I made a decision today that i am not going to go.
I was really thinking about it because i haven't been to a party with people my age for eternity and i really feel alone. Not because i don't go but because a) i have no friends like her, or at least haven't had forever, b) even if i do go id just be weird by being extremely quiet and not saying anything, and c) maybe it's too late for me to try to change.
I really feel like i was meant to be alone for this lifetime. I dont know why but it's what i have to go through because why else would i be so fucking lonely for so long? The reason why i even play games like WoW is to keep my brain occupied so i dont have to sit here and think how fucked up and shitty my life is. I used to cry every day looking at my life knowing that i'm in a deep shit hole back in high school, and that was back in high school! Fast forward 10 years and i'm at the same place i was. This is why i like being alone and play these "nerd" games that a lot of social people actually play. I love them and they keep me happy for a brief moment so i dont have to look at myself and my reality.
And she said they gonna have an after party too and i should come. I'd love to come but it's like i know myself so well that i'll just be weird and NOBODY would be talking to me and i sure as hell not gonna be talking to nobody or at least know what to do at a social setting. It's at times like these i think about my dad and go "where are you now? When i go through tough times like these you're nowhere to be seen but yet you wanna do the whole 'father and son' bullshit role play". he just wanna be with me with his lonely clueless not knowing which way is up or down ass, while i remain lonely too. no thanks. i'd rather be lonely alone, away from you and everybody else. And the worst part is that i can't even drink!!! i'll have another headache from hell and will have to leave right then or there if i do. ahhhh this really suxxx.
So yeah, it's fucked up but as much as I'd love to go i just can't. Especially going to a place where people from my school may be because i been trying to change and some seen the insecured lil boy while i was trying to be the "hey, hey, hey" guy in class. Just thinking about that makes me cringe so i cant even imagine seeing a person who caught me doing that shit. I just wanna run from this place as far away as possible. This is why i said death is the ONLY thing that will set me free. That and meditation possibly, which is why i am still doing it.
6 comments:
you are one pathetic son of a b*tch
homie, as much as you get scared around people, one day you're gonna have to snap out of this mentality. i feel you with being depressed, being upset, i'm there as well. i too have issues but at your age, you're 29 going 30, you are GONNA end up with somebody pushing you to go to social events. for real... and you don't want that because it's embarrassing. i'm pretty sure you don't want to end up like the 40 year old virgin that was staying indoors all day, playing warcraft or whatever video game and eventually got his card pulled and got pushed around into just communicating with people. you are gonna have to grow some balls if you WANT to do it or just accept that that's not you and be proud of it instead of beating down on yourself. we all beat down on ourselves but you been doing it for way too long. you can't wait til 30 to actually change your life. you sure don't want to wait til 40. me and you are pretty much the same except i'm 22 going on 23 and you're 29 going on 30. i'm running out of time, you are coming down to the last seconds.
you know.. you don't even have to change who you are. if they don't like you, fuck them. you don't even have to talk to them. let them talk to you. and if they don't, fuck them. hell... i was rooting for you with the russian chick. hell... i was hoping that you would be the first one out of both of us to get laid. make me feel like catching up to you and shit. if i get laid before you or whatever then i'm gonna fly out to cali and come save you fam. for real... i always wanted to see who's the character behind spacemonkey.
i'm one to talk i know right. i went to this bullshit ass club in march where there was a bunch of my former high school classmates. younger than me. they were with their girls.. i was just holding the wall down, mean mugging. i DIDN'T like the atmosphere at all and on top of that, these bitches were all fronting hard as hell. i didn't even bother talking to them because i KNEW they wasn't even gonna hear me out. their whole attitude and demeanor said "no go". nawmean... i too said what you said before i went to the club with my brother. he was telling me to think positive but how. you know... i guess there will always be people like us but you know what... i'll be trill with you. i'm NOT gonna be a virgin forever.. if it's my way. if i die before i fuck, it's all good. fuck what they say about dying a virgin. nobody has control over death unless they're suicidal. you know... but me fuck these marks hating on you and me because we ain't like them. we unique characters that get in where we fit in but you on the other hand need to stop running from who you are as a person. ya know... stop it. no need to blame and find fronts to hide who you are. no weed, no warcraft and any shit to HIDE behind. ya know... and trill talk, if you are a depressed dude because you ain't doing x, y, and z but you have a, b, c for a personality, then you good. you don't have to be an alpha male ass motherfucker pimping hard and shit.
if you didn't show up to the club, don't hate on yourself and shit. that's what the problem with your post was. you was hating on yourself for doing something that wasn't you.
i dont smoke weed or play WoW because i wanna "hide". i do it because i like it. havent smoked weed in over a month and WoW?? please... dont act like you dont play your ps3. does that mean youre "hiding", no. you enjoy that shit just like everybody else who plays video games. the biggest pimps and players got 360, ps3, wii or play some other pc games like WoW (11.5 million subscribers please dont tell me only nerds play it).
i been a blizzard fan since Warcraft II and this has nothing to do with "hiding" or none of that other shit.
but yeah i need to work on myself but i wanna gtfo out of this city and get my own place and a job. i dont feel like i can start without this first and even guys who are still in college who got their own shit would agree with me. you cant grow by being with your mom the whole time. too many fucking problems in the house and i feel like i cant even breath in this bitch.
to be honest with you, i haven't played my ps3 in awhile because of school and shit like that. it's collecting dust. when i finish school, i be playing that shit but not so much because it takes a lot of energy.
but yeah, homie. you actually got some stuff going for you. if you can build your own computer, can actually find yourself a date (i haven't even done that yet), and can at least get yourself into shit like even find weed, then you can make it. your problem is that you want to be in the hole.
you just need to confront your demons and you'll be good dun. you can't play that loser role forever especially at your age. it may have worked for you years ago but not now.
it's all good to be yourself but don't go out like that man.
you can build your own computer too. just take a class at city college on basic computer hardware (hands on on, dont take a bullshit ass lecture one cuz it's boring. i took both). it's easy once you pass it. computer is only made up of like 5-10 parts depending on what you need...
finding a date? i just related to this girl at my internship so i asked her out. could've happened to you too. generally i dont ask women out. but yeah, there was a connection first.
find weed? im in cali bro, and i got PTSD and ADD i can tell that to any weed doctor and they'll write me a prescription. mine expired last september and i havent bought weed since then. just had 1/4th since that time and i been smoking it REAL slow little by little.
i'm in the same boat as you and even worse. i dont even got homies to chill with. i got 1 gay friend who wanna be fruity and hit on other guys in public, which i chose to not hang with cuz he got his own world. and 1 girl friend who i just made. that's it! the other friends i had including that other girl friend are gone.
all in all i just want to focus on finishing this last final tomorrow, get a job, and get money. oh and most importantly MEDITATE! and the rest should fall into place. if not then i can either improve or die. who cars im 30 already. a few more decades and this life is over.
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