so today I get an email from my homeboy Topaz and i felt like making this.
truth is, I no longer blog for the most part. it takes too much work and I have tendinitis. So, typing for long periods fuck up my hands. I did however went back to taking Kung Fu 3-4x per week. So, I been healing my hands with it and doing much better. Thank god my sifu is still alive. he's 79 and still NO ONE could beat him.
I do audio journaling on my phone now. it helps me a ton. long story short. I did Summer Camp with Dan/Badboy
it helped me a little, but it was the hardest thing I ever done in my life. it was much harder than i imagined it to be. i was so overwhelmed with approaching girls, i felt like a bomb that wanted to explode. i thought i was gonna lose my mind. had a total of 3 dates-2 instadates and 1 actual date. and that's it. a few guys got laid a few times. most guys didn't have much success tho.
long story short. there was this photographer there (part of instructors crew) named Helena, and we clicked. she told me about how Marlon Brando did audio tapes/journaling. I was like wtf is this? So, I tried it and it really helps me.
I am an only child so most of my day I don't talk to anyone. I keep everything that goes on in my life, work or outside on inside. and when I get it out in a blog like this, it takes too long and it fucks up my hands. audio journaling really helps me to get it out IMMEDIATELY, and it helps me to do social warm ups, as well as with self-expression. i still have a hard time getting laid and with women but at least I got the structure. that's one thing I love about Badboy, structure. and Croatia was amazing, along with its people. I felt like Croatians were these super evolved aliens who have ascended beyond space and time and who are so friendly, and good. unlike any people i ever met. and I'm from Eastern Europe so i understood them completely. because they appear cold and distant at first-never smile. but when you talk to them, they are so warm. it was like visiting another planet.
anyway, i went out yesterday-Sunday after drinking 4 shots of vodka and 'trying' to talk to girls. no approaches and i thought wth... let's celebrate. then went to a strip club. on NO FAP for 1 year 1 month and sexually frustrated but i know how to control it. long story short, i met this 10/10 black girl there and she was so my type. omg... not gonna go into details but she was so different than any stripper i ever met. i'm thinking of just coming back there once per month when i go out drinking and visiting her. who cares if it's fake. at least i get to feel good being around her. i'm miserable all the fucking time. may as well enjoy my company with her. fucking strip clubs.. nothing but dicktease and blueballs at end of the night. but that's life i guess. at least this girl was warm and flirty with me. most of them are just cold and ask for money right away, or flirty and do the same.
i think that's it for now. don't feel like 40, but more like 25. i grew a little but feel like i refuse to approach girls on my own and scared to get my feet dirty. miserable and lonely. but what else is new? at least i got 1 year of Kung Fu now and feel stronger, and more grounded. i wanna become a Master. that's my life dream. one day... gotta go train now. a little late but had to blog real quick. it was either now or never.
Showing posts with label Blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blog. Show all posts
Monday, September 30, 2019
Sunday, September 20, 2015
I need to Get Out of Here
I need to leave this room sometimes. I feel like I am in a solitary confinement.
I am not sure what is happening with my friend. last time I heard from her she was like nice knowing you. but i told her she treats me like shit, and I didn't hear back. maybe she really saw how she just treats me like a fucking driver/ATM/personal assistant. so that situation is on hold right now. I thought she'd block me on social sites, something she usually does with people she crossed wrong paths with, but she didn't.
anyway, I never really talk about my personal stuff on here anymore. I know some people who visit my blog periodically are wondering why I have such a drastic change in my blog lately. I just got tired of living out there in the Astral World. I want to learn how to live HERE, and NOW. I want to know what is going on in THIS world. I need MONEY! I don't have shit. And I want to know what is going on as well. So, I am simply searching for the truth in other places. I want to get involved in living this life, and participating in all its dramas. I am tired of existing, watching life pass me by. This is why I got curious about all these things I am bringing to the surface.
But anyway, I need to get out sometimes to keep my sanity. But I hold myself back every time. I am planning on going out literally EVERY WEEK for the past, I don't know, month? I never do. At first I say, okay if I nap I'll go out. I nap, and then just slack around not preparing and going out there. I know my PTSD gets pretty up there, but some days when I get out there, and be around people, I calm down. Get a bear or two, and let lose. But those days never happen. I do my martial arts every day, but mentally I am fucked up. So I am like a little cat every time I leave this room. But I need to walk or something. I put my ayahuasca journey on hold. I don't think I'm ready for that. It's way too intense, and I could really get freaked out. I am very easily scared, and maybe this is not for me at least FOR NOW. I will eventually get there, but I need stability, independence. Maybe it will help me? I don't know. But I feel like I need skills, but nothing to push me to get them. That's why I wanted to drink the brew in the first place. I need motivation, and a life change outlook, but I sit here in my room, letting my fears hold me back from meeting new people, and getting through life.
All this stuff I am learning with Europe crisis and wars, and the poison of religion, etc.. is great. But I got a crisis of my own, and don't seem to pull myself out of this hell hole. I have done constellation workshop, some self-improvement workshops, PUA workshops, did a few hundred cold approaches in day game, but seem to be still stuck somewhere. I only had my own place once, and then I came right back living with my mom. Now my uncle is staying with us because his apartment is being remodeled. At least I talk to him sometimes daily. If it wasn't for that, I'd be in my fucking room watching youtube, checking news, email 20x a day, whether or not someones e-mails me, and try to sleep, which I am almost never successful but weed sure helps me that.
