i finally decided not to do my obe tonight and get some sleep and the irony is that I CANT SLEEP! been laying in this piece of shit bed for an hour crying and shit. i am not even gonna lie i am real lonely, so lonely its pathetic. i dont know why i did this but i called up my female friend cuz i was gonna invite her over this week since i have a house to myself. then she picks up telling me shes talking to her friend and that shes at his house. then shes like "ill call you after im done talking", after i hung up i was like damn... they fucking tonight. i got real depressed after that, real depressed. so depressed i had tears building up in my eyes. i am real jealous of seeing people live, it kills me deep down inside. i just keep hearing all these stories of peoples experiences, and then when i hear somebody tell me similar shit i have nothing relate to but some story i heard another person said. its really weird, instead of being like ... "yeah, i had this and i did that" im like oh yeah my friend did this and went there. i mean what the fuck!!
and im ashamed, ashamed of who i am, ashamed of how i feel, ashamed what ive become over the years, probably will be ashamed of what ill turn into next. the first time my mom caught me jerking off i was ashamed, she made me feel ashamed by telling me im gonna go insane if i keep doing it, i did it anyway feeling ashamed. i tried giving money to homeless when i was a kid my mom made me feel ashamed again, i went out to school every morning my mom taught me to give my money to street kids if i get approached, made me feel ashamed again. i dont know, if there was one word to describe how i feel all the time it would be ashamed. i do things then i look back feeling ashamed. like if i dance at a club then go home thinking about everybody watching me dance id feel ashamed, its weird. thats why i hate taking pictures.
im afraid to invite anybody into my world, thats why im not really willing to talk to women or anybody. i have no fucking world, i have no lifestyle, and people get bored of me easily. i feel like FUCK EVERYBODY almost every day. i dont wanna be bothered, im tired of opening up to people, tired of being vulnerable. the same people who teach me shit are the same taking advantage of me, its disgusting and i dont know how to tell who is who. the same person who is all cool with me could be the same one behind all the schemes and plans on getting me played. i either hate people or hate myself for not knowing how to deal with them. fuck this blog too, thats why i havent been on it and dont feel like sharing my life with anyone. im tired of ignorance, racism, idiocy, hate, drama, dumb bitches, same sluts who talk about 'im a good person' but shed fuck a bad ass mother fucker in a heart beat who kills people for a living. people are fucking retarded but sadly im part of this human race and i dont know how long im gonna be here suffering. i cant even get close enough to my own family, how fucked up is that? whatever, im fucking done. i gotta work in the morning fuck everybody and everything. i hate selfish people with passion, infact next time i see a selfish person im gonna ignore the shit outta him. dont wanna deal with that fake ass fraud ever again, smile-in-your-face-but-stab-you-in-your-back or it could be the my-word-also-dont-mean-shit type of loser. stay the fuck away from me! youre the scum of this planet i really hope you get that same treatment some day.
4 comments:
fam.... i feel ya pain yo... trill talk... everything you said except for the parts about your moms and shit. yooo.. do you get scared sometimes thinking about the future like is shit gonna stay the same forever??? nawmean.
i think about that all the time. i feel like im in this deep pit and i cant get out. nobody wants to come down there to visit me to keep me company and no one cares enough about me to help me getting out. if they do care like my fam they have no clue im even down there, they think im fine, that i just need to get a good hair cut, put on some cologne, smile, and that my life will be great. so im stuck living in that mortal kombat pit. its like being stuck in a ghetto all your life, no people outside would wanna come in and be your friend unless they on that same mentality, and no one cares enough about you to come in and help you outta that shit hole. and trying to get out takes an enormous amount of energy, work, and dedication. i think most people cant do it, and im beginning to realize i could be one of them.
well... i don't know what to tell you fam. i'm in the same shit myself. shits one of those self journey things fam. i'm waiting to go on one myself fam...
hahaha your mom caught you wacking
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