my first Ayahuasca experience

I have been wanting to drink ayahuasca for years. but after seeing Metamorphosis, I didn't want to go near that brew with a 10 feet pole. It was hands down the scariest documentary I have ever seen. and believe me, I have seen them all. It was like watching the Exorcist happen in real life. that film completely made me abandon and forget this tea for over a year. I had so much fear just thinking about sipping a cup, it was like my 2012 doomsday scenario all over again.

The hardest part of the experience was the waiting time after singing up for the ceremony, and the counting down of days to the last minute of me drinking that first cup. It was as if time slowed down, and I was being tortured by my own ego with fear and paranoia. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and then being frightened to go back to sleep, thinking about how my first experience was going to be. The entire reason why I really wanted to do this, was because I needed healing. I felt like I needed to suck it up, and go through with it. Because if I didn't, I may be fucked up for the rest of my life. And my entire goal in life, is to grow as much as possible before I leave this place.

I drove quiet a bit to get to the location, and once there I was the scariest person in the room. There was only one other person at the circle who was drinking it for the first time-a lady a little older than me. Everyone else seemed calm, including the lady herself, and relaxed. I was talking about my fears and concerns with everyone I met. What really made me just a tiny bit less scared, was the fact that this wasn't a traditional Peruvian ceremony-which is done in the dark. it was a Brazilian circle instead, with lights on and constant singing. I am very sensitive and was really freaking out by all the crazy visuals I may have been experiencing. That was my biggest fear-going to hell and stuff like that.

1st Night

One guy was assigned to me to be my guide, just in case I get freaked out. And I was freaking out quiet a bit. I was actually quiet calm until it was time to drink the first cup. Then I was getting more and more scared. When it came time to actually drink it, I was frozen, scared like a little girl. I asked for half a cup, and even then it took me about 5 minutes to drink the entire thing, sipping little by little. The taste was bitter and unpleasant, but not as awful as all those people described when going to Peru. I didn't feel anything until I drank the 2nd cup an hour later. 30 mins into the 2nd cup, it really hit me. My first thoughts were "I will never do this again". I felt this sudden rush with ayahuasca going from my hands to my head, until I started to get really woozy and drunk.

I wanted to throw up right away, but it was really hard so could not. I started to moan while suffering. I laid down and started seeing a dark field, with green molecules everywhere with eyes closed. Got really scared of seeing freaky things, and opened eyes. I did not witness anything after that, as we were in a circle singing songs with bright lights on. It was impossible to have visualizations with bright lights, even with my eyes closed. Part of the reason was because I did not purge. The 3rd glass was only half full (not by choice), and I didn't feel much. Music at the end was too loud; impossible to sleep or relax.


2nd Night

The second night was way easier to experience ayahuasca, as I didn't have as much fear but was a little nervous. I realized that I was freaking out for no reason. My fear was of all the crazy stuff I thought would happen to me, but none of it ever did. I just did what my guide, who was absent this time around, told me-"whatever you experience, go through with it."

I was nervous and afraid a little, but drank my first cup without a problem straight away. About 30 minutes later, I could feel ayahuasca flow through my arms, body, and brain. A little further into the ceremony, I got drunk on this vine; it was hard to focus on singing or even seeing and reading the lyrics. I laid down & eventually left the room to get away from everybody and especially lights.

I vaguely saw patterns, but no memorable visualizations. I didn't want to purge at all this time, but cried a little while was in the room with everyone. I gotta say that on ayahuasca, time doesn't exist. At some point, I got lost in the inner world; was laying there for 40 minutes or so without realizing about my body. I was going back and forth like this, escaping into myself having no clue on where exactly I was upon coming back into my body. Just laying there on the couch, with pain and suffering escaping me with each breath I exhaled.

I received the biggest dose on my 3rd cup, and at some point my vision got blurry when I left the room to lay on the couch with dimmed lights. It was hard to see, so I closed my eyes and was just trying to have visuals. But they never came. Once ayahuasca gets into your blood stream, and into your brain, you get intoxicated, and it becomes really hard to focus. All you want to do is lay down.


