i had a 2pm class as i do every MFW, and there is this fine ass mixed Puerto Rican/Asian/Black girl in it right. On wednesday i got put in a group with her and the other 2 girls. i like her so today before class i got high off 2 hits in a bathroom. and you know as i mentioned on sohh earlier i got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, its when i have a hard time controlling my fear and it just breaks free at weird moments that effect my psychological being, and i think there is some history behind these triggers but thats another story.
So right before class i was real nervous about going in, my heart is pounding, my hands shaking, fear is just running through me as im in a bathroom on the 5th floor of the building by myself. A few people come and go so i just wait till they all leave and i lit up. After this im still panacking, i know im gonna be in the class and that girl is gonna be there, its like a nightmare man. I could literally feel fear throughout every inch of my body like an electrical circus occupying every nerve that runs down my veins. Even after i lit up i still feel it and its not going away. So im like fuck it, i gotta go in cuz whether or not shes interested i gotta learn and pass this piece of shit class with a funny ass teacher. So i go in, im early, 3 seats in the back available so i choose the one in the middle just incase the seat next to me gets occupied. Im thinking damn will she sit next to me? Fear is running me like a bitch, im shacking on the inside, all i think is "what if this? what if that?", "what if she sits away from me? what if she ignores me? what if shes interested? what if she isnt? is she nice to everybody or shes nice to me because she likes me? was she shacking her foot nervously last class because she really likes me? or was it because she knows i like her and she doesnt wanna be a bitch by blowing me off? what if this what if that?" man at this point im like FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I NEED TO GO OUTSIDE! GET SOME FRESH AIR IM TIRED OF THIS NERVE WRACKING PIT OF HELL! so i go downstairs and pretend everything is ok when inside im boiling. I go back upstairs and everybody is in a group, the seats in the back are not occupied only my books are sitting on top of one chair. I get put into a group and then i just act like whatever, ask the teacher questions, talk a lil, laugh a lil, shit im thinking to myself "am i really saying all this stuff outloud or am i just thinking?" oh man, getting high sometimes could be frustrating...
so um.... im still nervous, dont know what to do or say. scared that she will reject me if i talk to her, scared that she will diss me, and im tired of rejection, all my life i get rejected and i think that is the root of my fear-rejection. the more rejection i go through the weaker i feel, like im nothing, and everytime i stick around to find out the answer is usually no, and every other time i dont it is probably yes but im unwilling to stick around because i think that its probably no. so after class i just take my book and leave nervously hoping i would see her in a hall or out somewhere.
i get high in another building of my college and go to a mall thinking of flirting but i end up not opening my mouth the entire time. A fine ass bitch was walking next to me and i didnt even say how you doing? so i went home all disappointed beating myself up like i always do. got home and got high some more, played some WoW, wacked off a few times, i do that when im depressed, and now planning to go to sleep. Dont know whats gonna happen with that girl but ill talk to my shrink about it, im too scared to find out to be honest with you. Everytime im thinking the connection is real it turns out to be nothing but a fluke, and im frightened to be having this same moment in my life over and over and over again, so i run as far and as fast as i can not looking back hoping for a miracle.
man all the people making fun of PTSD need to die, this is some serious shit, i wish i could make them feel this mental and physical hell, they'd wish they were dead. fucking bitches!
3 comments:
don't beat yourself up over that shit. shake it off. fuck worrying about being rejected.
you ever try to get away from your hood and shit??? like get away from everybody and try to think. maybe you need to get out your area for a second for like a little vacation to ease your mind off of shit.
nah, fuck vacations. ill do that when my life is all put together. i been to a "vacation" by myself to miami once. the most depressing vacation i ever had, walking around all alone and shit at south beach, taking a bus back to some piece of shit house, sleeping on hard ass brick pillows.
fuck vacations! weed is my fucking vacation. you know what ive noticed though, after the night i get high, the next morning im more laid back and relaxed. its really weird and im gonna do that shit tomorrow, get high off my ass and then go to school monday see what happens. maybe it will help me to not care, maybe it wont. but one thing i realized, and thats not to focus on the girl when im in class. just go in, say hi to other people, talk to other women, just be social. and if i see her say whats up, if not then whatever.
thats my fucking problem i focus too much on individuals and that freaks them out and makes me nervous.
quit smoking weed before social situations. Most weed makes you introverted and overly critical of yourself, and also makes you analyze what you're about to say before you say it. They call it dope for a reason. It's great when you're with close friends that don't make you feel threatened in any way, but unless you're a social master, it's going to make you timid and a pussy. Sneak off and pound a half pint of vodka if you want to have courage to talk to her. I used to smoke weed, got busted, now I don't smoke, and when stoners are around me getting too stoned, they dont say anything and I'm just like, fuckin stoners. I love weed too but theres a time and a place.
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