so I found a few of my old pics...

from back when I was going to college. this was about 10 years ago. it's basically pics of me sitting at my computer desk.

NOTHING has changed. I am still sitting at home nearly EVERY weekend, doing NOTHING with my life. I have no friends, I have no future plans or any sort of future prospect on life. I don't even make goals anymore and try to accomplish them. Just staying home feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how no one cares about me. no one calls me, no one even texts me. I am just here all alone without a soul in the world reaching out to me. fuck my life. how many more lifetimes will it take for me to wake up? to see that this will never change. I will never get anything out of life if I keep doing what I'm doing. it's almost as if I gave up again, as I did many times in the past.

I was helping my mom donating stuff to Goodwill today, and realized something. doing things with another person, even if it's my mom whom I don't even wanna be around most of the times, makes things pleasant. if I were to go to Goodwill by myself to donate stuff, it would have been so depressing, so lonely, so miserable. But driving there with someone, ANYONE, made it actually pretty cool.

But I can't stop thinking about them selfies from college. I had my first cell phone on my desk, my computer hiding underneath, with my monitor on top of the desk, and my miserable ass staring at the camera.

I am trying to meet someone, but internet dating is the most depressing thing I ever experienced. I get almost NO REPLIES. and I refuse to go out since 1) i don't drink, and 2) i am ashamed of my circumstance with my living situation, financial situation, and friend situation. too ashamed to put myself out there, let alone talk about these things with a new stranger. 3) i have so much FEAR every time I hit the club or any public gathering where people are out having fun, thinking someone will try to hurt me there, I can't even put it into words.

I will never change, and my life will never improve if I don't do something NOW. But i don't know why I don't. I know this, yet I don't act on it. I am like Jeffrey Dahmer who never made any decisions of his own growing up. and now that I'm all grown up, it's hard to even leave the house, go to a store, and say to self "I want to buy this today". I'm at the store, and I don't even know what I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my mom makes all the decisions for me. she buys food, groceries, fruits, sweets, etc.. it's really terrible, this life. no wonder women treat me like a serial killer. no one wants to be around this much misery and burden. they want happy, and positive folks, and I am far from that. I am 10x more positive than before, but even then, it's never enough for women.

and with trannies it's all about money. if you don't have money, forget even THINKING about dating a beautiful transsexual. that 'friend' of mine is a good example. she said "i need a rich husband, for real". no wonder she never calls me or texts me anymore. I am a mama's boy who doesn't even make enough to have his own place. she complains that "you don't ever buy anything for me", when she wants me to buy her $800 pair of shoes for her. right... I'm gonna save up my money that I make in 2 weeks, to buy you shoes. She has this Asian friend who helps her. he pays her bills sometimes, and even rent when she is short. buys her other stuff, and she is so "happy" with him. He is her "Angel". She meets him every weekend, and even calls him on the phone. I guess I gotta be loaded in order to get any sort of love from her, or most trannies.

I think I'm gonna go back to watching prison documentaries, as they are the only things that I could relate to. people just dump you in a hole, and no one in the world knows nor cares that you even exist. that's how I feel about my life. I had this therapist once who told me this terminology "a living ghost", someone who just observes life passively without ever participating in it. that's me, and always have been. My father thought that if he has a son, his life would be great and he would be happy. but what he got was a replica of himself with all of his burdens that he passed onto me. this is why I will NEVER have children. I would rather be alone all my life and miserable hating myself and the world. until I tackle my issues and get myself outta this shithole, I may as well just stick it out until I am outta here.