Ayahuasca was definitely not what I expected. The best way I could describe it, is a warm blanket. It feels hard at times, but cozy in the end. I did not go very deep, but feel like I really needed this. I asked the brew to go easy on me, and it did. A month later, I felt like it cleansed my brain of all the chaos. I was feeling a little crazy at around the summer, like I was on the verge of going insane. Ayahuasca took that away from me completely. After this ceremony, I now understand why Shamans in the Amazon drink it in the dark. It's not because of how some may think that the Shamanic world is "dark" and "evil". But it's mostly because in complete darkness, you could go far more deeper into the experience, and into yourself. I just wish the people at this Brazilian ceremony explained some things to me, like to close your eyes and try to visualize and then hold onto your visualizations. Because if you don't, you won't have any, which was my case. It was as if you were on your own, unless you got assigned a helper like in my case. But it was good for my first time, and I am proud of myself for facing my biggest fears, doing exactly what I wanted to do.

The Most Dangerous Ideology

This is what people don't understand. Under Islam, there is no separation from State and Church like in our free nations. In Islam, the State and religion are one and the same. But to go even deeper, Islam is not even a religion. Islam is a political system DISGUISED as a religion. The left has this naive view that we should all

And I'm all for that. I used to be like that myself, very accepting of all people, races, religions, etc.. But there are some people out there that WANT YOU DEAD, because you don't belong to the same group as them, or you are of a group that they hate. Communism, Nazism, I even remember reading about Hitler's view of his pure "Aerean race" theory, and now we have ISLAMISM. I just sort of heard about Wafa Sultan just around the time I went to college. It was that famous debate she had when she just obliterated that idiot on Al Jazeera. I remembered some crazy times I had running into muslims in groups in the streets while growing up. It reminded me of what she was saying and how barbaric people turn into under Islam. But then I sort of forgot about it, and went back dealing with my issues. I was too preoccupied with them. A few years later, I wanted to go a little deeper. And I did. Then the more I learned about Islam, about Muhammad's life, Islam's history, its ignorance, its terrorism, its bigotry, its violence, and its evil, the more I realized just how asleep the world is. We in the west worry so much about polution and destroying the Amazon, when we completely forget that there are some people out there that DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE AMAZON or nature, but are out to expand their ideology, and kill you when they do, if you refuse to accept their beliefs and their god. Crazy ass world. The more I live in it, the more I realize just how small I am.

reason why I stopped trying to Astral Project

the reason why I stopped trying to have OBEs, Out-of-Body Experiences, Astral Projections, Out-of-Body Travel, and whatever you want to call it, is very simple. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH IN-BODY-EXPERIENCES!

I gotta say, all my life I have been fascinated with Astral Travel. Ever since the first time I found out about it, I was hooked. What is it? Where can I go? Can I visit other worlds, or other planets? Can I meet aliens? Can I visit my ancestors? The possibilities are endless. But the problem is, I haven't lived HERE. I spend all this time thinking and trying to go THERE.

Let's see. I am 35, I have almost no friends, I just lost my virginity, I still live at home with my mom, I don't have a career, I do drive and have a car so that's a good thing, I don't have a girlfriend, I have so-so social skills, I don't know how to make enough money to move out on my own and get my own place. And after all of that, I am trying to escape this reality? Sounds like I am just running away from myself and my circumstances. Now, all of these things I am dealing with are changeable and doable. BUT I HAVE TO LIVE HERE IN THIS REALITY!!! I can't accomplish any of these goals I want to if I spend all my energy studying how to go out 'there' instead of learning how to be 'here.' This is why I stopped trying to have OBEs. Ironically, though, I still have them from time to time. I am half way of reading my latest OBE book, and I haven't touched it in months.

The thing with Astral Projection is, once you have one, you will always have them. you could have Lucid Dreams, or even regular dreams, but once you have an actual Out-of-Body experience, which is quiet different, you will keep having them. Whether you'd have one every week or every month, that all depends. But you will have them. Ironically, I had one last night without even trying. The thing, naps are crucial. And I tend to have an OBE when I take a nap during the day, and fall asleep a few hours later.

But yeah, as I said already. I am focusing my consciousness in THIS reality from now on. I have so many things I need to learn as you could already tell. It's impossible to attain all these needs and desires, if you spend all your time trying to learn what it's like to be in the spirit world. Robert Monroe had his first OBE when he was 43, and correct me if I'm wrong, he already had a house, a wife, and was a successful businessman. Now, if I had my life put together like that, HELL YES I WOULD TRY TO OBE! I would try to OBE every night. But I can't be putting all my energy into this, when my life here on earth, in the 3 dimensional space, is out of order. I spend more time trying to leave my body, then to learn how to be in it and find ways to make money. I need money. I really do. At this point in my life, I never thought I would ever care about money. I always knew that money isn't everything, and that money can't buy real friends or real love. But boy is money important in our world. How am I going to survive without money if I want to move out on my own?

