me I.O.I.'s and everything. She was very surprised about my knowledge of Indian culture.

I really felt the tension, and was thinking about asking her out but hesitated 2x. Then finally I ask "Would you like to have lunch sometime?" She paused for 2 seconds...... then said yes. Then before leaving, she said "yeah, email me so we can have lunch". I guess she really likes me. She is kinda short, though. I think 5'2", or even shorter. But DAMN she is thick!

I don't know. I am really afraid about race-mixing, but not like we're going to have sex next time. It may not even work out. I just hope she won't try to use me to get a green card cuz her VISA expires in 2020. Will post more details soon...

Pick-Up Journal Entry

so I am following this guy on youtube The Fearless Man. he gives lots of good advice, one of which is keep a journal. I am just sharing one event from last night here publicly.

I got really drunk. Drank 4 shots before taking Uber, and when got to the club was all buzzed. Then when I go inside... it is a gay night!! I was like... WTF!?!?! NOT AGAIN! I just remembered now that the website said "pansexual night". I googled it, but didnt really understand it correctly. I only went cuz they played House.

When I'm in I approach this group of 1 guy and 1 girl. I ask what is this? and the guy says "it's mostly bi people here. you can find some girls, but mostly it's bi guys." his friend was cute and I asked them where can I find regular clubs. she started giving me advice on clubs I already been to, and they were kinda far. she was from New York and really cute, down to earth, and talkative. she talked more than me. I offered her a drink. she said sure. then when I got drinks, I took mine, and walked off. I forgot to 1) ask her about her outfit (just realized it this morning). she was wearing some weird costume with her toes showing, and her friend was too. probably characters from a video game, and 2) ask for her number. One other thing I forgot to do was actually GIVE HER THE DRINK. I just left it at the bar. Small things like this really matter.

What I learned: I never really ask girls out. I talk, I am NOT GROUNDED AT ALL, I dont know what to say, and dont even notice things due to me not being grounded.

Goals: I will focus on these things from now. Go out, talk to girls, get their #, get dates. rinse and repeat. I just dont do the last 2 things, hence I never have any connections with girls or anything outside of a conversation. I expect some sort of magic to happen where I develop amazing game, and I sweep these women off their feet. But I need experience to do that. Plus, I watch keys to the VIP and most men simply suck and get #s doing much worse conversationally than me. So again, 1) Talk to girls, 2) get #s, 3) set dates.

Will update this later if I need to change things around, but this is it for now.

p.s. I puked in the club bathroom a little after my 5th drink, and then after taking Uber home outside of my place next to a tree REALLY BADLY. man... I woke up all fucked up with a hang over, but feel much better now.

Weird Dream about a Girl

so last night I had the weirdest dream. I am at some party or some social gathering or maybe some sort of vacation getaway? I don't remember the whole thing. Then I talk to one blonde white girl at some point, and she's not feeling me. Then I just brush her off, and she walks away. Then there is this other brunette girl (at first I thought she was Indian, but I think she was white with dark features with tanned skin. maybe Sicilian) that sits with me and falls into my arms. I start talking with her. The 1st girl notices this. After a few moments I tell her..

Me: Hey, maybe we should get something to eat. I wanna take you out sometime.
Her: Really??

and then I don't remember the rest of the convo. but then she gets up and stands in front of me a few feet away where I can have a good look at her fully (torso to face), and then she says "and you waited for me all your life" while she throws her naked arms to her sides. Then I woke up shortly.

I had 2 small cluster headaches, though. 1 at 4:19am that woke me up. It was getting worse, so I drank some water, opened my window and breathed deeply for a while. Went away after 15 mins. Went back to sleep. The second was at 6ish am, but I went back to sleep. Did the same thing, and it seemed to help. My alarm rang at 6:36am so I had some sleep. I think it was sinus, though. I felt it dripping inside my head a little.

Looks, Money, Status

some parts of this video had me laughing for a good minute. reminds me back in my PUAHate posting days. The guys there were doing these Male Model experiments, and those were the funniest threads I read in my life. Girls would reply to craziest shit the more gl the guy was. I left 6-12 months before Elliot Rogers went on his killing spree cuz it was so toxic, but I don't remember him posting there. Maybe cuz he was just another screen name to me, or he wasn't posting back then..

I hate rap but..

songs like this is why i used to listen to it

lyrics are about doing dumb shit, having fun, fucking bitches, enjoying life, beefing with niggaz, jump on cop cars, get shot up by police, dindu nuffin afterwards. same reason why i stopped listeniing to hip hop. but the flow is amazing!!!






she is good...

Steve Jabba is awesome

Pick-up is like meditation. but let's be real here. Jabba is a good looking guy. that helps a lot. looks DOES matter. anyone tells you it doesn't is full of shit...

when will I start living?

I am 37 years old, soon to be 38, and I have never lived my life. I've always just existed, like a leaf floating in mid air, going towards any direction the wind blows.

