so today was a quiz, and i studied for it like crazy. could've studied harder but i knew about 70% of the material. then i get to class and its open notes/books. so anyway i like this girl in my class and then its like if i just sit there not really paying attention to anyone or her it's whatever, im calm. but once i see her and think to myself of coming up and talking to her or even knowing that i want to talk to her i get a huge panic attack. i think its that PTSD kicks in and i feel like i'm going through that street shit all over again.
its like when i used to be the old me i had fear just like everybody else. when i knew something bad was about to happen, the fear would kick in for that split second, then the fear would rise or cool down depending on the circumstances. and then if everything went back to normal and i knew i was safe fear would leave and id be back to being calm until the next time something bad would happen. but right now i feel that fear all the time under weird situations that arent even dangerous! i am so fucking frustrated i feel like taking a gun and blowing my brains out so that i can start this life all over again or not live at all. the fucked up thing about this is that when i talk to people i make them feel uneasy cuz im nervous, or i could even be straight scared or paranoid. like when a calm person talks to everyone, everybody loves him cuz he makes them feel calm. i know that people feel and pick up on vibes, especially women. and i been at this point where i dont wanna bring this fear to anyone so i just do my own thing and dont bother socializing. but i know i want to because i wanna have friends and create meaningful relationships.
i realize though that ill probably die with this fear and PTSD, but the only thing i need to do is just do whatever the fuck i want like coming up and talking to that girl or talking to whoever the fuck i wanna talk to. but i dont most of the time and i get depressed.
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