And without money, how am I going to travel? I want to travel. I want to visit other states. I want to make friends. I want to explore THIS world. I want to learn Portuguese real well and travel to Brazil at some point. I want to visit the Amazon. I want to go to Thailand. I want to visit New York, which has been a dream of mine for so long, I almost feel like it will just be that, a dream. So many things I want to do on this planet, that I waste all my time trying to not be here. I understand I am miserable and not happy, but I can change all that. I know I can. But it won't happen if all I do is spend my free time trying to leave this reality, when I never perfected it. Once I perfect it, then I'll have an excuse to learn lessons in the Astral World. Until then, I need to find how to learn my lesson in this one. After all, that's why we are all here, to learn the lessons we came here to learn.

Strange Dream about Snakes

so I haven't been journaling my dreams lately, and am very sorry for it. Because a lot of the time I forget parts of my dreams the next day, and even after a few hours upon wakening. Even though my dream recall is really good, I still need to get back into journaling all my dreams.

Last night I had a strange dream about snakes. It began with me hanging out with this girl who had an Anaconda, which had a very thick body the farther it got from its head. It was a very friendly snake, and I didn't get any sort of evil or negative energy coming from it. It was very hungry, so my friend showed me a white rat she brought for the snake. As I look back at the snake, it had its tail in its mouth. The snake was so hungry, it started eating its own tail! As my friend got out the white rat and hung it lose by its tail, the Anaconda right away started to regurgitating its tail slowly, and once it was done, it sprung towards the rat and swallowed it. Afterwards, the snake got really playful and started playing with us by hiding underneath this huge black blanket. Then all of the sudden, the scene changed. It went from me hanging out with my female friend I never met who had a snake, to me being in the Amazon, in Peru. I am standing outside with these short palm looking trees. Beside me is an American white man who is about 55ish or 60 years old with white greyed out hair, which was medium long. He seems to know a lot about the jungle (my guide?). He is telling me about how "the Amazon jungle is amazing, but you have to be careful because you will get bitten by snakes. One boy was bitten and started getting swallowed by 2 snakes from each side." I was very careful where I was standing, and I think he even directed me to switch locations and stand elsewhere.

After that, the dream ended shortly. I looked some of this up, but still not sure what it means.

when will the Abuse of the Indigenous People end?

 it really makes me sad and angry seeing this sort of abuse STILL happen today. It's almost as if the rapings, and the killings wasn't enough when the Americas were colonized. But the government time and time again finds ways to fuck with the natives. The illegal oil drilling in Ecuador WITHOUT the consent of the natives that live there, the dam being built in Panama, and now the dam being built in Brazil. Every time this happens, the only people that suffer and are misplaced from their homes and their environment, in which they live in harmony not hurting anyone, are the indigenous people. And the only thing people can say is 'it's better to power 50,000 people, than to have 500 live on a land where a dam could be'. When these same misplaced families will most likely be working all day, every day, in jobs that NO ONE wants, for shit pay, living in large families cramped up in small apartments just to survive in our world they know nothing about.

I have a hard time getting a full time job with benefits that will help me get my own place, and I have a college degree. What type of job, or survival skills could these natives get when they are pushed out of their home jungles, and into big cities? I don't even want to think about it.

Our governments do nothing but lie, cheat, and pollute the land we live on by drilling oil, and dumping left over chemicals in rivers. Which poison fish, which we eventually consume. That's not to mention all the pollution that is released from driving our cars in cities across the world. And what makes me even more mad, is how so many ignorant fucks talk about 'these natives are backwards, and are primitive'. When WE are the primitive men who are KILLING ourselves, and the natives in the process. A bunch of cave monkeys we are, thinking we know anything because we got iPhones and telescopes, always looking to MAXIMIZE profit to squeeze that dollar out of every tree we cut down and every animal we raise, only to slaughter it and treat it like property. And don't get me started on all the illegal poaching of animals, some of which are already extinct.

living in this society makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. I live around a bunch of young people who all they want is to have fun at other peoples expense. Fucking parasites. Reminds me of that scene from The Beach, when Leanardo De Caprio realized that most humans are leeches. Realest scene in the movie.