I haven't been blogging lately due to several reasons, but this is one of them. when will I start living? will I go through life until it's my time to leave being miserable and lonely? I am just tired of blogging about the same shit, complaining about the same thing. and I give up so much. I really want to to get back into pickup but feel like I cant do this alone. its so efing hard. plus i really wanna move outta Cali. people here are so passive aggresive, its like they dont wanna be talked to. but i need 2 travel first to see the rest of US but im scared.

anyway. just wanted 2 let that off my chest. its hot af today. gonna go finish exercising and shower. maybe go to the beach..

FUCK PRIDE!!

so last night I was planning on going to this upscale bar. my friend calls me and says "hey, there is this club and I read in a newspaper that they'll have a good DJ. check the site and call me." So I did and texted her that there will be multiple DJs, but it's a pride weekend and they rented the entire place (this club usually has 2 events so one club split in half). So she says let's do this! I get ready and pick her up.

We park a block away, and as we get there, LITERALLY 98% OF THE CROWD IS GAY! I WAS LIKE WTF!?!?! AM I IN A TWILIGHT ZONE? THIS ISN'T EVEN A GAY CLUB! so we wait a long ass time in line cuz I guess it was full. I tell her "let's go to a bar next door". She goes NOOOOOOOOOOO! we're almost in blah blah blah. We eventually get in, the cover is $40 EACH!! even though it says 20-30 on the website. now I know you're probably thinking, this can't get any worse, right? IT DOES! AT LEAST 60% OF THE MEN ARE HALF NAKED IN SHORTS WITH SHIRTS OFF!!

I'm like let's get drinks, so I lead her upstairs and buy 2. SHE DISAPPEARS WITHOUT TELLING ME ANYTHING. I just moved a little bit to the wall to stand on top of the stands because it was so crowded, I was spilling drinks as people were bumping into me. so I wasn't going to go chase her, looking for her all over the club. I drink mine, and eventually start to drink hers. after finishing about 35% of her drink, she shows up " I was in a bathroom!"

I chit chatted some people to warm up (NO HOMO), and eventually spot this room where they did Tarot readings and VR. I bring her in there. she reluctantly follows. I tell her WTF ELSE U GONNA DO HERE?? plus these are FREE so who cares. We waited for our reading forever, cuz it took 10-15mins for each person, and there were 4 -5 people ahead of us with only 2 readers at the desk.

After we are done with Tarot she starts complaining "let's go to another club!" I tell her "look! it's almost 2am, and by the time we get there, they'll be closed. but this place closes at 4." then as I'm waiting to try the VR mask, she just leaves.

Then I get a text from her "Ur gay". I'm like WTF!!!?!?!?! she drags me to this PRIDE BULLSHIT, it ends up being nothing but homos, I pay for entrance and drinks, spending $120, AND NOW SHE IS CALLING ME GAY!??!?!? I tell her LOOK, I wasn't even going to come here, and only came because of u. I pay for everything, you leave me here, and now you insult me. that's fuked up. she texts me "come over". I tell her no. I'm gonna stay here a little more. I was a little tipsy with 3.5 drinks in my system, so I wanted to sober up a little before I drove home. I only met 2 girls that SEEMED they were straight. everybody else were lesbians (mostly couples.) some smelled really bad of sweat. I was one of the only straight looking guys there with normal going out clothes.

SO FUCK PRIDE! I learned that when I see the word "Pride" in an event, to steer clear of it. I mean I did meet a cool photographer, and chit chatted with some nice people, but overall this was NOT worth it. THE worst experience of 2017 going out so far.

I am going out to that upscale bar tonight. and if it turns out to be like this, I'll simply leave. At least it's free, unless they throw a special event for a party like they did last weekend. Will do some warm ups and approach some girls. I'm serious about improving my social skills, and life. It will just take a long time. But I don't care. I'm committed.

And in case you are wondering what that place looked here. here you go...

a Girl Asked me out...

this just happened a few hours ago. I am a floating tech going building to building working with computers, and I was helping this new girl a few months back. So today I ended up in her building again cus I get sent there a lot. She's always been nice to me, and recognizes me, which is strange cuz most women in the corporate world environment are different and aloof. so today I see her in an elevator, and I say hello. she asks me some computer question and we just chit chatted. then as we get off I ask her where she's going for lunch. she says here to get something real quick. and then she goes "we should have lunch sometime so you can teach me about IT stuff". I said sure but since we were walking separate ways and she got me so off guard (this never happened before in my life!), I didn't know what to do. I thought about giving her my #, but we just parted ways with her going left and me going straight. not sure where this is going to go, and since I got red-pilled I am 100% against race-mixing (she looks Japanese and you know how Asians love white guys). but I don't want kids; still it could happen. either way. I'll post the update here if anything comes out of it.

Tom Torero-the best Pick-Up teacher I found

after meeting all the disgusting douchbags like Tyler Durden and his RSD crew, I have been turned off by most of the "PUAs" in the community and took a long break. I really want to get back into pick-up, but finding an instructor that matches your style is no easy task. So far, this is the best guy I found, even though I haven't seen him in-field yet. but if you can find a better teacher, let me know.

I am doing a lot of studying, getting back into reading books, and setting goals. And once I'm ready, I'm going to start doing Pick-up. I don't want to be a miserable and lonely old man thinking about what I could've done in life. And if I let life pass me by, I may just end up that way...