I protect women from myself

i turn on the news and so much craziness is happening right now. all the violence in the Middle East. the fucking savages wouldn't rest until Israel is nuked 10 times. the world we live in is truly disgusting. and even though i really don't have it bad compared to all that i got something i wanna get off my chest.

long story short. girl at my internship likes me, she gives me signals, i never send signals back because sending out messages into the universe that reveals my feelings is THE SCARIEST SHIT FOR ME IN THIS WORLD! girl keeps approaching me and talking to me, i talk back. i dodge her and try not to appear there the last minute when we all leave. girl gets tired of all this bullshit and calls it quits.

the last part happened today if i'm not completely mistaken. 1) she wasn't there, 2) she wasn't at the info desk with me when she's scheduled to be there, 3) i saw her leave from a previous department she worked in and she probably transferred back and didn't even say hi when i wasn't looking.

but... despite all this depressing stuff... this is good. how? well, it was just my way of protecting her from me. i protect women from myself and why wouldn't i? i am 29, i live with my mama, i got no self esteem, no confidence, i never had a girl, i have a lot of hate and heavy emotional negative feelings towards women, i dont understand life, i don't understand women, i don't have any friends, i am lonely, i am socially awkward, i am scared of life, i am scared of people, i am a scary person. and there is a lot more. so when i ask myself "if i were a woman, would i want to be with someone like me?" and the answer is HELL NO! seriously speaking.. nobody would want a guy like me. i am a little boy stuck inside a man's body. and the older i get without experiencing anything in life, the more awkward it gets because when it comes time talking to people i have nothing to say. i mean i could've gotten with her and had sex but when? where? how? it's like i'm leading a woman into a blind path that i don't even know myself where it leads.

but it's over i hope. i feel sort of down but i guess i'm destined to sacrifice myself for other people. i push people away from me like this because deep down in my heart i feel that sooner or later when they find out the truth about me they'll leave me. so why not just do them a favor and save them the trouble? i am gonna do what they'd do eventually, and that is make them leave me before they leave me themselves.

right now though i kinda feel motivated to get my ass and look for a job. because i do believe living at home and not working is a big problem for somebody my age.