rant

i gotta say, at this rate that im moving im having doubts id be able to accomplish this OBE or anything in life. im so lazy, i have no motivation, i start things and never finish them, i always hit a brick wall and feel like i cant get past it, i get depressed and nothing matters even the things i really really want in life. i say fuck this and fuck that, give up, then start over again. i repeat the same pattern over and over again and then i complain that my life sux and never goes anywhere. i do this in school with studying and getting good grades, i do this with women, i do this in anything i do and i dont know how to stop. people give me advice and i listen, but then i go and do the same bullshit routine over and over again. i do things the same way i always have and im tired cuz i dont understand why i keep doing them. i can just sit there on the internet for over an hour doing absolutely nothing, then the last minute id try to listen to the tape when im almost falling asleep in the middle of it. wake up late all groggy and shit and complain to everyone that i havent gotten any sleep. i feel like something inside of me is empty, so i try filling the emptiness with this leisure time i spend on the internet attempting to have fun browsing different sites or sohh. but then i realize its not fun, its bullshit and a waste of life, yet i realize i have nothing else to do so i keep surfing the net.

i can be sitting in the library doing "homework" when im all doing is surfing the web and wasting time until im exhausted. then i do homework for like 30 minutes and go home because im so tired. and going home to do homework is suicide, it never happens! i dont know what to do.