I think I have gone back to my old ways...

My new ways was the guy who pushes himself to talk to strangers, talks to women, smiling and thinks positively, but i think i've gone back in time and killed this new potential. Instead i've noticed that i been doing the same dumb ass retarded shit i been doing back in city college, sitting there all quiet, never commenting on things, and you know i'm an introvert if i dont talk at all the less likely i wanna talk, and i just contribute to just this cycle of shithole existence, and the feeling of nothing appears out of thin air. like i am nothing! i have no power, im as good as dead only im alive. I dont know if many men have experienced that life's feeling but that's where i'm at right now.

It made me think about this when earlier today we had group work in my English class. I had to talk to some people in my class and this cute girl was interviewing me and it reminded me of the time after i took my weekend workshop where i had 3 instructors push me to talk to as many women in night clubs. After that workshop i was a new guy going around talking to people, still felt weird but i did it, then i did it less and less, and before i know it i'm the old me again. Damn i don't know what to do, sometimes i wanna die because being an introvert without any role male models in my life feels like i'm destined to be alone all my life. If i could only describe how it feels. Guys who love talking basically get anything they want out of life, guys who don't, like me, are doomed to die out and never be able to procreate. That's the only way to describe it. But i voluntarily wanna die out, i dont want kids, but i think i just want to experience sex once, and that's it. The longer i wait the weirder it feels, i mean damn im 28 how long till im no longer a virgin? Either way i need to finish school so i can get a job and pay some bills so i can take care of my self and live on my own.

Fuck i been putting off my part 2 story till forever, maybe ill finally write it the next time...