Sunday, September 20, 2015

I need to Get Out of Here

I need to leave this room sometimes. I feel like I am in a solitary confinement.

I am not sure what is happening with my friend. last time I heard from her she was like nice knowing you. but i told her she treats me like shit, and I didn't hear back. maybe she really saw how she just treats me like a fucking driver/ATM/personal assistant. so that situation is on hold right now. I thought she'd block me on social sites, something she usually does with people she crossed wrong paths with, but she didn't.

anyway, I never really talk about my personal stuff on here anymore. I know some people who visit my blog periodically are wondering why I have such a drastic change in my blog lately. I just got tired of living out there in the Astral World. I want to learn how to live HERE, and NOW. I want to know what is going on in THIS world. I need MONEY! I don't have shit. And I want to know what is going on as well. So, I am simply searching for the truth in other places. I want to get involved in living this life, and participating in all its dramas. I am tired of existing, watching life pass me by. This is why I got curious about all these things I am bringing to the surface.

But anyway, I need to get out sometimes to keep my sanity. But I hold myself back every time. I am planning on going out literally EVERY WEEK for the past, I don't know, month? I never do. At first I say, okay if I nap I'll go out. I nap, and then just slack around not preparing and going out there. I know my PTSD gets pretty up there, but some days when I get out there, and be around people, I calm down. Get a bear or two, and let lose. But those days never happen. I do my martial arts every day, but mentally I am fucked up. So I am like a little cat every time I leave this room. But I need to walk or something. I put my ayahuasca journey on hold. I don't think I'm ready for that. It's way too intense, and I could really get freaked out. I am very easily scared, and maybe this is not for me at least FOR NOW. I will eventually get there, but I need stability, independence. Maybe it will help me? I don't know. But I feel like I need skills, but nothing to push me to get them. That's why I wanted to drink the brew in the first place. I need motivation, and a life change outlook, but I sit here in my room, letting my fears hold me back from meeting new people, and getting through life.

All this stuff I am learning with Europe crisis and wars, and the poison of religion, etc.. is great. But I got a crisis of my own, and don't seem to pull myself out of this hell hole. I have done constellation workshop, some self-improvement workshops, PUA workshops, did a few hundred cold approaches in day game, but seem to be still stuck somewhere. I only had my own place once, and then I came right back living with my mom. Now my uncle is staying with us because his apartment is being remodeled. At least I talk to him sometimes daily. If it wasn't for that, I'd be in my fucking room watching youtube, checking news, email 20x a day, whether or not someones e-mails me, and try to sleep, which I am almost never successful but weed sure helps me that.

I don't know what  to do. I need money, but I don't have any skill. I am in IT world, but I am a rookie. Some guys have 15+ years of IT experience, and I see them posting on cl bragging, yet looking for jobs. I can really see why people apply to any and all jobs when they're jobless. sticking in one field is a death sentence, will put you out on the street. fuck! I just wish getting money was easier.

I try to do that LOA shit, but I never stick with it. my laziness gets the best of me. How many fucking months I gotta visualize daily, and then what for if I don't take any action? visualizing alone won't make shit happen. I need to get out there and do something daily. But I don't know, lately I been learning some Adobe products, like Photoshop. I am thinking maybe that will help me make some money. But there are so many people who know the basics of PS, it gets me fucked up. everybody has a cam now. you can buy a point and shoot cam 4k for like $600.

I just talked to a "friend" who is a photographer, my old co-worker, and he said many non-pros over-saturate the photography business because they all charge a lot less, and make it impossible for pros. huh... but I am not a pro. so maybe that is what I should do! we'll see. I just don't know the social media aspect of it. I don't wanna put myself out there like that, with my personal pics and how I dress, and where I hang out, etc.. some people don't care. but I am a private person. I googled myself and found my face. scared the shit outta me. that was the last day I had my pic on facebook. I fucking hate that site. it's fake as fuck! should be called fakebook. everybody there is happy, clubbing, getting laid, i hate it!!! but anyway... i'm gonna go now. tired of typing.

I need a community, that's what I think. I am gonna see if I could volunteer more. I like going to a cat shelter, but I am there socializing with cats! haven't done it in a while, but I need to find a place where I socialize with real people! cats could only get you so far...


Anonymous said...

How about living in the mountains someplace & not bothering anybody

You're a very unlikable person

Sp said...

no one is forcing you to visit my blog.

feel free to leave, and never come back.

Paz said...

think you should take a risk and move to somewhere else outside of california like texas or new york. obviously, where you're at ain't for you. you do need money but think it's worth a gamble to see how the job market is at other places then moving on from there.