now in the past i have tried approaching women, talking to people. there were classes in which i introduced myself to half the people and knew almost everyone. but when the time came to have a connection with someone, it was a different story. when it was time to invite people to my party, or to an event that me and my friends have put together, i was nowhere to be seen. because i don't have parties, i dont put together events with my friends that i don't have. and the same thing goes back to women. it's bad enough i live with my mama, but i dont even know the right people in the right places to show that i'm doing alright in this world by myself. so maybe the reason why i don't wanna talk to anyone right now, or even refuse to, is because i'm afraid of people finding out all this stuff about me and then reject me.
so here are a couple of things i am going to do:
1) i'm gonna involve myself in something that will teach me about the world. i am volunteering right now for this politician who is running for the supervisor of my district. on Saturday and Sunday i was outside of a Safeway for 3 hours. Satruday was me getting signatures and yesterday it was me handing out fliers. i already learned a few things about how things work, but i want to learn more. i dont know shit about politics or how politicians get elected. if this guy actually wins this election i want to stick around and help him further along. this shit reminds me of the wire, season 4, and when i'd watch it i wouldnt know what in the fuck was going on when it would be scenes of that campaign and Carcetti was trying to run and win. now it's clicking little by little and if i stick around it will be making much more sense. and i have this internship coming up in September that will show me how the things work in court.
2) i'm gonna read more. i talked to my teacher about where i can start since i feel like a miserable failure when it comes to knowing about the world i live in. he told me to read. read, read, read, and then read some more. a lot of the times when im being social i kinda fade away and many times i forget the words i wanna say because i barely read. my brain is lazy, plus i don't exercise it so it backfires when i try to verbalize things. and i'm at a disadvantage because i don't have brothers or sisters, i don't have no one around me, and i don't talk a lot cuz mostly i'm to myself spending my time in solitude. so i'm gonna spend 2 hours a week reading something, like a newspaper. i'll just look through it and find an article i'm really interested in. then instead of watching stupid teen shows on mtv, vh1, and bet i'll start watching educational channels like the history channel, the discovery channel, news, CNN, and all that other good stuff.
so yeah, these are my plans and hopefully they help me to be a more healthy person in anything i do. then when i get a real job, and my own place, hopefully things will get better and it will be easier to function in this world (including socializing and talking to women). if this doesn't help me then shit i dont know... i guess then i'd have to live with the fact that i was destined to live my life like a miserable failure who was never good at anything. we'll see... and i have high hopes for me.
2 comments:
Your on the right track Space. That volunteering was a good idea.
you seem like a pretty smart guy, unlike Paz who's prolly gonna end up dead in a few years
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he's right, maybe except the part about me being dead in a few years.
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