I don't know what to do. I need money, but I don't have any skill. I am in IT world, but I am a rookie. Some guys have 15+ years of IT experience, and I see them posting on cl bragging, yet looking for jobs. I can really see why people apply to any and all jobs when they're jobless. sticking in one field is a death sentence, will put you out on the street. fuck! I just wish getting money was easier.
I try to do that LOA shit, but I never stick with it. my laziness gets the best of me. How many fucking months I gotta visualize daily, and then what for if I don't take any action? visualizing alone won't make shit happen. I need to get out there and do something daily. But I don't know, lately I been learning some Adobe products, like Photoshop. I am thinking maybe that will help me make some money. But there are so many people who know the basics of PS, it gets me fucked up. everybody has a cam now. you can buy a point and shoot cam 4k for like $600.
I just talked to a "friend" who is a photographer, my old co-worker, and he said many non-pros over-saturate the photography business because they all charge a lot less, and make it impossible for pros. huh... but I am not a pro. so maybe that is what I should do! we'll see. I just don't know the social media aspect of it. I don't wanna put myself out there like that, with my personal pics and how I dress, and where I hang out, etc.. some people don't care. but I am a private person. I googled myself and found my face. scared the shit outta me. that was the last day I had my pic on facebook. I fucking hate that site. it's fake as fuck! should be called fakebook. everybody there is happy, clubbing, getting laid, i hate it!!! but anyway... i'm gonna go now. tired of typing.
I need a community, that's what I think. I am gonna see if I could volunteer more. I like going to a cat shelter, but I am there socializing with cats! haven't done it in a while, but I need to find a place where I socialize with real people! cats could only get you so far...
I am not sure what is happening with my friend. last time I heard from her she was like nice knowing you. but i told her she treats me like shit, and I didn't hear back. maybe she really saw how she just treats me like a fucking driver/ATM/personal assistant. so that situation is on hold right now. I thought she'd block me on social sites, something she usually does with people she crossed wrong paths with, but she didn't.
anyway, I never really talk about my personal stuff on here anymore. I know some people who visit my blog periodically are wondering why I have such a drastic change in my blog lately. I just got tired of living out there in the Astral World. I want to learn how to live HERE, and NOW. I want to know what is going on in THIS world. I need MONEY! I don't have shit. And I want to know what is going on as well. So, I am simply searching for the truth in other places. I want to get involved in living this life, and participating in all its dramas. I am tired of existing, watching life pass me by. This is why I got curious about all these things I am bringing to the surface.
But anyway, I need to get out sometimes to keep my sanity. But I hold myself back every time. I am planning on going out literally EVERY WEEK for the past, I don't know, month? I never do. At first I say, okay if I nap I'll go out. I nap, and then just slack around not preparing and going out there. I know my PTSD gets pretty up there, but some days when I get out there, and be around people, I calm down. Get a bear or two, and let lose. But those days never happen. I do my martial arts every day, but mentally I am fucked up. So I am like a little cat every time I leave this room. But I need to walk or something. I put my ayahuasca journey on hold. I don't think I'm ready for that. It's way too intense, and I could really get freaked out. I am very easily scared, and maybe this is not for me at least FOR NOW. I will eventually get there, but I need stability, independence. Maybe it will help me? I don't know. But I feel like I need skills, but nothing to push me to get them. That's why I wanted to drink the brew in the first place. I need motivation, and a life change outlook, but I sit here in my room, letting my fears hold me back from meeting new people, and getting through life.
All this stuff I am learning with Europe crisis and wars, and the poison of religion, etc.. is great. But I got a crisis of my own, and don't seem to pull myself out of this hell hole. I have done constellation workshop, some self-improvement workshops, PUA workshops, did a few hundred cold approaches in day game, but seem to be still stuck somewhere. I only had my own place once, and then I came right back living with my mom. Now my uncle is staying with us because his apartment is being remodeled. At least I talk to him sometimes daily. If it wasn't for that, I'd be in my fucking room watching youtube, checking news, email 20x a day, whether or not someones e-mails me, and try to sleep, which I am almost never successful but weed sure helps me that.
I don't know what to do. I need money, but I don't have any skill. I am in IT world, but I am a rookie. Some guys have 15+ years of IT experience, and I see them posting on cl bragging, yet looking for jobs. I can really see why people apply to any and all jobs when they're jobless. sticking in one field is a death sentence, will put you out on the street. fuck! I just wish getting money was easier.
I try to do that LOA shit, but I never stick with it. my laziness gets the best of me. How many fucking months I gotta visualize daily, and then what for if I don't take any action? visualizing alone won't make shit happen. I need to get out there and do something daily. But I don't know, lately I been learning some Adobe products, like Photoshop. I am thinking maybe that will help me make some money. But there are so many people who know the basics of PS, it gets me fucked up. everybody has a cam now. you can buy a point and shoot cam 4k for like $600.
I just talked to a "friend" who is a photographer, my old co-worker, and he said many non-pros over-saturate the photography business because they all charge a lot less, and make it impossible for pros. huh... but I am not a pro. so maybe that is what I should do! we'll see. I just don't know the social media aspect of it. I don't wanna put myself out there like that, with my personal pics and how I dress, and where I hang out, etc.. some people don't care. but I am a private person. I googled myself and found my face. scared the shit outta me. that was the last day I had my pic on facebook. I fucking hate that site. it's fake as fuck! should be called fakebook. everybody there is happy, clubbing, getting laid, i hate it!!! but anyway... i'm gonna go now. tired of typing.
I need a community, that's what I think. I am gonna see if I could volunteer more. I like going to a cat shelter, but I am there socializing with cats! haven't done it in a while, but I need to find a place where I socialize with real people! cats could only get you so far...
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