Tuesday, June 24, 2008

will i always be fucked up?

when will this shit end? will i always be having these same issues till i die? am i destined to live my life in misery? shit! thinking about this makes me not wanna do anything, not wanna talk to anyone. feeling like fuck off to everybody and leave me alone. just wanna lock myself up in a room and live my life in there away from everybody.

damn. days like these is just a realization that im fucked. most times i just try not to think about it and keep my mind occupied with homework or video games. but then when i come out of that 'try-not-to-think-about-it' phase the reality hits. fuck! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i reunited with a few of my childhood friends but im afraid to even tell them my life. all of them got married and they asking me about my situation. and wtf can i tell them? their view of me being in America is like "wow, this guy is living the life." they all think i'm living that life all of them dream of living, but yet the reality is i am in the worse shape then they are. shit is just sad and depressing, and i thank you GOD that i got my weed. at least get high every weekend, if it wasnt for that what would i do? i used to cry about my life a lot, but then at some point i realized crying is not gonna solve anything so what's the point? i gotta do something but yet i don't know what. feels like im in a pit and there is no way of getting out. at least not in my situation, 28 years old still living with his mama. i don't know what to do, and i never did actually. it feels a 100 times harder to live the life i want to live when all my life i been cared for by my mother and nothing has been taught to me that has to do with living. and now my mom complains that i don't live. it pisses me off. sometimes i just wish i was naturally good at things like some people since birth. my uncle is like that. dude has no clue what is going on with me or never did. even after i told him some things he still clueless about how it's like to have fear of dumb shit and not be good at something naturally. i'm gonna call his ass probably this week. i dont know what else to say..

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Space, i was in a similar situation. i'm about the same age and just moved out last year. things are hard at times, i've had to cut all my expenses- saving gas and only driving to work, no more gym, no more internet, etc. but its still 100x better than living with your folks.

if i were you i'd try to move out asap. if you have a decent amount saved up you could probably do it right now.

SP said...

thanks man, i really appreciate it. i'd move out now but the thing is im really scared. i dont know anything about living on my own, paying bills, and just surviving and shit. and im like 1 year away from graduating and getting my degree so i feel like i'll just wait and then at least ill have something to fall back on.

moving out now could be real difficult because id have to invest my time and energy into something not even on my list. im trying to do internships and just prepare myself but instead id be working busting my ass at some dead end job. id rather just get my foot in the door and then when i move out it will be easier to get jobs ya know.

but i mean you right, things would get better. id do it if it wasnt so new to me. that and plus i have very little life experiences ya know. id rather get experience and when i get my own place it would be easier.

Paz said...

you'll make it mayne. you just gotta believe in yourself. i'm in the same shit as you BUT mayne, there's NO such thing as never though. you'll be looking back @ this shit like dayum "i really was bugging out". i can see that shit happening like a year from now.